Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

By Tawnya Kisaragi

 

~ Yesterday ~

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I remember feeling low

And I remember losing hope

And I remember all the feelings

And the day they stopped.

~Our Lady Peace, Innocent

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All Yami could do was stare.  He stared as Ryou ran to call an ambulance, stared as the paramedics loaded his sweet unconscious hikari onto a stretcher, stared as Jounouchi pushed him into the vehicle for the ride to the hospital.  He just stared, disbelief and shock clearly etched into his features, his mind refusing to accept what had just happened.

 

Yugi had been attacked… and he hadn’t been able to do anything.

 

A kind nurse took over when they finally arrived in the emergency ward, pulling the shadow spirit into the waiting room and settling him down in one of the chairs.  He didn’t notice. He was numb all over; it was like he caught in some sort of suspended animation.  Time was moving so slowly.  When the others arrived, the nurse left him to their care.  Not that they knew how to console the darker half of their best friend, but Anzu decided to give it her best shot.

 

It didn’t work, to say the least.

 

At length, they were ushered into the room that Yugi now occupied.  The sight that greeted them was so wrong that Jou had to excuse himself and make a mad dash to the nearest restroom before losing his lunch.  Silent tears tracked down Anzu’s face while Ryou made a small gasp of surprise, turning away to bury his face in his own yami’s shoulder.  Bakura simply arched an eyebrow.  Honda slammed his fist into the wall, then walked out to check on his other friend.

 

The ancient duelist wished he could do something akin to what the others were, to grieve somehow.  But he couldn’t. He wanted to reach out and touch Yugi, but was afraid that the boy might shatter at the slightest contact.  He wanted to say something, but didn’t trust his voice.  He wanted to do something, anything…but all he could was continue staring.  He felt cold inside, the numbing cold that comes with great pain.  Everything in his vision was darkening; he felt light headed and sick.  He couldn’t breathe, his heart refused to beat, he had already gone deaf and was nearly blind now.  So he was surprised he recognized Bakura’s comment at all…

 

“So the mighty Pharaoh finally fucked up, huh?”

 

Ryou automatically smacked the tomb robber upside the head, hissing at him to be quiet.  Anzu started in on one of her friendship rants.  Jounouchi and Honda, who had returned in time to catch the careless remark, began with their own threats, which didn’t stop short with the promised destruction of the Ring.

 

Suddenly, something clicked.  Time sped back up and his heart started racing.  His breath was still caught in his throat and he was deaf and blind once again, but that didn’t matter.  Nothing mattered.  Yami fell to his knees hard, pulling everyone from their Bakura-bashing, including Bakura.  He wasn’t willing to admit it, but the other spirit was right.  He had, as it had been so tactfully put, fucked up.  He had failed.  Failed to protect his light as he had sworn the day the Puzzle was solved.  Failed to be there always like he had promised a severely frightened Yugi after a nightmare.  With all of his power, his presence, his skill and his mastery, Yami had still failed in the worst way.  He had let the one person he cared for most down.

 

On it’s own accord, his body tensed to snapping point.  His hands balled up into white knuckled fists, a slight tremor coursing through his person as his muscles began to protest their agony.  He closed his eyes to try and shut out the truth, only to find the sequence of events replaying themselves in the gloom, much to the amusement of his inner demons. 

 

A trip, a hard fall, an evilly delighted cackle.  Disbelief, pain, sorrow, more pain, shame, and darkness.

 

Through Yami’s own ineptitude, Yugi had been severely beaten and then raped, his innocence shattered at a sweet sixteen.  It was their day off, and the group was playing a game in the park.  Always up for a challenge, Yami had agreed to the terms of Hide-and-Seek.  He was told under threat of violence by his hikari not to use their link to find him.  He had sniffed at the accusation that he would cheat (he was, after all, the King of Games), but secretly cursed his luck that Yugi had remembered such a minor detail.

 

The young duelist had certainly proved to be a worthy adversary.  The shadow had found everyone else in a matter of moments after being allowed to finally start looking.  But Yugi had managed to disappear almost completely.  Without the use of their link, he didn’t have the first clue as to where to start looking.  Time passed and still nothing.  He began to worry has emotions began to filter through to him, all of them hazy and distant.  When the connection was abruptly cut, he called the game and they all spread out, searching for their missing member.  As fate would have it, Yami found Yugi under a bush on the other side of the park, bleeding and broken.  Everything stopped at that moment for the shadow.  If Ryou hadn’t been with him, they might still be there in the park.

