Kira Ashtear (10:38:32 AM): kjbnkj

Auto response from AshenWinterCK (10:38:32 AM): Waha. I'm sleeping. Call me if you want me, though, cell phone's next to the bed. Should be up around 9:30-ish, hopefully. Maybe 10:30 at the latest.

Kira Ashtear (10:40:12 AM): *stretch*
Kira Ashtear (10:40:36 AM): Will reply, and then o.o go get breakfast
Kira Ashtear wants to directly connect (10:40:41 AM).
Kira Ashtear is now directly connected (10:40:44 AM).
AshenWinterCK (10:40:48 AM): And then I will skippy-skip
Kira Ashtear (10:41:02 AM): o.o oh, you wanted to skip?
Kira Ashtear (10:41:14 AM): I was just going to in the reply
AshenWinterCK (10:41:19 AM)
: o.o Oh, you can
AshenWinterCK (10:41:29 AM): I thought you meant reply without skipping
AshenWinterCK (10:41:35 AM): ^^ I don't like skipping anywho
Kira Ashtear (10:41:39 AM): weirdo x3
Kira Ashtear (10:42:07 AM): how long were we skipping? Year? Two?
AshenWinterCK (10:42:15 AM)
: I think two is more fitting
Kira Ashtear (10:42:18 AM): Okay
Kira Ashtear (10:43:48 AM): Kira Ashtear (12:21:14 AM): *manages to stay away, forcing his body past it's limitations past sunset, and before much longer, he sinks back against the tree, his guardian nature collapsing in tired heritage into slumber, still facing Anora's room, in a futile attempt to stay awake to guard and observe her, his staff lynig beside his prone form as he sleeps unbelievably heavy for a Draconis *
AshenWinterCK (12:25:29 AM): *when he ventures to Anora's window and glances out of it, manages to spot Draconis, and notes that he's sleeping, before he turns to Anora, who stands behind him, watching him curiously* Anora, we're going to be leaving here tonight.

Anora: *blinks up at him, confused, and tilting her head to the side* Why, Silas?

Because it's not safe for us here anymore. *with a faint smile, and he leans down to hug her lightly, and she..*

Anora: *responds warmly to the hug, snuggling up against him and hugging him back, beaming at him when he pulls away, before she nods* Alright. Why not?

I can't tell you that now. But we need to get ready, and we need to go, quickly. *smiles at her as he says it, though his eyes carry a bit of the pain he actually feels at doing this, but he ignores this, and she must not notice it, because they both get ready to leave, Silas helping Anora to gather what she'll need, as well as gathering his own things together, and when they're ready, they leave, quickly, meaning to travel as far as possible, as soon as possible*
*when he woke, late into the morning, he starts awake, quickly looking about himself, and he searches the premises with a muttered oath, before setting off to track them*

*~. Two years later .~*
*he had found them ages ago, but he makes no moves to let them know he's there, keeping a stoic distance, and simply keeping his eyes on them, reporting to Braun all the falsities necessary to keep Braun from ordering him to take her, his excuses easy and mannered, though Braun will probably find out if he delays much longer; if you want to have this be a Braun meeting or something with Silas, either will do and is up to you o.o*

