Old Entries
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I really don't trust myself anymore. I updated my livejournal in about two minutes earlier this morning, with a snippit of conversation between an Achaean friend and me.
I can't cry anymore. I needed to cry last night, so badly. Just as a release, just to let my emotions out and step building them up. But the tears wouldn't come - my eyes were dry. I tried to FORCE myself to cry. I thought of the most horrible things, and tears pricked at my eyes ONCE.
I
could
not
cry.
This really bothers me. If I can't cry, what am I going to do? I have to do something. Writing as a release doesn't work anymore. I don't want to go back to what I was. Actually, I do. But I won't let myself.
I'm so afraid of dropping my mask. I'm afraid to stop lying. I don't want to know how it would change my life.
I want so badly to cry.
I want so badly to just start running, and not stop until I reach her. But I'd die of physical exhaustion before I made it that far.
And I'm so, so cold. It's freezing in this room, and I didn't wear my hoodie today. All I have are my... undergarments, too-big-by-far jeans, and red InuYasha t-shirt. Not including my jewelry... Rath's ring on my right hand, my arm band around my right wrist, and Rath's necklace around my left wrist.
I keep those things on my wrists to stop myself...
And on a completely different note o.O I really wish I could make my mom understand. She just WON'T. She keeps going on about how I'm going to meet a man someday who'll knock me off my socks.
And I tell her it won't matter because I love Rath more than anything else, more than I love anyone else, and.. o.O "Yes, yes mother, I would have sex with her. Yes, I am VERY physically attracted to her. And other women, for that matter."
... XD; Mommy didn't like that.
Anyway, my fingers are too cold, I can barely type. David says I'm still using "uber-type" so apparently I'm still pretty fast even when my hands are frozen.
*wootness* I get to attend Renassaince next hour. I'll have to make up my photo assignment during lunch though >>;; Which probably means no food for Kaiya. I'm not hungry, though... At least I had breakfast. If I need something, I'll go get it. *shrug*
I guess I should end this... If I keep talking, I'll start talking about Rath.
You know, there's one question I just keep wanting to ask, but I can't bring myself to do it. *ponder* ... I just kinda wonder... Is she here because she promised me, or is she here because she -wants to be with me-? Or is it some strange mixture of both? I don't really expect an answer. I'm almost afraid to get one.
I realized something else. I keep wanting these next two years to be over with, but every time I think of NOT being a teenager anymore, and NOT having school and NOT having all the time in the world anymore... That scares me, too. But I want to be with her, so I ignore it.
I ignore a lot of things sometimes...
Just give me myself back...
October 28, 2004 at 9:53 p.m.
So... yes. There are things about me that annoy Rath, and thus my natural reaction is to try and stop them. But that annoys her, too. But I don't think I really want to talk about that.
I'm pretty proud of myself for not backing down tonight. There are two parts to Jami sometimes, excluding Hoshi. There is the meek, quiet, shy Jami, and there is the stubborn, loud, sometimes demanding, sometimes bitchy Jami, who only comes out when needed, i.e. at work (not so much teaching as guarding), when I'm annoyed and can't take it anymore (such as when I yell at a whole class of people I don't even know to shut up), and so on and so forth.
I'm clingy when I'm moody. And you know, for a long time now, I've been really moody. Rath says that it seems every one of my weeks has been a bad week, lately. It's not really true... I guess.. I think the distance is finally starting to break me. But wouldn't it annoy her if I were to cling in person, too? She said once that she wouldn't mind as much then. But... Rawr. I don't know. I really don't know anymore.
Right after I got off the phone with her, I started crying again. Because yes, I do miss her. I don't care that it's been like... a good while since I was there with her in person. It hurts like all fucking hell, still, to be gone. I wish more than anything else that I actually -had- run off with her, but at the same time I know I couldn't have, wouldn't have, etc.
At the same time, who's to say that things wouldn't be ten thousand times more screwed up than they are right now if I had run off with her? Who's to say that we wouldn't have ended up hating each other and walking away from one another?
Who knows anymore... Sometimes, when she wants to withdraw to herself for extended amounts of time, I wonder if she really understands what it means to be in love and to be in a relationship. Then, I wonder if I understand what it means to be in love and to be in a relationship. Everyone needs alone time. I'm just clingy, and it annoys even me. I should learn to back off, I really should.
Sometimes, too, I wonder if this is really love. But I love her, and I know that, because I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life.
I don't want her to feel bad, I don't want her to apologize, and I don't want her to change, or anything. Sure, it hurts me sometimes when she wants to withdraw, but I need to stop being so childish about it. It won't kill me to go without talking to her for a while, no matter how much it hurts. I guess I really was just entirely spoiled by her attention, from the beginning, and now I need to get over that. I love her for her, though, and... Well. Yeah. As said, I DO NOT WANT her to feel bad or anything stated at the beginning of this paragraph. I just wanted to rant about it, and get it off my chest.
You know what I really want, though? I want to be able to lie as I used to. I want to be able to lose myself in my lies and pretend that I'm utterly and completely happy, and a good follower of God, and I want to be able to convince myself that I'm still naive, and I want to be able to convince myself that there really is good out there in everyone. I want to be able to live like I did at the beginning of my freshman year. I want to be able to starve myself again, I want to be able to hurt myself, I want to be able to lie as I used to, lying so well that I fooled even myself.
I also want my relationship with God back, WITHOUT losing my relationship with Rath. I LOVE HER. Nothing can, and nothing WILL change that. No matter how dark she is, and no matter how mentally unstable I am.
But I can't lie, or cut, or starve, or any of that shit. I can't live like I used to. Too many promises, too much caring. Love her too much, and there are those few friends who, though they annoy the fucking hell out of me sometimes, I care about a lot.
So sometimes, I guess I wish I didn't care anymore. But I know that's not true.
And... I feel really alone. I think that's why I cling. But it annoys her, and it even annoys me when I cling. I've never needed anyone before. It's... irritating. Bah. I'm so damn weird.
As usual, I bet none of this made sense. It doesn't even make any to me. New post on DA, picture this time. Ushi-sama (Devin) scanned it for me.
