| Click below to go to KPUT Komedy Korner (Main Page) |
| Chapter 6 |
| The Book of Je |
 |
| Copyright 2003 KPUT Komedy Ink. All rights reserved |
| At 12:10 p.m., Enid and Joe marched into the Encino branch of the L.A. Schools Federal Credit Union. Joe flinched at a sight never beheld before: Every teller station radiated with bright workers, and the floor of the collective institution was completely devoid of other members. "Cool!" Enid exclaimed. Joe flinched further back. Did his wife just emit a new vocabulary word? Joe jogged to catch up with Enid as she rapidly approached the nearest teller. A handsome, blonde, mid-twenties person standing behind a plaque reading "Hans" maintained a welcoming smile. "Hello, Hans," Enid said with surprising calm. "I'd like to deposit this check." Hans received the slip of paper and gazed down upon it. Oddly, only his eyes brows reacted to the number of zeros presented. "Ah! Congratulations." "Thank you!" Enid joyfully blurted. "I won the lottery!" "What 'I'?" Joe demanded. "We won the lottery!" To Hans, he asked, "How did you know?" Hans tapped his index finger at the logo in the upper left corner. "The check was issued by the California State Lottery. Just one moment. I'll be right back." "Oh no," Joe groaned. "What?" wondered Enid. "Hans is going to go to his boss, and she'll come out and invite us into her office so we can talk about all sorts of investment opportunities. You know, money market accounts, certificates of deposit, that crap. We could be here for hours." "No way. I've got some very important shopping to accomplish." Hans returned alone. "Sorry about that," he said while typing on his keyboard and staring at his monitor. "I just needed to review our new policy regarding lottery checks." "What policy?" asked Joe. "Normally, if a check is over 200 dollars, we'll only deposit 200 into your account and add the rest after 5 working days," Hans replied while turning back to his customers. "But a new policy just started that allows us to make a full deposit of checks from lottery winners. After all, the lottery guarantees the money, so why shouldn't you get it all at once?" "Talk about great timing," Enid marveled loudly. "Let's one million in our checking account, and the rest in our savings account." "Okay." responded Hans. Joe seemed baffled. "You aren't you going to try and sell us on another account?" Hans appeared equally baffled. "You already have a checking account and a savings account." "What about a money market account? Or a certificate of deposit?" "If you want those, you'll have to go see Sheila over at that desk." "Oh." Joe remained perfectly still while Hans typed in the transaction. "How long have you worked here, Hans?" "Four months. So that's one hundred and ninety-five million dollars in your savings account, and a million in your checking account. Is there anything else I can do for you?" The teller handed Enid a transaction slip. "Thanks, Hans," she answered, "you've done more than enough." She took Joe's hand and led her bewildered husband out of the branch. Once outside the building, Enid released Joe's hand and practically galloped to their car. The engine roared impatiently as Joe returned to his seat. His head snapped back as Enid hit the gas. "Slow down, Shirley Muldowney. I'm hungry, too, but I haven't fastened my seatbelt just yet." "We don't have time to slow down. We've got to get you home," Enid said. "Home? What about lunch? Weren't we going out for lunch to celebrate?" "We were," Enid agreed as the car raced up the onramp to the North 405, "but that was before I found out that the entire check cleared. Now you can make your donation and get the schools open that much sooner." "Yeah," Joe said quietly. "Yeah, I guess I could. Funny about the credit union." "What's funny?" "I would have thought, with the amount that we won, that they would have put the pressure on us to open some other kind of account. Think about the promotion Hans would have earned for talking us into sinking a hundred million into a twelve month CD. I mean, can you think of a reason for Sylvia not to come over and at least introduce herself and talk about what she does?" Enid was silent, her grip on the steering wheel almost murderous. "Can you?" Joe repeated. "Can I what?" Enid asked. "Can you think of a reason that Sylvia didn't come and talk to us about other accounts? I mean, do they get so many lottery winners in there every week that the rest of us just don't matter?" Enid gave no reply. She maintained a slight squint toward the road. "What's on your mind, sweetheart?" Joe asked thoughtfully. "I'm sorry. I'm lining up stores in my mind after I drop you off." "Drop me off? You're not going to come inside and have lunch with me? I'll even make tuna melts with Jack cheese." "Sorry," Enid shrugged. "So much money, so little time." "Huh," marveled Joe. "So when you pointed at your noggin' and said that everything changes, you were talking about an instantaneous change, no transition time necessary." Her squint never left the windshield. "I guess so." "Well, will you at least slow down the car when you get to our street so I can jump out with a minimum of injuries?" "Maybe." 