------------
-----------------
----------------------
------------
Eliwood: WARNING: 99 percent chance of randomness. Followed by a 78 percent chance of character death.
Erk: Since when are you a weatherman?
Eliwood: Since I decided I wanted to be one.
Erk: =sigh=
Erk sighed.
Erk: Huh?
"Huh?" Erk said, confused at the mysterious
words from nowhere.
Erk: What's going on, Arianna?
"I'm trying to not write this in script form!" said Arianna, frustrated that Erk kept
messing it up.
Erk: I don't like normal form. Script form is better.
"TOO BAD!" Arianna
yelled, "I'm writing it in normal form!" And she was going to do just
that, until Eliwood started whining.
Eliwood: I don't like it either!
"Grrr!" growled Arianna,
"Fine! I'll do half in normal form and half in script! Alright?" she
demanded.
Erk: Whatever.
Eliwood: Yippee!
Arianna sighed and said "Let's start this crazy fic. The first ever death fic in the humor section!"
Erk: It looks like it's gonna
be some whacked out version of 'Last FE Character Standing'.
------------
----------------
-------------------
---------
DISCLAIMER: MeFE=
NO, I DON'T OWN IT! Also, severe OOCness
for almost everyone. PG13 because of death and
violence.
---------------
--------------------
-----------------------
It was a lovely day. Eliwood's Elite was sitting
around eating their lunch. But then a big, dark cloud moved over their camp.
Lightning struck the ground. Then, Black Fang lackies
came running over the hill. And a fight started.
"Noooo!" cried Guy. "I haven't
finished my tuna fish sandwich yet!"
"Too bad." said Karel. "Tuna fish is ucky, anyways. If you were a real man, you'd eat peanut
butter and jelly!"
"PBJ is sick!" Guy replied. "Tuna fish kicks PBJ butt anyday!" Now, Karel wasn't
the type of man to just take an insult to his sandwich preference sitting down.
So he stood up. Then he drew his sword.
"Come! I shall fight you, tuna fish eater!" Karel
yelled. Then he lunged at Guy and stabbed him through the heart.
"I'VE BEEN HIT!" screamed Guy. Then he fell over dead, since he was
stabbed. But he twitched a few times before he stopped moving.
"KEKEKEKEKEKE!" cackled Karel. "PBJ
conquers all!" But as he cackled insanely, Guy fan girls came running over
the hill. They went running past the Black Fang lackies.
The Black Fang lackies had attempted an attack on 'Eliwood's Elite', but decided to sit down and watch the
clouds instead. So the rest of the elite just watched as Karel
ran for his life from the Guy fan girls. Except for Wallace.
He had been taking a nap when this all started, and the noise woke him up.
"What's all this racket!?" Wallace crankily
shouted as he struggled to get to his feet. A difficult thing
to do in 150 pounds of armor. "I just try to get a nap
and-GAH!" he yelled as he fell backwards and into a tree. In that tree, Jaffar had been sitting on a branch. When Wallace fell into
it, it knocked Jaffar out of the tree. Jaffar, acting on instinct, pulled out his killing edge.
When he landed, the sword was rammed into Wallace's head.
"….." Jaffar commented as he attempted to
pull his bloody sword out of the now dead Wallace's thick head. But as he was
doing this, a Wallace fan man came running over the hill. He was old, fat, and
wearing a shirt that said 'I Like Chiken'.
And he was carrying a rifle. Jaffar saw him and fleed in terror, to the entertainment of Matthew, who had
been watching.
Matthew laughed and then walked over to the other side of the camp. He saw the
Black Fang lackies sitting on the hill, now playing chess,and then spotted –GASP!- Guy's
bleeding body! Matthew rushed to his side. "GUY!" he cried,
"Hang in there, Guy!"
"It's…too…late for…me…" moaned Guy, who was barely clinging to life. "Save...yourself…"
"NO! Guy! Come baaaack!" Matthew wailed,
hugging Guy's almost lifeless body close to his own. A tear rolled down his
cheek. Then, Arianna came running over with a big
sign. She stuck it in the ground by the two hugging men and then ran back to
her chess game with a Black Fang lackie named Hughbert.
Guy sat up with the last of his strength and read the sign. "It says: No
Gay Men Allowed" read Guy. Matthew sighed and quit hugging Guy.