 

The others were still trying to gain his attention when Yami abruptly stood.  He had to get out of the room, out of the hospital.  His soul room was no longer an option; he needed to get away from Yugi himself.  Without a word, he walked away, heart breaking with every step.  He vaguely heard someone try to follow him and hurried his steps.  By the time the voice called out, he was running as though the soul devourer Amut himself was nipping at his heels.   It didn’t matter where he went, or the looks he received as he raced by, all he could do now was run.  Run and never look back. 

 

Exhaustion made him collapse on the other side of the city, breathless and humiliated.  Tears of anger and pain flooded down his cheeks, making him even more disgusted with himself.  He had not cried since the death of his parents so many years ago.  A Pharaoh did not cry.  A Pharaoh was strong and proud, as beautiful and as treacherous as the desert he commanded.  He as a god among men, the favored of Amun-Ra, and gods were never weak.  A Pharaoh did not leave his people to suffer needlessly at the hands of others, nor did he make excuses for his behaviour.  So far, he had managed to miserably fail each and every task appointed to him.

 

Eventually the tears stopped.  He continued to lie on the ground as night fell, finding little comfort in the cool grass beneath him and the sun dipping into the ocean.  He felt so childish, so ashamed of his breakdown.  Bakura would be having a hay-day with this now, knowing his pride had been wrecked.  But it wasn’t just his pride that had been damaged this day.  He was worthless now.  If he couldn’t protect Yugi, his hikari, his better and brighter half, what was left? 

 

Yami shivered at the thought of being locked away into the darkness again as the price of his transgression.  It had nearly driven him insane the first time, stripping him of his memories, his very identity and a good portion of his power.  To be thrown back now might destroy him.  It had all been so much easier to deny the existence of the light when he had forgotten what it’s warming touch felt like… 

 

Ryou found him shortly after sundown, blank eyed and numb again.  Somehow he managed to convince Yami to come back with him, that Yugi had awakened and was asking for his presence.  The shadow spirit merely nodded and followed, carefully reconstructing a mask he never thought he’d have to use again.  It was the mask that had been designed to deal with the majority of life as Pharaoh, one that spoke of strength and support while being impassive overall.  Even if he was devastated within, his aibou needed strength and comfort.  And that was exactly what he was going to be given.

 

Distressed violet eyes lifted as they once again entered the room.  Instantly tears sprang to them and Yugi all but flung himself into Yami’s arms.  Confusion, fear, lost hope…  Reconnecting to the young boy was like hitting a brick wall, the emotions so strong and upended it nearly ripped away the mask. But he only faltered for a moment before grabbing and stamping down his own.  He did his best to console the child, whispering his own apologies and other soothing bits of nonsense in the soft tones of his native language.  Sugoroku appeared, instantly wrapping his grandson and his protector in a hug of his own, which produced more tears from Yugi and another slip of the facade from Yami.  Soon the entire group was around them, grieving and giving their support.  Even Bakura, in his own standoffish way, offered condolences and actually apologized for his earlier remark.

 

All too soon, Yugi was back asleep.  Phone calls were made and beds were set up, pillows and blankets passed around in silence.  No one left the room again that night despite the protests of the nurses about being in the way.  Jounouchi and Honda were passed out on the floor, the later snoring softly with the former curled up like the puppy Seto was always referring to him as.  Sugoroku had taken one of the beds and Anzu had been given the other.  Ryou had snuggled into the chair with Bakura perched on the back like a great vulture, head resting against the wall.  Yami had carefully taken his place next to Yugi on the bed.  The smaller of the two pressed himself tight against the shadow, who continued his litany of Egyptian murmurs throughout the night.  It seemed to comfort the young duelist, only twice did he wake with fear as the attack came back to haunt him in his dreams.

 

It took weeks of late nights at the hospital and early morning runs to the school before everything slowly shifted back to a more normal speed and mundane atmosphere.  Yugi was released with a clean bill of health, though it was obvious to the most casual observer that he was far from fine.  No one left him alone if it could be helped.  The young boy tried valiantly to assure the others that he would be okay, but they were far from convinced.  Yami found it increasingly difficult to deal with his emotions, slipping away more and more often to cry and berate himself.  So when it was suggested that Yugi take a trip away to sort through his own feelings and troubles, to heal, he readily agreed after Yami was convinced that he too would be attending.  Arrangements were made, they were packed and gone nearly the same day.  The shadow spirit silently hoped his mask could withstand being with his counterpart for a whole week alone.