I thought that these quotes were quite fitting for the upcoming chapters:

 

“Use me when you want to come
I've bled just to have your touch
When I'm in you I want to die”

 

“Use me like I was a whore
Relationships are such a bore
Deleted the ones that you've fucked.”

 

"I'm not in love, but I'm gonna fuck you
'til somebody better comes along."

 

All are from Marilyn Manson’s song; User Friendly and pretty much dictate the mood for the upcoming chapters and chapter.

 

There are several point of view changes in this chapter, especially at the end- do pay attention to the magic stars.

 

 

Chapter: 10

 

            The day passed by slowly, almost painfully slowly.

 

            The more minutes that passed, the more I hated myself.  Especially when I was with Jon.  When lunch was about to end I finally told myself to enjoy the time I had with Jon until it was over.  Maybe get laid a couple more times before the weeks end.  I am the most selfish prick on the face of the earth.

            “Is there something wrong?” Jon asked as we walked towards class.  I quickly covered.

            “No, nothing, I just miss being with you.”  I leaned in close, “I want to be in you again.  I can’t stop thinking about it.”  Jon blushed and looked down at his feet.  I realized that my statement had come out a lot hornier than intended.  The bell rang again and I leaned in and gave Jon a quick peck.

            “Meet me in the parking lot and I’ll give you a ride home after school.” I called as I headed down the hallway.

 

***

 

            I spent the entire last period of the day speckling my entire notebook page with the tiniest of stars.  I wanted to go home.  I wanted to see Adam.  God am I ever becoming a lovesick fool.  I could have swore the clock was broken with how slowly the minutes ticked by.  Finally the bell rang and I leapt from my seat, running towards the door almost.  At my locker I frantically threw my books into my bag and then forced myself to slow down and walk casually to the parking lot where Adam would surely be waiting for me.

            I squinted and turned to riffle through my bag where I thought my sun glasses would be when I burst through the back doors of the school and out onto the steps leading to the parking lot.  People pushed and shoved at me on their way out until someone grabbed me around my waist and picked me up.  I nearly jumped a mile high, my sunglasses almost flying right out of my hands.  People turned and stared when I yelped, disgusted looks written across their faces.  I didn’t care as I turned around and planted my lips on Adam’s, knowing he was the one who had picked me up.  I realized with a start that, I really didn’t give a shit what people thought about me anymore.  Everything was divided between the two of us now.  The two school faggots.

            Adam put me down with a “Hello” and we walked across the parking lot together.  People tried not too look obvious as they watched us from all distances, surely wondering what the hell was going on.

            “So we’re going to my house this time?” I asked.

“Sure.” Adam said casually, both eyes on the road.

“I warn you, I live with an evil beast.” I said.

“I’m not worried, I’ve met the one that resides in your pants.” Adam said with a grin.  I smacked him in the arm.

“Seriously though.  My stepmom Lillie hates me.  And if you’re my friend- she’ll hate you too.” I said seriously.

“I can take it.” Adam said “We’ll be in your bedroom the entire time anyway right?”  Another playful smack in the arm, even though the idea was enticing.

I unlocked the door with shaky hands and led Adam into the house.  Lucky for me when we had arrived, Lillie’s car had been nowhere in sight.

“Alyssa?!” I called as soon as I got in.

No answer.

“Alyssa?!” I bellowed.  She came out into the hallway quickly.

“Can’t a girl go to the bathroom in peace?  I unzip my jeans and you yell at me like the house is falling down!” She said with an exasperated expression on her face.  She stopped and looked from me to Adam and back again.  Then gave me a quizzical “what’s he doing here?” kind of look.  I didn’t bother to explain but just shrugged and introduced Adam.

“Hi…” Alyssa responded hesitantly, “Sorry- chronic bitchiness at the worst times I’m afraid.” She said and reached forward to shake Adam’s hand, all the while keeping an eye on me.

“Well I uh, have stuff to do.” Alyssa announced, leaving Adam and I in the front hall.

“So are you going to give me the grand tour?” He teased.  I rolled my eyes

“It’s not so grand, but whatever.” I said.

“This is the kitchen.” I said gesturing to the family room.  Adam looked at me oddly.

“And this is the bathroom.” I said gesturing to the kitchen.  I proceeded down the hall to the bathroom, “this is my bedroom.”  I kept going on to my actual room, “And this is the living room.” I said with a self satisfied smirk.

“Very funny.” Adam said sarcastically before he closed the door behind us with his foot.  His expression turned more serious especially when he turned and locked the door.  I was standing close enough for him to easily grab me around the waist from behind and pull me back against him.

