Mechanics of Relationships:

Sorrow and Anger

Hiiro x Duo

 

Tawnya Kisaragi

 

Hiiro finished camouflaging Wing Zero and began the trek back to the safehouse.  It had taken two weeks to complete the mission; two weeks too long as far as he was concerned.  He was worried and edgy then entire trip, causing him to make stupid mistakes and increase the length of the mission.  He just couldn’t keep Duo off his mind.

 

*You make it hard to breathe…*

 

A wonderful smell greeted his tired senses when he stepped into the house.  Quatre was the only one he knew who could create such smells.  Had he returned from the hospital while he had been away on the mission?  Dropping his bag, Hiiro made his way to the kitchen.

 

*It’s as if I’m suffocating…*

 

Duo stood with part of his back to the kitchen door, wearing one of Hiiro’s tank tops, murmuring the words of a song that was playing on the kitchen radio.  He had his eyes closed, tapping out the rhythm with the end of a wooden spoon.  Every once in a while, he’d stop, turn, and check on whatever he was cooking before returning to the song. 

He had an incredible voice.

 

*And when you’re close to me, I can feel your heart beat through my skin…*

 

The Japanese youth must have made some sort of noise because Duo suddenly whirled around.  His face lit up with a smile when he saw who the intruder was.  He laughed, actually laughed!

“Hiiro!” he shouted, forgetting the spoon and the food.  He laughed again as he bounced over to his friend.  “Hiiro!  You’re back!”  Without waiting for a reply or giving warning, he wrapped Hiiro in a big hug.

 

*It makes me sad to think, this could all be for nothin’…*

 

Releasing Hiiro, Duo bounced back to his original spot.

“Now that you’re back, you can have dinner with us.  It should be ready by the time Wufei gets back from the hospital.”  He glanced back to where the Wing Zero pilot hadn’t moved.  “Ne, Hiiro, is something wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.  I’m fine.”

Duo shrugged and continued babbling on about anything and everything that came to mind.  He was so caught up in his chatter that he didn’t notice Hiiro slide up behind him.

 

*I wish there was a way, a way for you to see inside me…*

 

“Yeaaagh!” Duo screamed, nearly jumping out of his skin.  “Goddamn it, Hiiro!  Your hands are *freezing* cold, man!  Whaddja do?  Stick ‘em in an ice box?”

“It’s cold in Siberia,” he said flatly.  -No, no, NO!  This is *NOT* what’s suppose to be going on!- his mind screamed, mentally trying to drag himself away from his partner.  But his body had other plans…  One of his hands began playing with one if the tank top straps.

“I hope you don’t mind me borrowing your tank top, Hiiro.  But I got to missing you and then I found this and…”

“You look good in it.”

“Yeah, right, whatever,” he chuckled.  “It’s like three sizes too big for me!”

“You look good in it,” Hiiro responded seriously, one finger gently trailing the graceful curve of Duo’s shoulder.

 

*I’ve never felt this way…*

 

-No, damnit, no!  This isn’t happening!-

“…Hiiro?…  Wh -- what are you doing?”

“I’ve been thinking about you lately, Duo.  A lot.  I could never quite seem to get you off my mind,” he purred in the Deathscythe pilot’s ear, leaning over and softly kissing his neck once, twice, as his hand trailed down Duo’s lithe form.  It was true, he had been thinking about the American pilot a lot.  Namely things he would never dream of telling the other about.  Now his body, acting on its own accord, was trying to live out those fantasies.

Duo stiffened beneath the touch of his friend.  What was Hiiro doing?  Why was he acting like this?  Under a different set of circumstances, he probably would have enjoyed the kind of attention Hiiro was paying him, but now it scared him.  He had heard that tone in the stoic pilot’s more times than he cared to admit. 

Hiiro wouldn’t do that to him…would he?

“Hiiro?” he asked hesitantly, starring at the opposite wall, body stiff as a board as Hiiro continued to kiss his neck. 

He received no reply. 

“Hiiro?”  He was a little more forceful. 

Still no reply and the roaming hand slid around his waist.  He felt cold with fear when the hands reached for the button of his pants.

“Hiiro!”  He practically screamed the name, turning around to face his assailant, only to have the end of his shout swallowed by a bruising kiss.

Duo felt his heart twist and break apart.  He had thought he had meant more to Hiiro than this.  He had thought he had finally found someone who cared about him more than his skills or body.  He had thought Hiiro would be the one to understand…

 

*’Bout anyone, or anything…*

 

He had thought wrong…

 

*Tell me!  What do I have to do…to make you happy?*

 

Duo allowed Hiiro to pull him to the floor, choking back his tears.  They never liked criers.  He forced his body to relax under the touch, his eyes turning blank as his mind retreated into itself; a trick he had learned a long time ago.  He slowly closed off all his senses, hoping he wouldn’t be brought back until Hiiro was finished.