'Dear God,' Joe thought, 'Please help me to be patient with my wife. I can't even begin to understand what's going on in that complex noodle of her's, but so far, I'm not digging it. Maybe once she's acquired everything she ranted about back at the house, she'll calm down and return to being the wonderful woman I remember from this morning. As it is, I'm actually somewhat afraid that she'll only slow down to 30 or so before kicking me out of the car. On a different matter, thank you for helping us to get in and out of the lottery office and the credit union so quickly. Although I was surprised, I was also grateful not to have to deal with Han's boss or Sylvia. Enid's right that the sooner I get home and start making phone calls, the sooner the kids of California can get back into school.' "�and then, to finish up, Rodeo Drive!" Enid stated excitedly. For the last fifteen minutes, Joe had listened to his wife's prospective shopping strategy. He wondered how she could talk at such length without her throat going dry. "Oh," he responded. "And this all happens today?" "Heck, no! The Galleria will be a day in itself. So will The Grove. The Beverly Connection will probably only be a few hours but the Beverly Center might require two or three days. Melrose could stretch out to a week. And I could disappear into Rodeo Drive for a month." Enid made a quick left onto Hesperia and charged ahead at 40 m.p.h. "Sweetheart, this is a residential neighborhood!" "It's not like there are any neighbors to hit," Enid responded. She pounded on the breaks, stopping directly in front of their house. "Now get going so we can both do some good." Again, Joe flinched at his wife. "Explain to me the kind of good you'll be doing." "While you're helping the schools, I'll be out helping the economy." Joe hesitantly removed himself from the vehicle. He realized that he taking an extreme risk by crossing in front of Enid's car, but she seemed to experience a momentary lapse into sensibility and kept the vehicle still. "Can we have dinner tonight?" he asked as he leaned over through the driver's side window. "Absolutely," Enid answered before she craned her neck for a kiss. Joe expected a mere peck, but Enid's lips lingered on his� then they were pulling to the left. Joe took a step to keep up, but her forward motion caused the seemingly romantic connection to be separated. As he inhaled to call out to her, his wife flattened the gas pedal and zoomed down the street. "This is a residential neighborhood!" When the subcompact squealed around the corner in the middle of his cry, Joe briefly wondered if the neighborhood had lost yet another resident. "Carl Kozel's office," the perky secretary answered. "Hi. My name is Joe Fillner, I'm Carl's cousin, and I'd like to speak to him, if that's possible." "Certainly, Mr. Fillner, let me see if he's available." The hold music was clearly heavy metal. Loud guitars and drums worked to drown out loud vocals of a screamer attempting to convey a simple four-note tune. "Cor-por-ate swine! Cor-por-ate swine!" the singer belted to the point Joe worried about possible injury. "Mak-ing two lines! Mak-ing two lines! One cannot think! It does as it's told! One cannot drink! It starves in the cold! Employed-unemployed! Two sides of the coin! One is kicked in the head! One is kicked in the groin! Cor-por-ate swi-" "Joe?" The deep voice of Joe's cousin against silence brought instant relief. "Carl. Wow, that's some crazy hold music you've got there. Are your clients the kind who appreciate that sort of thing?" "Who doesn't like the Carpenters?" "I'm sorry to say I didn't hear the Carpenters. I heard head-banging to the nth degree." Carl was heard moving the phone away from his face. "Keith!" With a soft thump Carl was back on the phone. "Excuse me. My fourteen-year-old son Keith is staying with me today since his school is closed. Keith seems to be getting his fingers into everything." A door could be heard opening. Once again, Carl held the phone away as he calmly said, "Put the Carpenters CD back into the CD player." After a short pause, Carl said, "No, that's not acceptable." After another short pause, Carl said, "All right. Put them in. However, you will put the Carpenters back when we leave this evening." Another gentle thump signaled Carl's return to the phone. "I'm terribly sorry about that, Joe. I just concluded negotiations on the hold music for my office." "So Keith is another lawyer in the making?" "Keith will either be a labor lawyer or a union business manager." "So what did you compromise on? For the music?" "Well, the next time a person is placed on hold, they will be listening to the tolerable sounds of R.E.M." "Yeah, they're good, but they're no Carpenters. Nobody ever sounded like Karen." "She was one of a kind. I take it that you are being kept out of school as well?" "That's right, and that's why I called," Joe began. "The short version of the story is that I just won the lottery this morning-" "Congratulations!" Carl interrupted. "Thanks. So, Enid and I deposited the lottery check earlier and it instantly cleared, and I want to donate some money to all of the California school districts so that the schools can reopen, the teachers can get back to work, and Keith can be back in school." There was a short pause from the other end before Carl replied, "I love that idea. You are truly a wonderful man." "Oh please," Joe shrugged. "This is in my self-interest as well. I'll be able to get back to my classroom." "My only concern is the amount of money in regards to the number of school districts. I don't know how many school districts California has, I suppose I could search the number on Google-" "I think it's around 988." "988. Wow. It's going to require a massive amount of money to reopen all of the schools in those districts-" "I have one hundred and seventy-seven million dollars. And I did a little math and