��1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
��2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
��3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
��4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
��5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
��6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
��7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
��8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
��9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
��10. He who hesitates is probably right.
��11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
��12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
��13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
��14. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

A man was complaining: Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, meantime my wife stays at home, I would give anything if you would grant me one wish "switch me into my wife" she's got it easy at home I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.

As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish. Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stop at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market. It was 1:00 already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school had an argument with the kids.

As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside. He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep. At 9:00 he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and somehow he managed to get them done and finally fell asleep.

The next morning he prays to God once again: I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh, please.

Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying:
Dear son of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail, you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.

Mid-life is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.

MId-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.