Garfacky and the three bears. [Or not.]
By Koneko Shido.
Characters.
Goldilocks: Garfacky
Mommy bear: Rune
Daddy bear: Thatz
Baby bear: Rath
Narrator: Me! [Koneko, for those who don't know by now...]
Plus two annoying fairies
Koneko: Hello, and welcome to Garfacky and the three bears, a nice bedtime story/show for all the kind people who reviewed for me! Now, our happy little smut-free story begins in the home of the three bears, who live deep in the middle of some woods somewhere not important.
Calcifer: [Popping up from Koneko's shoulder] Smut-free? Yeah, right, and I'm the queen of the fairies. Or is that Rune? [Snicker]
Rune: [From off-screen] Hey! I heard that!
Rath and Thatz: [Snicker]
Koneko: [Clears throat] Ahem. Right, anyway, as I was saying, our story begins in the nice little smut-free house in the woods.
[Scene changes to show a cute little cottage in the middle of a forest. Scene changes again to show the inside of the cottage, where Thatz and Rath are making out on the kitchen table, while Rune is at the stove, cooking porridge as though nothing unusual is happening.]
Koneko: [Voiceover] Oi! I said SMUT-FREE!
Calcifer: Y'know, the fans like smut.
Koneko: Shut up! This is my fic! I'm in charge here, you're just my annoying muse, you have to obey me without question!
Calcifer: Isn't it the other way around?
Koneko: Grrr.... [Stomps off in a sulk, leaving Calcifer to direct and narrate the rest of the show on his own until she stops sulking.]
Calcifer: [sweatdrop] Ehh, back to the fic.
[Rune finishes making the porridge while Thatz is slowly unbuttoning Rath's shirt, grinning like a hentai version of the Cheshire cat. Rune sighs and pours the porridge into three bowls, then walks over to the table and calmly shoves Thatz and Rath off onto the floor, placing the three bowls down neatly on placemats.]
Thatz and Rath: [pout] Oww...
[Rune ignores them, walks over to the closet, takes out a broom, walks back, then thwacks both knights over the head with it. Then he calmly puts the broom back in the cupboard and sits down at the table.]
Rune: Use the bed this time; I'm not fixing the table again.
Thatz: [Pulling Rath up and sitting at his place, Rath on his lap, smiling cutely.] Hey, you were involved too, or did you forget?
Rune: [Blushing furiously] Well it was your fault, you said the table would hold us all!
Thatz: [feeding Rath a spoonful of porridge] Well I thought it would hold us! You must've put on weight or something!
[Rune is about to kill Thatz with the meat tenderiser that he has stashed under the table, when suddenly Rath makes a face and spits out the spoonful of porridge Thatz just fed him. All over Rune, who just sits there, not looking impressed as porridge drips from his hair.]
Rath: [Blinking cutely] Too hot, Rune-chi.
Thatz: [Grinning evilly] That new look suits you, Rune! You look like a swamp monster or a demon or something- [Clamps a hand over his mouth as he realizes what he just said. The sound of a sword being drawn is heard.]
Rath: [Cackling, holding his sword up] Demon? Demon, demon, demon! Kill! Kill the de- [He is cut off when both Rune and Thatz dive on him, taking his sword away and pinning him to the floor under the table.]
Thatz: No demon, Rath-chan, just Rune with slime all over him, right? You don't want to chop Rune into bits, do you?
Rath: [Thinks for a moment] Um, no?
Thatz: Good, 'cause he's the only one of us that can cook. Speaking of cooking, what do we do until the porridge cools down?
Rune: [Looking relieved and annoyed at the same time] Something non-fatal, please.
Rath: [Thinking hard] Nope, I give up. I can't think of anything fun to do that isn't fatal to someone.
Thatz: [Hentai grin] I can. C'mere Rathy.
Rath: [Leans over to hear what Thatz whispers in his ear then grins and nods, looking up at Rune with the same fangy hentai grin, only cuter.]
Rune: [Looks worried and tries to get up, only to be flipped over onto the floor on his back by Thatz and Rath, who kneel over him, cackling wickedly.] Eeep! Wh-what are you-mmph!
[Rune is cut off by Rath kissing him, while Thatz begins stripping the elf's clothes off. At this point, the scene changes annoyingly to outside the house, where a certain little human is walking along, scowling, holding a cage with a couple of fairies in.]
Garfacky: Heeeere, fairies! Oi, I don't have all day, you know. Kharl is waiting for me. [He looks around, annoyed, trying to find more fairies for Kharl's fairy soup. Suddenly he stops, sniffing the air, and his stomach growls.] Porridge?
[Garfacky follows the smell to the house and tries the door, finding it open.]
Fairy #1: Hey, you can't just walk into someone's house while they're out, you know!
Garfacky: Why not?
Fairy #2: It's rude! And it's illegal!
Garfacky: Shut up, I'm a bad guy, remember? I work for Kharl. Now be quiet or I'll pull your wings off and hang you upside-down.
[The annoying fairies shut up, sitting down on the floor of the cage and sulking. Garfacky enters the house, looking around for anyone who might jump out and attack him. Finding nobody home, he sneaks through to the kitchen and spots the three bowls of porridge on the big, wooden table. Unknown to Garfacky, Rath, Rune and Thatz are under the table, completely oblivious, having a nice, non-fairytale-friendly threesome.]
