ROAR
Date: October 24, 2002
Written By: Molotov
Hello, and here with today's story is a bulliten from Japan I've recieved from our offices in Japan:
At approximately 3:27 a.m. last night, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was sighted
in the countryside near the city of Hadokun. The JDF was quickly dispatched to deal
with this threat but was met with defeat when the mighty beast proceeded to spray
a sticky substance over their combat vehicles, rendering them useless. The creature
then headed unimpeded into the heart of the city, but fortunately it had been evacuated
before it had arrived. The creature raided the nearby Nakajikayama Cookie Co. Factory
and, sources report, consumed the entire supply of sugar at the plant. Very little damage
was caused to the city, as later examination of the substance sprayed on the army vehicles
and trace elements left in footprints revealed the creature to be made of marshmallows.
Japanese and American aircraft have been combing the surrounding area searching for
the Marshmallow Man, but all have come empty. How such a large creature could have
vanished is beyond anyone, but by all accounts the creature will be discovered in time,
hopefully before it can proceed to lay waste to the nearby Old Pappa-San's Bakery, which
has yummy graham crackers I am told and Hershey's Chocolate Factory in the city of
Yagachani. JDF Spokesman Harou Nakajima was quoted as saying "Damn that wussy
marshmallow and we'll catch him before he takes any more of our precious candy." We'll
continue to bring you more news as this crisis develops. Reporting from the scene of the
attack, Hadokun, Japan, this is Westchesterbury Times news correspondent Khandar
"El Triple Nipple" McClellan signing off.
Thanks for that exclusive coverage, Khandar and be sure to keep us up to date about this ghastly phenomenom as it unravels before our eyes.
Until next time, not-so-loyal readers, keep an eye out on the Westchesterbury Times for all your wierd news information.
This Week's Review: The Snow Creature
The Snow Creature - 1954
Running Time: 1 Hour, 12 Minutes
Produced and Directed by W. Lee Wilder
Starring:
Paul Langton, Leslie Denison, and a bunch of other random people
Introduction:
In keeping with large white monsters, I chose to review The Snow Creature, a random horror film that came double-featured on one of my seven copies of Godzilla vs. Megalon. It felt like one of those obscure sort of films, perfect for reviewing. Besides, I get to experience the pain of it, while you just read about my pain. Oh, and this movie is awful.
The Plot:
This movie is awful. Some researchers in the Himalayas discover what is essentially a Yeti, a big snow gorilla thingy. After being captured, the researchers and their guides decide to sleep in the same room with it, and in the middle of the night an arm comes out and caresses the cheek of one of the sleeping sherpas, but it is soon beaten into unconsiousness (I think.) They trap it in a big refrigerator, and take it back to Los Angeles. There, it claims it's first victim - a poor pathetic customs agent. After being captured, the researchers fly it back to Los Angeles with them. When the snow creature breaks out (and it looks like a man in a full angora body suit wearing furry oven mits), it attacks the customs fellow in a scene that looks fake and comical, probably the film has been sped up. It raises it's fist high into the air and swings down, smacking the man on the top of the skull and knocking him out. It takes off into the city and attacks people. The police and the researchers who capture it go looking for it. It's goofy, the snow creature mostly walks down the middle of the street, looking goofy in the oven mits. It steps into a parking garage and two indept cops walk by, stop, and talk, right in front of it, but just leave. Oh, wait. This is a 50's "horror" movie, so everyone's an idiot. Eventually the authorities send out a message on the TV and radio telling everyone to stay off the streets, and we get treated to a montage of police cars driving and the snow creature walking back and forth into the camera. We get this same shot over and over and over and over. The snow creature attacks a woman who runs off into a drugstore and tells the clerk. The police are notified and we get the same repeated shots of police vehicles driving by. No joke. The snow creature goes into a slaughterhouse meat locker and stalks some of the employees through there. I guess this scene was supposed to be suspensful, but it isn't. Anyhoo, they see the snow creature hug a big hunk of beef and run off to find the police. The police notice that the snow creature, who was supposed to be in an area blocked off by the police, attacks someone seven miles away, and they decide it's travelling through the sewers. Our two hero researchers go down into the sewers to search for the snow creature, really just wandering aimlessly, as are a fre groups of policemen. I'm guessing by this repeated footage of the snow creature walking into the camera, it's following someone. I'm not quite sure. Oh ho! There's a shot of the snow creature walking BACKWARDS from the camera. How clever. But he's finally spotted by the two researchers, but it ambushes two police officers and beats up one of them. Some police officers set up a net over one of the entrances and the retarded snow creature walks right into it. It fights to break free, but finally one of the researchers shoots it with a pistol a few times. I guess as a heartwarming moment, we're informed one of the men just had a baby boy. Like I could really care after all the repeated footage of the snow creature walking back and forth. Anyway, the end.
Things to Know:
-The snow creature's costume looks really hot. I guess that explains why there's only about 5 minutes of footage of it in the whole movie (and they recycled that five minutes over and over and over and over...)
-The snow creature is really tall. Or everyone else is really short. I'm not sure.
-What exactly were the film makers thinking when they made this movie? Were they delusional? Or just trying to cash in on the horror movie boom of the time? Probably both.
-Greatest quote of the movie: "Send out this bulletin to all radio stations and newspapers and tell everyone to stay calm. That goes for everybody." I'm sorry, but that just cracks me up when I hear it.
-Recycled footage - this movie seems to thrive on it. Seriously, 75% of the snow creature footage is the same shot; a black background with the guy walking into the camera. Sometimes it was shown in reverse! Wow, look at that amazing camera work. The recycle lots of footage of the same police cars and motorcycles driving, and a plain flying.
-In Los Angeles in the 50's, sanitation workers cleaned garbage off the streets by pushing it down the sewer drains.
-This movie was awful.
Final Thought:
This was an awful movie. Very awful. Thankfully it wasn't a very long movie. I wouldn't recommend you view it unless you are a masochist or sadist.
