Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

By Tawnya Kisaragi

 

~ Tomorrow ~

 

It was still several hours before sunrise when Yami woke from his dreamless sleep.  For the millionth time, he felt an ache well up within his chest as he looked to where Yugi was cradled against him.  The pain increased sharply when a content murmur made its way past velvet lips.  Uncertainty, fear, but surprisingly no regret came to mind as the pharaoh spirit once again recalled the previous night’s activities.

 

Was it really so hard to understand?  Yugi loved him, the boy had said as much.  Unconsciously, Yami rolled on his side and pulled his hikari flush against his chest.  This felt right, holding the little light to him.  It made him feel whole, warm, needed…loved.  Things that he thought he knew until last night.  He had had lovers in Egypt.  It was expected that as soon as he come of age he would sire a child to take over after his own journey to the underworld.  It had never happened due to the Shadow Games, but he had still learned of the pleasures of the body and the night.  Nothing in his past, however, compared to what he had shared his other half.  And maybe that was the key right there, the fact that Yugi was his other half.

 

So if this logic was true, then what he had been fighting with before the kiss was his thought of rejection.  Somehow, that in and of it self seemed strange and slightly disconcerting.  Then it really struck him.  Yugi was afraid of dismissal because of the rape. 

 

“Oh, hikari…” Yami breathed into his other’s hair, drawing him tight again, tears stinging his eyes.  “Oh, hikari, I’m the one who failed and you’re blaming yourself…”

 

The cabin air was abruptly stifling.  Careful not to disturb the smaller form, Yami pulled free from the knot they had curled into and dressed, walking out of the room and out of the building.  The crisp air did wonders to help clear his thoughts and relax his jittery body.  He was so confused.  His mind and his heart were fighting each other, each claiming to be right, each claiming the other was wrong.  It was staggering under the weight.

 

Crimson eyes drifted to the still surface of the hot spring, and then to the horizon where the sun was just starting to make it’s grand appearance.  A thought occurred to him, one that had not crossed his mind in generations.  Pushing aside his inner struggle, Yami once again stripped, tossing the clothing carelessly aside.  With a deep, soothing breath, dove head first into the calm water.

 

Yugi woke at the splash, immediately noticing how cold it was by himself in the bed.  Drowsy concern filtered through their mental link, as did the question of where is darker half was.  Receiving no reply, Yugi picked himself out of the tangled sheets and into some clothes.  He repeated his query, apprehension growing with each silence that greeted him.  The shadow was nowhere to be found in the cabin, so his search went out.  The boy puzzled over the shed garments lying at his feet, eyes darting around.  There was nothing around that caught him as off.  The serene pool reflected the slowly emerging sunlight as the fiery orb finally cleared the mountaintops.

 

Without warning or pause, the shadow spirit broke through the surface with a gasp.  A graceful backward flick of his head sent water droplets flitting through the air.  It was like a thousand rainbows suddenly surrounded him as they caught the first sacred rays.  Yami kept his head tilted towards the warming radiance, arms spread open comfortably at his sides.  The water lapped gently at his waist, thin trails of steam alternately concealing and exposing the delicately tanned skin of the Pharaoh’s defined back.  The very illumination of the sun seemed to wrap around him like the arms of a mother to her child.

 

Now I know why they call the Pharaoh the child of the Sun, Yugi thought, gradually sitting.  Kami, he’s beautiful…

 

Yami, however, didn’t notice the presence of his counterpart.  He was too engrossed in his ritual.  He had done this once in the Nile prior to being crowned Pharaoh.  It was to purify himself for his new position as the Son of Ra.  As the temperate moisture trickled from his body and the light tumbled onto his skin, he felt the same release he had that day so long ago.  He felt all his worries, all his fears, and all of his concerns melt away. 

 

For a moment, he was half a world away.  He wasn’t in a hot spring somewhere in the mountains of Japan; he was home, standing on the east bank of the life-giving river.  He was being born again, not as a human, not as a shadow, but as one blessed by the gods.  In his mind’s eye, he could picture the Council of Ra gathered in front of him.  Maat stood to his right, a gentle smile splaying across her fine features.  Beside her stood the lioness-headed goddess Sekhmet, seemingly in one of her happier moods.  Bastet also smiled from her position close to her cat-sister.  Next came Horus, who acknowledged his presence with a nod, then Osiris.  On his left stood Anubis, the jackal god half concealed in shadows. Then Isis, bright against the lord of the dead she stood next to.  Thoth, Hathor, and Set brought close the semi-circle.  Behind him he could feel the wings of Nekhbet and Wadjet brush his shoulders, signifying their acceptance of the new ruler.  And directly in front of him sat Amun-Ra, the sun god himself.  Half murmuring aloud, half repeating in his mind, Yami began his prayer.

 

“Lord of the skies, lord of light, god of the everlasting sun and protector of this golden land, I humbly beseech your wisdom.  I free my soul from the burdens of mortal life and have come to take my place at your feet, to spread your will to those below, to bring peace and prosperity to our people.  Grant me your favour in these troubled times so that I may lead to a better future.”  An unperceivable nod.  “Father, I am not worthy.  I have betrayed the one I care for most.  I have not been able to fulfill my position as guardian as has been dictated to me by this very council.” 

 

A glance was shared by everyone attending.  He stood under the careful scrutiny of the assembly, waiting for he knew not what.  Under the weight of silence, Yami felt a pressure growing, threatening to overcome him.  Finally, with the release of a single tear, the confession of everything came tumbling out. 

