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| Copyright 2005 KPUT Komedy Ink. All rights reserved. |
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| "The French Philospher Maurice Soulier once wrote, 'Marriage corrodes the soul until both husband and wife merely exist.' Humorist Abner Humes wrote, 'If I had to choose between syphillis, gonnerhea, herpes, small pox, or marriage, I would choose small pox. If I am lucky enough to survive, the small pox will more than likely scar my body hideously, but it will run its course and vanish, unlike the other four, for which there is no known cure.' Judge Fivish Reubenheim noted, 'Marriage is not only a life sentence but a death sentence, for those guilty of matrimony suffer horribly, sometimes for decades, before the self-inflicted union squeezes the life out of them.' Screenwriter Paul Cannon had a character say in the film Morning Commute, 'I think anyone toying with the insane notion of spending the rest of their life with one person is crying out for a straight jacket and a padded room. After all, we don't drive the same car for the rest of our lives, or work at the same job for the rest of our lives, or watch the same TV show for the rest of our lives.' Finally, songwriter Samantha Greer once sang, 'There's a cancer that starts on your wedding day. It quickly alters what you do and what you say. You're no longer you, he's no longer him. Happiness flees and you're both left grim.' Heather, Ryan, I know you'll prove them all wrong." |
| -Toastmaker's identity kept anonymous due to a generous bribe to KPUT. |
| To the bride and groom, I will never forget our delicious threesome. Cheers. |
| -Uncle Ted |
| Hey! Johnny and Janie! Wow! It's great, just great. And this wedding, it's just great. The decorations, the flowers, just great. The food, just great. The music, the dance floor, just great. And I hope your marriage is just great, too. Not just great, but REALLY great, SUPER great, even. So here's to the great couple. May their lives together be gre- uh, may their lives together be... awesome. |
| -Professor Emmet Swaine III, chair of the English department at Bricking University, toasting B.U. Professor of Linguistics Jonathan Delarue and B.U. President Jane Fischley. |
| In September of 2002, the Vixia Corporation was approached by Miss Jessica Lehockey and accused of illegal dumping of chemicals in Texicoma county. She claimed to represent over 1000 residents who were allegedly affected by chemicals that may or may not have existed. She demanded payment for restitution of these residents or would file charges with the courts. Vixia conveyed to Ms. Lehockey that it does not respond to extortion attempts and invited such a legal action. When a class action lawsuit was filed by Ms. Lehockey seven months later, Vixia put it's finest legal minds on the case, headed by Harvey Edwards. Mr. Edwards would eventually discover that all of the residents listed in the class action lawsuit did not live in Texicoma county, but were, in fact, residents of Quebec, Canada. He would also discover that so-called residents possessed no health ailments other than being saddled with French as their primary language. Further, Mr. Edwards shrewdly uncovered documents proving that Vixia never had an office or did business in Texicoma county. And finally, Mr. Edwards is to be congratulated for determining that Vixia could never have dumped any chemicals of any kind as the corporation deals exclusively in supplying temporary employees to other companies and corporations, an endeavor completely free of toxins. Yet while Ms. Lehockey may not have stolen any of Vixia's money, she did steal Mr. Edwards's heart. And so we are hear to celebrate their union. I raise my glass to the happy couple but remind Mrs. Edwards that Vixia has placed a restraining order on her and she is not to come within 500 feet of Vixia property, regardless of whether or not her new husband is on the premises. |
| -Vixia President Gunther Llowel. |
| To my brother Shane, I know you were desperate, but didja have to pick a Bertha? Jeez, man. Rotsa ruck. |
| -Best Man Mikey |
| To My Younger Sister, The Beautiful Bride: Cindy, I am sooo happy for you today. Really. I'm not jealous you got there first. Even though you did have a boyfriend before me. And you had your first kiss in 8th grade while I went to senior prom alone. And you had a dozen different sexual partners by the time I finished grad school and gained a hundred pounds. I couldn't get boys to look at me until that cooler of beer ice got dumped over me at the Michigan Homecoming last year. But I'm sure your future children will love visiting their old maid Aunt Judy. "What's that plastic thing on the night stand?" they'll ask. "That's Aunt Judy's boyfriend," I'll say, holding back my tears. That's right, Mom. I use a Buzzing Buddy because I have to! Maybe if you hadn't told me, "You're not as pretty as your sister," I'd be the one walking down the aisle! And for God's sake, everybody, stop treating me like I'm some giant lesbian who's deaf! If I hear anyone else say "Well, maybe she likes chicks," I'm gonna sit on you!!! [LONG PAUSE] I love you, Cindy. |
| -Bridesmaid Judy (possible lesbian) |
| To my big brother Jess and his new bride, Maureen, I gotta hand it to you. I mean, look at this place! Only the best for you two. $10,000 for the flowers, $500 for each centerpiece, $250 for each meal, and there are over 400 people here! And it cost over 25 grand to rent this... this... aircraft hanger! Well, I guess when you're in love, money's no object. But when you are married and stuck with all the bills, money's gonna be a big deal. I know you asked for $500 per guest as the wedding gift, and I was happy to pony up, but I still don't see how you are gonna break even and have anything left for the condo downpayment. I know, I know, it's your business. But you're both accountants, and if Enron taught us anything, it's that when it comes to accountancy, there's nothing definite or exact about that profession. Anything can happen! Bad and good! But enough of my gloom. That's just the actuary in me talking. As a brother, let me say that you're a very lucky man, Jess. Maureen is the perfect mate- she knows as little about money as you do! I kid, I'm a kidder. But I wish you a long life together. You'll need it to pay off this shindig. |
| -Best Man and former brother, Jared |
| When I look upon Denise and Frank, standing together, basking in the glow of their love, I'm reminded of a day eleven months ago when I was standing together with Denise, basking in the glow of our love. In fact, a good majority of you were there, at my wedding to Denise. Don't you remember? And don't you remember the toast Frank gave at our wedding? It was so... remarkable, that I'm going to say it word for word here, except I'll put in Frank's name instead of mine. Frank began, "Here's to the happy couple. May their love never die, and may their marriage last their entire lives. Denise is such a beautiful, perfect human being, a divinity among us mortals. If Frank does anything to hurt her- physical abuse, verbal abuse, it doesn't matter- I will be over in a split second to punish Frank and rescue Denise. I promise you, Frank, if you ever harm Denise, if you ever threaten Denise, if you cheat on Denise, if you force Denise to perform sexual acts that she refuses to do, or if you even disappoint Denise in any way, you will pay. You can flee to the other side of the planet but I will find you, and I will extract justice on your body in the most painful way possible. You are marrying nothing less than a goddess, and you will treat her as such." Frank finished the toast at that point. Now, to look at me, you wouldn't think that I'd be able to chase Frank around the globe, much less make him suffer. It's true that I'm not the athlete I was two months ago, but I keep a gun with me at all times, Frank, and not just some pissy little .22 caliber but a huge .45 cannon that will cut off a limb with one shot, and I'll always be ready to use it. Where did your smiles go? Come on, big smiles, everyone. Here's to you on your happy day, Frank, Denise. Cheers! [DRINKS CHAMPAGNE] Could someone help me navigate my wheelchair back to my table? |
| To the Bride And Groom: In a thousand years, nobody's gonna care. Let's drink. |
| -Thirsty Cousin Thelma |
| -The less known about this person, the better |
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