Green Beer Drinkers' Letters to Satan

Dear Satan,

Did you invent green beer? I don't think so because I think green beer actually tastes better than regular beer but my friends and I are divided, with half really liking it and praising it as a gift from God and half saying that it tastes sooooooo foul and that only you could have come up with something so "disgusting". So what's the real story?

Signed,

Green Beer Drinker/Green Beer Lover

Dear GBD/GBL,

Blimey, yes indeed I created green ale. It was actually the final ingredient in my wicked plan to rob the holiday of all things Christian. In its early stages, the day honoring St. Patrick highlighted his efforts to promote Christianity and acted as a recruiting mechanism for that most bothersome of religions. With the aid of my various agents, I successfully steered the event away from Christian rubbish with the introduction of shamrocks and leprechauns. I appealed to human greed by publicizing that ridiculous legend of a pot of gold to be found in the bum of a rainbow. And then came green beer, chemically formulated to render the celebrants drunk and thus unable to participate in drives to collect and baptize potential Christians. So St. Patrick's Day is now completely lacking in religion, and the same will soon be true for Christmas for I am in the process of developing a red and green ale with a wee hint of candy cane to enhance the brew.

Delighted with my deception,

Satan

Dear Robert,

I am keenly aware that you were far too inebriated by green beer to compose your own missive, but your two-year-old son is not yet able to perform the feat of taking dictation. Still, I shall answer your questions in the order asked.

1) I did develop green whiskey, green vodka, green bourbon, green schnapps, green brandy, and green wine, but they have proven to be cost prohibitive. Green beer is less expensive and thus more popular with those struggling financially, as you can attest to.

2) Test marketing concluded that green pretzels and green peanuts were branded undesirable, even among those pub patrons too drunk to remember their agonies.

3) Yes, there is a way to make green beer continue to remain green when released in the loo, but if that were to happen I fear some drinkers might become confused and consume the wrong liquid. Such action would send them to hospital, and if they were to experience great pain, they might turn to the Christian god for comfort and restored health, hence undermining all my efforts.

4) No. Do not allow your son to drink green beer until he is at least 8 years of age. Continue to smoke your fags around him, however.

I realize, Robert, that it will be several weeks before your head is clear enough to comprehend my responses. Still, I want to commend you for the important service you are performing.

Saluting an inferior,

Satan