Chapter 7
(Present Day Shae) The rain pelted down heavily on my window panes as I gazed out somberly. I felt so numb. My body was a mix of confusion, anger, sadness, plus a couple million other emotions I couldn�t even name. I can still remember the distinct feeling of his fingers grazing my body that night. It was something that I never, ever felt before�.it was just� I shook my head and tried to clear my head of those haunting thoughts. I couldn�t think of him anymore. I couldn�t cry anymore. I had been crying for hours, days�it was too much to deal with anymore. I was just too drained. I walked weakly to my bed and allowed myself to flop down upon it. I stared at the ceiling, just trying to keep my mind off of what been consuming my mind for the past few months�.him I sighed and rolled over. It�s no use, I thought to myself. I couldn�t stop thinking of him�I loved him. It hadn�t been all bad. In fact, the vast majority of our relationship had been what I would consider complete bliss. �If you can even call it a relationship,� a voice in my head retaliated bitterly. One of the hardest things about this entire thing was dealing with the constant self-doubt and confusion that I had lately become accustomed to. I was always doubting it�doubting us. How could I not? I didn�t understand how it all went wrong. I crawled underneath my covers and pulled them tightly up to my chin, trying to find some comfort. I really just wanted to pull the covers over my head and hide from the world. Maybe I would just wake up in his arms and realize it was all a bad dream. But it wasn�t. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to think of the good times�before the storm hit.. ~December, 2002~ �Faster! Shae, those twizzles need to be crisp! I don�t know where your head has been lately but it sure as hell hasn�t been on my ice!� I sighed, feeling extremely frustrated. Once again, Nikolai was laying into us. It was just one of those practices again. I glanced over at Victor who was fuming silently. I smiled weakly and put my arm on his. �Vic, don�t�� I warned gently. �How can you listen to that?� He hissed softly as Nikolai skated over to the music box to take a sip of his coffee. I shrugged. �Vic, I�ve learned to block him out a lot this past year. This is no different,�. He exhaled and he began to calm down. �I guess so,� He began. �I just don�t know what�s up his�� �Kraatz, are you done chit-chatting this morning? No wonder she can�t focus on her work,�. We glanced up quickly to see Nikolai skating slowly over to us. �Fifteen more minutes,� I reminded and skated over to where Nikolai had stopped. I knew he was frustrated. Hell, I was frustrated. What could we do? Worlds was in three months and as much as I hated to admit it, he was the best. All I could focus on was that Worlds was in three months�and that when Worlds was over, Victor and I could finally be together. We would be done with Nikolai, done with all the sneaking, done with the lying. We could finally be like a regular couple. I was counting down the days�the minutes. Fifteen minutes finally passed and the zamboni forced us off the ice, despite Nikolai�s objections. If he had his way, we�d be on the ice day and night. �I�ll see you tomorrow, Victor. Be ready to work,� Nikolai called as Vic walked quickly by him. I put on my skate guards and began to walk past him. �Shae,� I stopped and looked over at him. �What�s up, Nikolai?� I answered as casually as possible. �I�m not going to be home tonight, Darling,� he cooed in that voice that I had heard one too many times. It was that voice he used when he knew he was trying to pull the wool over my eyes, so to speak. �Again?� I whined. As horrible as it was to be proud to admit this, I was actually getting pretty good at lying to him. �What is it now?� His eyes flicked back and forth. If I didn�t know a lie was coming before this, I definitely knew it now. �I�promised some students up in the Massachusetts area that I would help with their programs. It was last minute and it�s going to take me too long to get home tonight. I�ll be staying up there for the night and I�ll be back for tomorrow afternoon�s practice,� I nodded. �That�s so nice of you to do,� I answered back. �You know what? Some of the girls from the rink had been talking to me about doing something. I told them no, thinking you would be home but I might as well take them up on their offer. And I�ll just stay over one of their places tonight,� He exhaled, looking relieved. �That�s a great idea, Darling. I would hate to think of you all alone in that house.� I fought the urge to gag at that comment. This will be good for you,�, He continued as he leaned in to kiss me. I laughed nervously and turned my face so that he would kiss my cheek. �I�ll miss you but I�ll see you tomorrow�uh�Dear�� These pet names were killing me. I turned and walked to the dressing room, passing Victor in the process. �I�ll meet you in ten minutes,� I whispered and I hurried in. He grinned and nodded. I quickly got changed, put on a little bit of makeup and hurried out. I got into my car and drove quickly to the spot we always met. It was just a deserted parking lot on a back road a few minutes from the rink. From there, we could follow each other to wherever we decided to go without people talking about how we were always leaving together. If felt strange to be sneaking around but it was the only way we could easily find ways to be together without starting controversy and hurting people. I pulled up quickly and spotted him leaning against his car. I got out of my car and pranced over to him with a smile on my face. Throwing my arms around him and kissed him hard on the lips. �Hi,� He mumbled underneath the strength of my lips I grinned and pulled away. �Hi,� I answered back happily. �You�re in a good mood,� He commented. I nodded. �Nikolai�s gone again tonight,�. A smile washed over his face. �We�ve been pretty lucky, huh?