"Guess we'll have to meet up in that yaoi fic in the romance section." He told Guy, then he left him to die in peace. Just then, Legault walked by and read the sign.
"No gay men…." Legault murmured to himself.
"GAH! Why would I want to be in this stupid fic anyways!?" he shouted. Then he angrily stomped off
into a LegaultxHeath fic.
Guy was just on the brink of death, when he decided he didn't feel like
dying. So he rolled around for awhile. But then he died. Because
when you're stabbed through the heart it doesn't matter whether you feel like
dying or not. But it just so happens that he
rolled over by Priscilla. And Priscilla has a fear of rolling half-dead bodies.
So when she saw Guy she had a heart attack and died.
"WHO KILLED MY SISTER!?" Raven shouted. As he ran over to his now
deceased little sis, he tripped over the body of Guy. "GUY! It was you!
I'll kill you!" he threatened. But then he saw that Guy was already dead.
So instead he walked over to where Arianna was crying
her eyes out. Hughbert was sitting beside her, trying
to comfort the depressed tactician.
"It's just not fair!" Arianna was crying,
"Those stupid Mary Sues get all the men! And all I get is insults from
them!" Hughbert patted her on the back as she
bawled her eyes out. Then he helped her stick her eyes back in. "Nobody
loves me!" Arianna continued, once her eyes were
super glued back in.
Hughbert took her hands and stared deep into her
eyes. "Dearest lady tactician, I have long awaited this moment to confess
my everlasting affection for you!" he declared.
Arianna blinked.
"I know, I know! I'm the enemy! But can't you see we're made for
each other?" Hughbert asked.
Arianna blinked twice, and her nose twitched.
Hughbert tried again. "I LOVE YOU!" he
screamed in her face. Arianna wiped the spit off her
face and backed away from Hughbert.
"Uh, sorry Hugh. But when I said I wanted someone
to love me, I kinda meant someone handsome." Arianna harshly told the poor fellow.
Hughbert was heartbroken. He decided he couldn't live
with the knowledge of not having his feelings returned. So as Jaffar ran by with the mad Wallace fan behind him, Hughbert stole the Wallace fan's rifle and shot himself. Arianna blinked once more, then
looked up at Raven.
"What?" she asked.
"Nothing." He replied.
"Have you come to confess your love for me?" she asked, hopefully.
"No." He replied.
Then Erk came running over. "ARIANNA!"
Arianna looked at Erk with
new hope. "Have you come to confess your love for me?" she
asked.
Erk blinked. Then he grimaced. Then he shook his head
violently. "Hell no!" he said. "I came to tell you it's time to
switch to script form!" he explained.
Arianna sighed and grabbed the rifle from the dead Hughbert's hand. She then shot herself in the head. Erk stared at her body for a moment then grinned wildly.
"Yes!" he said estatically. "Now I can
run things how I want!"
Raven:
=blink= What happened?
Erk: We switched to script form.
Raven:
Oh. =blink= Why?
Erk: Because I'm the boss now and I wanted to!
Raven:
Oh. =grabs rifle and shoots himself=
Erk: =stares at dead body= Eh. His loss.
=skips off into a daisy field=
Nino:
=running around camp= JAFFAR! Where are you?
Jaffar: =running=
Wallace
Fan: =chasing=
Nino:
Jaffar!
Jaffar: …..
Nino:
What are you doing?
Jaffar: …running.
Nino:
Why? He has no weapons!
Jaffar: ….. =remembers that the rifle was stolen=
Wallace
Fan: Eh? =looks at empty hands=
Jaffar: …goodbye.
Wallace
Fan: WAIT! Uh…AH HA! =takes off shirt=
Nino: !!!
Jaffar: EEEEEK!
Nino:
Wait..something's wrong. I
think we used each other's lines.
Jaffar: …..
Nino:
Let's try this again!
Jaffar: !!!
Nino:
EEEEEK!
Jaffar&Nino: =runs=
Wallace
Fan: GWAHAHAHAHA-oof! =gets shot= =dies=
Erk: Heehee! =skips back into daisy field
with rifle=
Matthew:
Erk! Can't you read the sign?
Erk: What sign?
Matthew:
=points to a sign by a pool of blood= No gay men allowed in this fic!
Erk: I'm not gay!
Matthew:
No gays in denial are allowed, either!
