---------------------------------- It was a bright beauuuutiful day at Mia Kojee's place. The sun was shining beautifully, the birds were singing even more beautifully, and Raiyo's bare sweaty erotic sexy dynamite smooth hairless chest was more beautiful than the two of them combined. "ROWAN!" Kento called, flinging open the door and taking the opportunity to pose heroically. He plopped ungracefully down on his sleeping friend's bed, and munched on chips that had suddenly appeared out of nowhere (here on known as PLOT HOLE). "WAKE UP OR I AM GOING TO FORCE YOU UP!" he said calmly. Rowan didn't move. "BAYAKWN" Kento called politely. "COME HERE FOR A MOMENT AND PLEASE WAKE UP MY GOOOOOOOOD FRIEND FOR A MOMENT PLEASE." Just then, Bayakwn dropped out of PLOT HOLE, and jumped on Rowan's stomach. With a large gasp of air, Rowan didn't move. Bayakwn wiggled his enormous ass around on Rowan's stomach for a moment, pressing his enormous balls onto Rowan's face, using his enormous nose to sniff Rowan's crotch. Rowan didn't move. "Rowan, Kento," a sweet voice called sweetly from down below. "Meshi da ne." Suddenly, Rowan moved suddenly, flinging the enormous Bayakwn off. "I've got it!" he cried excitedly, ignoring the brown smears on his face from Bayakwen's enormous hedgehog-sized dingleberries. He leaped on his bedspread, smashing his feather pillow to smithereens beneath his eeny meeny, teeny weeny, shriveled little, um, feet.. "2+2=4!" Feathers exploded everywhere, one shooting straight up with the power of Raiyo's teeny meeny, eeny (ect, ect.) um, fist, defying the laws of nature and physics to lodge itself in Rowen's left nostril. Roween sniffed, finally noticing the feather after a few moments more of excited posing. His hand reached up, caressed the feather sensually, and his face broke into an enormous grin. "I can fly ...!" he whispered passionately. He leaped onto his window sill and out onto his non-existent balcony (no balcony; Raiyo had the only room with a balcony in the house, another unfair leader privilege), driven into throes of the orgasmic type by the tickle of the feather reaching up into his ticklish sinuses. He leaps, plunging down down down down into the blooming saakur-a blossoms (blooming despite the fact that it was late July), crying about angels the whole way down, and managed to impale himself very neatly with no blood onto an outreached branch. The feather falls tragically to the ground. Strangely, the thin branch doesn't snap off with the warrior's weight, but continues to bob beautifully in the non-existent breeze. Meanwhile, in LaLaLand, the story continues. The sweet voice that had plagued Raiyo's wet dreams for months continued also, calling out "Lunch time!" to anyone or anything that would listen: his friends (who were all inside by this time and chowing down on a yummy breakfast of waffles waffles and more waffles, despite the fact that they live in Japan having them eating pickles and miso would be a nifty way to show off any "cultural skills.") the birds outside (who ignored his cries totally because they were used to this strange little elf-thing cawing at them) and the pile of tiger shit on the carpet, by the TV (which, weirdly enough, didn't reply). The chef himself frowned prettily, hovering over his friends and cutting up their meat into small bites. "O!" he would cry, making the syllable sound exactly like one of those odd shrieks that occur at odd moments in Victorian novels; "You haven't have your 32nd helping of waffles!" Despite all of this rich food three times a day, all five (well, four now, thanks to Roween's revelation) were in the tipie topie of shape. This was either due to their martial arts skills that were displayed at various times of the day, especially at school when there might be hot chicks in those short little sailor skirts around, or it could have been due to their buggering each other senseless after dark. One could never tell what happened between closed doors at this house, what with the tiger and all the 'swords' lying around. And of course, we would never tell. The warriors must now make their way to school, Hannah High, so in due course they bring the chainsaw out to the back and chase all the lovely birds away with the lovely noise and cut Roween down from his tree. Walking along -- no wait, they were RUNNING along with a piece of toast (wait again -- maybe it was a waffle) in their mouths -- dragging their Rowan-on-a-stick, feeling each other up in broad daylight but, of course, stopping whenever a pair of hot legs and a sailor skirt appeared because of course these darlings could never be gay! They do, after all, have reputations to keep up. The cherry blossoms were still blooming when they got to school, despite the fact that due to PLOT HOLE several months elapsed and it was now Thanksgiving (despite the fact that Thanksgiving is an American holiday; oh well, another PLOT HOLE). They shivered a bit in their black school uniforms, you know, those ones that make these babies look o so sexy and mysterious, but Seiji warmed up as soon as the school bell rang and he was immediately surrounded and groped by at least ten screaming sailor-skirt clad girls, making enough noise that you would think that they would have just seen the BoyBand of the Month, easily exchangeable with the BoyBand