All too calm, you hide yourself from reality...
October 26, 2004 at 5:36 a.m.
Oh my God. I need my Rath. Silk is helping a little, but I can't stop crying, and my throat feels like it's constricting. My chest feels like it has a ton of bricks on it. I can't -breathe- and I can't stop crying.
All because of a stupid dream. Look at me. People think that I'm strong? People think that -I'm- the strong one? As fucking if. I'm sitting here, and it's 4:30 in the morning, and I can't go back to sleep because I'm shaken up so badly. I -am- shaking, and crying, and I can hardly breath. Achaea is open in front of me, but I'm simply following Silk. The only reason I got on was to cling to her, because I wasn't about to call Rath so early, and no one else is online... Rath doesn't even have an away message that I can pester.
Oooh my God... The dream wasn't even that bad. I mean, what happened was that someone... someone set off a nuclear bomb, and everyone thought I was dead. Even I thought my dream self was dead. But apparently I wasn't, and 40 years later, I came back. My grandparents had just died, and a lot of the people I knew were dead, which probably contributed to the crying.
But Rath had committed suicide. Her family wouldn't tell me at first over the phone, but I... I mean, I KNEW. I knew she would have, even in the dream. But still, I went to her house. I had to be sure. They hadn't cleaned up or emptied her room, other than to remove her body. And there were pictures of her... And it was just... It was stupid of my dream self to even check. Even I know that if I were gone, Rath -would- kill herself. At least.. That's the impression she gives. But I guess I'm that hopeless romantice who just HAS to know.. I woke up sobbing.
It wasn't that bad of a dream, I don't know why it's affecting me like this. Hell, I mean... Well, the worst part of the dream would be the images that my mind produced of how she probably killed herself, as well as the different ways she could have done so (these images will most likely haunt me all day). Rawr. Yes x.x I know damn well that if I were gone, my girlfriend would probably kill herself. How the hell is anyone supposed to know that I'm not really dead and I'll come back 40 years later looking the same I did 40 years before? Hell, I'd kill myself in that situation. HONESTLY. It was a STUPID dream. STUPID STUPID STUPID.
... But I still can't stop crying.
And a half hour after the above was written, she's signed online... And I haven't even told her about the dream, but at least I've stopped crying. I can breathe again... and I was numbly staring at Achaea, before she signed on, and then I sorta forgot it was there. Until Lord Lupus came over the Druids channel and told Silk she needed intense therapy. That made me giggle. And Rath rambling about her animals made me giggle too. ._. Giggling is a good sign. It either means I'm okay because I'm now overly tired, or that I'm back to pretending, and either one is fairly usual, right?
But yeah, she really did help. Just by saying the things she did, I'm comforted...
October 21, 2004 at 11:57 p.m.
I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I really, really wish Rath were still awake. Then again, maybe I don't. If I clung right now, it'd probably annoy her.
I'm overdressed, to ignore how cold I am. My hair is unbrushed, and there are bags under my eyes. But I can't sleep. I really just want to sleep, and not wake up. I want to cry and scream and hurt myself, and I can't really explain why.
Sometimes, I can't tell when I'm lying or telling the truth anymore. But I know I lie a lot. About what I'm doing, about what I'm going to do... I'll say I'm doing things when I'm not, or that I'm not doing things when I am. I'll say, "Oh, yeah, I'm going to do that pretty soon." and have no intention whatsoever of actually doing it.
For some reason, the fact that I can pout at almost anyone and get what I want, irritates the hell out of me. I really am Kaiya. Does ANYONE know Jami anymore? I don't even know Jami anymore. That darkness inside of me grows a little stronger all the time, no matter how I try to ignore it.
Tomorrow, I'll wake up. I'll do a bit of homework, so I can try to pass that quiz tomorrow. I'll go out for coffee with Risu at 7:30-ish, and I'll go to school at 8 to re-take a math test I did poorly on. And I'll pretend that the coffee actually did something for me, that it actually gave me energy. I'll be bouncy for a while. Eventually though, I'll withdraw to myself and write in my journal, or lose myself in the depths of my mind, surrounding by thoughts.
No one notices. I take that back - Ecchi-san notices. She knows I'm nothing but an actress, and how she knows is beyond me. I don't get the chance to talk to her a lot, but somehow she knows. She knows it's all an act, all a lie. And she knows that the only reason I don't hurt myself is because of my promises.
I don't know why I keep those promises, yet. I don't keep quite a few of the promises I make. But the ones I made to Rath, Silk, Alii... I kept those. I have every intention of keeping the promises I make to Ecchi-san, too. I really have no clue why, either.
She reminds me of like... Rath, Silk and myself all put together. Wow, that's kinda messed up. But seriously, I see bits of us in her... At the same time, though, she's just herself. She's just Ecchi-san.
I don't care about a lot lately. I don't care about school for the most part, except for that small part of me that still wants to do well. I don't tell my Mom that I don't care, because I don't want to break her heart more than I already have. Part of me thinks I just don't want to admit it to myself, too. But I'll tell her my homework is done, or that I'm working on it, and I won't even have started it, touched it, looked at it.
She's my mother, and I love her. Because I love and I care, a lot, but I hate, too. I hate how my mom is, but she's STILL my mother. And I love her, even if she's defective. Sometimes it really gets to me the way Rath'll talk about her... But then again, I might be dark, but Rath is so much darker. Yet still I want to be with her.
The other day, I sat there and I was looking at my life. I laughed at myself, and mentally declared that I was most likely going to hell. I don't want to. There was this little voice inside of me that said, "If you're going anyway, embrace sin... Embrace evil, turn away from God. Shun Him, Ignore Him." But no...
No.
If I'm going to hell, damnit, I'm going fighting. And I'm going to suffer if I go there. But I'm going fighting.
That was completely random and completely off subject. In fact, most of what I'm talking about is. Especially this next subject!
So lately, I've been hearing things. This used to happen to me a lot. I have a poem about it somewhere...
Trapped in A Corner
Now I'm curled here, cheeks stained
With tears and blood, and pained
Thoughts running through my head
I'm backed into a corner
And my faith I'm clutching, for fear of
Never finding it again should I let go
My head is on my knees, hands
Fisted in my hair, blood stains...