AshenWinterCK (10:45:01 AM): :: >> I'm not as fond of Braun, so will get that over with. But the question is, is Braun coming to him again, or is Draconis going to Braun?
Kira Ashtear (10:46:35 AM): :: Doesn't matter o.o If you'd like him to, he can >> And it's nothing to do with fondness so much as it just occured to me as something else we can do
AshenWinterCK (10:47:11 AM): :: ^^ I figured, but I'm just saying why I'll get Braun over with first x3; it's fun to have them argue, but I'm not very fond of him in general
Kira Ashtear (10:47:24 AM): :: XD You're not supposed to be
AshenWinterCK (10:47:28 AM): X3*
Kira Ashtear direct connection is closed (10:47:37 AM).
AshenWinterCK (10:47:43 AM): :: ^^ Yeah, I figured, ya know, he's only the bad guy
AshenWinterCK (10:50:01 AM): Braun: *that night, when Silas and Anora would have settled down to sleep, well-hidden though without the use of magic, he can be found flying above the area where Draconis is, which is presumably some ways away from where Silas and Anora are* ~Draconis. There's a clearing not too far from where you are now. I suggest you go there.~ *calmly, in Draconis' mind, and said clearing is where he moves to, and lands, movements hidden by the darkness of the night*
Kira Ashtear (10:53:06 AM): *doesn't reply to him, casting an easy net of sleep over his wards and going to seek him out, picking his way there without much trouble and he customarily bows as he comes before Braun, ebony glinting in the gray mist that is Dragonic nightsight* /Another visit, I see. To what do I owe the honors, Minister?/ *with a finely raised eyebrow; it's either his yearly report or Braun figured out that Draconis had been lying*
AshenWinterCK (10:54:06 AM): :: What exactly would Draconis have been telling Braun? So I know what the lie is and what it wouldn't be?
Kira Ashtear (10:55:49 AM): :: Oh, that Anora hadn't shown signs of connecting with her Dragon magic (she's not actually connected to it yet, fully, but she's discovered it, and that would be a sign that she'll need to be taken soon), and he's been telling him that she's not showing any sign of committing to it for a year or so, buying Silas time, and then there's the lie about Silas o.o remembering him, and so on and so forth.
AshenWinterCK (10:56:42 AM): :: Would he have told Braun that they were travelling? Or would Braun have thought that they were still at the Elven village?
Kira Ashtear (10:57:18 AM): :: *ponder* Probably that they're just on some sort of pilgrimage or something, and not that they're running
Kira Ashtear (10:57:43 AM): :: also just striking me o.o you can have Silas hear this meeting if you'd like
AshenWinterCK (10:58:40 AM): :: *nodnod* *ponder* X3; I think this is the last question. How would Braun know that Draconis has been lying about Silas' memory? I assumed that as he got closer, he'd be able to sense Anora's magic, but Silas' memory is a bit different
Kira Ashtear (10:59:27 AM): :: That one is entirely up to you if Braun finds that out--he'd have to get it from Draconis' mind, and o.o I was just including that in the list of lies
AshenWinterCK (11:00:09 AM): :: okays~
AshenWinterCK (11:05:03 AM): Braun: *once Draconis is closer, it's easier to tell that he's not so calm as he might've seemed at first, and his eyes are narrowed at Draconis right off the bat* /I -was- coming to collect your yearly report... but upon getting closer, I noticed something odd. That the girl is indeed ready to begin her training, and must have been for a while now, at least. Why did you say she wasn't? or why did you not contact me when it became apparent that she was?/ *with a low growl, released with one of his breaths*

*for some reason, he stirred awake, and he likely notices the extra presence, which leads him to investigate* *upon finding Braun and Draconis, he frowns, slipping behind a tree to listen and watch, with no intention yet of revealing himself* [What's this..?]

Kira Ashtear (11:06:43 AM): *he regards him calmly, unflinchingly* /I feel she can put off training longer. It's been two years. Had I wanted to, I could've begun her training then. I'm waiting for something./ *with a shrug, he dismisses the concern* /She's not at the point I want her to be at./
AshenWinterCK (11:09:21 AM): Braun: /We are not, Draconis, waiting for when this is convenient for you. You should have begun training her two years ago, as you could have! You don't know how this will affect her in the end - we've never had anyone like her before!/ *obviously not pleased with him, and he gives an irritated breath, peering down at Draconis*

[He's been.. waiting?] *surprised when he hears this, but of course he can't say or do anything about it, because he'd reveal himself if he did*

Kira Ashtear (11:11:52 AM): *looks away from him, gaze narrowing at something indistinct off to the side, and it happens to be where Silas is, but Draconis cannot see him; it's coincidence* *while his tone remains mild and complacent, his human features display annoyance, placating irritation, and lingering below, guilt and pain for what he knows he'll have to do before long now* /I don't see why I need to remove her before she's shown herself fully conscious of the magic. It's too early./
AshenWinterCK (11:18:11 AM): Braun: *already suspecting Draconis of lying, he's taken the liberty to poke around in his mind, and he doesn't reply right away, curiously chasing after the guilt and pain to discover why he would feel such, and this is likely how he ends up discovering that Silas remembers, and it's then that he finally replies, a low, dangerous growl leaving him* /Too early for who, Draconis? For you, for her, or for him? You're delying the inevitable. It's pointless. And why did you not -tell- me that the Elf remembers?/ *seems one step from all out hitting Draconis, but he knows it wouldn't be proper, and thus, he doesn't o.o yet*

