Why Squirrels Are Evil
People keep askng me, "What do you have against squirrels? What did they ever do to you?" Well, here's the page I promised so long ago in attempts to explain my reasoning.
Reason #1
Apparently I'm not the only one who hates the vile rodents some people feed in public parks. These people, in fact, dedicated an entire site to my noble cause! CrazedSquirrelLand; it's a very good site, actually, as long as you don't mind people who hate Americans.
Reason #2
Just read this article. It's proof in itself. You know that squirrel you gave a chestnut to last week? That little glint in his eyes wasn't happiness, I tell you. Pure evilness.
Reason #3
A few months ago at our school, the somewhat-peacefulness was shattered by an uproar at the beginning of fourth period. The stragglers burst into the art room screaming incoherently. "Squirrels...." "All these squirrels..." "They're out there!" WHAT?!? It's those squirrels again! Only they would have the nerve to disrupt a 'learning facility'.
Reason #4
For all of you who have seen the movie "Ice Age", I just have to say that the squirrel is STUPID. Well, naturally, but this one is REALLY stupid! He is so obsessed with keeping his acorn away from everything and everyone who doesn't even care about it that he causes several natural disasters in the process. AUGH. STUPIDNESS.
Reason #5
This is predetermined malice if I ever saw it. Besides, what kind of creature with half a brain attacks a fictional character? I mean, it's FICTIONAL. Not real. The answer to the question is that NO creature with half a brain would EVER jump out on a fictional character, which leaves me to conclude that squirrels are not blessed with brains.
Reason #6
In English class a few weeks ago(from now, at least) a boy raised his hand in the middle of a class and shared with us that squirrels had been found rummaging through his neighbors trash. It's only SO obvious that they were looking for weapons to assist their plan to take over the world; I suppose I should have warned him.
Reason #7
"Why does it take so many squirrels to screw in a lightbulb? Because they're soooo stupid!" -Spongebob Squarepants
Reason #8
Geiko Insurance commercial scenario: A car is driving down a peaceful country road. All of a sudden, from out of nowhere, a squirrel appears in the middle of the road and WON'T budge even as the car is zooming straight at it, posing imminent death, thus forcing the car to swerve off to the side of the road into the trees because that's the kind of person the driver is. (Nice, not thick.) The squirrel then prances merrily off the road to his friend who is waiting for him there. Now here's the true evilness: Up until this point, the dyed-in-the-wool squirrel advocator could still reasonably say that the squirrel must have been deaf and things like that happen, but the squirrels now exchange that little handshake that means "All right, man, let's do that AGAIN!" Shameful.
Reason #9
'Nuff said.
Reason #10
They tried to rip Alex's stuffed Eyore to shreds! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reason #11
This doesn't have much to do with squirrels being evil, but it has to do with squirrels and it was funny. And the squirrels were a little evil. "[After stating that everyone claims to be a nature lover and that he would volunteer to be the first nature hater] This isn't mch of a stretch for me. Recently some red squirrels ripped the shingles off a major part of my house. (Apparently they knew a huge nut was inside. Bah-dum-pum!) But seriously, folks, I was under squirrel seige for a month. Red squirrels are a protected species around here, so I had to hire a company to capture them using traps that are humane, meaning a human would be hapy to be inside one. The company promised to take the happy squirrels to a place in the mountains that is widely considered a squirrel paradise. It's in a town that I had never heard of despite having lived in this area all of my adult life, but I believe it exists. Granted, it would be a lot more cost-effective for the company to just whack the squirrels and leave them on the road so it looks like an accident. Or they could release the squirrels a block away and hope they find their way back to my house. (The company gets paid per squirrel.) But I believe their story that they drive each squirrel a hundred miles away and release it. The part I don't believe is that they give each squirrel a shampoo and a paw massage." -Exerpt from Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel
Reason #12
I think this picture basically sums everything up; squirrels are not only evil, they're bums! EVIL bums!
Aha! Aha! Ahahaha! I LOVE that picture! It's just too perfect!
Well, those are my reasons
right now. See? I DO have real reasons! I'm not just an irrationally
biased psycho! Well, not on this, anyhoo...
But I'm sure they're very nice, decent, respectable furball members of society deep down inside. VERY deep down inside. And I'm sure that their telepathic messages concerning their plans to take over the world were all in fun.