My cheeks crimson, dripping slowly from above
I'm back against the wall
But from behind me I hear them call
My name, as they plague my mind
I think I've gone insane now
And I'm not quite sure how
To find myself again
Tears are mixing with my blood
The voices and my thoughts are like a flood
In my mind, and I'm drowning now
Someone, please, save me from this life
Point me back towards the right road, my old way of life
Nothing's real now, and I'm looking the wrong way
Really not that great of a poem, but it's very... It really is how I feel. It's like a mental picture of myself. Mentally, I am bleeding and crying, almost always. But anyway, yes... "But from behind me I hear them call/My name, as they plague my mind."
I've had that happening for a long time. But lately, it's -just- a feminine voice... and it's always "Kaiya" now. Just today, when I was stumbling down the stairs to go to the library during lunch, I heard a soft, feminine voice from below me: "Kaiya..."
I turned, and I looked every which way. Walked around, searching. But I saw no one. It sounded so familiar though...
It's strange, but things like that have always happened to me. I've heard people say my name from behind me, when I'm back against the wall. Or there are incidents like the one I just mentioned. Sometimes I hear footsteps when no one else is in the house, and sometimes I see things out of the corner of my eyes, and when I turn, nothing is there.
Yeah, I'll be the first to say this house is haunted. But it doesn't just happen here...
I really think I am insane, sometimes.
And right now, I miss her. Right now, I need to hear that she isn't going to leave me and that she loves me. But right now... I'm pretty sure she'd be annoyed if I got all clingy and needy. Maybe she wouldn't, maybe I'm wrong. I don't -know- anymore. I thought I knew her, I really think I did, but sometimes I'm not sure.
Then again, does she know me?
I don't know that, either. I wonder sometimes, how often she lies to me everyday. It bothers me, but it doesn't. I suppose it doesn't mainly because I lie to her, too.
*insert another subject change* And I keep hiding. Hiding in games and stories and writing. But role-playing feels weird lately. Sometimes it kinda feels like she doesn't really want to... But you know, I... just really don't know right now. This post probably made no sense at all, yet... blah. I'll have a more insightful post sometime, maybe. I'm going to go try to sleep, again. And tomorrow, I want to write a self-analysis... One has been writing itself in my head all night, now I just need to get it on paper.
Two men
They started walking
Started talking bout better days
One says to the other
We do it all again
Seems I knew I would
And now I found it
Found I got it
I didn't want this
Somebody help me see
Now I feel it
Feel like I've been there
I didn't need this
Somebody help me breathe
Here we are again
Just face to facing
Each other another day
Who wins
Well who cares
It always ends up the same
Seems I knew I would
And now I found it
Found I got it
I didn't want this
Somebody help me see
And now I feel it
Feel that I've been there
I didn't need this
Would Somebody help me stand
And now I've told them
Already warned them
I didn't want this
Somebody help me breathe
If I was them
Then I wanna be
What I see
If I could drag my life in a moment
Wanna know do you want me to go
Gonna keep it all from ending
Never stop myself from pretending
That you always knew that I never could
All I ever really wanted was to be the same
Equal treatment never ever comes
and there they go again
All I ever really wanted was to be like you
So perfect
So worthless
If I could take it all back think again
I would
And now I found it
Found I got it
I didn't want this
Somebody help me see
Now I feel it
Feel that I've been there
I didn't need this
Somebody help me stand
And now I've told them
I didn't want this
I didn't need this
Would somebody help me breathe
Would somebody help me breathe
Would somebody help me?
~*~Breathe - Nickelback~*~
... Only I don't want help, and I never wanted to be the same as everyone else, let alone anyone else. I just want... *sigh*
-Kaiya-
Pushing me away...
October 18, 2004 at 9:38 p.m.
I suppose anyone who's reading this is wondering about the long absence. Well, I was distracted. I get like that sometimes.
So I guess I decided that I needed something else to work on. Homework, RPing, Achaea, Lusternia, and writing and such just weren't cutting it anymore. I missed have a site to update, oddly enough. << Though I'm sure it won't take long before the HTML gets to me.
Anywho, because I lack the motivation to rewrite anything I've been in the mood to rant about, here is another journal entry from my hand-written journal. I'll probably type those up here a lot.
~*~*~
10/15 - I'm getting really sick of my mom. She can't go a day without accusing me of either not eating, or accusing me of not eating properly. Lately, I've been eating better than I have in God only knows how long.
How can she accuse me of not eating when I specifically ask her to buy me health food? What is with her?
I'm not anorexic. How many times do I have to go over this with her?
I was once, and that has left internal scars that will never completely heal!
We got into a big argument over the summer, where I flat out told her everything she had missed, including my year of anorexia and depression, the year where I wanted nothing more than to slit my wrists and throw myself off a bridge. I know damn well that I am far from sane. But I am not nearly as suicidal as I once was, and I AM NOT FUCKING ANOREXIC!
... Rawr.
It just pisses me off. I wish she'd lay off already, and focus on her own damn problems. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.
~*~*~
Okay, so maybe I'm still working on that taking care of myself thing, but I'm bloody trying. I'm stubborn, determined, and trying to make this whole life thing work. And so help me, I will!
Hurting...
10-14-04 at 12:01 p.m.
Alright! So below are some things from a hand-written journal I've started keeping. They're to make up for the lack of updates! Hopefully that'll change soon. I should have a better update for you guys tomorrow/Saturday, as I don't work on those days. Hearts, enjoy the reading!
~*~*~
10/4- Alright, so, here I am. Starting yet another journal. Will this one last longer than the previous ones? I hope so. It�s bigger, and I like that. This will contain thoughts, stories, poems, and maybe even dreams. I guess it just depends on if I remember them or not.
So, I was on the phone with Rachel last night until roughly� 12:30 or so. I guess. It was late. We talked a lot, about things that we hate, things that annoy us, etc. She did a lot of the talking, really.
I find it amusing how I change around her. I wonder this � Am I acting more or less? I love her, that�s for sure. That will� never change.
