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HILLBILLY DIVORCE
A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of them thar dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 5:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this here dayvorce."
THE STATUE
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered, "just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?", the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue", she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something. I stood at the Smiths like an idiot for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water!"
The Dietitian
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake". |
