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| Click below and go to KPUT Bios and Future Obits and read about four wounded souls who've suffered the slings and arrows of actual slings and arrows. |
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| The pages on this site have been saluted, dismissed and patriotically prejudiced by: Ben DeJean Hector DeJean Glen Keenan Steve Scholz |
| December 2006 |
| KPUT audio comedy features the voices of men and women who are tired, poor and yearning to be free of this paragraph: Dave Clayton, Ben DeJean, Hector DeJean, Glen Keenan, Dave Kintigh, Brian McDermott, Andi Nelson, Angela Nims, Mike Noble, Kevin Ross, Chad Sanders, Steve Scholz, Bob Shultice, Michelle Sohner, Barb Spanjers, Eric Walke, Jean Weisshaar, Lori Wunder |
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| With the recent Congressional elections showing a surprising change in the American political landscape, I daresay the time is right for a shocking suggestion designed to rescue the Executive Branch. No longer can we sit by as the system of �checks and balances� gets restored after six heroic years of unilateral power. We must move forward to take back what has made our country great. Therefore, the time has come for torturing the President. While even joking about killing the President of the United States is a felony, the same rule does not apply to a President willingly choosing his own physical persecution. This is not only appropriate in a nation that regards torture with increasing acceptance, but for the sake of restoring the President's image, it is a positive godsend. Allow me to illustrate why George W. Bush�s submitting of himself to episodes of humiliation commingled with agony would be a move so canny that Karl Rove will kick himself for not thinking of it first. What I'm proposing here, I want to stress, is not the killing of our nation's elected leader�just overloading his nervous system with as much excruciating pain as a grown man could reasonably be expected to bear and still survive. As a loyal American, I stand by my president, and would never make such a seemingly hostile recommendation if the situation didn't call for it. Clearly it does. The reasons are as follows: |
| Copyright 2006 KPUT Komedy Ink. All rights reserved. |
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Clearly, George W. Bush could only benefit from undergoing intense torture. All it would cost is a few fingernails, a year or two off his life, perhaps some teeth, and quite possibly his ability to urinate while standing upright. But he is a man with a legacy to secure, and, with his poll numbers going down faster than a meth-fueled male prostitute on Reverend Ted Haggard, Bush needs to make a bold move to cement the acts of his presidency and get his post-presidency off to a strong start. He could warm up to the concept in private sessions with the First Lady, or with Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice, who has a noted preference for high leather boots and spiked heels. The safety word could be something obvious and easy to remember, like �evildoers,� or �axis,� or even �nine-eleven.� Let�s all support our President as he takes this bold direction, wrists pinned and mouth ball-gagged, showing his followers that he�s nobody�s fool, even if he is somebody�s bitch. Fondly, G. Beasley Torpingorgle Executive Chair of the Liberty Foundation for the Enterprising Advancement of American Freedom Editor�s Note: The opinions expressed above are those of Mr. Torpingorgle and do not necessarily reflect those of KPUT, its creators, nor its reader base. Yeah, right. |
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| By G. Beasley Torpingorgle Executive Chair of the Liberty Foundation for the Enterprising Advancement of American Freedom |
| Many critics have come forth against Bush, Vice President Cheney and Attorney General Gonzalez to protest the legalization of torture. By volunteering to undergo such procedures as waterboarding, sleep deprivation, electrodes to the genitals, and other Abu Ghraib favorites, Bush would silence those critics as assuredly as if his own daughters went to serve in Iraq (which, by the way, is a ridiculous idea�would you seriously want Jenna and Whatsername lobbing grenades at anything?). The leader who smilingly agrees to be tortured is the leader who proves that it's worth all the blood, sweat and tears associated with it. Look, if the President himself can go through with it, what do terrorists, suspected terrorists, and people who share the last names of suspected terrorists have to complain about? |
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As recent national surveys show the President�s approval rating near 31%, more Americans would rather deal with Howie Mandel or watch Dancing With The American Idols than care about the Leader of the Free World. Should the President choose to undergo torture, the public display of such acts would immediately enhance his popularity. Pitch this to the FOX network as a live weekly series, and I guarantee the suspense alone will have every American tuning in. As the man who wears a cowboy hat on his Texas ranch suddenly subjects himself to heinous torment from a racially vague enemy, he can shout to the camera �Bring it on!�, �Mission accomplished!� and �How�d�ya like me now?� Viewers could then call or vote online and give an instant �approval rating� of his performance, with results appearing on a ticker below the squirming Commander in Chief. Repeated showings on YouTube would only heighten the experience, and remind everyone that this President will not take the issue lightly. |
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| Bush's opponents have repeatedly drawn attention to the lack of combat experience among the heads of the current administration. For a group insisting that they are competent to lead a nation in war, not one of them has actually faced incoming grenades or battlefield aftermaths where bugles join John Williams' synthesizers in a heroic yet wistful soundtrack. Senator John McCain, on the other hand, has a kind of credibility this President will never have�not just because he served in combat, but because he endured extended periods of torture. Many voters have, at one time or another, longed to press themselves against McCain's scarred chest, and contemplate the fortitude it took for him to make it through such a trial. Inhaling his musk, voters have imagined a nation where McCain, with his unwavering resolve and his firm, sculpted thighs, guides this great yet yielding nation to socio-economic ecstasy on the satin sheets of the world stage. What President couldn't use a beam or two from McCain's rugged, manly aura? |
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| This Month Presents |
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A Chief Executive seeking to reconnect with a base of biblical literalists can use torture to solidly impress that particular constituency. Christians uniquely symbolize their religion with an instrument of torture�a practice unheard of among any comparative group with the single exception of Iron Maiden fans. The President could opt to have himself flogged by Romans (given his popularity in recent European polls, there are certainly Italians chomping at the bit to do the job), then forced to wear a crown fashioned from thorns, and finally nailed to two cruciform pieces of wood, his legs broken and his side pierced. If the box office gross of Mel Gibson's film The Passion of the Christ teaches us anything, it's that such a display would go over huge with the faithful. Bush would of course have himself taken down before expiring upon the cross, though he could get in a mixture of shouted reproaches and agreements with his unseen father (the parallels just won't end with this one). |
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