(K/N: This can be found in the archives of Greenegeek, where it was a guest geekspeak column)

            Okay, so you know how on that one episode of �Will and Grace�, Jack is all �Buffy is my life!�?  Yeah, that�s me.  Except, you know, a chick, and in LA, and straight.  Most of the time.  Shut up, Ryan.

            So I was �ber-excited when I first heard about Chaos Bleeds, the new �Buffy� game.  Especially the rumors that you could play as Joss (aka: GOD) and that there would be an evil vampire Tara.  (I know you remember the �oh please let them be gay� moments that we had back in season four, eh Greenepants?)

            Okay, um, let me preface this by saying that if you�re looking for some technical type crap about the PS2 versus the X-Box or something, you�re looking in the wrong place.  My standard reply when people start the tech-talk is �Dude, I�m a chick.�  Which is sexist, I know, but dammit, I�m a chick!  Get over it.  I will, however, claim �Buffy� prowess, if only on Ryan�s page.  And in the world of Spuffy fanfiction.  Oh god, I just shot up to geekiest person on the page, didn�t I?  Crap.

            Also, I�m only at the part where Spike is fighting Adam in the game, but I have seen the rest played, so don�t be all judgmental.  I have no skills.

            Blah.  Anyway, sit back, relax, and pull up some Double Dave�s pepperoni rolls (unless your name is Thomas) � here comes the Joss worship.

            So I�ve decided to do this in list form because it�s easier and I�m very, very lazy.

CHAOS BLEEDS

Top 11 Things that Suck

1)       WILLOW�S VOICE:   I know you�re with me on this one, Ryster.  The chick¹ who does Willow�s voice SUCKS.  Seriously.  I guess she was going for some sort of Willow-like inflection, but mostly she just sounds stoned.  Stop bogarting the stash², Willow.  Biatch.

2)       WEAPONS CONTROLS: I can�t exactly watch for Adam³ while running backwards if I�m looking for a medipack⁴ at the same time.  It�s good that you can just press L1 and suddenly be equipped with a stake, but in the old game⁵ you could pause and equip.  I need the pause, man.  Sometimes you just need to breathe and regroup.

3)       ANYA�S⁶ VOICE: Okay, now Giselle Loren, who does Buffy�s voice, is pretty damn good as Buffy.  She�s officially the VG Buffy, since she was Buffy in the old game as well, but when she branches out and does Anya�s voice, that�s when she starts to suck ass.  Granted, Anya would be a hard voice to do, but come on!  Anya is not that high pitched.  Lame.

4)       SHAKING WHEN YOU PUSH THE HARD ANGLES: Sometimes, right before I see INSIDE⁷ of a character�s head because I turned way to far to the right or left, the game starts to shake.  And slow down.  And just generally piss me off.  Okay, it�s not that often, but I know for a fact that I�m not the only person who was annoyed by this⁸.

5)       TWO PLAYER LACK OF CHARACTER DIFFERENCES: Okay, so you know when you�re playing the Dragonball Z game⁹ and�er, you don�t know that game, you say?  Well, stop judging and just listen.  When you play that game and you and your roommate are the same character, one of the characters will be in a different outfit to distinguish them from each other.  For instance, Fight Vegeta¹⁰ versus Street Clothes Vegeta¹¹.  Oh, shut up, it�s my roommate�s game.  Bite me.  But yeah, I�d have liked to see Regular Tara versus, say, slutty Xander�s dream in Restless (4-22) Tara.   Yeah.  Porn.

6)       MY CRAPPY DIRECTION CONTROL AND TURNAROUND RATE:   If I find myself yelling �turn the hell around, Spike!� one more time, I swear someone�s gonna pay.  Or I�ll just yell at the tv some more.  Probably the second one.  Stupid three kick move that I can�t turn around in the middle of.  Erg.

7)       TWO PLAYER CUBE THINGIES: Okay, while some of them, like �DEATH!�, are really funny, especially in crazy announcer voice, I don�t want a sudden character changeover.  I chose to be slutty, slutty Faith¹², and I don�t wanna suddenly be Willow.  Although her and Tara do that sweet fire move.  Anyway, sometimes this can be a good thing, though.  For instance, �ZERO POINTS!� followed directly by �POINT SWAP!�.  And �SUPER SPEED!� is pretty sweet too.  Eight kicks a second, baby!

8)       THE BRIGHTNESS LEVEL:   Okay, this one�s probably just my tv¹³.  Nevermind.