*started when Draconis looked over to where he is, and he draws in a breath to steady himself, because he's fairly certain he's hidden well enough not to be seen, and Draconis didn't react when he looked over, so..*

Kira Ashtear (11:21:04 AM): *a low growl escapes him, colors of red outrage rising at Braun's boldness in proding around his mind, and he flicks his gaze sharply to him* /I didn't think it was necessary. The report consists of the girl, and of my findings of her father./ *a brief pause, then, curtly* /And it's too early for her. She can stand to wait longer, so I won't have to pry her from him. I don't need a child unwilling to listen to me because she thinks I'm some sort of beast kidnapping her./
AshenWinterCK (11:24:15 AM): Braun: /You didn't find it necessary to inform me that something concerning me had gone wrong? How convenient for you. And Draconis, don't be ridiculous. He's not family to her, and she's a child. She'll likely be happy enough so long as someone is paying attention to her. And she would be happier among her own kind as it is. Are you trying to save yourself trouble with her, or are you trying to protect that damn Elf again?/ *doesn't hesitate in moving closer to him, a strong gust of warm breath hitting Draconis as he does so, his own colors matching Draconis', though for different reasons*
Kira Ashtear (11:27:50 AM): *knocked back with the gust, connecting solidly with a tree not far behind him, and he exhales the air in his lungs in a cough, a slight scowl marking his features as he refuses to rub the back of his head for it hitting the tree, out of his stubborn nature, and one hand lingers back against the tree, as his gaze remains narrowed on Braun* u.u /He is the only family she has, and I'm not ready to tear her away from that. As for her being better among her own kind.. She -has- no particular kind, or did you forget that, your majesty? You've never had a creature quite like her before. Humans will hunt her to kill her, Elves will remain impartial as they always do, and Dragons will ridicule her wherever she goes--if not react openly hostile to her. /
AshenWinterCK (11:32:44 AM): Braun: /At least Dragons understand that magic that is flowing through her. That cannot be said of Elves or Humans, and if it cannot be said of Elves in general, it cannot be said of -your- Elf either./ *growls once more, glaring yet at him* /Now, tell me, Draconis. Give me one good reason not to take this task away from you, and not to simply take her, and leave her in the hands of a Dragon who listens to his or her orders?/
Kira Ashtear (11:35:00 AM): *boldly moves towards him, glaring up at him, his human legs carrying him firmly to just some five or ten paces from Braun* /Because she won't adhere to them. At least I have human form, I can soothe her in that manner. If you thrust her into an entirely new species, you'll regret it later. She won't want to listen, she won't understand why you've done this thing, or even that you are./ *short pause* /She'll likely just resent you for it, and grow stubborn against what you're trying to teach her./
AshenWinterCK (11:38:10 AM): Braun: /And you really think, Draconis, that she'll "adhere" to you, simply because you have human form? Do you eve know how to deal with a child? You don't quite seem the type to soothe a child when they wake from a nightmare, Draconis./ *with another, faint growl, not liking that Draconis moved forward again, but not taking action against him*

*remains where he is, crouched and hidden, listening to them, but he's realized by now that if he left to try and get away from Draconis right -now-, they'd both probably notice them*

Kira Ashtear (11:41:56 AM): /We will have to see then, won't we./ *almost bittenly, gaze narrowed yet, and he's faintly pleased to wash the haze of pain away from his head* /She will adjust better to my appearance, than she would to yours. Besides, you cannot spare the time to raise her and to train her. Who else could? To spend maybe a year to be dedicated to one task? Dragons don't have that sort of patience./ *added on, moodily* /I'm your exception, you saw fit to make me so, to give me a chance to escape imprisonment and to consent to do your work. I do your work, and follow your orders, but I -will- get it done properly on my own terms. You don't know how to handle Humans, or Elves, or any other species for that matter, Minister. Leave it to me, and it will be done as I see fit./
AshenWinterCK (11:47:44 AM): Braun: *one more low, rumbling growl escapes him, angered that Draconis would dare to speak to him as such, and this time, he has no issues with reaching out and knocking him aside with a hand* /Don't you -dare- speak to me like that, boy. You do our work, you follow our orders, and you will get it done. Sometimes, on your own terms, and sometimes, on our's. No more waiting, Draconis. It's been long enough./ *by no more waiting, he means o.o not to put off taking her any longer* /I will call for you again in a year's time, for your report, and if you know what's good for you, you will not be hiding anything from me when the time comes./ *pauses only to see what Draconis' response will be, but he intends on leaving now*