There used to be this voice� �YOU DON�T LOVE HER!� in my head. Then that eventually changed into a desperate, �YOU CAN�T LOVE HER!�
But now it�s simply�
�I love her.�
I wish we�d had more time to talk last night. I should�ve asked sooner, not stayed up so late. I�m weird lately. It varies a lot. I just can�t wait to get out of here, to be with her. But I think I�m done talking now. Lunch is almost over, so I�ll write through history and Physics� go home� and work� Maybe I can get out of my last classes, but it IS the last day for them -_- Who knows?
I�ll decide later.
~*~*~*~
10/6 � Okay, so, I �was- happily practicing my math. I�m sitting here, in photography class. We had to write down 13 of our fears. Someone�s fear is �Gay Marriage.� That just made me twitch.
I�m so tempted to stand up, slam my books down on the desk, and demand to know who put that down. That just �pisses- me off. I�d either swear at the person, and leave, or just sit there, and talk about everything I researched for my gay marriage paper last year.
Rawr!
That was amusing. I was trying to ask a question, but everyone was talking. So�
�Would you all SHUT UP PLEASE?!� Really loud and >>; bitchy sounding. Though the �please� almost ruined that affect. In closing, here are my fears! With one added on~
1) Being in a void of nothing
2) Being utterly alone
3) Losing Rath
4) God�s Wrath
5) One of my students drowning
6) Losing my family
7) Being in a car accident
8) The inability to write
9) Inability to care for myself
10) Myself
11) Being paralyzed for life
12) One of my friends dying
13) Centipedes
Now, I suppose I should explain them. First off � I lied. There were only 13. Just changed �losing my best friend� to �losing Rath.�
So, here we go on explaining those.
1. Being alone in a void of nothingness. This just� I think about it at night, sometimes. �What if there�s �nothing- after death? I ask myself, when I�m alone and can�t sleep, as my thoughts wander a lot when this happens. When that thoughts gets too far, I start shaking, trembling, crying� I curl up into a little ball, clutching at myself or at my blanket. The idea of there being nothing � no thoughts, no emotions, no light, no warmth, no consciousness, no awareness � scares me above all else.
2. Being alone. Alone meaning no family, no friends, no Rath, no God, no animals� just me, and my thoughts. I would quickly lose my mind, and probably destroy myself.
3. Losing Rath. I love her, want her, need her. I couldn�t live without her. I think that�s all I need to say about this one.
4. God�s Wrath. One word? �Duh.�
5. One of my students drowning. The idea of ANYONE drowning either in my class or on my watch is bone chilling. I couldn�t stand that. I�d hurt myself, a lot, if that happened.
6. Losing my family. They mean a lot to me, even if they�re bloody stupid sometimes.
7. Car Accident. The results are what scare me. Killing someone else without meaning to, getting paralyzed, dying without accomplishing my goals, dying without her� Frightening, at least to me.
8. Writing is my life. I would�ve jumped off a bridge long ago if I hadn�t been able to write.
9. Inability to take care of myself� That fear was realized while talking to Rath. Pretty self-explanatory really� I�m stubborn, and like to live. Sitting there while everyone else is taking care of me is not living.
10. Me? I�m afraid of what I�d do if I lost control of my emotions, especially my temper, suppressed for so long�
11. See number 9!
12. Much the same as how I feel about my family, except that I�m closer to my friends.
13. � They�re gross! Icky! Nasty! They just x.x creep me out ._. *sulk*
Waiting...
7-1-04 at 10:17 p.m.
Mou...
I am so bloody pathetic it's not even funny. I'm sitting here, upset, because she's off probably counseling a friend, or something of the sort. Upset, why? Because yeah, she told me something was wrong, but she didn't warn me she was just going to leave. And it's been over half an hour.
I wonder why I let me do this to myself. All I ever do is wait for her, and 99% of the things I do are... just for her. I work so I'll be able to see her. I come home, and no matter how badly I miss my friends, I don't go see them. I just wait, even if she's not there. I wait for her to come back, because I know she'll want me there. I know she'll get impatient and pouty and needy, if I'm not there. So I stay here. Even if she goes out with her friends, I don't. I stay, and I wait. I don't do anything, but wait for her.
The one time I did manage to tear myself away from her and see my friends, it led to us getting in an argument of the sorts that night. After that, the only time I saw anyone was when Risu came over... And I still just sat here, and I felt bad for doing that to Risu. Then I saw Kim and some others last night, but only after Rath had gone to bed.
She's angsty and apathetic and sick, but I can't do anything about it. She gets annoyed if I ask too much, if I probe too much. If I get a vibe and I ask, she gets annoyed. I can't ignore the vibes I have.
But still, I would do almost anything for her, with the exception of forgoing my Faith or selling my soul or anything of the sort. I would give my life to make her happy, even if it meant that she had to forget she loved me in the process. If she loved me and I died, she wouldn't be happy, of course. But just about anything... I would do or give just about anything to make her happy. And now I've got vibes bad enough to bring tears to my eyes, and my head is starting to hurt. I can't tell anymore if they're from her or from someone else.
She's still not back. She's outside with her bunny. I should sleep, but I won't, because I know I can't anyway. I can't call, it's past 11, I don't want to get her in trouble.
I'll sit here and I'll wait some more.
Hoshi will tell me I'm foolish, and I'll ignore her. I'll get lonely and tired of waiting, but I still won't move. I'll push everything out of my mind with a story or with a game.
Maybe I'm too eager to try and please her. I love her, though. I feel pathetic, and far too clingy. But... I don't know. I just... don't know. I hate how she'll up and leave, but she won't even tell me. I worry, and she knows it, and it annoys her. She tells me I worry too much, but it's how I am. It's who I am. She's the one who picked an empath. It annoys me, sometimes, how she'll get annoyed with that.
I don't even know what to talk about anymore. My head is pounding, I'm blinking back tears, but she's not here. I want to do something to take away her pain, to make her not sick, I want to do... something. But... I don't know what to do, what to say, what to think. I don't want to guilt her, I don't want to upset her further. If anything, I'd prefer she just ignore this and leave me to my thoughts, because I know I'm not sane. But... *shrug* It doesn't matter, I guess. They're just thoughts. Thoughts born from the mind of someone who isn't sure who she is, or what she wants, other than two things. Maybe three.