“Jon…” He breathed into my ear before he started to suck gently on my collar bone.  At first the only thing I could respond with was a gasp.  His hands had climbed up my shirt already and were pinching at my nipples, hardening the little buds rapidly.  I let out a soft moan, aware that my sister was just down the hall.

“Adam my sister is home, we can-” Adam cut of my words and roughly crushed his lips against mine.  He backed me up until both of us collapsed onto my bed, with him on top of me.  The mattress creaked and groaned underneath us, not used to the extra weight.  His hands climbed up my top while simultaneously holding me down against the mattress.  When he finally pulled back from his kiss my lips felt bruised and swollen.

“Sorry.” Adam apologized breathlessly, “I have been waiting to do that all day.”  He smiled and gave me a small peck, seeing I was still attempting to catch my breath.  His hands wandered across my bare skin from where my shirt had ridden up a bit.  I knew what he wanted to do- again.  But I couldn’t help but feel that this time, things were rushed- not right- something was wrong.  I reached out and grabbed at his hand.

“Adam maybe we should um…slow down…we have plenty of time to do this later.” I said.

“I want to do this now- please Jon.” He begged quietly, “I’m sorry, it’s just I’ve never felt like this before- about anyone.  I don’t want this feeling to ever go away…”  His lips were on my neck and warm tingles shot to every part of my body and suddenly I didn’t want him to stop.  It felt nice, all resolve left me because I too, had never felt this way about anyone before. 

 

            By the time Adam left my house my body ached so badly that I had to drag myself out of bed.  It was still a good ache though.  Still there was this naggy feeling in the back of my mind that I shouldn’t have been so quick to just do this.

            “At least you were quiet in there.” Alyssa teased when I immerged from my room to take a shower after Adam had left.

            “Very funny.” I said, “My back hurts.” I complained as I headed back towards the kitchen.

            “I don’t like him one bit.” Alyssa said prophetically, so much so that I turned around to face her and study the honesty of the statement in her face.  She was completely serious, the intensity in her gaze scaring me a bit.

            “He’s just using you for some sick perverted reason of his own.” She spat.

            “Just because he’s gay doesn’t make him-” I started to say in defense of her “perverted” comment.

            “I’m not talking about that Jon!  I don’t care who or what you have sex with, unless they are going to hurt you in the end!” Alyssa shouted.

            “He’s not going to hurt me.” I insisted, pounding my hand against the counter.  Alyssa jumped and I even surprised myself with the display of force I had just exhibited.  I doubted my own words nonetheless when I still saw the dark determination that remained in my sisters eyes.  A creeping sensation of doubt acted like a fist around my stomach.

            “He is going to hurt you.” She insisted quietly, “I wish you had seen that earlier.  I wish you had told me earlier what was going on.”  Then she hung her head and left the room. 

As much as I tried to shake the feeling over the course of the evening, doubt followed me into my sleep and didn’t even leave my dreams- which were full of macabre images of Adam raping me- or the more realistic images of him laughing at me or hurting me.

 

***

 

            Friday morning arrived long before I wanted it to.  It made me sick inside thinking about what I had to do.  I decided ahead of time to do the deed at the end of the day- so I wouldn’t have to deal with as much humiliation with the rumors that would follow, and more so, that I wouldn’t have to deal with the hurt on Jonathan’s face when I saw him after the deed was done.  I shouldn’t have had sex with him last night.  I’m making it even worse for myself.  I felt the sick feeling rise up in me again and I leaned over the porcelain basin once again and threw up.  It was the third time this morning at school, let alone at home.  I sat back and leaned against the wall, my pulse beating frantically against my own skin, a cold sweat dripping down to the base of my spine like ice.  I stayed like that, leaning against the wall for several minutes.  The bell rang for class and I didn’t move.  I wasn’t capable of thinking about anything but what I was going to do later today.  Who I was going to hurt.  My thoughts were like an abstract painting as I sat there.

…I shouldn’t have gone for this dare…

…but you did go for this dare because it would be a fun, new way to make that little fag miserable…

…I love him….

….I fucked him…

…who gives a shit?...

…You are a faggot!  Faggot!...

…you can’t wait to fuck him again can you?...

…But I love him, that’s why I did it…that’s why I had sex- no made love with him…

…why am I doing this…

…because you know you can still get laid don’t you?...

…you’re going to get laid…

…I don’t care…the person I care about is going to hate me….

