My kid IS your honor student. I banged your wife...

   
    Would you like gin with that? Do you want to super-size your condom? These are the questions crackhead high school dropouts will ask you from behind the counter, thanks to the new Mcdonald's Adult Value Menu.

    Yes, America's most beloved purveyor of fast food, known for its wholesome and oft-undercooked heart-attack inducing burgers, disease spreading restrooms, and openly financing Castro, will soon be known for its cheap liquor and crotchless uniforms. Among the new additions to McDonald's menu are McLiquor, McCondoms, McWeed, and McHome Aids Test. In addition, McDonald's franchises are to be overhauled with tinted windows, splooge-resistant floors, and animatronic pornstar duplicates in their Play Place areas. McDonald's will also boast posters featuring the comical exploits of the Cockburgler, a dick-hungry nympho with a fondness for Chicken McNuggets.
    McDonald's signed Backstreet Boy A. J. to endorse the adult side of McDonald's, being as real celebrities like Ben Afleck and Screech don't do commercials, and have moral issues with advertising alcohol while coping with alcoholism themselves. A. J. reportedly had no such qualms. "It's all for the kids, yeah. The sooner they start drinking, girl, the sooner they go to rehab and change their lives arou-ou-ound, yeah."
    CEO of McDonald's, Neal Chode, welcomes these changes. "Our first challenge was to find ways to pack condoms and liquor full of cholesterol," he explains. "Once the eggheads in R&D got us over that hurdle, we were cautious not to alienate our core consumer group with these changes. These loyal customers stayed with us from the fifties through the nineties. They kept us afloat, and we could never brush them aside. But grandpa's dead now--so bust out the McLube."