that breaks down to $179,149 per district. But some are so small that they won't need that much and others, like LAUSD, are so big that they'll need a lot more." "You're forgetting my fee," Carl said dryly. "In a case such as this, I usually get 30%, which is around fifty million." Now it was Joe's turn to pause. "I hope you're kidding, Carl, because I-" "Yes, I'm kidding. You'll save me fifty million simply by keeping Keith out of my office." "So how much are you really going to charge?" Joe asked nervously. "This will be pro bono. In fact, if Keith is back in school on Monday, I will personally contribute $10,000 to this fund." "That- that's great!" Joe enthused. "But that reminds me of something. I set aside another $10 million for a legal defense fund for my neighbors. They were all rounded up this morning and taken away as suspected terrorists. Could you recommend a lawyer for that?" Once again, Carl was rendered silent. "So, on the same day, you won the lottery and your neighbors were arrested as alleged terrorists?" "Yeah. Kind of an unusual day." "Is it your turn to kid me, Joe?" "No!" Joe admonished. "I'm completely serious! My neighbors were arrested and I am absolutely sure that they aren't terrorists." "A federal matter." Carl exhaled. "How many neighbors are you talking about?" "Richard, Conner, Gladys, Ron, Denise, Hope, Brenda� uh, about a hundred and twenty, maybe. A hundred and fifty, possibly." "A hundred and fifty suspected terrorists? How many neighbors do you have left?" Joe shrugged. "None. They were all taken. Enid and I are alone on the block." "I think you've characterized your day incorrectly. This isn't 'kind of an unusual day.' This is an extremely unusual day. All right. I know a lawyer with contacts in the Justice Department. Her name is Shannon Biasiolli. She can definitely help. Offer her twenty-five thousand as a retainer and she'll put her other cases aside." Joe quickly scribbled Shannon's phone number. "Great. I'll call her as soon as we hang up. But about the schools, where do we start?" "I'll draft a boilerplate contract stating that in exchange for the money, the district agrees to use the funds exclusively for the tasks of keeping the schools open and paying the teachers and staff until the state budget crisis is resolved. Joe, you'll have to do research into exactly how many districts there are, how many students each district has, and once you have those figures, it will be up to you to determine how much money each district will receive." "Can't we talk about that first?" "Certainly," Carl answered. "I'll be more than happy to listen to your concerns and give you any advice when asked. Now, I'll get to work on the contract, you get to work on the numbers. It's just after one o'clock now. Why don't I call you back at five for a progress report?" "Sure. Do you have my number?" Carl took it down, gave a prompt farewell and hung up. Immediately, Joe dialed the number for Ms. Biasiolli. An odd hybrid of human and robotic voice answered. "Hello. You have reached the office of-" a completely human female voice interjected, "Shannon Biasiolli." "Please say your full name," the hybrid voice commanded. "Joe Fillner. Carl Kozel told me to call you," Joe uttered rapidly. "Please say, 'Put my call through' or 'Take a message'." "Put my call through. Please." "Just one moment. I'll attempt to connect you." A few seconds of silence passed. "Hello, Mr. Fillner?" the female human voice asked. Her voice held the weighty tone of a smoker. "Ms. Biasiolli?" "Yes. Carl Kozel gave you my number?" "Yeah. Basically, the short version is that all of my neighbors were rounded up and taken this morning as suspected terrorists." Joe continued to declare their innocence, and sought Ms. Biasiolli's help in freeing them. He also offered her a twenty-five thousand dollar retainer before giving her the opportunity to speak. "I'm in," she responded. "I'll need payment of my retainer by tomorrow, and it must be in the form of a cashier's check." "Sure. Where do I drop it off?" "I'm in downtown Los Angeles at the Oliver building by the main library. I can send a messenger to pick up the check when it's ready." "That'll work." "What I need from you is a list of every person that was detained and their addresses. Type that up, fax it to me, and I'll get started." "Absolutely." Joe wrote down the fax number. "And thank you, Ms. Biasiolli." "Thank you, Mr. Fillner." "Call me Joe." "Okay, Joe. Call me Nonnie." "Okay, Nonnie?" Joe required a moment to realize that Nonnie was not an entirely absurd nickname for Shannon. "I'll talk to you tomorrow." 'Dear God,' Joe prayed as he stepped over to his computer and switched it on. 'Thank you for helping me get in contact with Carl and for his help in my efforts. Thank you for helping me to find Nonnie, too. Please help them to do their best as we work to save the schools and save my neighbors. Please help me as well. I don't like sitting in front of a computer for hours, but I will if it gets results. Although, I am rich enough now that I could hire someone and dictate my neighbor list to them and then have them do the research on the school systems. But I don't have the time to do the looking for such a person. I wish Gladys was here. She used to be a court reporter and could handle dictation as well. Please bring her back to her home safely, God. Please bring all my neighbors back home safely. And bring Enid back home safely as well, and keep her protected from shopper insanity. Amen.' |
| Click below to go to the KPUT Archives |