 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The rest of your life - pulled from my ass!. |
|
|
| Do some people look at their forecasts and think: "wow, according to this, Im going to meet the woman of my dreams!" Well, no. If you believe such bollocks, you are indeed, a twat. The only thing that you could write as a forecast is 'you are going to read you stars today'. Anything else is a lie. A classic from mistic meg for my sign a few weeks back: "Love will be found at a sports center". Now, does that mean that me and the other 5 million british cancerians are going to find love at the local sportsie? Is there enough people working at the sports halls for all 5 million to get some lovin'? No, I dont think so. |
|
|
| The whole idea that anybodys future could be predicted is slightly lame assed. It would be nice, don't get me wrong, but I do think its grade A bollocks. Planets moving around in the sky effecting the way you think..? Its a bit far fetched, don't you think? The only person qualified to be writing your forecasts is... well... me! Don't forget that the world revolves around me, so in all fairness, the only person you should be reading your stars by, is me! Lets go! |
|
|
| Your Stars.... |
|
...By Mistic KOZZA |
|
|
|
Indeed, my fellow computer-users! I have predicted the rest of your life! Just look at your star sign, as you normally would, and then weep with joy - or, more likely, sadness. Be prosperous, child. |
|
|
|
Aries (March 21 - April 20) |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
Some days you feel good. Some days you may feel great. Treasure those days, my friend... you are not going to have any more. You will become angry agianst those who do better in life than you.. which is pretty much everyone, the tramps are going to have a better time than you. May your days in the gutter be as fruitful as possible, but you might as well top yourself now. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
Leo (July 24 - August 23) |
|
|
|
|
|
Your own downward spiral will suprisingly start with a lottery win. You'll blow all you cash on cigarettes and prostitutes (because you are too sad to get laid without money) then have a nasty suprise when you find out all the prostitutes were infact, men. They'll also give you the full dictonary of sexually transmitted diseases. You then meet the partner of your dreams, but sadly, they think the smell you give out is caused by all your diseases. You die a lonley old git. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Libra (September 24 - October 23) |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
After you spend the next 12 years batteling schitzophrenea, you are glad to find that things are starting to look up for you when the doctors think its safe to put you in a cell without padded walls. However, this is all a trick and when the doctors aren't looking you try and stab as many as you can. Not only do you manage to stab some doctors, but you manage to stab some other pateints, aswell. Sadly, they sedate you, but realise they've just injected you with rat poison. Violent vomiting, blindness and death follow. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21) |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
You pay a simple visit to the local mental health hospital. You did have a mild case of insomnia years ago, and this is just a routine check up. You wave goodbye to your prefect partner and kids. At the hospital, you hear quite a racket going on in another room, but think nothing of it..... until a schitzo Libra runs in an stabs you with a needle. The needle has the HIV virus on it. UNLUCKY! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Capricorn (December 22 - Jan 20) |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
After a tradgic accident involving a penis, vaseline and hot flying white substance (dont ask), you find yourself seriously blinded. Not only do you have to train your guide dog to lick your arse after a dump (come on, hows a blind man supposed to do it?) you have to ask your chums to pick a bird for you on your nights out. Unfortunatley, your mates are nothing but a bunch of wankers and pick this big fat minger for you. She has a beard and the fattest gut you ever didn't see (becuase your blind). Years pass and you have her babies, but at a suprise twist, your sight comes back. You then can't live yourself for shagging such a bloater so jump off a bridge and leave your minger and your minging sprogs behind. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
Aquarius (January 21 - Febuary 19) |
|
|
|
|
|
After a hard days honest work, you enjoy a nice hot shower. Then the worst thing happens, you slip on the soap and find you are paralyzed from the waste down. You then have to then live in a wheelchair for the rest of your life. People call you silly names like 'wheel legs' and 'wheel chair willy'. Then you get a flat tire in the country side and can't get any help, so die. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
Pisces (Febuary 20 - March 20) |
|
|
|
|
|
Depressed and tired with life, you decide to become a sniper and set your revenge upon the world. You climb a nice sized tower and have lots of bullets ready to shoot anyone you can see. Its a bit of a windy day, so the conditions aren't great, but you reckon you get a nice few kills before the police can reach you. Bad news though, seeing as all pisces will follow this, another sniper piseces person is on a taller building than you and has already spotted you. You are shot before you can kill anyone. Shit. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22) |
|
|
|
|
|
You take up religion and become a monk. Thats it. You boring fart. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Virgo (August 24 - September 23) |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
On a holiday to florida, you decide to take up sky diving. You are an instant natural, within your first few goes you're doing loops and all sorts. On your 13th attempt, your parachute does not open. Not to worry, you have a back-up so decide its either open that or die. The back up parachute opens and your speed declines. However, the back-up is of a German make and you don't know how to use the controls, so accidently move yourself over to shark infested waters. Luckly, the sharks have had their fill from another Virgo parachuter, but the baracudas haven't, so they eat you instead. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
Cancer (June 23 - July 23) |
|
|
|
|
|
Not only do you win Mr. Universe, but you win the lottery and become highly famous from excellent web-pages!! How crazy! Well done, although you've not earned your fame or fortune from hard work, you deserve it. Enjoy. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Gemini (May 22 - June 22) |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
Thinking you're unscruptiously hard, you decide to show off with how much booze you can drink and then how fast you can drive. You are indeed unscruptiously hard, well done! You necked 6 pints and drove 70mph without the slightest hint of you crashing. Mr. plod does not think you've done so well though and gives you a life imprisonment....? Why such a long sentance...? Well you also had 20kg of cocaine in your boot. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
Taurus (April 21 - May 21) |
|
|
|
|
|
Last and denfinatley least here, sorry. You see a genuine vision from God telling you that you are 'the chosen one'. Sadly, you think you've gone mad so become a part-time arsonist. You fat wanker. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
So there you go folks. Don't forget that it is also a load of testicles, much like the shit you read in the paper or in a magazine. Nobody can predict the future, dont be such an arse. And if anybody still thinks that such thing is possible, then go round and read you precious forecasts, then. Its your waste 'o fucking time. Heres another good point: if you really could read into the future, would you want to? What if you were predicted bad news? Would you never leave your house in fear of such crap happening to you? I suppose you have forecast the end of this crap though..? |
|
|
|
Au reviour, you suckers. |
|
|
|
Click here to see the most important thing ever! |
|