Derranged

The Stargazer family.
They really, really scare me.
Don�t they scare you, too?
I mean, come on; let�s think about it.
They are scary.
No denying it.
None at all.
So come with me.
On a journey through your mind�
Don�t�close your eyes�
Cuz� then you won�t be able to read this, now will you, you baka?
Anyway.
Sit with me, child, and I�ll tell you a tale; one of upmost fear and just plain weirdness.
I mean, Stargazer-tachi make the Clinton administration look happy and normal.
Now that�s sad.
So come with me.
We�ll�sit down, and have some tea.
Would you like that?
I knew you would.
And I�ll tell you a tale of a Frickin� Frightenin� Family (The FFF society, for the care and health of FFFs everywhere!).
(FFF�kinda� reminds you of 666, don�t it?)
(Or maybe that�s just me.)
(Enough of the parenthesis.)
Umm�.yea�now for the tale.

Let us begin with the eldest member of the Stargazer clan; Albert Stargazer. This is an aging guy in his mid-70s who is set on taking over the entire galaxy. Yea, well, that�s just grand; he annoys the hell out of me. You wanna� know why? I know you don�t; just shut up and let me tell you, anyway. It�s because he�s like those 90-year olds that win the frickin� lottery. They�re going to croak in a coupla� years, anyway; so, damnit all, share the wealth! What the hell does an ancient crackhead retiree need a few million dollars for, anyway? Or the galaxy, for that matter? Give the money to charity, old peoples; at least they�ll be around for more than two years to use it. And, Stargazer, give the galaxy to O-sama. ^^ At least he�s got the looks to receive the honor of being the ruler of everything. I mean, come on; would you really want to see portraits and monuments everywhere you go of Stargazer�s fugly face, commemorating him as �ruler of the galaxy�? That would just be awful. What a fugly galaxy it would be, with those monuments everywhere. Now, if it were O�that�d be different. We could commission a shrine to be built to the allpowerfulrulerofthegalaxy, O-sama, in every single house and place of business across the galaxy, and everyone would be happy. People would live in satanic harmony, and everything would be beautiful. Damn that Albert. Damnhimdamnhimdamnhim! DAMN him! Someone bring me a frickin� kleenex over here. Geez. Oh, yeah. And he�s the only dildo who still uses the last name �Stargazer.� How much dorkier can a surname possibly get?! At least the others -- who, really, aren�t the brightest crayons in the bunch -- had enough wit to change their last names. Then again, names like �Nocturne� and �Blue-Liver� are pretty dorky, too, so they probably just changed it so no one would know they were related to some old dude who�s in the process of taking over the galaxy with a name like �Albert.� Because, really; �Hail King Albert!� sounds just about as dorky as �Stargazer.� Kinda� makes you twitch, doesn�t it? How silly�ugh. I need a Rolaid.

Moving on, there�s Alicia. She happens to be the second most annoying character in the show (topped only by Millie), and that�s pretty bad considering she�s technically not even in the show! Nah�I�m just exaggerating; Alicia, despite carrying the awful disease of being a Stargazer, really isn�t all that bad. At least she had the sense to change her last name; although, I can�t say I really agree with her choice of �Blue-Liver� as a suitable surname. It sort of makes me want to look into Alicia�s medical records O.o;. Anyway, I have to have a little respect for the girl; at least she and I share the similar interest in wanting to beat the crap out of Al. But, I can�t forgive her for her choice in men! We all know she wants O-sama; come on, the only reason they started fighting in the first place was over a simple disagreement of Alicia wanting to play with his hair! �Oh, wait, you mean you didn�t know that? Yeah, the whole Hikari vs. Yami thing all started with Alicia catching sight of those shiney, panteney locks of gold glinting off the sun � she just had to get her hands on it! �I FEEL A SONG COMING ON!

o/~ Those fingers in your hair
That sly, �come hither� stare
That look that lures them there
It�s witchcraft�
Those gorgeous, flowing strands of it!
I�ve got to get my hands on it!
It�s witchcraa~ft! o/~

That�s right, Alicia is really a singer for those cheesey Finesse commercials! �Gasp! If that�s a Finesse commercial, than that must mean O-sama really isn�t a Pantene Pro-V manly man?! Iie! This cannot be! Alicia is merely falsely advertising! Damn her! DAMN her!
�Wait, what was I talking about before that fine, Finessey moment? o.o; Gee, I forgot. Oh, well. I hate Alicia now. >/ RIH, you traitor!

Next up bes Kain, Alicia�s grandson. o.o; Umm�I actually sort of like Kain, but he is definitely part of this FFF, so I must look past my fondness and do what�s best for him, as a victim of FFF, and bish about him ^-^;. Unlike the rest of his fellowship, which are all blondes, Kain has brown/red hair O.o;. How odd. Now, don�t give me that blab about recessive genes and whatnot; Kain, simply, must dye his hair. I wonder if he�s a Finessey sort of guy? Definitely not Pantene Pro-V, right there, heeeeelllll no. Kain�s one of those fellows who�well, gently put, he has �issues.� That�s issues with a � �. So if you�re reading this out loud, you have to do the right thing, the Dr. Evil thing, and make the �quotation-fingers.� <-- Right there, too. Now, try it with me. ::Makes quotation fingers:: �Umm�O.o;;; �I think I got off track. Oh, yeah; Kain�s �issues.� He�s �insane in the membrane� (To quote the dub). A �few fries short of a happy-meal.� (Quotation excess much? Eventually the constant �quotation-fingers� bit will get you as looney as Kain. They are YOUR �ENEMIES.� FEAR THEM.) There must be something between him and O that we just don�t know about O.o;;;�because, really, how could someone possibly hate a glumphable teddy bear like O-sama? ^^;;; Maybe if Kain and O attend some of those group therapy classes, he�ll come around in a revelation of tears and huggling and admit that he just wants a CKO of his very own, to love and cuddle in his moments of lonliness, in a non-YAOI non-hentai Kodak-moment sort of way! And he wants to play with its hair. Aaaawww�;-;