of Last Month, except that **this** month's Band **writes their own songs**. Ooo. Sage just flipped his hair around and looked cool, whipping one classmate in the face with those golden locks (she promptly screeched with delight and fell to the ground, to be trampled by her friends. When she got out of the hospital four months later, she would brag to her friends about the orgasmic experience.) "Sage!" cried a Generic Female (here-after known as Ayako); "Will you go out with me? I still want you, even though I ask you out every single day and you only brush me off with complete disdain because I'm an obnoxious Bird!" [eerie moment of clarity] "Sage, fuck me fuck me fuck me!" But Seiji had no eyes for her or any other of the Ayako-people clutching at him. His gaze was directed at some new, fresh-faced sluts -- um I mean classmates! Yeah! They were average height, but above-average build, and they glanced around the Hannah High yard with all the seeming mental capacity of a hot air balloon. Except of course they were highly intelligent. You should never judge by appearances, you know, it's a terrible lesson that should never be taught to one by an nine-thousand pound shaved gorilla wearing a baby bonnet and a leopard G-string. They weighed 108 pounds each and twenty pounds of that were all up top, baby. "LOOK AT THE TITS ON THAT REDHEAD! WOW I'D LIKE TO GET IN HER PANTS!" Kento whispered to Sigh, but for his efforts at being quiet only got him a glare and an elbow in the ribs. Rubbing his side, Kento corrected himself ruefully: "I MEAN, UM . . . SHE MUST BE VERY CLASSY AND INTELLIGENT. I WOULD LIKE TO --" he paused, trying to contain himself "-- TAKE HER OUT FOR A MOVIE, DINNER, AND MAYBE DANCING. OR SHOPPING. WHATEVER SHE WOULD LIKE. I CAN STARE DEEPLY IN HER EYES AND READ LYRICS OFF A BACKSTREET BOYS CD AND NOT STARE AT HER NUBBINS AT ALL." Seiji was transfixed, his mind going numb with sappy 98 Degree- esque poetry. he thought. He strode forward, Brushing Off the Ayako's; they went flying everywhere, and timely breeze showing off maiden-white panties, to the delight of our heroes (except for Sigh, who was busy fucking Kento in the water fountain). Before our wanna-be Casanova Frankenstein could reach her, however, the late bell rang and he was rushed off to class, leaving him staring after the befuddled schoolyard goddesses with nothing but a whiff of white trash perfume in his nostrils to remind him of their beauty. "Bloody bloody bloody bloody hell!" Sigh screamed as the roll call was read off, for no other reason than the fact that he was a bloody Brit. (He likes to boil his boyfriends, besides). The other warriors only glared at him; the hot babes from the yard were standing up by the teacher's desk nervously, flinging back their long lustrous locks occasionally and making kissy-faces at random students, and Sai was acting like a fool. The other three POSED, trying to catch the girls' attentions, but the prettier one was, for some reason or another, fixated on trying to see up the skirt of the chick in the front row. Go figure. The other one stared out the window. They both snapped to attention when the teacher smacked them hard on the back of their heads, however. "Introduce yourselves, please," said Ms. H, the teacher, coolly, being too lazy to do it herself. "My name is Hephestus," said Window-Girl shyly, looking down at the white tile. She was tall, willowy and blonde. Perfect skin, perfect eyes, perfect hair, perfect tits. Hephestus was a gorgeous kind of girl, and had the cutest little way of glancing up out of the corners of her eyes that unavoidably made one think of what it would be like to put it up her butt – surely not too tight, but plenty warm and lots of room in case you wanted to put other things -- "And my name is Penis," said the other girl, cutting impatiently in on the narrator's um, detailed diatribe. (fx:) SCHWWWWINNNNGGG!!!! Well that, ahem, grabbed the attention of the boys away from their moaning teacher, especially given the wondrous appearance of the girl who had just said that magic word. "Excuse me?" Raiyo asked, glancing down self- consciously. Sigh reached up and patted his friend on the back, sympathy in his big cyan eyes, sending along a mental message: "Penus," she patiently explained, staring at them innocently. "Exactly like 'Venus,' but with a 'P'." The boys in the classroom nodded sagely. "Hey!" Sage said, slightly offended as all of his male classmates suddenly sprouted freaky blonde hair and a gorgeous build. "No poseurs allowed!" They all stared at him, slowly returning to normal. "You may sit down," the teacher said huskily, strutting forward to grope Penus' ass, then gently pushed her forward to a near table, coincidentally Sage and Roweeen's table. Sage was quite excited by this unexpected turn of events, and made some attempts to hide it by crossing his legs and putting his hands in his lap. However, only disappointment lay in his path, because Penus sidestepped the obvious table to weave her way to the back to Sigh and Kento's table, where she pushed the latter off of his stool to make kissy faces at the poor red-headed Brit. Only Hephestus came to sit by the blonde hunk (hunk of what?) and his companion, who by now was starting to smell a bit funny. She took in Rowan's cold stare, lowered head and the