Disclaimer: Not mine.

Warnings: Yaoi, humour, slight Cloud (plus his flunkies) - bashing, picking on poor Rufus (I love him really. ^_^) and... other stuff.

Author: K.S.

A/N: First FF7 fic, so go easy on me. Aaaand I hate Tifa. For no good reason, dammit! I like to have at least one character that I hate just for the hell of it. Anyway, I'll try to be nice to her, but I have *no* willpower. And I'm making Cloud slighty stupid, because it makes me happy. Mwahah. ::Power tripping::

Twelve Hours in Rufus Hell.

"But it could be a trap, Cloud! Don't go in there!" 
Rufus ShinRa looked up from the report on his desk and stared up at the door to his plush office with jaded eyes. Today was a Monday, Reno's designated 'I don't want to be here so everyone else has to suffer' day. There were voices outside the door. He knew them well enough to know that they were all fully armed and had probably just fought their way up seventy floors of his guards instead of taking the elevator like less insane individuals might. The door burst open.
"We're here, ShinRa!" Cloud Strife strode in, brandishing his ridiculously oversized sword. He pointed it at the long-suffering president. Behind him stood Tifa, who was posing threateningly; Yuffie, who was looking around for anything worth stealing; Red XIII, who looked half asleep; Cait Sith, who was bouncing; and Vincent and Cid, who were talking quietly in a corner. The blonde pilot was holding the former Turk's metal claw-hand and poking at it, muttering something about tune-ups interspersed with random curses. Vincent wasn't really saying much, he was mostly just staring down at where Cid's hands held his with a light pink blush on his pale cheeks. 
Outside the office door Barret was lurking, glaring at anyone who passed and polishing his gun arm.
"Yes. Yes you are." Rufus replied to Cloud's announcement of their arrival, not even getting up. "Why?" It was more of a statement than a question as he stared flatly at Cloud.
"You called us here! You said you had another Really Big Gun and you were going to give it to Scarlet and Heiddegger and let them blow up the planet with it, and-and...stuff." Cloud waved his free hand to emphasize his point. 
"Stuff." Rufus murmured, feeling his Monday migrane looming on the horizon.
"Bad stuff." Cloud nodded enthusiastically.
"Do you see a giant gun?" Rufus raised an eyebrow elegantly. "The last one was fairly obvious, sticking out of the front of the building and all."
Cloud looked around.
"Well... no, but you could be hiding it! We know how sneaky and underhanded you ShinRa are!" 
"As a matter of fact, you're exactly right. The new gun is twice the size of the old one and I'm hiding it right here in my desk drawer." Rufus gestured to the small drawer, which up until recently had held a box of paperclips and a bottle of bourbon, but was now minus the alcohol thanks to Reno, who had some sort of radar for these things.
"Aha! So you admit it!" Cloud hefted his sword once again as Rufus let his head fall into his hands.
"Every Monday..." He whimpered.



Elsewhere, in the Turks' break room, Rude was playing darts, Elena was making coffee and Reno was sprawled over the battered couch in a mass of hung-over sexiness that he felt was being wasted on the present company.
"Don't you think it's a bit cruel to trick Cloud and Avalanche into coming here and trying to kill the president every week?" Elena asked, handing Reno his coffee which he proceeded to lace with a liberal amount of stolen bourbon.
"What I'm going to do next will be crueler." The spiky haired Turk said sleepily as he fished in his pocket for his cigarettes.
"Oh no, what are you going to do? Won't you get in trouble?" Elena looked worried as Reno lit one of his precious cigarettes and held it directly under the smoke alarm.
"You'd think so, wouldn't you?" He smirked lazily, taking a sip of his spiked coffee as the alarms began to wail all over the building.



The ShinRa building, being very hi-tech and modern, had many useful security systems. For instance, when a fire was detected each floor of the seventy-storey building would be automatically sealed off to prevent the blaze from spreading. The lockdown would remain for twelve hours, or until the president used his special key. Unless he happened to have LOST said key, in which case he would have to spend the next half a day trapped on the top floor of his own building with Avalanche, the Turks, a mad doctor and his collection of Sephiroth clones.
Up in his office, as Cloud and his flunkies looked around in bewilderment at the metal shutters slamming down on all the windows, Rufus ShinRa went very pale.

TBC

I'm so mean to poor Rufus. Don't worry, good things'll happen to him eventually. Probably.