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After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. He replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put aglass of of vodka next to the water glass. If I startr to get nervous I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. Ther are 10 commandments not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shite out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked of his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper he said "Take this and eat it as it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