9)       THE WAY BUFFY SAYS �TARA�: Dammit, Giselle, it rhymes with �hair-a�, not �bar-a�.  Saying it that way just reminds me of tar.  And that�s gross.

10)   FAITH�S SHIRT:   Eliza�s breasts are not that low.  Wear a bra, VG Faith.  Seriously.

11)   FIGHTING AS XANDER: Get a superpower, Xander.  Like Ninja Pirate¹⁴.  Yeah, be a ninja pirate, and then I�ll play as you.

Runners-up: No Dark Buffy.

                   No cool opening credits.

CHAOS BLEEDS

Top Eleven Things that Rock

1)       TARA¹⁵: That�s it.  Just playing as Tara in a Video Game.  She�s hot, she does her own voice, and she shoots fire at her opponents.  Plus, at some point later in the game, she�s evil AU vamp Tara.  Which makes you want to find AU vamp Willow¹⁶ and just let �em go at it.  Or maybe that�s just me.  And Ryan.

2)       SPIKE�S SPINNY KICK: Though it�s mostly useless for me because I more often than not misuse it¹⁷ and start kicking at the air five feet behind the enemy, it still looks pretty cool.  And then James says something about his stake and thrusting and I totally lose track of the game for a moment.  Dirty.  What�s this rated again?

3)       SID: Okay, Sid was always one of my favorite characters, and The Puppet Show 1-9 was a badass episode, so when I could play as Sid in the game, I knew it would be a good time.  There�s this random vamp in the first game that I dubbed �Punchy� (as in, Get the hell away from me, Punchy!�) because his opening move was to run at you punching both fists 90 mph, and it seems I finally get my revenge, because Sid�s main move is a modified punchy.  In his punchy, he does a waist high hit (the cock-knocker¹⁸) because, he�s, well, Jonathan�s height¹⁹.

4)       JOSS AND CHRIS CHARACTER OPTIONS: You can play as the game�s creator or the show�s creator.  Which means you play as GOD.  Without a cheat.  Good times.

5)       SQUIRT GUNS: Okay, I liked them in The Lost Boys, I liked them in the first game, and I like them here.  There�s nothing better than frying a vamp at fifty feet with a squirt gun full of holy water.  Just makes you feel all manly, you know²⁰?  Or womanly, I guess.  Nevermind.

6)       THE LOCATIONS: Fighting at the Sun Cinema, fighting at Willie�s, fighting at the Initiative, meeting at the Magic Box, etc.  It�s all here.  And it all rocks.  Especially the theater.  My ideal video game would involve killing vampires and an abandoned movie theater.  I wonder if they�ve made that already?  Maybe I should ask James Marsters when I next run into him²¹.

7)       MENTION OF OZ: Okay, that�s two games without Oz and two mentions of him.  What Seth, you can do cartoons²², but you�re too good for a video game?  Ah, I�ll take Tara as a reasonable substitute any day.

8)       ETHAN RAYNE²³: I always did wonder what happened to him and his chaos worshipping Britishisms.  Perhaps he�ll show up on �Angel�.  Who knows.

9)       THE BIG BADS: They�re very well done.  Seeing Adam running around behind me still kind of freaks me out.  And Kakistos²⁴.  Taquitos!  He was always fun.

10)   THE MUSIC: Okay, less rock this time, more �Lord of the Rings�, but still quite fun and moody.  I actually leave the music turned on sometimes, which is rare.  Especially after all of those hours playing the Sims²⁵.  Stupid elevator music.

11)   THE INTERVIEWS AND COMIC BOOK: Unlock all of the Extra Features.  It�s totally worth it.  If only to see James drooling over video games and giggling about playing himself²⁶, Tony talking about fanfiction being �saucy�, or Nick and Amber at their grungiest, wearing a wifebeater and cutoffs, respectively.  And Amber has the double I-didn�t-shower-today whammy of ponytail AND hat.

Runner-Up: The spinny shovel move.  And the fightin� hammer.  Still rock.

CHAOS BLEEDS

Top five greatest quotes from the game:

1)       Player 1 is the chosen one!  (fifteen second pause) The chosen one must die²⁷!  Player two wins!

2)       Just what every girl needs: a long, hard shaft. �Buffy (talking about a spike?  Maybe a Spike?)