Garfacky: [Looking around at a strange noise that sounds suspiciously like 'Ahh! Yes!'] Huh? Hey, food!
[He walks over to the table, thankfully not looking under the tablecloth, and ignores the three chairs, hopping up on top of the table and sitting cross-legged in the middle of it, grabbing the first bowl of porridge and a spoon. This bowl says 'Thatz' on the side and has little pictures of gold coins all over it.]
Garfacky: [Eating a spoonful of the porridge] Eww! Too sweet! [He spits it out and throws the bowl over his shoulder, where it smashes on the floor, then picks up the second bowl. This one is middle-sized and has 'Rune' written on it, along with lots of pictures of flowers. Garfacky tries a little of the porridge from this bowl and spits it out straight away, throwing the bowl to the floor with a scowl.] Too cold.
[Finally, Garfacky picks up the smallest bowl, which is black with little pairs of scary-looking eyes drawn on it in what looks like crayon. Cautiously, Garfacky tries a spoonful and grins.] Nice. [He then proceeds to snarf down the whole bowl full and put the bowl back down on the table, yawning.]
Garfacky: [Yawning again] Man, I'm suddenly really tired for no reason. I'd better find somewhere to sleep. [He hops off the table, which begins to shake. Luckily, Garfacky doesn't notice, and he trots off up the stairs, looking around at more strange noises.
Rath, Rune and Thatz: [From under the table] Ahhh! Ohhh! Yes! More! Harder! Faster! Nnhhh!!
[After a while the shaking of the table stops and there's a few moments of scuffling for clothes, before the three tired, ruffled 'bears' crawl out from under the tablecloth and stand up, Thatz and Rath supporting Rune, who is swaying slightly, looking dazed. Thatz notices the smashed bowls and gulps, thinking that it was caused by the table shaking. He quickly steers Rune and Rath towards the stairs.]
Thatz: [Faking a yawn] Man, I'm tired, how about you guys? We should go to bed.
Rath: But-
Thatz: [Giving Rath an urgent look, knowing that the smashed bowls will be blamed on him, just like the table breaking was.] Ehh, the porridge will be cold by now anyway, and Rune looks like he needs a rest. [Thatz grins proudly.]
Rune: [still a little dazed] Wha? Bed?
Thatz: [Patting Rune on the head and earning himself a scowl as they reach their room.] Yup. Look, see? That's a bed. [He points at their bed, which is a big, soft, king-sized four-poster. If you happened to look under the bed, you'd see that it's also steel reinforced because it keeps breaking due to 'overuse'.]
Rune: I know what a bed is, thank you. Well, I suppose I can always make more porridge later. [He lets Thatz and Rath lead him over to the bed and all three strip, then Thatz draws back the covers...]
Garfacky: [Who had been dozing beneath the covers] IIIYYYYAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!! [He screams at seeing the three naked 'bears' and leaps out of the bed, running out of the door as fast as he possibly can, grabbing his cage of fairies on the way out.]
Thatz: [Blinking] Well, that was strange.
Rath: [nodding and climbing into the bed] What was he so scared of? [Cocks his head to the side cutely]
Thatz: [Grinning] Probably seeing Rune naked. [He drags the scowling elf into the bed and draws the covers up around them.]
Rune: Shouldn't we be a little more worried that there was a strange boy in our bed?
Thatz: Nope. He was probably just tired.
Rune: [Sighing] As usual, you've completely managed to miss the point...
[Thatz ignores him and smirks, then dives under the covers and starts tickling Rath, who giggles and squirms about, making Rune smile.]
Rath: Thaaaaatz! Stop it! Ahahahahaha!!!! [He giggles, clinging to Rune, who rolls his eyes and then yelps as Thatz pinches him.]
Rune: Hey, not me! Thatz! Thatz, don't- Thaaaatz! [Rune squeaks as the camera draws back out into the woods, catching a glimpse of Garfacky running away, terrified and whimpering.]
Calcifer: [Walking on screen] And that concludes our bedtime story, Garfacky and the three bears, although it had no bears in at all, made very little sense, and was mostly just an excuse for some smut.
Koneko: [Walking on screen behind Calcifer] Well, I liked it. I guess smut isn't so bad really. Anyway, this was just a little break for me while I finish 'Documentary of Disasters.' This is dedicated to all the people who bothered to review my other fics, and Anime Girl, if you're reading this, I'd love to be an evil Otaku that captures bishies! Thanks for reviewing my stories! And if you really know what Rath is *exactly* then tell me! I need to know! [Big, puppy-dog eyes of pleading-ness.]
Calcifer: Yah. Whatever. So, that's it. [Walks off]
Koneko: [Waves cheerfully at the camera] Yup! Night! Oh, and the next part of 'Documentary of Disasters' is coming soon, I'm halfway through at the moment. Bye! [Wanders off after Calcifer. The screen slowly goes blank, the sounds of Rath and Rune giggling madly and Thatz cackling evilly fading away in the background.]
The End
Yay.