Chapter 4
I turned my gaze heavenward and thanked my lucky stars that I had borrowed one of my sister Ana�s sweaters that morning. Due to the fact that it belonged to my older sibling it was rather bulky. Due to the fact that it was rather bulky, I was able to smuggle Victor Kraatz� diary out of his house and into my bedroom. Once there, I began to flip hastily through pages covered in Victor�s spiky handwriting, looking for anything of interest. It didn�t take me long to find what I was searching for. June 10th *diary* I kissed Shae-Lynn again today. We were up at her parents� lake cabin for the weekend. Maikki, Nikolai, Shae and myself were all in the water swimming when it started to rain. Maikki shrieked and ran for the cabin followed closely by Nik. Shae and I were all alone. I asked Shae if she wanted to get out of the rain. Her reply was something to the effect of, �We�re in a lake; it isn�t as if we�re going to get any wetter. . . Although. . .� With that, she splashed me. I stood in the shallow water, shocked and spluttering before tearing after her. After several frantic minutes I spotted her ducking behind some rocks. Sliding my body underwater, I managed to swim around behind her. Surfacing instantly, I grabbed her by the waist, pulling her close. Not the smartest move I�ll grant you. Sheltered by the overhang we were face to. . . forehead. She tilted her head up at me, her tawny golden eyes sparkling in her freckled face. Our lips met only second after our eyes locked. Unlike the first time, this was no hasty unplanned kiss. We both knew exactly what we were doing and I wanted to continue with every ounce of my being. Naturally, that made me feel even guiltier. I wasn�t just cheating on my fianc�, I was doing it knowingly, willingly, and enjoying every moment. Our lips eventually parted and we swam in silence back to the dock. I wanted to say something, anything, but the words refused to form in my mouth. Like in March, I left even more unsure of my feelings and what I was going to do.*enddiary* �Katia! Supper�s ready!� I reluctantly closed the diary. Like Victor, I was even more confused after reading this latest entry. I locked the thoughts in the back of my mind and stashed the little book inside my pillowcase before bounding down the stairs. Dinner was the only meal that the entire family shared and I dreaded it. My father was already at the table engrossed in a discussion with Ana about which figure skaters would medal at the upcoming world championships. �Daria will do well again this year.� Dad asserted. �Of course she will,� My sister agreed, �She always does. Who do think will get the gold in the men�s?� �Leninov. I�ve been working with him almost exclusively.� �Alec will beat him.� �Are you saying that the Canadian boy with his inexperienced coaches has a chance of beating the skater I have been molding for years?� Dad asked haughtily. �Yes. He�s really hot!� Trying not to scream, I escaped around the partition to where mom was putting dinner out onto plates. It wouldn�t have hurt Dad to help a little for once I thought moodily as I moved glasses to the table. I then slipped my arms around my mom to receive my customary evening hug. A sharp exclamation of pain involuntarily crossed mom�s lips and I backed away surprised. �It�s just a bruise. I walked into a door.� Mom told me, laughing forcedly. I fell to wondering how hard Dad had pushed her this time. We were all sitting around the table eating ten minutes later. I decided that now was the perfect time to ask something I�d been wondering about ever since I had found Victor�s diary. �Mom, have you ever kept a diary?� I inquired as innocently as possible. �Yes. I only stopped after you were born. Why do you ask?� �I was thinking about starting one and wanted some advice.� I kicked myself in the shin as punishment for the lie. I listened intently as she rattled off some instructions and ideas, hoping for a little hint as to were to look. Eventually she would down. �What do you do with a diary when you�ve written in all the pages?� �You store it away somewhere and read it every so often so that you can remember how certain events played out and how they changed your life.� Wishing, that mom could have been just a little more specific than �somewhere� I vowed to take the first opportunity to search the house until I found her stash. Several hours later, I crept out of my bedroom in search of a glass of water. I was on the landing, about to go into the bathroom when I heard muffled voices downstairs. Deciding that my parched throat could wait, I snuck down the stairs and ducked into my favourite niche for �surreptitiously overhearing� and strained to make out what mom was saying. �We�ve discussed this before! You can�t just show up here after ten years and expect me to fall right back into your arms! It doesn�t work that way!� A few moments of silence followed. �How I feel doesn�t matter! I have to think about what is best for my daughter and for Ana.� �You didn�t have to! You could have stayed and married me instead of her. There were just as many if not more reasons for you to choose me!� �Oh, just forget I said that.� �Why can�t we just stay as we are? Why do you need so much more?� The minutes ticked by as I sat waiting for my mother�s next words. I was finding it extremely difficult to follow the one sided conversation. �It�s too late for us to become that perfect little family.� A click followed the last comment and I dashed back to bed to avoid getting caught. Lying in the darkness, I listened carefully and was finally rewarded for my patience by the light creaking of the stairs. My bedroom door swung open and I saw my mother�s slender figure framed by the backlight. She crossed my floor in two strides and knelt by my bed. Mom�s lips brushed my cheek in a soft caress and she leant in, resting her cheek against my forehead. It was damp and sticky, a testament to the fact that she�d been crying again. �I hope I�m doing the right thing for us,� she murmured into my hair, �I hope you�ll forgive me someday.� And then, like a shadow, she was gone, and I was left alone to puzzle out the meaning of her cryptic comments.
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