Silas: *started when he outright struck Draconis, though he resists the urge to go out there, reminding himself that Draconis is o.o; trying to take away Anora, for one, and for two, that Braun would not be pleased to see him*

Kira Ashtear (11:53:21 AM): *grunted with the impact, knocked hard with it, his fragile human flesh connecting with tree and then ground, and he growls, lowly, pain splitting within his head and he mutters, "Of course, your majesty." though he does not apologize for his words, yet he doesn't move, a lip having split from the sheer force of it, because o.o Braun is a Dragon, and he just stays where he is, more or less stunned for a moment, a hand raising to stop his spinning head, and he seems to moodily discover certain agonizing motions indicating some more than likely broken things, and he mentally mutters irately at his fragile human body, though with a full day's rest, they'll be healed by Dragonmagic; for the sake of love of the book, he'll have a broken rib or three, and a broken arm :sagenod: like when trying to squish Graul* [ ... x.x; ] *XD If he weren't a Draconis, he'd be like, "Ow."*
AshenWinterCK (11:54:42 AM): :: Anything more with that? * eye "Has entered text" thing*
Kira Ashtear (11:54:52 AM): :: sorry, accidently hit tab
Kira Ashtear (11:54:54 AM): :: nada mas
AshenWinterCK (11:54:56 AM): :: ^^ s'otay
AshenWinterCK (11:56:59 AM): Braun: *glares down at him for a moment, watching him with no hidden amount of dislike and displeasure, but after that moment is over, he takes flight, vanishing into the night sky*

*waits until he's certain that Braun is gone before he comes out from behind the tree he was in, to stand in plain sight, though if Draconis doesn't see him for being distracted with his wounds, he'll likely turn around and leave, half of him wanting to have done that in the first place, but o.o; he couldn't just let himself do that, without at least trying to see if Draconis is okay*

Kira Ashtear (12:00:41 PM): *groans, pushing himself to sit up slowly, wincing with the pain and his eyes narrow in an attempt to focus, doing all this when Silas steps into view, and he frowns faintly, before nodding just slightly, in understanding, muttering, "I see" as he carefully begins setting his arm, barely pushing back nausea, though nearly just after he casts the healing spell, which weakly and loosely holds everything together, he retches, shaking his head slowly as he mutters a curse about human bodies, damning it irritably before looking back to Silas, face drawn with pain* (Served me right. Got a little too beligerant--need to remember he's my Father, and it gives him right to hit me; human form or no.)
AshenWinterCK (12:03:48 PM): *hesitates at seeing the look on his face, before he walks over to him, crouching next to him, and refraining from reaching out to him, not knowing where he's injured, and not wanting to hurt him* ... Is there anything I can do to help? *Jeez, Silas. He's gonna take away the girl you've been taking care of, and what do you do? Ask him if he needs help, of course. Man, my characters are silly sometimes*
Kira Ashtear (12:04:16 PM): :: Bah, it's not like it's Draconis' fault, you weenie.
AshenWinterCK (12:04:24 PM): :: X3 I know, I was being silly
Kira Ashtear (12:06:07 PM): *shakes his head, gently proding at his own ribs, to discover which are broken, before he murmurs, "No, Silas, I'm fine." and after a faint pause, he amends, "I'll be fine."* (So I have to take the girl. ... u.u I can put it off a day or two more, and blame him for breaking my ribs. *mental glower XD; * )
AshenWinterCK (12:07:48 PM): :: Oooo, invisible sand!
AshenWinterCK (12:07:51 PM): :: *snuggle*
Kira Ashtear (12:07:58 PM): :: *laugh*
Kira Ashtear (12:08:01 PM): :: Not done yet~
AshenWinterCK (12:08:10 PM): :: Ooer!
AshenWinterCK (12:09:46 PM): *nods, watching him quietly, before he shifts to sit next to him, hardly refraining from sighing lightly, and though they're are a million questions on his mind, he doesn't ask any of them outloud yet, simply there to keep him company for a little bit because he's hurt, not make it worse by questioning him* ( Wonder how long it's been since he found us..? )
AshenWinterCK (12:10:01 PM): :: *sway* Holy..
Kira Ashtear (12:10:08 PM): :: n.n Done.
AshenWinterCK (12:10:23 PM): :: ^^ *lovelove* You're the bestest
Kira Ashtear (12:10:39 PM): :: hee *wag* n.n *lovebackloveback*
Kira Ashtear (12:12:50 PM): *a soft, faint chuckle escapes him; he XD worked on keeping it soft and faint, because he doesn't want to irritate his ribs, and his gaze briefly flickers to Silas* /Go ahead and ask; you deserve it. And as for that one, a long time ago./ [ For everything I'm going to have to do to you.] *answers in his own language, because talking requires breathing, and breathing hruts*
Kira Ashtear (12:12:52 PM): hurts**
AshenWinterCK (12:15:14 PM): *blinks up at him, and he shakes his head, a faint smile tugging at the corner's of his lips* /I see. But you know, I'm not quite sure I want the answers to all of them. Like what you're going to do to her, and how much will it hurt her? I think I might be better off not knowing. And where you'll take her, I can't know that one, or I'll come after her./ *knows very well he could have responded out loud, but it felt natural enough to reply like this, and so he did*