3)       I love the sound of bat hitting skull. It's the sound of victory! �Xander, way too happily

4)       He's dead, Jim. �Xander

5)       Hey! I could plant a tree! Or just use it to kill something. �Faith, about a shovel

And now,

�ANGEL�

Top Eleven Things I Feel Like Mentioning About the Upcoming Season of �ANGEL�

1)       Okay, yeah, Spike, but I hear that he�s gonna come back as a ghost.  A GHOST?!  The hell?!  Is he replacing the poor missing Phantom Dennis²⁸?  Joss has forsaken me.  Khan.

2)       There is a distinct possibility that this situation may occur: Spike, Angel, Buffy, and Harmony all in one room together.  Death match, soap opera, or extremely enjoyable 48 minutes?  You decide.

3)       You know what they need to do?  Bring on Giles and start a band.  Lorne can sing, Spike can play guitar, Gunn can, er, play drums or something, Giles can sing and play guitar periodically, oh, and Lindsay²⁹ could also come back and do backup vocals or something.  Yeah.  And Angel can be a groupie.  Now that show, I�d watch.  And move to HBO so that there could be butt shots.

4)       This is my lifeline now that �Buffy� is over.  I watch less and less tv now.  After seven years of �Buffy�, I was spoiled by knowing that there was always a good episode of SOMETHING coming on.  Now there�s �Angel�.  And maybe �Scrubs� or �Carniv�le� or �Dead Like Me� or �Queer Eye for the Straight Guy�.  But even those can�t fill the �Buffy� void.  Sigh.  I�m still going through withdrawal³⁰.

5)       Gunn is a black panther?! The hell?  Is this some kind of racial profiling?  I�m confused.  Gunn gets to merge with a panther, and all Xander got was an eye patch?  If I were Xander, I would become a Ninja Pirate and beat Gunn down.

6)       Lorne hitting on Spike³¹.  You know it�ll happen.  And you know I�ll enjoy it.

7)       There�s a new chick³².  To even the male/female ratio.  Which is good.  Plus, she�s not as freakishly skinny as Fred, or as freakishly tall as the whole cast.  Which is also good.

8)       Cordy�s gone.  Forever.  In a coma.  Gone the way of Connor.  It was the blonde hair that did it.  You go blonde, you hook up with Angel, you fall into a coma and disappear forever.  It seems like a natural progression to me.  I know I�d want to stay in that coma if all I had to come back to was Angel lips.  *shudder*.

9)       The first episode of this season is called �Conviction� and was written solely by Joss.  It�ll be good.  Joss writes the best³³.  Well, obviously.

10)   Harmony will be Angel�s new assistant.  I don�t know.  Maybe that�ll work.  Hmm.  Poor Cordy.

11)   It starts on October 1^st.  Two weeks, baby!  I�m so psyched.  I should have pizza rolls shipped in.  Hmm.  I�ll have to look into that.

Top Three Things You Should Know About Kordy and Drinking

1)       Tequila finally made me sick sometime after the last �Buffy� episode³⁰.  Now I drink beer.  Only beer.  I�m getting old.

2)       I can�t afford it.

3)       If I happen to be watching �Buffy� at the time, and it happens to be a cryptic episode³⁴, I often start overanalyzing and have to lay down for a while.

FOOTNOTES:

*)     Names have been changed to protect the less than guilty.

1)       Does anyone know her name?  I�ll have to watch the credits.  She�s not listed on IMDB.

2)       �You�re mom�s bogarting the cheesy chips.  What�s that about?� �Xander, Killed by Death 2-18

3)       Season 4 Big Bad.  His weakness was discovered in Superstar 4-17 by Super James Bondian Jonathan and then ripped out a l� the Matrix in Primeval 4-21 by Super Willow/Xander/Giles/Buffy Buffy.  Go Jonathan.  It�s your birthday.

4)       �First Aid is for wusses.  But, just in case�� �VG Faith

5)       Called, creatively enough, �Buffy the Vampire Slayer�.  Wow, that took a lot of effort, brainiacs.

6)       The only four things you need to know about Anya: She likes money, hates bunnies, is over 1,000 years old, and was a Vengeance Demon (then wasn�t, then was, then wasn�t, then died quite unceremoniously in Chosen 7-22.  Sigh.)

7)       There was this freaky moment where I saw behind someone�s eyeballs.  It scared the crap out of me.  More so than when Sid�s head turned all the way around, like it did on the actual episode.  I just wasn�t expecting it in the game.  Shut up.  �I saw a dummy and it gave me the wig.  There really wasn�t a story there.� �Buffy, The Puppet Show 1-9

8)       I actually got an e-mail about this.  I don�t know.

9)       Dragonball Z Budokai

10)    �I am the great Vegeta!� �Vegeta.  �I may die.� �Krillin.

