Once Earl and Clyde decided to go ice fishing. They were on the ice, chopping away to make a hole to the water, when a voice echoed out of the air and reverberated, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN THAT HOLE."
They were mystified, but decided the voice from the heavens must know what it was talking about, so they moved on to another spot in the ice where they proceeded to start chopping again. And again the voice echoed down from the heavens saying..."THERE ARE NO FISH IN THAT HOLE!"
Earl and Clyde were getting quite disturbed by now, but not to be dissuaded, they moved to yet a third spot and begin chopping again. Again the voice thundered down, and a bit angry sounding this time.... "THERE ARE NO FISH IN THAT HOLE, EITHER!"
In frustration, Earl lifted his eyes upward and yelled, "IS THAT YOU, GOD?"
His inquiry was immediately answered, "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK."
1- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2- Insanity is the only means of relaxation.
3- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
4- You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5- One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
6- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will live forever.
7- I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along comes today.
9- Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
There was a guy driving down the road when he ran out of gas. He went to the nearest house to ask for some. As soon as the home owner opened the door it started to pour so the guy asked if he could stay overnight. The owner said, "Okay, but if you see a monster in the garage, whatever you do, don't touch it."
So the man went up to the guestroom but was too curious. He went down to the garage and saw the huge ugly monster. He decided to see what it would do if he threw a rock at it or made faces. He did both of these things, but nothing happened.
So the man went and touched the monster. Up the monster jumped and chased the man all over the country. When the man finally got to a cliff, he thought he was going to die, so he rolled up in a tiny ball.
When the monster came over, he touched the man and said, "You're it!"