:: Aaand I have to go now

Kira Ashtear (12:15:20 PM): :: Okays~
Kira Ashtear (12:15:22 PM): :: <3
AshenWinterCK (12:15:31 PM): :: ^^ Smooches! Talk to you later hun
Kira Ashtear (12:15:35 PM): :: byes~
Kira Ashtear is idle at 12:30:33 PM.
Kira Ashtear is no longer idle at 1:05:27 PM.
Kira Ashtear is away at 1:08:38 PM.
Kira Ashtear returned at 1:13:39 PM.
Kira Ashtear is away at 1:14:30 PM.
Kira Ashtear signed off at 1:44:24 PM.
Kira Ashtear signed on at 1:46:34 PM.
Kira Ashtear returned at 3:21:20 PM.
Kira Ashtear is idle at 3:32:43 PM.
Kira Ashtear signed off at 4:00:39 PM.
Kira Ashtear signed on at 4:01:56 PM.
Kira Ashtear is idle at 4:01:56 PM.

Session concluded at 4:25:18 PM
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Kira Ashtear (4:26:28 PM): Hello, peaches
AshenWinterCK (4:26:32 PM): hey you!
Kira Ashtear (4:26:53 PM): How was work?
AshenWinterCK (4:27:47 PM): It was otay~ Talked with Max and Jessica, and watched the kiddies swim. They were cute, as usual. How're you doing?
Kira Ashtear (4:27:58 PM): Oh, I'm alright
Kira Ashtear (4:28:46 PM): �� Still irritatingly moody over Draconas. x.x I can't make it stop.
AshenWinterCK (4:29:28 PM): o.o You're really surprising me with it. I mean, I remember how you reacted when Sirius died, but this is worse. I was starting to wonder if there's more to it than just Draconas.
Kira Ashtear (4:29:41 PM): You know, I was wondering that too.
Kira Ashtear (4:29:46 PM): *ponder me*
AshenWinterCK (4:29:58 PM): o.o There's nothing else that comes to mind that's bothering you?
Kira Ashtear (4:30:12 PM): Well, there's something, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to discuss it.
AshenWinterCK (4:31:16 PM): Heh, somehow I had the feeling you were gonna say that. I won't make you discuss it or anything, though, and I couldn't make you if I tried.
Kira Ashtear (4:33:07 PM): Well, I think I blame it on listening to this song so much, but meh. It's just, sometimes I wonder if I'm fit for a relationship. I've been brooding over it for forever now, ever since I started a relationship. o.o; I think I've brought it up once or twice before in arguments. It's always something that we try to leave untouched, mostly because I don't want to hurt you. I just can't think of anything, but I started musing over it, because.. I mean, I don't treat you right. o.o; And therein lies the problem.
AshenWinterCK (4:37:29 PM): Hun, we both have our faults. Yeah, sometimes you get a little moody with me, but I don't think you don't treat me right. *ponder* I don't want to push aside your worries or anything... but I mean, neither of us have been in a relationship before. We only have our ideals on what a relationship should be to base it off of. I don't know if you ever gave much thought to what relationships should be like, but I did, so I have a general idea of what I think they should be like. No, this relationship doesn't fit that in some ways, but that's fine. All the same, I don't think there's any 'right' way, anymore, to o.o treat anyone. I mean, everyone's different. I don't always treat you right, either, in my opinion. As said, I don't want to push aside your worries like they don't mean anything, and I don't want to make this seem like it's a simple problem, but.. Answer me this, truthfully. Pause. Think about it. You've said it a million times before, but just think. Do you love me?
Kira Ashtear (4:39:18 PM): I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, and that's why I have to think. I don't know if I can stand treating you like I do. I'm rude to you, callous to you, heartless to you, I react quickly without thinking right towards you, I'm always too easy to anger, and I let my sarcasm get the best of me. I don't have ideals of a relationship. But a relationship takes two to make it work, and I'm not contributing at all.
