| Koala Gateaux Ambush would never have reached the dizzy heights of today without basking in the reflected glory of a tenuous link with post-shoegazing/hip-hop/grunge/indie/acid jazz/spookycore pioneers Panda Flan Attack. This page is dedicated to the band that made it all possible, and aims to teach you a little more about the multi-headed beast that is the PFA. THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW ABOUT PANDA FLAN ATTACK'S MEMBERS.... Bassist BigChris was born with a natural talent for playing bass. By the age of 2, he could play any Stereophonics bassline you could imagine. However, he underwent hypnotherapy to 'unlearn' the instrument because he thought it would be 'more punk' if he played like he was wearing one of those big foam hands you see people waving in the crowd at wrestling matches and suchlike. He is also convinced that Pixies live at the bottom of his garden. He adds that he is not particularly scared of Frank Black's now-defunct pre-grunge quartet, but admits that he finds drummer Dave Lovering 'a bit creepy'. Pez-loving kazoo wizard M'n'M claims to hate the band My Vitriol. In fact, he owns two copies of everything they have ever recorded and even hosts a website dedicated to debating which member of the post-grunge fuzzpop quartet is the 'cutest'. M'n'M is particularly drawn towards guitarist Seth, although he concedes that drummer Ravi has 'a nice arse'. He is also quick to point out that he thinks Som is 'ugly' and that bassist Carolyn 'looks like a demented elf-woman who subsists solely on leaves'. M'n'M bears a striking resemblance to Blakey from 'On The Buses'. Songwriting guitar boffin G_[wrd] has an unfortunate obsessive compulsive disorder which means he has to check underneath his bed three times for rabbits and remove all the light bulbs before he can leave the house. After losing the use of his left ear in a fight with a small child, he plays by feeling the vibrations of his guitar in his hyper-sensitive groin. G_[wrd] was 'nowhere near' the grassy knoll when JFK was shot. Copiously-buttocked trumpeteer Damon Acejoy likes to eat moths, and insists that he is given a suitcase full of torches and a net for every tour so he can catch and eat them himself. He recommends frying them in vegetable oil, garnished with parsley and tarragon, and maybe a little Lea and Perrin's 'for that extra zing'. He prefers to both cook and eat them whilst nude and watching Buffy, adding, 'I'm the real Naked Chef, dammit! None of that Jamie Oliver malarkey!' Damon's obsession with former Manchester United winger Karel Poborsky is second only to his love for mincing. Big-up, nuff-respect in a area DJ Scally Sam aka DJ Manhood has a burning hatred of GMTV presenter Eamonn Holmes, and sends him hate mail which appears to be a series of erotic love poems, but are in fact coded death threats. He adds, 'What is the POINT of Eamonn Holmes?'. PFA's resident trouser criminal Bad Pants Dan died for 3 minutes in 1998 after a brain haemorrhage caused by eating three tubes of Smarties at once. He still suffers from hallucinations and trauma to this day, and whenever he sees a child enjoying Smarties, he trips them up and throws their Smarties away. Dan's famous 'Bad Pants' can hold up to 16 raccoons in each leg, and once caused the Pope to denounce them as 'blasphemous and very, very loud'. When not destroying the multinational capitalist heirarchy and breaking down the global military industrial complex with his fretboard heroics, PFA guitar hero Dark Mark puts his GNVQ in Genetic Engineering to good use by attempting to create a 'super-pigeon' which could dominate the North West pigeon-fancying scene for decades. He hopes to make the pigeon black and white, so it will essentially be, in his words 'a flying panda, but without the weight disadvantage of sticking wings on an actual panda'. Dark Mark requires a large amount of stage space due to the fact that he attached a large blade, bayonet-style, to the headstock of his guitar, for impaling fascists. For more Pandamonium, go HERE |
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