And so I wait. And so... I wait.
Why does everything feel so wrong? I get the feeling that she's really annoyed. I also feel like she's hiding something. I'm trying to stop asking if something is wrong so often though, because she just gets annoyed. I can't help what I'm Feeling. I also feel like something horrible is about to happen, and It's one of those feelings I can't ignore no matter how hard I try.
I went shopping the other day, hoping to make myself happier. It didn't work. I was trying to answer some questions, but all I did was depress myself more. And I upset her, and... things just did not go well at all.
I feel like... I really need to back off of Achaea. I love the game, I have a lot of fun. But it's eating away at me, seriously. And... My empathy seems to be growing weaker. I'm not really sure. I'm really confused lately.
I'm not happy, except when I'm talking to her. But something feels so off, so wrong.
Oh, and someone who shall remain nameless was just molesting me via IM. I'm not saying who, because I care about my friends even when they're being stupid, and I have no wish for my girlfriend to kill the guy for being... a horny male. Though if he ever does it again, whether it be online or in person, he will -never- be able to have children. I hated how it made me feel, even if it was just over an IM conversation. And he wouldn't stop x.x Though he did eventually, of course. And I was too angry to just block him.. I almost want to cry. Almost.
There's so much I want to rant about, but I don't have the energy because my head hurts. Really badly. I've been getting horrible headaches lately, even when I have a daily douse of caffeine.
My current headache came about during my last class, and it made me dizzy. I gave the kids extra free time just so that I wouldn't have to carry them about anymore.
*sigh* I wanted to talk about things that I dislike, but can't seem to help. Such as when Rath occasionally gets really angry, I hate it, and I get a little scared, but some part of me is turned on by it. That's what I hate the most. I'm so weird, so strange. And I hold firm in my belief that there is no such thing as sanity.
I think I need to stop rambling now. I wish she were on though, I miss her. That's another thing that gets on my nerves sometimes... She gets moody when I'm gone too long, but she's gone all the time. But yeah, anyway... That's why I'm not going to go lay down. I might go shower though.
New things coming as soon as I have the energy to motivate myself to make them. A photography page, a memory page, etc.
Well, it's been a while, hm? It's hard for me to really rant about anything lately. I don't know. I'm really strange lately.
Sometimes I don't think people realize I'm a liar, an actress. I sin so much it hurts, sometimes to the point where I can't breath anymore because of it. Most people believe it, though. Even Hoshi fails to truly realize how non-innocent I am, as I discovered last night.
On a completely different note, I've been working all week, and I have to go back and work some more tonight. Until close. Sitting in that chair is driving me insane, and I'm not even joking around. Jennifer asked me to fill for her tomorrow, so I'm going to ask her to come in for me on Sunday, just so I can have a bloody day off.
I take every hour I can get, just to earn more money. Why? Because the only way to see Rath this summer is if *I* pay for every last bit of it. *sigh* Mom's being such a pain about it, too. All "even if you pay for it all, we can't go as soon as you'd like and it won't be anytime soon" and blah ba blah...
And I guess I really never did figure out what kind of person I am. It's hard anymore, to tell what I want. I want to hide but I want to go out there and live. I want to dance but I want to hide in the corner. I want to be shy but I don't at the same time. I'm just confused. I feel like... I did a few years ago, where I didn't know who I was or what I wanted anymore.
I want Rath, I know that much. Even if she confuses me, sometimes hurts me with how she is... Despite all that, I still want her. But I hate how she can get sometimes. That makes us even, doesn't it? Because there are things about me she hates.
I'm confused a lot lately. I feel God with me, but calling me at he same time. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm working too much, that's for sure. But I'll keep working, and keep working, because I need the money. If I want to see her, I have to get the money. That's all there is to it.
But every moment longer I spend sitting in that chair, my patience and "sanity" waver a little bit more. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this mask. I'm even getting tired of teaching the kids...
I was looking at my legs today. There are scars on them, some that I have no clue where they came from. Thin little pink lines, on my upper thighs. Two on my left leg, one on my right leg. They just showed up. They're not cuts anymore, and if they were before, I didn't notice them. The two I noticed today might have come from me scratching at my legs. I don't mean to, but everyonce in a while they just itch really bad. One day at work, the chlorine irritated them so much that my thighs were RED and -lined- with nail marks by the time I climbed out of the water. They faded within half an hour, but still.
Some nasty bruises on my legs, too, that I'm not entirely sure where they came from. Save for the one on my knee, which I got from slamming my knee against the wall at work.
I have to go back to work in half an hour... Teach a couple classes, then guard until close... *sigh* I'll update at the Garden after that.
So at some point, my tagboard started working again o.o The silly thing. I'm not really sure what I'm here to say today.
Sometimes it seems like my empathy is taking itself to entirely new levels of tapping into other people's lives. Such as allowing me to feel when they're sick, or in physical pain. My stomach twists and turns, but I'm not sick. I cough and I'm dizzy, but for no apparent reason. Maybe I am sick, and it's just something so deep within my body that I haven't figured out what it is yet, but it's really odd.
I definitely need to get my proporieties straight, these last 7 days of school. Can't be letting Achaea distract me right now, even if I enjoy the game. It's a lot of fun, and it's almost like that world I always dreamed of being in, but it's still not real. I'm so silly.
Right now, I've constructed a playlist filled with certain songs that just seem to fit. It's "Coming Clean" by Hillary Duff, "The Reason" by Hoobastank, "Even Angels Fall" from 10 Things I Hate About You, "Possession" and "Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan, "I'm Alright" and "Bouncing off the Walls Again" by Sugarcult, "In The End" by Linkin Park, "Running Away" and "Crawling in the Dark" also by Hoobastank, "Innocent" by Our Lady Peace, "Broken" by Seether and Amy Lee (Sp? Another song Rath addicted me to), aaand... the last song, on a much lighter note, "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by The Darkness.
Random lyrics.