AshenWinterCK (4:41:11 PM): Yeah, you're rude to me. You're callous to me. I wouldn't say you're ever heartless towards me.. You do do all of those things. But what about the things I do? I make mistakes, constantly, and half the time, when you're sarcastic or angry or rude, it's because I'm making mistakes. And I've been getting better, and even if it isn't the best way to fix something, you're helping me. You're helping me get stronger, and I certainly can't complain about that. Or I shouldn't, anyway, because I know I do sometimes.
Kira Ashtear (4:41:43 PM): It's not right, though.
Kira Ashtear (4:41:56 PM): I don't treat anyone like that, and I know people worse than you.
AshenWinterCK (4:42:31 PM): We have our moments, hun, when you get cold, and I get upset.. but what are those compared to the other moments? What are those compared to Prom, or even the first time we met?
Kira Ashtear (4:43:50 PM): I know. I know... But think about it. I'm acting cold more often now. Can't you feel it? We didn't spend much time laughing the past two weeks. It's like if we weren't doing something explicately couple-like, we weren't anything more than good friends. At least, that's how it felt to me. I shouldn't be so critical of you, but no matter how much I think to myself, and tell myself, I have yet to make myself stop. I love you, but I'm wondering if it's enough.
AshenWinterCK (4:45:03 PM): Yeah, a lot of the time it did just feel like we weren't anything more than good friends. Half the time, that's why I tried to get closer, but you just pushed me away. I kept trying so hard to not bother with it, though, because everyone's different..
AshenWinterCK (4:45:08 PM): Do you want us to end this?
Kira Ashtear (4:46:53 PM): I don't know. I don't know what I want, and I've never felt so strongly, purposefully indecisive in my life. I think, I think that I think I know it would be better, that we should, that I should step up and, as the romance songs sing, "let you go." But I always know, that with every fiber in my being, when presented with those words, and when faced with this choice, I can't decide. I don't want to decide.
AshenWinterCK (4:50:24 PM): I don't want you to let me go. That's the last thing I want. I don't know what to tell you, other than what I've said.. I mean, I love you. Three little typed words, and my heart aches and sings when I type them or when I say them, as pitifully romantic as that sounds. I would change anything and everything for you, if you flat out asked it. I don't know what else to say. If you want to end it, we can, if that's what you eventually decide. But I mean... I don't know what it would solve.
AshenWinterCK (4:50:56 PM): Unless we both discovered afterwards, that the past two years have been a lie, then it'd just leave both of us moody and... well. depressed, I'd imagine
Kira Ashtear (4:51:39 PM): I just know, that inside I feel that there's someone better for you. Whether you know it or feel it, I feel I know that there's someone better for you, someone who would do what's right for you.
AshenWinterCK (4:52:00 PM): I don't care about that. Do you want me?
Kira Ashtear (4:53:14 PM): Yes, I want you. But I know there's something better. I didn't feel it at the beginning of the relationship, but I can feel it now. I've always been acutely aware of my own senses and instincts. And I know there's better people out there, whether you want them or not, I know there's something wrong with how I treat you, and how I treat this relationship.
Kira Ashtear (4:54:23 PM): Not for me, God, let me be clear. I don't feel I'm fit for a relationship.
AshenWinterCK (4:55:14 PM): I don't care about the better people, I don't want anyone better.. I just want you.
Kira Ashtear (4:57:21 PM): But it's not right. There's something not right, and I can sense and feel it with everything I am. Do you know at times, I can't tell we're in a relationship? I can't see myself doing many things. I can't see myself living to be old. I can't see myself in a relationship, and I don't act like I am. I know I don't faulter when I say, "Well, I was talking to my girlfriend." And I know that I don't hesitate in saying and feeling, but it's just not right, and I want to get it sorted out before you move here and we only find out that it's not right, or something.