11)    Again, I�m lazy and don�t feel like looking it up, but that one time Andrew compared himself to Vegeta sometime in season 7 was humorous yet disturbing.  Humorous because, well, it just was, and disturbing because I got it.  Grrr.  Arg.

12)    Faith in every �Buffy� episode she was on (seasons 3, 4, and 7), and a couple of �Angel� episodes to boot.

13)    Technically my roommate�s tv.  I take no responsibility for this whatsoever.

14)    Because of the eye-patch acquired through the disgusting eye injury obtained in Dirty Girls 7-18.  Which they kept showing in all the previouslys.  Kinda like Warren�s flaying (Villains 6-20).  Oh, and ninjas are just cool.

15)    Amber Benson- my other actress crush, slowly overtaking Angelina.

16)    I�m assuming Ryan�s favorite character.  First appeared in The Wish 3-9 (along with Anyanka � the Vengeance Demon form of Anya), and later reappeared in Dopplegangland 3-16.

17)    Because I suck.  Shut up.

18)    Look kids, it�s Mark Hamill!

19)    �Please, he�s like three feet tall!� �Buffy, Earshot 3-18, aired out of order because of Columbine.

20)    With the ax and Joyce and the Spike line.  You know.  School Hard 2-3

21)    Apparently he lives near us here in Santa Monica, because we repeatedly see him, or, in the case of my roommate, fall on our asses in front of him.  Heh.  Good times.

22)    �Batman Beyond� and �The Family Guy�, to name the two I�ve watched or desperately save up money to buy the dvds of.  Yea for Adult Swim!

23)    Giles�s old school bud, who was first seen in Halloween 2-6 (slutty Willow!) and last seen in A New Man 4-12 (Demon Giles!), and is played by Robin Sachs on the show and the game.  My favorite role of his was as General Sarris in Galaxy Quest.

24)    The reason Faith first showed up in Sunnydale in Faith, Hope and Trick 3-3.

25)    In the interview portion, Robin talks about how his wife is always playing the Sims and he just jumps in every once in a while with �make him pee� or �take her clothes off�.  Excellent.

26)    James is a brilliant actor.  James as Spike-cheesy but badass.  James as James-giggling fanboy.  Brilliant.  Don�t believe me?  Watch an episode of �Buffy� and then see him in an interview.

27)    Alternately, �Death to the Chosen One!�

28)    Left behind when Cordelia was moved to the hotel.  *sniff*  I miss Dennis.  Coincidentally, the only time you see him after Room w/o a View 1-5 is in the opening credits.  Which is why I yell �Dennis!� every time.

29)    If they eviled up his evil hand, I bet he could play some badass Zeppelin.

30)    The last time I drank heavily was May 20^th, during Chosen 7-22.  Then I had to watch it again the next day, because I didn�t remember anything that happened after about 20 minutes.  Which means I got to see it for the first time twice.  Maybe drinking is actually a good thing.  God, I need to get out more.  Stupid work at home job.

31)    A preview of which you can see in Chance.  The directorial debut of the lovely Amber Benson.  Andy�s character hits on James�s character.  Wonderful.  Especially James�s hysterical laughter and �Oh my god.  You�re gay.�

32)    Sarah Thompson, last seen by me on �Boston Public�, though she was also in Cruel Intentions 2.  Heh.  I like her.  Better than Kate, anyway.  They can�t all be Lilah.  And she�s sometimes blonde, so here�s guessing she hooks it up with Angel.  Although, Harmony is blonde and is taking over for Cordy.  And had that thing with Spike.  To quote Giles, oh dear lord.  You know, Angel gets way too many chicks considering he can never ever have sex with them if they�re not prophesied to carry his possibly evil spawn, aka Vincent Kartheiser of the perpetual girly hair.

33)    School Hard 2-3, Welcome to the Hellmouth 1-1 / The Harvest 1-2, Becoming parts 1 and 2 (2-21, 2-22), Dopplegangland 3-16, Graduation Day 1 and 2 (3-21, 3-22), Hush 4-10, Who Are You 4-16, Restless 4-22, The Body 5-16, Once More, with Feeling 6-7, The Gift 5-22, and Chosen 7-22, among others.  Plus, you know, he created the show.  Shout out to John Ritter in Ted 2-11, also  written by Joss.  *sniff*

34)   Little Miss Muffet, counting down from 7-3-0.  And oh, by the way, that clock�s completely wrong.  (The cheese over there does not wear me, dammit.)