To God
Do all animals go to Heaven when they die? Or do some of them go to the other place? (I'm not supposed to say the name of the other place.)
Love, Hannah
Dear Hannah,
Yes, all animals go to Heaven when they die. In fact, your dog Jeremy just peed on My carpet again. Your mother might've tried a little harder to house-break him instead of simply putting him to sleep. That's right, Hannah--Jeremy was not hit by a car. Sorry to be the One to break it to you.
The Light and the Truth,
God
Why was your son, Jesus, born on Christmas? Did you do that so you wouldn't forget his birthday?
Signed, Travis
Dear Travis,
No, Jesus was not born on Christmas so that I wouldn't forget His birthday. He was born on Christmas so that I wouldn't have to buy Him as many presents! (Ha-ha) Just a little joke to show that even the Almighty has a sense of humor.
The All-knowing, All-powerful, All-whimsical,
God
My dad said we could go to Chuck E. Cheese. He promised. He said, "If I'm lying, may God strike me down." But we went home and had hotdogs. How come you didn't strike him down?
Stu
Dear Stu,
I did that a lot in the Bible. Striking people down was a great party trick--but I got tired of it. So now I get even in other ways. Maybe the morning of a big fishing trip when your dad's car won't start. Maybe the night of a football playoff when his cable goes out. Or maybe the day when your mom walks out on him and takes you along. I can't really say when your dad will get it, but vengeance will be Mine.
Yours with love and sympathy,
God
My mommy and daddy say that babies come from you. So where do you get babies from?
Your friend, Robin
Dear Robin,
Your parents' ignorance appalls me. At first, I thought they told you that babies come from Me because it's easier than telling you about the facts of reproduction, but then I looked into their souls and found that they truly believe this schmaltz. The truth is: Babies don't come from Me--but I won't get into the "nuts and bolts" of it all at this time. When you're a little older, ask your best friend Kaylene where babies come from. Her parents are a little more enlightended than your addled mother and father.
Your God, God
Our Sunday school teacher says you're everywhere,
but other people say you're in Heaven. Is Heaven everywhere?
Leo
Dear Leo,
I am everywhere, but Heaven is my official residence for state tax purposes. (Ha-ha, just another joke.) Actually, just as you live in Dyersville AND in Iowa, I am in Heaven AND everywhere--because Heaven is part of everywhere. And, just as Dyersville is not the entire state of Iowa, Heaven is not everywhere--it's especially not Dyersville, Iowa (regardless of what any damned, blasphemous "Field Of Dreams" fan thinks).
Signed,
Your Father who art in Heaven, but who arnt in Dyersville (Ha-ha)
please e-mail them to Me at [email protected], and--Me willing--they
will be answered in a future installment of "Children's Letters To God".
And remember, in My eyes, all people are children. Especially some of you brats.
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