AshenWinterCK (4:58:19 PM): You can't tell... What do you feel when we kiss, or when we hug?
AshenWinterCK (4:59:25 PM): Do you feel nothing?
Kira Ashtear (5:00:30 PM): I don't know. I just can't tell anymore. It felt perfectly right at first, the most natural thing in the world. But I can't tell anymore. It doesn't feel the same as it first did. Things like that shouldn't be so brief.
AshenWinterCK (5:01:02 PM): So what changed..?
AshenWinterCK (5:01:24 PM): And what do you mean, brief?
Kira Ashtear (5:02:25 PM): I don't know. I don't know, please believe me, I don't know. It doesn't feel wrong, but it feels like I'm hugging my best friend. I love you, more than anything or anyone else. But it's only been two years. It should still feel perfect, it should still feel like heaven, it should still feel fresh and new. It should stay like that, for years and years and years.
AshenWinterCK (5:03:26 PM): And it doesn't to you? Not at all? It didn't feel perfect, like heaven, or anything like that, when I was clinging to you that night at my grandparents? Or when I kissed you in bed at your dad's?
Kira Ashtear (5:04:28 PM): I told you, it's not the same. I didn't feel like it did before, and I don't know why. I told you, something doesn't feel right. I know relationships aren't purely physical, I know, but there should be something physical, and it doesn't feel right.
Kira Ashtear (5:04:53 PM): The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but I don't know what else to do for you.
AshenWinterCK (5:05:25 PM): Honey, you say you love me more than anything or anyone else... But tell me now. Is it the love of a lover, or of a best friend? Can you see yourself marrying me?
AshenWinterCK (5:05:40 PM): Can you see yourself raising kids with me?
Kira Ashtear (5:06:13 PM): I can't see myself with anyone, I can't see myself doing anything. I can't see myself with anyone, and I never expected to be with anyone.
Kira Ashtear (5:06:22 PM): I never did, and that's why I was never in a relationship
Kira Ashtear (5:07:30 PM): I love you, more than anyone else, more than my mother, more than my sister, and probably nearly more than my father, but I can't see myself living long, having kids, or being sucessful, or marrying anyone, let alone sitting here, holding you back. God, I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to hold you back.
AshenWinterCK (5:07:53 PM): I know you can't see yourself living long
AshenWinterCK (5:08:07 PM): But could you? For me? Could you live until age took you? Honestly, truthfully, could you?
AshenWinterCK (5:08:24 PM): And it hurts like hell to ask you these, but I don't want to hurt you if we can't figure this out
Kira Ashtear (5:09:09 PM): I would do anything for you, but that's not the point. If I thought it would be right, if I thought it would be what should be properly done, then I wouldn't have started this conversation at all, but I don't think it's right, and I don't feel it's right to hold you back just because I'm afraid
Kira Ashtear (5:09:26 PM): It's not a 'I want to kill myself' thing--I just can't picture myself old.
AshenWinterCK (5:09:46 PM): Who can picture themselves old when they're young? I can't
AshenWinterCK (5:10:23 PM): And afraid of what?
Kira Ashtear (5:10:25 PM): I can't, and I can see many people around me old, I can't see me getting old. When I was driving home yesterday evening, I thought to myself, "Someday, I'm going to get into a huge accident. I don't know if I'll die or not, but I'm going to get into a huge accident someday. I hope no one else gets hurt."
AshenWinterCK (5:10:43 PM): You don't know that it's going to happen though
Kira Ashtear (5:10:45 PM): Afraid of hurting you.
Kira Ashtear (5:10:49 PM): I know, damnit.