Erk: =shoots Matthew=
Matthew:
=dodges= HA!
Erk: =shoots again=
Matthew:
=dies=
Erk: Heehee! Um, I mean, HAHA! =jumps in a
lake and drowns=
Wil: =marking on tally board= Death Count: 8
Rebecca:
And it's a lot of popular characters, too.
Wil: We better put out a warning.
Eliwood: =on megaphone= ALL CHARACTERS WITH FANS GO INTO HIDING
PRONTO!
Vaida: Eh. I'm safe.
Drunk Guys: Vaida! We love you, man!
Vaida: NO! FANS! Wait, what do you mean by man- =dies=
Mysterious
Person: =hides rifle=
-=
In A Secret Tent, A Meeting Of The Eliwood's
Elite (or what's left of it) Is In Progress =-
Eliwood: We are gathered here today to talk about the recent
killings!
Heath:
Arianna wasn't killed, she commited
suicide.
Eliwood: Were there any witnesses?
Heath:
There was Raven.
Eliwood: Great! Where is he?
Heath:
He commited suicide.
Eliwood: ……. =stabs Heath=
Canas: Wait! Erk was there, also!
Eliwood: And where is he?
Canas: Uh…he drowned himself in a river.
Bartre: It was a lake, moron.
Canas: Doh…sorry. =picks nose=
Eliwood: =stabs Canas=
Canas: =dies=
Eliwood: Well, it appears we've got a sniper on our hands.
Bartre: Sniper? But those three all commited
suicide! Looks more like we have a case of depression going
around.
Eliwood: =stabs Bartre=
Bartre: =dies=
Eliwood: Anyone here a sniper?
Louise:
I am.
Eliwood: =stabs Louise=
Louise:
=dies=
Pent:
NOOOO! LOUISE! I'll get you, Eliwood! You made Louise
dead!
Eliwood: Uh….she's not dead!
Pent:
Oh? Then what happened to her?
Eliwood: She went on vacation!
Pent:
And she didn't take me? =sob=
Eliwood: And Erk went with her.
Pent:
=gasp= She ran away with my student? Oh, the soap operaness!
=uses thunder on himself=
Rebecca:
=counts on fingers=
Wil: =counting toes= 14! =writes 14 on death counter=
Eliwood: Well. Now what?
Hector:
I dunno. Wanna go fishing?
Eliwood: Nah.
Hector:
Then what do you want to do?
Eliwood: Dunno.
-=-=
SILENCE =-=-
Eliwood: I'm bored to death! =dies=
Hector:
Me too! =dies=
Lyn:
I feel left out! =dies=
Serra: Now that all the lords are dead, it's game over, right?
Fiora: I wish this fic was over.
Serra: Me too! =drowns in same lake as Erk=
Florina: =rides Huey into a tree=
Huey:
=stunned= (Not dead! WOW!)
Florina: =dead=
Farina:
Sister! NO! We don't have insurance on that pegasus yet!
Pegasus
Repair Man: That will be 12,000,000 gold.
Farina:
NO! I don't wanna give up my money!
PRM:
Well, you could always pay with your life.
Farina:
=dies=
Fiora: =takes Farina's money=
PRM:
=takes the money from Fiora= Thank you.
Fiora: Grrrr… =stabs PRM with iron lance=
PRM:
=magically disappears, but doesn't die=
Fiora: MUHAHAHAHA! =falls off cliff=
Karel: =runs by=
Karla:
Can we end this yet? We're almost out of good characters!
Lucius: Then use some bad ones!
Dorcas: Doh.
Merlinus: Duh.
Marcus:
Der.
Rath: Target practice! =shoots all three of them=
Nils: Congratulations! You win a prize!
Rath: Ooooo…what is it?
Nils: You get to have death by flying monkey!
Rath: ..…WTF?
Flying
Monkey: =picks Rath up and drops him in ravine=
Nils: HAHA!
Rath Fan Girls: =attack Nils=
Nils: Help me, sister!
Ninian: =drinking poison=
Nils: =dies=
Ninian: =dies=
Wil: =counting= DANGIT! I don't have enough toes left!
Lowen: =runs off cliff and lands on Fiora=
Dead
Body Of Fiora: Get off me!
=THWACK=
Dead
Body Of Lowen: Ow.