"Possesion" by Sarah McLachlan
Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
the night is my companion, and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive
And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Into this night I wander
it's morning that I dread
another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread
oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
Cos nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes...
I guess I'm not really sure if this is one of those songs where when I sing along, I'm singing it to someone, or if it's one of those songs I'd love to have someone sing to me. I'm so strange sometimes.
I really need to stop getting so jealous over silly, petty things. It's not like I'm going to die without her, so I don't understand why I get so jealous. It's not like me. That, and I should know better than to let things uspet me to the point of wanting to withdraw entirely into myself and let Hoshi take over for a few days.
I would have done just that, if I weren't a little afraid of what she'd say to some people.
A surpringly dark thought that crossed my mind last night was that I'm really envious of the people that -can- cut themselves, just because they can. Sometimes I want to, though for the most part I don't. It's more or less that even if I always wanted to, I couldn't. My job requires me to be in a bathing suit, which means everyone gets to see all of my legs, all of my arms, a good portion of my back... And an annoying big bit of cleavage. And I'm not going to cut myself on my chest or on my stomach. Then, at the same time, I'm angry at myself for even thinking things like that. I thought I'd left such childishness behind me.
Then I ask myself if I'm feeling my own emotions when I think like that, and I realize that I am. And it scares me. I don't want to fall back to how I was, and I don't want to be a burden for Rath. As I just said to her on the phone, sometimes I think I'm far too timid for her.
Ano... I only slept for 6 and a half hours last night, but because I slept for so long yesterday and the day before, last night felt like forever. I woke up a couple times, once to answer the phone. Other times because it felt like I'd been sleeping for too long. Felt like I should've been up and at school already.
I need to work on the whole eating healthier thing. I did eat a decently healthy dinner last night. Just a cold ham sandwich, on wheat bread, and a small salad. It was actually surprisingly filling. I guess Ms. Reynolds was right when she said that wheat bread is more filling than white bread *shrug*
More lyrics~
"I'm Alright" by Sugarcult
Don't wanna be here.
Repeating a new year.
Don't wanna let you down.
'Cause i'm in a new town.
Surrounded by let downs.
I don't wanna let you down.
I'm alright.
I'm gonna make it.
Even if i gotta fake it
I'm alright
I'm gonna make it.
Even if i gotta break it.
I'm alright.
I'm in a new place.
And you're now in my face.
I don't wanna let you down.
And i need my distance.
'Cause i'm feeling selfish.
I don't wanna let you down.
I'm alright.
I'm gonna make it.
Even if i gotta fake it.
I'm alright
I'm gonna make it.
Even if i gotta break it.
I'm alright.
I'm just a memory of everything i'll ever be.
I'm gonna make it now.
Always...let you down.(3x)
I'm alright.
I'm gonna make it.
Even if i gotta fake it.
Im alright.
I'm gonna make it.
Even if i gotta break it.
I'm alright.
Don't wanna be here.
Repeating a new year.
I'm alright.
Don't wanna let you down.
I'm in a new town.
Surrounded by let downs.
Don't wanna let you down.
Then random pieces from the other songs...
"I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know"
and
"I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you"
Above from "The Reason" by Hoobastank
"Help me carry on
Assure me its ok to
Use my heart and not my eyes
To navigate the darkness
Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?
Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?"
"Crawling in the Dark" Hoobastank
"I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name
Let me stay where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops, as they're falling, tell a story"
"Imaginary" by Evanescense
And I'd more, but I need to go get ready for school and finish my government and over various pieces of homework that were due a while ago. Someone should smack me and make sure I'm concentrating on homework, from now on. At least until the end of the school year. Only four days and three days of finals left. That's all I have to get through, that's all...
Ah, one last thing. Told Mom about Rath, Rath is now what my Mom blames my lack of sleep, falling grades, bad attendance, and etc. for. It's almsot funny, but she says that I'm confused and that I don't really love her. I do love Rath, there's no disputing that. I. love. her. The only person I've ever and probably will ever love more is God. Well, and Jesus. Ya'll know what I mean @.@ I just love her. My mom can't stop me from meeting her... I'm going to meet her eventually, no matter what. Hopefully soon. But I've been so weird lately, and I want to apologize for it, because I don't know what's up with me... I'm going to go rest though, and Hoshi's going to go through the day for me. She cares about the people who mean the most to me, so I know she won't cause -too- much trouble.
[Near, far, wherever you are... (5-23-04)]
Again, I have no time for an update. I feel bad though. My patience is just not here today ~.~ And I don't want anything to do with my family right now. I just want to talk to Rath, but when I got the chance to talk to her, I was arguing with Jackie about who needed to shower first.
Rawr.. I downloaded "My Heart Will Go On" last night, for Rath-chan because she wanted me to send it to her, and now I'm listening to it. Funny how I still have it memorized when I haven't listened to it in 2-3 years *amused*
Didn't add the last journal post to the old posts page.. Still haven't fixed the tagboard... Will soon though, I promise. Maybe tonight. I don't want school tomorrow, or ever again.
I'm far too afraid of things. Of people, of situations. It's pretty sad that instead of telling my mom about Rath, I'd much rather never ever let her know until after she can't do anything about it. I'm going to tell her anyway though, because it needs to be done.
Rath, I'm sorry about earlier, and I love you, much more than words could ever even begin to express.
[Dime princesa de hielo... (5-19-04)]
I don't have a lot of time to update, but I knew I needed to. Quickly, I'll touch on the Con.
It was fun, though I ended up thinking far too much in the end. Sometimes I really do hate myself, for the stupidest, most petty reasons in the world. But I can't seem to stop, or change how I feel. I'm not going to worry about it at the moment.
I feel so much... hatred and annoyance right now. I know some of the annoyance is coming from -me-, but I'm not sure if the hatred is mine or if it's just coming from the people that I know, and pushing in on my own emotions. Stupid empathy.
Another realization that I had last weekend at the convention was that... there really are three parts to who I am. Hoshi is different from me entirely, but then I am split into two parts. Not necessarily two different people, as it feels at times (for a grand total of three running around in my head), so much as... just a different part of me. Jami and Kaiya, to make things easy on myself. Jami is the one who wanted to dance, who feels negative emotions towards others. Kaiya was the one hiding in the corner, wanting to be back in the hotel room, and more than that, the one wanting to be somewhere where she could at least talk to Rath.