Kira Ashtear (5:10:51 PM): I can tell.
AshenWinterCK (5:11:11 PM): No no no.. There's no way you can possibly KNOW...
Kira Ashtear (5:11:35 PM): I can feel it, I can sense it. Maybe I don't KNOW it, but I can feel it and sense it, with every fiber of me, I know I will.
Kira Ashtear (5:12:43 PM): That's not the point of this conversation though
AshenWinterCK (5:12:49 PM): Screw someone else getting hurt in the accident. You getting in an accident would hurt me and so many other people emotionally, so much, that it wouldn't even be funny. I don't know how you can say things like that.
Kira Ashtear (5:12:59 PM): I don't GIVE a fuck about that!
Kira Ashtear (5:13:05 PM): Damnit, that's not the point!
Kira Ashtear (5:13:16 PM): I don't care if I die, or anything like that. I'm not saying I will, damnit!
Kira Ashtear (5:13:30 PM): This isn't a fucking "I want to kill myself" thing!
AshenWinterCK (5:13:38 PM): I -know-! I understand that!
AshenWinterCK (5:14:00 PM): This is about the two of us, and you not sure if we should continue, for many reasons listed above
Kira Ashtear (5:14:49 PM): I've always been more acutely aware of hurting other people than I am of me being hurt. It's because I know I can stand anything, if I'm alive, that I can make it through anything. Some people aren't like that. Some people could die, and get hurt and things like that. That's how I can say things like that--I will always be alright.
Kira Ashtear (5:15:39 PM): But the point is, that I don't know what to do. I'm so confused over what I think I should do, and I know that if I just keep putting it off because I'm afraid of hurting you, I think that in the end we'll find out we're better off as friends or something, but I don't want to hurt you, and I don't know what to do.
AshenWinterCK (5:18:21 PM): If I have to tell the truth, I've wondered these things myself, too. I don't know, though, it doesn't seem right to not be with you. But maybe that's me being desperate and clingy. I love you, I know that. And I don't know what to do either. Do you think, right now, that we'd be better off as friends? Or are you afraid of finding that out in the future?
Kira Ashtear (5:19:00 PM): I'm afraid of both. I think we're going to find that out--not just afraid of some whimsical fear, but I think that's what's going to happen.
AshenWinterCK (5:20:12 PM): I'm trying, hard, to be logical about this. And... I don't know what to say, or what to think, or what to feel, or how to stop crying as it is. But I guess... Wouldn't the easiest way to figure this out, be to.. see how things are next weekend?
Kira Ashtear (5:20:36 PM): I don't know, but I already know, and I don't know how to explain that
Kira Ashtear (5:20:46 PM): I'm crying too, by the way
Kira Ashtear (5:20:49 PM): I just wanted you to know
AshenWinterCK (5:20:59 PM): You don't think we're meant to be together like this, do you?
AshenWinterCK (5:21:03 PM): And thanks for telling me. It means a lot
Kira Ashtear (5:21:10 PM): I don't think so
AshenWinterCK (5:21:24 PM): Can you call?
Kira Ashtear (5:21:31 PM): I can
AshenWinterCK (5:21:35 PM): Alright
Kira Ashtear is idle at 5:31:32 PM.
Kira Ashtear is no longer idle at 5:43:04 PM.
Kira Ashtear is away at 5:52:36 PM.

Session concluded at 8:02:32 PM
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AshenWinterCK (8:13:50 PM): And see, I know you're gonna tell me that it's not true, but I just can't help but keep wondering.. if the past 21 months meant nothing. But you'll tell me that's not true. I'm being silly.
Kira Ashtear (8:14:06 PM): I never said they meant nothing. I never said they were a lie.
Kira Ashtear (8:14:10 PM): I never said any of that...
AshenWinterCK (8:14:13 PM): I know
AshenWinterCK (8:14:19 PM): I'm not saying you did
AshenWinterCK (8:14:26 PM): That's just what keeps running through my head, but I know it's not true
Kira Ashtear (8:14:51 PM): Meh.
Session concluded at 8:18:50 PM
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