2002: Attack of the Sequels
All my review articles since the first have been crap. Yet, due to illiteracy and gross negligence, the California Tech editors continue to pay me for each article I submit. They accept every submission based on the strength of my first piece. This guaranteed payment is what causes me to write and, ultimately, you to suffer through these terrible articles.
Hollywood produced a slew of sequels in 2002 for the same reason: sequels are lower risk than original movies. Like my articles, they make money on the reputation from past work.
Moviegoers flock to sequels because they are loyal to old favorites and anxious to see what their beloved characters are going to do next. Hardcore fans will see the next Star Trek no matter how bad the reviews are. Why invest millions in a new concept that might confuse viewers when Jason X is guaranteed an audience?
The lure of certain success is so strong that even the death of a movie’s main character can’t always deter Hollywood from making a sequel. Remember Blues Brothers 2000? I vomited popcorn when I saw this nightmare. This film was a crime against humanity: no plot, no comedy, no Belushi. In hindsight, it is clear that John Belushi’s untimely death was a warning from God not to make this movie.
Normally there is no one to blame but yourself when you see a sequel. You paid six-fifty for ninety minutes of disappointment. Though, on some masochistic level you enjoy putting yourself through such things, or else you would have transferred to USC.
In 2002, however, there was little choice. With bombs like Reign of Fire it was often prudent to stay away from new movies and stick with the familiar. At times all the screens in small theaters were showing sequels. If you decided against The Santa Clause 2 and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on the basis of heterosexuality, your remaining options were Star Trek: Nemesis and James Bond 007: Nightfire. Sadly, neither of these follow-ups live up to the expectations set by their predecessors.
Consider Nightfire. Pierce Brosnan isn’t half the womanizing alcoholic that Sean Connery was in Goldfinger. The new Bond movies rely too much on special effects and gadgets. For example, did the villain really need that ridiculous electronic battle suit? Sean Connery saved the world with only his rugged good looks and a hangover. Brosnan isn’t that much of a man, and so he needs super technology like invisible cars and Viagra. I think that pretty boy might be a double agent.
Other sequels of 2002 follow suit. Star Trek: Nemesis is a bland rehash of the themes addressed in Star Trek: The Wrath of Kahn. I guess it isn’t plagiarism if you own the rights to the original.
Trekkies weren’t the only geeks wronged by Hollywood. Sterile romance and kindergarten dialogue make Episode II a disgrace to the original Star Wars Trilogy. Thankfully, The Two Towers came out this year, and was good enough to persuade even its most vehement fans to bathe and reenter society.
We’ve just endured a year of horrible original movies and mediocre sequels. Movies like these are why John Belushi had to die. Therefore, I give the cinema of 2002 two Sad, Dead, Fat Comedians:
(Minimum Rating: 3 Sad, Dead, Fat, Comedians. Maximum Rating: 3 Happy, Dead, Fat Comedians.)
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