Kaiya is the emotional one, feeling everything, whereas Jami doesn't feel so much.
Confused anyone yet? I've confused myself.
~.~ Need to get out of the house, tired of the yelling. Yeah, I know the tagboard doesn't work. I'll fix it later.
[Hard to find a place where there are no walls... (5/8/04)]
*sigh* I don't even know where to start. I've been trying to ignore my thoughts, letting myself drown in Achaea, but that game can only distract you from reality for so long. It is good for that, though. Distracting you from reality...
I feel horrible. Again, I really, really don't want to guilt her or -anything-, but I feel like absolute shit. I should not feel like absolute shit simply because of how I am. I'm nice, yes. Sometimes overly nice, to the point where people can walk all over me, thus why there was a joke between Hani and I about her being a couch and me being a rug.
~_~ Would she rather I weren't nice? Would she rather I didn't constantly ignore the kindling darkness buried deep down in the pits of my soul? Would she rather I were bitchy and rude and a complete asshole to everyone? Would she prefer that I not try to make people happy?
I'm only human, nothing more and nothing less. Every human has the potential to be good, every human has the potential to be bad. If you are good, you still have darkness lingering within you. Just because I push it away and ignore it, and shout at the thoughts to go away, and just because I can supress it pretty damn well doesn't mean it isn't there.
Sometimes, my own thoughts are so dark that they disgust me, and even bring me to tears. I know they're my thoughts, too, not the thoughts of someone else that I'm accidentally picking up due to my empathy.
I'm so confused. And hurt. And I don't know. I just want to be there, with her, to hold her and hug her and do -something- other than sit here, helpless and alone, trying so hard to be a lover to her, and a friend to everyone else that I push out my own thoughts and dismiss my won problems.
Everyday it's harder to ignore that little part of me, the dark part, that isn't Hoshi. That is me. It's getting harder and harder, and sometimes I'm amazed I haven't lost what little sanity I have left, yet.
I am me, and though I'm not sure how much longer I can keep control of myself, me is all I'll ever be. I just hope it's good enough, and that my supposed kindness wouldn't hurt her...
[Don't be afraid to say it - the words that you might tell me, could never hurt me oh no...(5/5/04)}
Okay, so I have about three minutes to update and then go update the main page, but that's okay because I can get a lot out when I type. The song is B�a's "Deeply" and for some reason it fits sometimes. However, now I've got Sugarcult's "Bouncing off the Walls Again" playing, and o.o I love that song. Ooo, and now it's Sarah McLachlan's "Fallen" which also always fits.
*hum* I'm not quite sure what there is to say. Right now I'm trying so hard to cling to the motivation to do better, to be a better person, to do my work, to do what I'm going to need to do if I ever want to complete my life's goals.
However, no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, I can't concentrate. My mind always drifts to her, unless I'm talking to her, and then I just wish I were with her. Hum... I'm looking forward so much to the day that I'm with her.
I'm not going to wake up in the morning anymore and think, "Another day without her." I'm going to wake up and think, "One day over, so that's one day less that I spend without her."
Little things like that can make all the difference in the world.
Quickly, I want to go over a dream I had this morning while I was half-asleep. I was laying there, pretty much asleep, with just a tiny, tiny grasp on reality still. In the dream, I was driving, and I was tired in the dream - as tired as I was this morning. And I turned a corner, and all of a sudden I was driving down a hill, and into the river. But it was like I hadn't been driving. My body felt too heavy to move, and I felt the car sinking, sinking, sinking... But there was nothing I could do. Couldn't open my mouth, scream, move, couldn't do anything except for breath and watch the water swallow me and the car... It was so strange.
[Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world... (4/30/04)]
Well, look at that. I'm updating again. Normally I don't have so much going through my mind, or at least that's what I thought. Looking back, it seems I updated my livejournal a lot, too. But all those things are completely besides the point, and I just want to talk now, while I have time.
Technically, I'm already supposed to be at school. Told Mr Reynolds I'd come make up that quiz I missed, this morning, but I'll just have to make plans to come do it another time. Or I'll go in a little later, it shouldn't matter too much.
I'm still angry at myself for last night. For confusing her, for upsetting her, for everything. Well, not necessarily angry so much as a, "*sighs and groans, slamming her head into the nearest wall*" type of thing. I feel like such a moron.
I really do need to stop trying to convey my emotions to people. It works well in real life, because people are in the same room with me. I guess it just doesn't work as well over long distances with people who aren't empaths. All the same, I need to stop being so shy, I need to say what I want, what's on my mind, and I need to stop being so... silly. About everything.
Anyway... Hum, I wanted to touch on yesterday's events. At first, the day started out okay. Normal family chaos that made me giggle and twitch at the same time. Guess the giggling was me and the twitching was Hoshi. Hoshi, who's probably going to have to get me through the day today. Because no, no I'm not well. No, I don't think I'll be well anytime soon, just because I'm far too weak and the funeral affected me way too much - way more than I was willing to let on yesterday. Yesterday I was glad to be home and shoved everything away, and it only got worse. I shouldn't have done that.
I hate how in funerals, everything is so solemn. But more than that, I hate how when someone is dead, they look like they're just about to open their eyes and sit right up in the coffin. I hate that a lot.
Okay, so at first, everything was fine. There was family together-ness, but eventually we all drifted apart, and... I drifted into thought. At first it started out innocently enough, trying to remember my Great Grandma from my childhood. It seemed kind of rude of me, to be there, on the verge of tears for someone who I couldn't remember for the life of me, other than attending her 90th birthday party last year. When everyone was telling stories, in remembrance, it just got to me, though, and I started to cry (and from the stories they told, she reminded me so much of my Grandma...). But anyway, yeah, I drifted into thought. Memories wouldn't come, though, and they still won't. It's like they're not even there.
Then, I tried to think of something to help me pull myself together. So, I thought of Rath. Rath, while I was at a funeral.
My mind is that of an artist's, but at times, it's horribly mathmatical.