Hawkeye:
=falls off cliff=
DBOF&L:
=flattened=
Harken: Hehehehehe! =dies laughing=
Karla:
=just…dies…=
-=-=:
In Old Folk's Home :=-=-
Athos: Hello!
Renault:
Hi.
Oswin: Good day!
Renault:
What are you doing here, Oswin? You're only 30!
Oswin: Not sure. =falls out window=
Athos: =dies of old age=
Renault:
Zzzzz….. =snore=
Lucius: Ummm..anyone
else still alive and awake in this fic?
Sain: What up homie g? Whoops. I mean, homie b?
Lucius: ….why me?
Rebecca:
I'm still here! And Wil!
Wil: AHH! =brain explodes=
Rebecca:
Or not…..
Dart:
I be here, maties!
Sain: What you callin' me a matie for, dawg? You tryin' to start sumthin
up in here?
Dart:
Er…..no.
Isadora:
I'm here!
Rebecca:
And Jaffar, Nino, and Karel
are running somewhere. And there are still some Black Fang lackies
on the hill.
Black
Fang Lackies: YO!
Sain: Peace out, bros!
Lucius: So….how are we gonna end this thing?
Isadora:
But then, how would it be a death fic?
Isadora:
Hmmm…good point. Brammimond! Initiate revival
sequence!
Brammimond: 'Wake me up inside! Wake me up inside! Call my name and saaave me from the dark. Bid my blood to run. Before I come undone. Save me from the nothing I've become! Briiing meee tooo life!'
Dart:
ARG! Stop the singing! =punches Brammimond=
Brammimond: =KO'd=
Dart:
Whoops.
Arianna blinked as she came back to life. "Where
am I?" she asked. She felt she was laying on something soft. She looked
down to see that she was on Hughbert.
"EEEEEEEK!" she screamed in terror. Hughbert
opened his eyes.
"I'm in heaven!" he said. Arianna jumped up
and ran for her newly revived life. She ran past Raven, Priscilla, Guy, and Erk. She ran past Matthew, Louise, Pent, and Vaida. She ran past anyone else who had been killed during
this extremely odd bit of fanfiction.
"Thank Elimine you're back!" Lucius exclaimed when he saw Arianna.
"The story was going beserk without you!"
"I was skipping through daisy fields!" Erk
said, shuddering at the memory.
Just then, a person walked up to the happy group of revived dead. "Excuse
me! Are you the authoress and tactician Arianna?"
the person asked. Arianna blinked at him before
nodding. "I have a complaint! This was a horrifyingly tasteless and
gruesome fic! FE writers around the world are
stricken by your dispicable behaviour!
When news of this fic gets to the managers, your
career is over, young missy!" he shouted. Then a loud bang sounded and a
red spot appeared on the man's shirt as he fell forward. He landed face-down,
dead.
"One flamer down! 46, 000 to go!" said Jaffar, walking up to the group with Nino and the Wallace
Fan's rifle.
"What happened to the Wallace fan?" Arianna
asked. Jaffar pointed to a dead body with numerous
stabs in it. It was the Wallace fan's dead body.
"Jaffar stabbed him as soon as he was
revived." Nino explained.
"So this turned out to be a death fic after
all." Hughbert remarked. Then the flying monkey from
earlier picked him up and dropped him through a portal that sent him through
dimensions and into YOUR HOUSE! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
"Nils! No more writing in my fanfiction
for you!" Arianna scolded. Nils
scowled and pouted.
"Can we just end the insanity already?" Erk
asked, exasperated.
"Okay! THE END!"Arianna shutted, I mean, shooted, I mean, shelled-
Erk: =whacks Arianna=
Arianna: Shouted.
-------------
-------------
-----------------
-------------------
Erk: I believe Rath put it the best way.
WTF!?!?
Arianna: Well, I was in an extremely bad mood. I was quite
depressed. And for some reason, writing random and bizarre FE fanfiction always cheers me up. To thoroughly enjoy this fic, read back through it giving all the characters a
British accent. Or if you're sick of this craziness, just click that x at the
top right-hand corner of your screen.
Eliwood: How come it's never in the left-hand corner?
Erk: Nobody cares, Eliwood.
Arianna: Thank you for suffering through the first ever comical
death fic! Many apologies to
anyone who was insulted by any part of this fic.
Goodbye now! :)
-------------------
-----------------------
--------------------------