…but you hate him don’t you…

…he made you a fag…

…Maybe I was already a fag…maybe he was the one that made me realize it…

           

I leaned over and dry heaved above the toilet, but my stomach was empty- just like me.  I had nothing left in me.  Except a conscience that refused to stop nagging me…and reminding me that, like it or not, I had some sort of feelings for Jonathan Davis.  I stood up and flushed the toilet before opening the stall door and going to the sink to wash my face with some cold water.  When I looked up, I looked ghostly white, my eyes hollow and frightening.  I sighed and looked away from my own guilt and went to class.

 

            With obvious reason, I skipped most of my classes, but for some strange reason, could not stop myself from going to the cafeteria to meet Jon for lunch, no matter how destructive my behavior was.  I sat down in the plastic chair next to him and gave him as sweet a peck on the cheek that I could, trying to cover up how guilty I felt.

            “What’s wrong?” Jon asked hesitantly after a few moments when we barely spoke.  This is my chance.  I should take it now while I still can.

            “I- uh-nothing I just had a bad day so far.  I’ve been feeling sick this morning.” I half lied.  I chickened out.  Pussy! My mind screamed at me.

“Are you okay?” Jon asked, “Feeling any better?”  I nodded mutely.

“Yeah I’m okay now.” I said with a forced smile.

 

Lunch time was agonizingly long.  It was tearing me up inside.  I was relieved when I finally made the arrangement to meet Jon out in the parking lot after school so that I could drive him home.  He had no clue that I had ulterior motives.  My friends rushed up to me just after I had dropped Jonathan off to class.

“Have you done the deed yet?”  Derek asked, giving me a nudge.

“Naw, I’m waiting till after school.” I found myself bragging, “More people around to see the little faggot weep.” The sound of my own voce made me sick.

“I bet you wanna fuck him up the ass one more time before you break it off.” Derek hissed, “I bet you did it already and enjoyed it.”

“And I bet you enjoy just fantasizing about something that never happened.” I replied cockily.

“Sure it didn’t.” Derek replied.  At that point my breath caught in my throat and my heart stopped.  Does he know?  I turned and looked at him.  It was clear on his face that didn’t.

“You’re a sick man.” I said.

“And you are one desperate mother fucker in need of a blow job.” Derek responded.  The rest of the guys snickered.

“See you after school.” Derek said, just before we all departed to our classes.  I, of course, ran to the bathroom and threw up the contents of my stomach.  My conscience was acting on overtime now.  Every time I thought about Jonathan I felt sick with the knowledge of what I was going to do to him.  What was I going to feel after?

I stayed in the bathroom for a long time, actually losing track of time until I heard it.  The most horrible sound.  The bell I so looked forward to everyday rang, acting as my cue to go out there an act like I didn’t care.

 

***

 

            My sister’s premonitions weighed heavily on me throughout the day on Friday, needless to say I was relieved when I had spent lunch with Adam and he invited to pick me up and drive me home again after school.  Things were alright.  They were going to be alright.  When the bell rang it was like a weight had been lifted off of my chest and I barely paid attention to anyone else as I went to my locker, threw my books in and fled to the parking lot where my boyfriend would surely be waiting.  Again I squinted in the sun light, but this time didn’t bother t pull on my sun glasses, I would be home or at Adam’s soon enough.  I spotted him leaning against his car, waiting for me and started across the parking lot…

 

***

 

            My heart skipped several beats once I saw that he had caught site of me from across the parking lot.  He started down the steps and it seemed like it took hours for him to wind his way through cars until he reached me. 

“Hi!” He greeted happily when he saw me, than stood on his tiptoes to give me a small peck on the cheek.  I fought tears as I turned my lips away from him.  He reluctantly stood back.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, fear crossing his face.  Doubt.

“I have to talk to you.” I responded.  My friends knew their cue and they were waiting for it.

“What?” Jon asked nervously.

“I can’t see you anymore.” I confessed, my stomach falling to my knees.  This was even harder than I thought it would be.  Jon looked to be in shock.

“W-w-why not?”

 

***

 

            “The truth is…” I started, the guys came out of hiding to witness the act.  Jon looked frightened.

            “I don’t really like guys.  In fact, you repulse me.  You’re disgusting.” I began.  Jon’s lower lip started to tremble.

            “But we-”

            I cut him off before he could finish his sentence and potentially cause problems for me.

            “But we went out.” I teased mockingly.  I felt heartless.  But I kept up my act, “I went out with you because I was dared to you little faggot.”  I hissed with more venom than I thought could possibly come from me.  Behind my, my friends were smirking victoriously.  Jon started to say something but before he could get the words out of his mouth, I spoke.

            “God, looking at you makes me sick.” I spat.  The guys smiled.  Something changed in Jonathan’s face right then though.  And I was taken aback.  It scared me- the anger and the hurt- and something else- that I saw in them.