Thinking = Rath
Location = Funeral
Soon Thinking = Going to a Funeral for Rath
Needless to say, this made me worse than I was before. I hate my mind and how one thought can so easily lead to another. I won't go into detail about what my mind came up with, but... If I'd been anywhere else, I would've curled up in the nearest corner of the room and just... stayed there, shaking, rocking back and forth, because that's how badly torn my emotions were after a little while. Not just from getting mental images of what it'd be like to attend her funeral, but from trying to bring up memories so intent on staying where I can't reach them, and from thinking of what it'd be like for my Nana to die (didn't mention that above... But that was there, too), and, let's not forget, the rush of sadness at being in a room of 100 or so people who all lost somewhere they cared about greatly.
Oh, and of course, we were in a church. I felt familiar rushes of guilt, and while I felt insanely inspired from being in a church, and from hearing about someone so obviously good, everything was still just... rawr. My emotions are still haywire.
We went and visited my Great Gramma McClone while we were up there, too. She's so cute. She's so little, but her spirit is so large it fills the room. I've never met someone with so strong a spirit, so strong a will, so strong a heart... It was amazing. While I was there, I didn't feel like I had before. She was soothing, calming, and everything... You could feel God in her, and you could feel her faith in God.
Oh, and switching subjects again, I thought about my own death, and my own funeral, as well. There were so many things that went through my mind that I can't remember them all now. However, I did decide one thing.
First, I don't want to be buried. I want to be cremated and tossed into the ocean.
Second, I want everyone to wear jeans to my funeral. No fancy black stuff! *shake fist*
Third, I want Pita Ten's "Wake Up Angel" playing throughout my funeral. I don't want a bunch of crying, solemn people. *firm nod*
And I think I'm rambling now, and none of this probably makes much sense.
Rath, I'm really sorry about yesterday. I'm really sorry in general, for all the times I've done this to you. It's so easy for me to become emotionally torn, and I get confused, like I am now. Someday I promise my mental state will be better, I promise. I love you, so much, and if I had a place in heaven, I would switch places with you and burn in your place, so you wouldn't have to. I'll try my hardest not to do what I was doing last night again.
It can't be that hard to just say what I want, I hope.
...
Please God, I know I'm sinning. But give me the strength to keep going, and please, please forgive me. There's so much more I need to say, but here is not the place to say it.
[Just starting livin', that's the next thing on my list...(4/29/04)]
Okay, I don't know. Part of me wants to go on and on about the funeral and what went on in my mind during that time, but I'm too exhausted, both physically and mentally. However, there was a little voice in the back of my head that told me to check Rath's side before I went to bed (after I finished making dinner for Jackie), so I did. And I have to respond, because I know she's the only one who'll understand this and probably the only one who'll read it.
I'm sorry. I don't know what I want. Part of me thinks that maybe I was too young for this, that maybe I'm too confused for a relationship, but I'm not going anywhere, because I promised you I wouldn't. I'm sorry, I really am. I don't mean to play games. I... am too shy to tell you what I need, to tell you what I want, and I don't want to make things hard on you, and I don't mean to, but it seems I am anyway.
I'm sorry. I'm not well, and I don't know if I ever was. All I want is you, and for you to be happy. But all I'm doing is making it harder for you... I don't know what to do anymore, what to think, or anything. I promise I'll try to just tell you, from now on, but the only thing I can tell you right now is that I'm sorry, and that I don't want you to leave, and that I didn't mean to do this to you. Never meant to do this to you...
Christian? Some Christian I turned out to be. I'm filled with more sin than I thought myself possible of...
[I want to let go of all the pain I've held so long... (9/27/04)]
Well, first entry here. This journal is really going to be the one that I let everything out, in. I can only pray that no one ever finds it, unless given to them. And the only people I will ever give this to are the ones I trust with all my heart, or the ones who won't understand what is written here.
Anyway, time for the rantage. Right now, I feel completely alone. She's there, we're talking, RPing, she's said she loves me, and everything is just like it always is. But lately, she's felt so far away. It doesn't help that she's been like, 50 times more social than I am, even if it's only been with one person. I just feel... alone. She's mentioned before that she feels like I ignore her when I have other people around, but she does the same... and it hurts, more so because she mentioned to me that she felt ignored.
More than that, at the moment, though... I really want to cry. If people weren't surrounding me, I would cry. I really don't want to go to this funeral, because I'm sad for her death as it is, but it's only going to drag up memories. Memories I'd rather not relive.
I was talking with my mom the other day, and we figured out that I've repressed nearly all of my memories. I can remember almost NOTHING from my childhood. The only memories I can recall are those from age 10 and on, when we moved to Rockton, and even my memories from ages 10-12 are really, really fuzzy. Pictures and events, though, will make those memories flash through my mind. Bad memories. And then I'll dream of them. As if my dreams weren't bad enough, without memories I don't want to remember. I know it's not good for me to not remember, and I know that I should remember. I didn't realize they were repressed until Mom started asking me questions, asking if I remembered this or that, etc., and I realized that I didn't remember any of them. My memories of my childhood are few and very select.
A funeral -would- bring back memories, because I do, faintly, recall a funeral, and I can recall the emotions from that point in my life. They weren't happy. It seems all I can remember most of the time are emotions. Anger, sadness, hatred. I know I was violent, I know that my family was violent too, I know that things weren't well. But I can't remember more than that, and I'm not ready to remember those things yet.
Yes, I mourn for my Great Gramma, and I mourn for my family's loss, but I don't even know the people. I barely knew my Great Gramma. I don't recall spending time with her, other than seeing her at her 90th birthday last summer. I'll be spending two days with people I don't know, who think they know me, who're going to fawn over me, and say this and say that, and I'll be so lost and so confused, but I'll smile and I'll pretend. And all the while I'll want to be home - though, even at home, I'm only wishing to be somewhere else.
I want to cry, I want to scream, and for the first time in a very long time, I don't want to be here anymore. A familiar ache is blooming in my wrist, and I'm trying so hard to ignore it...
And I don't know what to say anymore, past this. My mind is swirling with words, but I'm too scared to write anymore.