interviewpt1

KGA INTERVIEW - PART ONE

Well, it's been a long time coming, but we finally managed to get an interview with KGA's Queens Of The Stone Age-loving supremo Jonnyhead. It's 9.30 in the AM, and Jonnyhead is busy composing a beat when this interviewer arrives. He introduces us to his fridge contents before showing us to his luxury rock star room, where he sips Ocean Spray and chews on an unlit cigar (as he explains, 'I just bite it, it's for the look...I don't light it', thereby infringing on a number of copyrights). So, let's put some Question Pie in a bowl and see how much he eats....

Interviewer: What's the new album going to be like, then?
KGA: Well, let me put it this way. KGA is like a bus, right? And you can either pay to get on the bus, or you can try and jump on the bus. Or you could, like, hold onto the back of it while riding a skateboard or a scooter or whatever. All you know is you gotta be on that bus, going where that bus is going. But you don't know quite where the bus is going, and sometimes you don't even know if it's a bus at all, it might sometimes look like a taxi or a pie or something. So you're on the bus, but this bus isn't like a regular bus...sure, it has a driver, and there's a guy with a can of Special Brew muttering to himself, and there's chewing gum on the seats and a empty can of Fanta rolling on the floor, so in that respect, it IS like a regular bus, but in other ways it's not like any bus you've ever seen, cos sometimes it's not travelling on the ground, it's like up in the air or in the sea. And the driver's not looking where he's going, cos he's trying to read the map, but he can't read the map, cos the map is for a different town. So, instead of going where he's supposed to be going, he's just trying to look like he knows what he's doing, and the passengers don't say anything cos they're all British and they don't like to make a scene, and the only guy making a fuss is drunk and he doesn't know what he's talking about, he's just pissed off because he lost his house keys and his cat is sick. So the bus isn't really like a normal bus, cos the bus conductor has a head shaped like an arm, and the seats are made of chicken wire filled with brie. But the bus is gonna be alright, cos there's not much traffic. You know what I mean?

Interviewer: Does the bus have advertising on it?
KGA: Who cares? KGA isn't even on the bus, it's waiting for a taxi, cos taxis go straight to your door and there's no potato head guys. KGA is LIKE a bus, but KGA is not ON the bus. In fact, KGA would probably walk, cos it needs some fresh air, and in any case, it has no money. And they changed the route of the bus so it doesn't go under any low bridges. Well, I like low bridges, so I can't be on the bus.

Interviewer: Who's driving the bus?
KGA: Well, the driver would like to THINK he's driving the bus. And in a way he is, cos he's got his feet on the pedals and his hands on the steering wheel and shit. But he's not really in control, for two reasons. The first reason is that he's under mind control from some kind of weird, Nth-dimensional, mind-altering power which he can't control, and in any case he's not really thinking about driving the bus, he's thinking about darts cos he's got a big game tomorrow. The second reason is that KGA has hijacked the bus, even though it's a KGA bus which KGA may or may not be on, or may or may not be waiting for. KGA has hijacked the bus for fun, and KGA is making the bus stop on the hard shoulder so it can take a piss. And then KGA wants to go to the chippy for some scallops and shit. Now, the bus driver doesn't like scallops, but he's gonna let KGA have scallops, cos he's not like a Nazi or anything, he's just a bus driver who likes to play darts.

Interviewer: So, how's the whole PFA thing going?
KGA: PFA is good, man. It's good. It's almost 'god'. So, it's like 'good', but different. But it's not 'food', cos even though that's nearly 'good', that's a whole different kettle of pandas. PFA have been out of the limelight recently, because of all the side-projects, and because some of us wanna watch Wimbledon, and certain members have trouble fitting in the time, what with side-projects, and Buffy The Vampire Slayer being on and stuff. But some really exciting things are going on, I mean, there's Koi Profiter Roll Khaos, for a start.

Interviewer: That's Damon Acejoy's project, right?
KGA: Indeed. Koi Profiter Roll Khaos is like an extra leg. It's like, PFA goes to bed with the regular number of legs, and when they wake up there's an extra leg there. And at first you get freaked out, cos it's like, 'Whoah! Extra leg!'. But, you know, you grab a coffee or a glass of Ocean Spray cranberry juice, and you sit down to watch Richard and Judy, and you realise that you're comfortable with your extra leg. In fact, you get to thinking it's better than your original legs. So then you have to choose whether you wanna (a) sever the extra leg, (b) sever one of your original legs, or (c) keep all the legs.

Interviewer: And what do you choose?
KGA: Well, it's not my extra leg, it's Acejoy's. And he wants to keep it cos he's watching Richard and Judy, and that Raj Persaud guy is talking, so he doesn't even wanna think about the leg, he wants to hear Raj's advice about stuff. Anyway, Acejoy doesn't know how to remove superfluous limbs, he just knows about trumpets and shit, and he figures the extra leg can help him play football. But he doesn't wanna play football, cos he's just got himself some Jamaican Ginger Cake out the cupboard and he doesn't give a fuck.

That's all this time, cos I can't be arsed to write any more, but tune in sometime in the near future, or now if you're reading this in the near future, which, I mean, is still 'now', but it's not 'NOW now', for the next instalment of interesting/uninteresting shit.