| Who The Fuck Are Koala Gateaux Ambush? And Why? - The Story Of Koala Gateaux Ambush |
| Good question, you inquisitive scamp, you! Of course, the full story of the KGA cannot be adequately expressed here. You could put reams of text here, and not come close to experiencing the full experience of the KGA experience. However, this lovingly-nurtured section aims to chronicle the genesis and evolution of Panda Flan Attack's bastard offspring using just text and stuff. Read on... The member(s) of Koala Gateaux Ambush So far, KGA consist of but one solitary member, Panda Flan Attack axemeister and former Kurt Cobain lookalike, Jonnyhead. However, Jonnyhead is merely one of a plethora of pseudonyms for this elusive creature. He is variously known as 'Harry Manback' (a prize to anyone who works that out), 'That twat over there'. 'Oi, you!', 'Smiley' and 'Jonathan Headington'. The latter is the name he goes by in real life, but it is, of course, not his real name, merely a rock'n'roll stage name. The KGA sound Hmmm. As Gruff from the Super Furry Animals once put it, 'you can't describe sound'. Indeed. The story in someone's own words It all started with a very big bang. Billions upon billions of tiny particles blah blah blah primordial soup blah blah dinosaurs blah blah blah primitive man blah blah dark ages blah blah blah second world war blah blah people were wearing bell-bottom trousers blah blah Macauley Culkin blah blah. it turns out that all that was just setting the scene for the real reason why we're here....Panda Flan Attack! THAT all started in the late summer of 2000, the summer some people vivdly remember as 'The summer of Pets At Home'. At the Leeds folk festival, inspired by the pure adrenaline rush of The Stereophonics' live set, a band was formed against a backdrop of exploding toilets and people pissing against trees. George Word (real name G_[wrd]) and Mister Chrisso (real name BigChris) were behind the plan. They put their heads together, but, after staring lovingly into each other's eyes for a few moments, realised it would probably help them think better if they sat back a bit. Their plan, to form the greatest band the world has ever seen. BigChris said 'Let's form the greatest band the world has ever seen!'. This was incredibly ambitious, especially when you consider they had recently seen the current holder of that title, Cay. And, so, a monster was spawned. Panda Flan Attack grew and grew, like the beanstalk in 'Jack and the Beanstalk'. Except that PFA didn't grow from magic beans and none of the members had to trade in their cows for it. It remains to be seen whether an evil giant is waiting at the end of PFA, and as yet, there have been no pantomime versions of the PFA story starring people like Lenny Henry and Darren Day. If there is, this site will be the first to report it, of course. Undoubtedly BigChris will be played by that guy out of the Barenaked Ladies. I suppose he's probably looking for a pantomime part by now, what with them being shite and all. Tickets would probably cos about five pounds from all good box offices. Book now! Anyway, nobody could have anticipated PFA's success. Succesful collaborations, tours starting and ending at the Horse And Jockey, and above all, nobody died. Well, nobody in PFA, anyway. The band is still going strong to this day. However, inevitably for a band with so many members, the system became rather undemocratic. G_[wrd] had, by the end of 2000, assumed the mantle of 'Panda Lord', and he and professional sideburns-grower BigChris were ruling PFA with fear. And a very big stick which the called 'the Discipline Stick'. Obviously, that was a metaphorical stick, as they no longer had enough bamboo to make a real stick. And so, frustrated members began to release side-projects as an outlet for their creativity. M'n'M started a solo project which covered My Vitriol b-sides in a hip-hop 'flava' (with kazoos). Damon Acejoy performed 'Little Donkey' on his trumpet at many a school nativity play and released an album of remixes of 'Little Donkey'.DJ Scally Sam started his own dance genre which he called 'UK peniscore' under the guise of 'DJ Manhood'. And Jonnyhead began Koala Gateaux Ambush.... TO BE CONTINUED.... |