1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 16. Don't squat with your spurs on. 17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. 19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 24. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. 28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it 29. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse 31. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. 32. Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the longer you live. 33. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 34. I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. 35. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet? 36. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to One Person. 37. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 38. Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened. 39. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all have to learn to live in the same box. 40. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. |