bloody branch protruding from his stomach all in one glance, but kept stealing peeks from beneath her own hanging bangs when she thought the blue-haired warrior wouldn't notice. Not that he was exactly noticing much, since he was going through the first stages of rigor mortis. Not that she was noticing much either, since she had all the personality of a Brittany Spears song and was numb from the neck down and the neck up. She didn't feel a thing when Seiji put his hand up her too-short skirt. (Dear Seiji, here's a hint: try the neck, she might feel something.) "Hello," she said sweetly, batting her huge eyes. Seiji grinned at her foolishly, "Hi. How are you?" "Very good," she replied. "I'm new to this area. I moved over from a suburb in America, outside of LaLaLand and this side of IdiotsVille. Do you have a problem with that?" Without taking her sugar sweet Bambie eyes from Sage's face, she twisted his wrist twice around, efficiently removing his fist out of her ass (Sage's favorite spot). She hesitated, and then leaned forward to whisper. "What is your friend's name? Is he very shy?" "His name is Rowean," Seiji replied, glancing toward his buddy. "No, he's not shy. He's um, kind of dead." Hephestus brightened up immediately. "Oh good!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands girlishly, "That's exactly the way I like it!" Seiji's face distorted a bit at that, but he regained control of his jaw as well as his Magic Fingers) just in time for the Ms. H to announce lab partners. Walking around in her fuck-me pumps and pursing her black lipstick-coated cupids-bow mouth, she read off the list. Seiji tuned her out; all the females in the class were named Ayako and all the males were called Generic Guy. The only parts that interested him were where he was going to be. Unfortunately, he had had the highest score on last year's Sexiness/Popularity poll and so was paired up with a Moron: Ayako #495. Touma ranked second, and so was paired up with Hephestus. Nobody offered to explain the logistics of this to him, so Seiji simply drummed his fingers on the table impatiently while Ayako giggled and simpered, acting in the general manner of Christina Aguilara. Meanwhile, in the back of the room, there was a penis molesting Sigh. Strangely enough, it didn't belong to Kento. Penus was intently groping Sigh. Sigh simply sighed and put up with it, but Kento had had enough. He was sick and tired of Sigh being molested by a Penus that didn't belong to him, so he grabbed her by the pinkie and shoved a hamburger into her ear. "O no! O no! O no no no! O no no no!" a jiggling fat um, lady stealing Sigh's line randomly sang as s/he walked across the classroom, mumbling about how hard it was to be divine. Seiji's eyes followed her intently. Sigh glared at the retreating figure as it retreated, than continued into a solid wall, overwise known as PLOT HOLE, otherwise known as WRITER'S BLOCK. Sigh paused, sliped away to quietly steal the overhead projector, than picked up the scrip where it had been so wudely intewwupted. "Oh no, Kento!" he gasped. "That's your lucky hamburger!" Meanwhile, in the front of the room, things weren't going to swimmingly. Sage refuses to talk to Ayako, and Rowyan (for some bizarre and selfish reason) refuses to talk to Hephestus. Rowyen merely lay drooling on a book, so deeply engrossed in a dictionary, that SUDDENLY, Human combustion! Spontaneous human combustion, even! Seiji wonders as his lab partner is enveloped is a ball of flame. The class flees for their respective lives. "Goddamnit Roan!" Sigh shouted. "You nearly set the place on fire!" He promptly proceeds to bite Roan's head off. He chews on the baked chunk of calorie packed, protein infested, Trooper brain matter for a few seconds in time before grinning like the hungry-like-the-wolf WASP child that he would like to be and announcing, "Tastes like sushi." Kento regarded him solemnly. "Sigh, you're a traitor." Ryo gasped. "Sai ...? A traitor?" Nobody quite had an answer for that one, and Kento had kind of lost the thought track that that line had belonged to. Everybody chose to forget what the actual intention they had in bringing up that unfortune bit of information, just like the author obviously has. Seiji studied his recently passed on friend critically. The fire had burned most his clothes away and fried his eyebrows to a crisp. There was a large chunk of Rowan's skull missing, and a yellowish fluid was seeping from the wound in his stomach, forming a human sap around the section of tree branch that still protruded from his belly. Seiji sniffed huffily, rather upset that his friend could let his appearance go that much. he thought, too misty-eyed and sentimental to voice the love/hate that filled his heart to bursting. He paused. "Oh well, too much effort to do something that's already been done," Seiji says, after a brief moment of consideration. He thinks for a bit longer, and that announces brightly: "On to Plan B, then!" Ayako leaps up out of nowhere, smelling like burnt hair and looking like deep fried chicken, and chirps, "What's Plan 9?" "From outer space?" echoes Sigh. He sighs pleasantly. Sage ignores this. "My girlfriend!" he says grandly. "Is coming to town!" Ayako promptly expires. END PART ONE. STAY TUNED IN AND TURNED OFF FOR PART TWO: THE FLIRT BEATS OFF.