 

Fear. 

 

Uncertainty. 

 

Helplessness. 

 

Hopelessness. 

 

Pain. 

 

Depression. 

 

Rejection. 

 

Hate.

 

Pride.  

 

…Love…

 

Another glance was shared, this time along with a knowing smile.  Slowly the image faded away, causing him to jump and try to run after it…

 

Cool arms snaked around his waist, bringing him back to reality.  Blinking, Yami took in his surroundings.  The sun had fully risen, turning the sky into a deep azure.    He became aware once more of the warm water he stood in, the mountains, the trees and the fresh breeze that tip-toed its way through everything.  The cool embrace shifted slightly and something nuzzled his back.

 

Yugi…

 

Brilliant amethyst eyes shone with worry as he turned.  An unsure smile glowed up at him.  Speaking not a word, both boys exited the spring.  Yugi went in to change out of his now sopping attire while Yami toweled off and redressed for the second time that morning.  The young duelist returned to find the spirit sitting near the water’s edge, apparently lost in thought again.  His arms twined around his darker half as he rested his head on the Pharaoh’s shoulder.  Without meaning to, he had heard Yami’s confession to the morning.  Now he didn’t know what to do.

 

“Yami…” he began.  He had to at least try and ease the guilt the shadow bore.  “Yami, what is it?”  Silence was his only reply.  His grip grew tighter.  “Is it last night?  Was it because I…?”  His sentence broke off as a lump lodged into his throat.  Tears pricked at his eyes.  Yami still didn’t answer.  “I’ll go…”

 

This brought a reaction.  The Pharaoh spirit gripped the arms around his waist, but still said nothing.  He seemed to be fighting with himself.  Yugi could only stare, torn between running away and staying.  Softly, almost too soft to hear, a light, harmonious voice started to sing.  It took a moment, but it was Yami singing a song Jounouchi had been blaring for a while in the previous weeks, but the lyrics where off slightly.

 

“Some days I sit, staring out the window

Watching this world pass me by

Sometimes I think there’s nothing to live for

I almost break down and cry

Sometimes I think I'm crazy

I'm crazy, oh so crazy!

Why am I here? Am I just wasting my time?

But then I see my baby

Suddenly I’m not crazy

It all makes sense when I look into your eyes…”

 

“Sometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders

Everyone's leaning on me

‘Cause sometimes it feels like the world's almost over

But then you come back to me.”

 

Tear-bright scarlet eyes met and held his, a blush crossing Yami’s cheeks.  He pulled the smaller boy into his lap, tucking Yugi’s head under his chin and hugged him securely.  With some faltering, he continued.

 

“My hikari keeps getting older

I watch you grow up with pride

People make jokes,

‘Cause they don't understand me

They just don’t see my real side

I act like shit don’t phase me,

Inside it drives me crazy!

My insecurities could eat me alive

But then I see my baby

Suddenly I'm not crazy!

It all makes sense when I look into your eyes…

 

Sometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders

Everyone's leaning on me

‘Cause sometimes it feels like the world's almost over

But then you come back to me…”

 

As his voice drifted off into the nothingness it had come from, Yami found it hard to sit still.  His hands fidgeted nervously as he waited for a response from his other.  Yugi was in shock.  Slowly, he hugged the shadow, and felt him relax some.  “Yami…”

 

“I’m sorry, little one.  I failed you.  I let you down in the time you needed me most--”  A fierce kiss cut him off.

 

“Yami, I’ve already heard it.”  A guilty flush came to the younger boy’s face at the questioning look he was given.  “I--I heard you when you were…”  Unable to describe it, he gestured to the spring.  “The point is that there was nothing you could have done.  You’ve been here for me; you’ve always been here for me.  And last night you erased the last lingering fear I had…that I--that I was no longer good enough to love…”

 

“Love had never been a problem, Yugi,” Yami soothed, picking up the dropped sentence.  He wiped away the fresh tears that started tracking down his aibou’s face.  “I do love you.  I love you--I need you as I have never loved or needed someone before.  But what I have done is inexcusable…”

 

“You can’t protect me against everything.”

 

“My job is to protect.  It is something I take very seriously.  But…  I’m afraid, Yugi.  I’m afraid that I’ll hurt you.  That somehow, my darkness will overtake your light, that I will continue to let you down when you need me most, that I won’t be able to protect you should it come to your life…”

 

“Look at me, Yami.  Damn your pride.  There was nothing you could do, nothing anyone could have done.  Living means getting out from behind the bulletproof glass and doing things.  You’ve taught me courage under fire, to believe in myself and those around me.  This time, let me be the one to hold you up.  I believe in you.  I forgive you.  I love you.  Please, forgive yourself.  We’ll get through this together, just like always.”

 

Yami smiled, a true smile.  So the gods haven’t abandoned me…  Leaning forward, he caught those tempting lips with his own, claiming a slow and reassuring kiss.  “If you can forgive me, then I accept the forgiveness with a happy heart, little one.  Where you go, I will follow.  I swear.”

 

A slightly wicked smile crossed the light’s face.  “Then take me inside and you can spend the rest of the trip apologizing properly.”

 

Returning the smile with a smirk of his own, Yami swept the boy up into his arms.  “My dear, sweet, innocent hikari…  Your wish is my command.”

 

OWARI ~ TK’02

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Acknowledgements, credits, disclaimers, and mad props to my peeps following… à