the letter

Hi! It�s been so long since we saw each other last. So what have you been up to lately? Me? Nothing much. I�ve been living my boring life as always. I bet you lead a more colourful life than I do. Well that�s just too bad. I�ve been thinking a lot lately. And I do mean a LOT. You see, something happened to me these past few days that led me to thinking about you. You might think that it�s a little bit weird for me to think about you after all these years. It�s been like what? Eight years and counting right? Hehe.

I�ve been cleaning out my usual junk and I stumbled upon an old notebook. Imagine my surprise when I flipped through the pages and saw your name in there. Quite astounded, I found a chair to sit on and read and read and read. It happens to be my old journal, one I kept when I was in 1st year of high school. You know what I wrote in there? Almost all my entries were filled of me wishing for us to be friends again, hoping that some day, we could talk to each other, without feeling aloof, or embarrassed in front of our friends and family. To tell you the truth I can�t really remember when we became friends exactly. All I can remember is that we grew up together, having those puppet shows and bahay-bahayan at that house across my cousin�s place. I knew we had a lot of fun, but as you know, our friendship was quite stained by the constant teasing and the embarrassment. What I liked most was when you�d pick some aratilis fruit for me. It may not seem a lot but one simple gesture is enough for me. I slowly began to like you. Are you surprised of my sudden confession? Yeah, I did like you. I don�t know if it�s love or just a simple crush, but in my own young heart I felt my heart beating faster whenever you were around. I tried hard to stop the feelings I was feeling for you then. And to tell you the truth I was quite relieved when we moved to another place. From then on we lost contact, and from that moment have I wished for things to return to normal, you know, when we�d play anything without giving a damn to what other people would say�

I�d sometimes see you whenever I come by my cousin�s place. Sometimes I think the only reason I go there is to see you, but I thought wrong. I�d see but I wouldn�t say anything, and would often remain behind the gate, keeping to myself. I thought you forgot about me, and our past, as playmates and friends. I knew some things about you. Why? Because my cousins would often talk to me about you. like how you were courting this one girl but you were �basted�, and how good you were in basketball, or playing the guitar. Sometimes I wish that we�ve remained friends after moving to a different place. I even think of ways on how to talk to you just in case we bump into each other. Surprisingly I was quite close to your sister. She�d often come by my cousin�s place whenever I�m there. We�d play, I�d tickle her..Gee I miss those times. I missed that girl so much. Whenever my cousin would have her birthday party at her place, I�d often wish to see you there, coz you know, your family always show up on her birthdays. I didn�t see you, which was okay, I guess.

You know how long I�ve waited? Years. And years. And years. Maybe I just grew tired of waiting for us to be friends again. So I kept the feelings I have felt for you, and buried those deep, deep into my heart. Since that I�ve decided to forget you, but sometimes I see things that remind me of you, and the friendship we once had. Forgetting you was quite hard at first. But soon I recovered. I met new friends, new crushes, I even thought that I fell in love. Yea, I fell in love. But I considered him to be one of my friends so I decided to stop. Why would I often fall in love with someone I�m close with after all those years? I have no idea. It�s just really hard to fall for someone who I know I can never have�

So what now? I�m just sorry coz I didn�t get to see you before we left for Canada. To talk to you for one last time, to tell you that your friendship was important to me and that I was hoping to be friends with you for a long time.

And then you came back. Startled as I was I happily agreed to be friends with you. I know that I�d seldom find friends who are like you. So yea. That happened. But this happened too. You told me how you felt for me. How you felt for me through all those years. Shock is an understatement. You got me all confused all over again. And sometimes I wish you�d stop. I know that we have to start all over, for even the smallest things about you I have no idea of knowing. All I know and remember is that we grew up together, and that�s about it. I don�t even remember the sound of your voice, or how you look like for that matter. I�m so frustrated with what is happening between us. All I know is that we have to know a great deal about each other. We have a lot to catch up on remember?

Maybe I didn�t know this. But through writing our story I�ve realized something. MAYBE I have loved you before. MAYBE you were my first love. And MAYBE you were the first one to break my heart. I can�t deny it. It�s the only way for me to face my fears of getting hurt all over again. All these years I have shielded myself, prevented myself from falling and getting hurt, because I don�t even know if there�s someone to catch me, or if someone will prevent me from falling. Maybe you�d think that I�m a complete idiot for preventing all my feelings, of letting go of myself and being free to love those ones who I�m supposed to fall in love with. But you know what? I know I am. And I don�t know when I�ll be able to be brave enough to feel what I feel and love who I want love. But until that moment, I�ll stay here, waiting for the one who�s right for me, sweep me off my feet, and wait for me till I�m ready. I don�t know who that guy is, but I�m sure he�ll be lucky to have me..hehe..

So what�s the point in this letter? I just wrote this to thank you for a wonderful friendship, for loving me as a friend like you do, and for not forgetting our past. Who knows what the future will lead us. Maybe someday we�ll cross paths.