� He commented, taking my hands in his. �Thank god,� I breathed. �It would be too difficult to try to avoid him in our house every night,�. Victor nodded. �Shae-Lynn, this is so hard. I don�t want to have to worry about you having to avoid Nikolai all the time, I don�t want to sneak around, I don�t�� I leaned in and hugged him tightly. �I know�� I whispered. �I don�t either. I want to tell everyone. It�s just too many people could be hurt from this, we could lose too much if people found out now. I just think that it could be dealt with better in a few months from now,� He began to relax. �You�re right,� He said, kissing my cheek softly. �Sorry�it�s just strange to me not to tell anyone�you know?� I nodded. �I understand. I feel the same way. I could care less about Nikolai. I just don�t want all our hard work to go out the window or risk whatever else he could do. And, I just don�t want to have Maikki find out the wrong way and risk hurting her�.she did nothing to deserve it.� He nodded. �Let�s try to focus on something else. I grinned and focused on his eyes. Just looking into them would make me forget that the rest of the world even existed. �Yeah, where are you taking me?� I joked leaning in close to him. He laughed happily and I saw any anxiety on his face wash away. �Already demanding so much from me now huh?� He responded with a wink. I nodded gleefully, causing another laugh to escape from his lips. �Well, I was thinking we go for a drive. It can just be us. We�ve had to do a lot of publicity and stuff to get ready for our first real competition of the year. I figure it would help us wind down�especially after that practice this morning from that�� I quickly covered his mouth with my hand. �Vic, let�s not even think of him. He�s not worth our time,� He nodded. �You�re right. I�m done.� He took my hand and led me to his car. �We�ll pick up your car later tonight, ok?�. He quickly ran ahead of me and opened the door for me to get in. I could get used to this. Nikolai never did anything like that�even in the early stages of our relationship. But this was Victor. He had done things like this ever since we paired up. It was just purely Victor. This was, after all, the same guy that at twenty years old, felt it was necessary to ask my Mother�s permission to skate with me. For some people, this would be looked upon as a minor nuisance. For Victor, it was just a normal thing that he felt he should do. He was a genuine gentleman, through and through�.even though he denied it whenever I teased him about it. He started the car and began to drive out of the parking lot. �Is it ok if I put something on the radio?� I asked, already reaching for the tuner. He looked over at me and playfully rolled his eyes. �Could I stop you?� I shook my head and proceeded to change the stations. �Nope,�. I stopped at one song� She'll let you in her house If you come knockin' late at night She'll let you in her mouth If the words you say are right If you pay the price She'll let you deep inside But there's a secret garden she hides I glanced over at him and smiled. �Is this ok?� I asked. �Sounds good to me,� He replied, smiling gently at me. My stomach flip flopped once again. I�ve come to the conclusion that I will never ever get used to that feeling I get when he just looks at me that way�.and I was happy about that. No one else had ever made me feel this way. He turned the corner and pulled into an overlook off the side of the highway. It was one of those places meant for tourists driving through the country. It was perfect for a stop during a long car trip. For us, it was just a place where we could escape from the confusion and people hounding our lives and just be. It was nothing special. We hadn�t had a snow, surprisingly, in a few weeks, so all we could see was the bare trees and brown grass. To me though, it was beautiful. I cuddled in closer to him as he instinctively wrapped his arm protectively around my shoulders. She'll let you in her car To go drivin' round She'll let you into the parts of herself That'll bring you down She'll let you in her heart If you got a hammer and a vise But into her secret garden, don't think twice As I looked out the window, I felt a pair of eyes on me. Turning around slowly, I saw his blue eyes gazing softly at me. �What?� I whispered softly. He smiled gently and shook his head. �Nothing,� He whispered back, leaning in to nuzzle my cheek. I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder, forgetting everything. Forgetting the horrible practices with Nikolai, forgetting the problems, forgetting Maikki�.forgetting everything but here and now. You've gone a million miles How far'd you get To that place where you can't remember And you can't forget He laughed softly. I looked up. �What?� I demanded. He rolled his eyes. �Shae-Lynn, it�s disgusting how mushy we get around each other,�. I joined him in laughing. �I know,� I admitted. �Believe me, if it was me watching two other people, I�d be about ready to throw up by now,�. He shrugged. �I like being mushy with you,�. I smiled and kissed his lips quickly. �Just don�t tell people I admitted that, ok?� he added. I stifled another laugh. �I�ll try my best, tough guy,�. She'll lead you down a path There'll be tenderness in the air She'll let you come just far enough So you know she's really there She'll look at you and smile And her eyes will say She's got a secret garden Where everything you want Where everything you need Will always stay A million miles away That night we talked about everything�some of the things, I had never talked to anyone about. Things like how many children we wanted, if we ever wanted to be married, what we wanted for our lives besides skating, what touring would be like�you name it we discussed it. We stayed there talking for hours until I fell asleep in his arms. It was perfect�and I thought it was just beginning. --Song Credit: Bruce Springsteen, �Secret Garden�.
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