korn problems
AGE: 18
PROBELEM: i'm missing brian welch too much!
SUGGESTED SOLUTION: this is a tough one. brian says he doesn't imagine ever coming back to koRn cos it sets a bad example to his 6 year old kid. i know it sucks, but brian is planning on recording some stuff as a solo artist so you can still worship him! koRn fans across the world will not forget about him. we love you brian!
AGE: 21
PROBLEM: my korn problem is that i'm totally obsessed with them! I've been to 8 concerts and finally met Jonathan after 9 years. I'm in love with Jonathan and wish I could prove it to him, so he'd know for sure it wasn't a groupie thing! This man makes my heart skip a beat when I hear his voice! So what should I do?
SUGGESTED SOLUTION: like in the phone ad, get him to sign an "autograph" and then show him that he's just signed a contract saying he has to shag you 24/7. that'll show him how crazy you are about him! (or maybe just how crazy you are!)
AGE: 16
PROBLEM: i can't stop thinking about korn! i'm obsessed! i think about their sexy bodies all the time and i play their music 24 hours a day! what can i do?help!
SUGGESTED SOLUTION: that's not a problem!
i usually dream that i'm snuggled up to jon's lovely sexy body! don't worry about obsessing-korn is the best band in the world and it's great that you love them so much! keep playing their music and remember-life is peachy!
AGE: 17
PROBLEM: not enough korn albums
SUGGESTED SOLUTION: write to korn's production company millions of times threatening to blow the place up unless korn makes more albums. that should do the trick, although you might find that they don't find it very funny and you end up spending the night in an american prison. still, it's a risk worth taking.
AGE: 19
PROBLEM: i need more korn!
SUGGESTED SOLUTION: write off and ask to be in the korn video of fans they're shooting this summer, and then you'll get to meet korn and you'll also have a video you can watch over and over of you and korn! success!
AGE: 16
PROBLEM: i spend too much money on korn. i keep buying every magazine with then in, and i have all their singles, albums and videos. my mum says i should cut back, as it's a waste of money. i have a job so i have enough money, but i don't want to upset my mum. what should i do?
SUGGESTED SOLUTION: tell your mum to go fuck herself! if you have the dosh, then buy whatever you like! she's obviously got something wrong with her if she thinks that buying korn stuff is a waste of money, so don't waste your time arguing with her! get out there and buy what the hell you want!
AGE: 19
PROBLEM: i love korn more than i love my girlfriend. she says she's gonna dump me if i don't stop going to gigs. what should i do?
SUGGESTED SOLUTION: ditch the bitch!