Now�onto the scariest character in the entire cast of Lost Universe�Millenium Feria Nocturne, Albert�s grand-daughter. Gods�I have a lot of things to bish about when it comes to her. Humph! �Les�see�where to start�.hnn�let�s go with the obvious � her name! What the heck does she need three (not just two, folks, three) dorky names for?! It�s bad enough to have two dorky ones, like �Albert Stargazer� or �Alicia Blue-Liver��but three?! THREE!? It just makes me want to�cry! ::Cries:: �See? See!? It�s awful, horrific, blahblahblah. Besides, aren�t hookers like Millie supposed to have kinky names, like �Alotta Fagina?� What a crappy prostitute Millie makes! She doesn�t even have a good pimp like Zerosu � she just went with the cheapest pimp she could find�that narrator guy from the dubs O.o;. But the good news � she�s a 50-cent hookah so you don�t have to worry about wasting your money on her ^^. �Oh? What�s this? You didn�t know she was a hookah??? Well, I mean, you must be a baka, then, because it�s pretty obvious. That narrator dude in the dub even announces it loud and clear: �Millie goes shopping for friends in the street!� See? Hookah. What�s worse, is that Millie isn�t a very loyal hookah, since, well, she wants Kain. O.o; Which, is sort of understandable if you have a thing for guys with �issues��but he�s her cousin! AAAACK ><;;;! I think Rezo had something to do with the making of Lost Universe O.o;�why else would there be this incest thing going on? And KOPII-ing�y�know, with O-sama being a KOPII of our pal Al. The only Rezo-ish thing it�s missing is bad disco! �But back to Millie u.u;. Her pantelones�they BUG me! They�re�alive, I swear it! I am just plain afraid of a girl who wears living pants ><;�because�pants�.are meant to be inanimate objects. For pants are peaceful, just as pants should be O.o;;;. �What�s this? You don�t think they�re alive? Oh, trust me, they are. They are. And if you deny it, then they�ll eat you next. So you just watch yourself, my friend. Oh, yes; and another thing�her goddamn obsession with food! Grr! >< All she does after the series turns serious is cook and eat! She cooked, she cooked, and she ate it! ><;;; WELL WHY THE HELL DIDN�T SHE JUST EAT SO MUCH THAT SHE EXPLODED AND THEY HAD TO CALL IN A STUNT-DOUBLE OR ELSE CANCEL THE SERIES�!? !? !?�That would be interesting O.o;;;�a Millie-stunt-double. A stunt double. Then the next thing we knew, �Millie� would stop with the damn food and start backflipping around, and act all Matrixy o.o;;;. And to be true to The Matrix, we could toss her off a high building and see if she bounces back up ^^. And if she doesn�t�oh well�we could just fetch Rezo from backstage and have him KOPII her. Or, then again, maybe not x.x;.

I think I�ve determined that the Stargazer family is sort of like�the Adams family O.o;. We have �Alicia,� which is rather like �Morticia��and we have Millie�who�s a perfect equivilent of IT x.x;. And the only other member of the Adams family who I can remember is Wednesday, so we�ll make Kain be Wednesday ^^;. Albert can be the aging butler, Al ^-^. Yay! Now Lost Universe can be shown on American TV�as the futurical (is that a word?) version of �The Adams Family.�

Now, I�m sure you�ve all noticed something rather�odd; I mean, besides the people that I�ve described x.x;. There�s a generation-gap in there�we�re missing the parents of Millie and Kain! Gasp! That means that we have at least two sets of runaways from the Stargazer family! They must have attempted to run away and have no one ever, ever, find out about them! Well, they can�t hide from me, the BEST detective in the Universe!! �x.x; �Sorry, I don�t know how that slipped (EHEM). Anyways, so I went and did some investigation on people who are just as fuckin� frightenin� as this FFF�and I�ve narrowed the four missing Stargazers down to these suspects:

* Rezo (Bet you saw that one coming from a mile away x.x;;;;)
* Rosie O�Donnell
* Darth Vader and/or Luc Skywalker
* The purple teletubby
* Miaka (::SHUDDER::)
* Tiger�s Eye
* Nakago (doesn�t he just resemble O-sama so much? O.o;)
* Martha Stewart
* The 1989 Denver Broncos
* Linda Trip
* The Olsen twins
* You
* Yes, you
* Couldn�t be!
* Then who?
* Sally Struthers

Umm�o.o;;; Well, so I�m not completely certain, but I�m close, nee?
I�m done now.
Really.
No more bishin�.
I am totally, totally finished.
Wait�
No, I�m not.

I left out someone very, very, very important. I left out O-sama. *-* �There�s nothing I have to bish about when it comes to Yummy o Makumono. He is so�goddamn�gorgeous�perfect�beautiful�and EEEVVIIILLL!!! �Of course, seeing as I�ve already written a 7-page long poem about him, and a list of 101 reasons to worship him�.I guess�my luv for the pritty Dark Lord goes without saying, nee? ^_~ Let�s just say�I did it all for the nookie!!!

Now, I�m uh�done. o.o;;; Bai-bai.