-No!!  I don’t want this!  I don’t want to do this to him!  Never to him!-  Hiiro finally forced his body back under control.  He sat back and surveyed the damage.

He felt sick.  He could have honestly puked his guts out right then and there if it would have helped.  Duo lay half undressed beneath him, totally limp, his eyes staring out blankly.  The only indication that he was alive was the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest.  For an instant, Hiiro almost lost control again, but another wave of nausea hit him, causing him to turn away from the horrible sight before him.

Once, he reached out to awaken those blank orchid eyes, but stopped.  He had no right.  He was a monster.  His hands were too dirty to touch Duo, ever.  He had tried to force himself on that lovely angel.  He had no right to be in the same room with him.

He opened his mouth to say something, to say he was sorry, to explain his actions, to beg for forgiveness.  But all that came out was a tiny, strangled croak instead.  His throat closed, making it extremely difficult to breathe and his eyes burned.  Biting his lip and clenching his fists, Hiiro stood and fairly ran out of the kitchen to his bedroom.

Something smooth and wet ran down his cheek as soon as he closed the door.  He reached up and tasted the liquid.  Salt?

Was he…crying?

He had never cried before.  If he had, he had been too young at the time to remember.  That fact made him even angrier with himself.  Why couldn’t he control his Goddamn body?  What was it about Duo that made him feel like this?  He sat down on a bed, facing away form the door.

-Was this the way you felt the day you tried to kill yourself, Duo?- he questioned, fighting to breathe correctly through his tears.

 

*What do I have to do…To make you understand?*

 

It was a long time before there was a gentle rap at the door.

“…Hiiro?…”

“Go away, Maxwell.”

There was a click as the door was opened, then shut again.  Hiiro refused to turn around. 

“Hiiro, we have to talk.”  Duo’s voice was hard with anger, bordering on fury.

“I said…”

“No!  We are going to talk about this now!” he shouted, the full force of his anger coming to the surface.  Hiiro flinched.  “This isn’t something that we can simply sweep under the bed and pretend didn’t happen, because it did, damn it!  And I’m not going to leave until I understand what the fuck happened in that kitchen!

“Do you have any fucking idea what you tried to do to me back there?” he asked, his voice dropping in volume to almost a whisper.  “Goddamn it, Hiiro, I’ve been screwed for less than this my entire fucking life.  I know you wanted me.  I know you wanted me pretty bad, too.  I could hear it in your voice.  That damn purr.  And I know exactly what was going through your mind as well.  I’ve been there.  I’ve done that.

“The only thing I don’t understand is why the fuck you stopped.  You had me right where you wanted me.  You didn’t have to do one fucking thing!  Anyone else would have had to beat me for an hour before they’d ever get that far.  You see, I’ve always been the pretty slut, even before I became a Gundam pilot.

“So why?  Was I suddenly not good enough for the Perfect Soldier?  Is that it?  Is that why you stopped?!”

“I stopped because I didn’t *WANT* to rape you!!” Hiiro screamed, standing and facing Duo.  “Gods knows my body wanted to, but *I* didn’t!  Damn it all to hell, you’re always on my fucking mind.  I can’t think straight when you’re in the same room I am.  Everything you *do* fucking turns me on!  You’re the most important thing to me in this entire fucking war!  You’re the reason I keep fighting, Duo.  How the hell could I possibly want to hurt you?  I couldn’t do that to you.  I could never, *ever*, do that.  Not to you!”

They stared at each other in silence before Hiiro broke the gaze and again turned away to stare out the open French doors.

 

*What do I have to do…to make you want me?*

 

Duo silently came up behind Hiiro and wrapped his arms around the Wing Zero pilot’s chest.

“Oh Hiiro…  We’ve both been fucking idiots…” he said, resting his head against the other’s neck.  Hiiro hugged those two comforting arms, letting his fingers intertwine with Duo’s in a tight embrace.

“Duo…”

“I love you, Hiiro Yui.  I think I’ve loved you ever since we escaped from that hospital after we first met.  Even when you stole parts from Deathscythe to fix Wing, I was happy because I had been able to help you.  I would take Deathscythe to hell and back if I thought it would help you.

“Call me weird, but I think you’re the real reason I agreed to become a pilot.  Somehow, I knew I’d meet you, someone who was everything I wasn’t, someone who could tell me what kind of a fucking idiot I can be, someone that could care about me, Duo Maxwell.”

“Duo…”  Hiiro broke the embrace and turned, holding the American pilot at arm’s length.  “You know I can’t say…”

Duo squeezed Hiiro’s hands.  “I know you can’t say it…at least until the war is over.  And I won’t say it for you, either.  If you did say it, you’d feel obligated to me and I don’t want that.  I’d rather live in silence with you beside me than for you to say it a thousand times and to be six feet under.

“You don’t have to say anything.  I already know…  But I need you to know that I--that I love you.”

 

*But if I can’t make you want me, then tell me, what do I have to do?*

 

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