 

***

 

            The first thing I felt was a horrible pain in my chest.  Like someone ripping my heart out, and proverbially- they were.  I wanted to cry, but Adam’s friends stood there in front of me.  I refused to shed one single tear because that would mean they had won.  When Adam had told me that looking at me made him sick, that had almost done it.  But I sucked it up and decided to strike back.  Even though inside, I was falling apart.

            “Looking at me makes you sick?” I hissed coldly, “Well you could have fooled me you asshole!”

            “OOooo somebody is talking dirty now, keep going, I like it.” Adam replied coldly, unphased.  One of his friends snickered.

            “Fuck off!” I growled at him, “This is none of your goddamned business.”  Adam smiled again, that sick smile.

            “You sick fuck!” I cried, “You like fucking with my head almost as much as you like fucking me in the ass don’t you?” I cried.  It was loud enough for several people to turn my way.  I had done my part to make him feel shamed and embarrassed.  I let the tears flow freely down my face.  I vaguely wished that I had my sunglasses on now to cover up my tears.  Adam’s friends looked at him strangely before they backed away.  He threw them a slightly nervous glance.

“Relax guys, he’s freaking out because he’s a fucking slut and never got me, even though he wanted it so bad.”  He said.  I looked at him, tears blurring my vision.

“Right.” I said quietly, almost in defeat, and just to Adam.  I turned to his friends.

“He fucked me alright.  And not just once.  You wanna see the marks?” I invited.  I pulled the collar of my shirt to the side to reveal some of the hickies, at the same time I pulled up the bottom of my shit to reveal the distinct trail of bite marks and hickies down towards the top of my jeans.

“Oh gross…” I heard some of his friends exclaim.  I looked up at Adam’s face.  Two could play this game.

“I’m giving you one chance to tell the truth.” I said shakily, “Just one chance.”

 

***

 

            His actions had taken me by surprise and displayed my sexuality and what we had really been doing all this time, way too quickly, and to the wrong people.  I was pissed, really, really pissed.  I shoved Jonathan to the ground.  I expected him to pull himself up and run away but he didn’t move.  He slowly pulled himself up to a standing position again.  I noticed blood seeping from his left hand.  Both palms were scraped.  He opened his left hand to reveal a chunk of glass and held it in his palm before pulling his shirt up and bringing the sharp material to his pale stomach.  Without any hesitation he looked straight at me and dragged the shard of glass across his stomach, bright crimson blood pouring out of the wound quickly.  I gasped, I couldn’t help it.  The wound was far from small or shallow.  It clawed across his stomach deeply, like a wild animal had gotten to him.  If it didn’t need stitches, it was pretty damn close.

            “Look what you’ve done to me!” He screamed at me.  Tears flowed down his cheeks, “I’m giving you one fucking chance.  Tell me now you fucking selfish bastard, did you actually love me, or was this a sick joke, a mistake?” He asked.  My heart was beating frantically.  I wanted to say I was sorry, I loved him.  I wanted to wipe the blood from his pale skin and take him into my arms and kiss him until his pain went away.  Pain that I had inflicted willingly, pain I could have stopped.  But I couldn’t do it.  The guys stared at me for a moment.  I think they knew what was going on in my head.  I think they knew what I wanted to answer, but I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t answer at all.

            “I can’t.” Was the only thing I managed to say.  Jon looked at me, a mysterious and sickening glow in his eyes.  His chest was rapidly rising and falling, tears fell down his cheeks.  He squeezed the piece of glass in his hands and more blood ran down and dripped onto the pavement where we stood.  The shad of glass dropped from his hand and he looked me right in the eyes one last time.

 

***

 

            It was all a sick and disgusting joke.  That moment after Adam responded with few simple words, “I can’t” destroyed me.  I clutched the shard of glass in my hand as the only thing I could hold onto at the moment and felt the blood flow down my hand. I didn’t feel any pain at all, except for in my heart.  Cutting wasn’t helping.  It wasn’t making me feel better or making Adam see.  I dropped the shard of glass when I faintly became aware that people were moving aside for a guidance counselor or the principal or someone to come after me.

            “I thought you loved me.” I said in barely a whisper.  But the flash across Adam’s expression told me that he had heard me.  Just as I felt the presence of the counselor behind me, I turned and bolted off running across the parking lot.  My lungs burned and my heart ached, but still I kept running.  Nobody would ever understand what had happened to me.  I don’t think Adam even knew what he had done.

 

 

 

 

Okay so this chapter was really long (almost seven pages) but really important…as you can see.  And this is far from over…

 

 

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