PAWTUCKET RIDING HIGH
The Pawtucket Flying Dutchman, losers of 103 games last year, started the season with 4 straight wins. Last year, Pawtucket didn't win their fourth game until April 20. However, two losses at the hands of Sahara on Saturday and Sunday knocked Pawtucket (4-2) into second place as Harlem (5-1) swept the defending champions St Louis to claim first place. Sahara rests at 3-3, and Fremont sits at 3-4 in the NorthEast Division.In the Southeast, Hattiesburg (4-3) is without two starting pitchers, Erv Brame and Ray Kremer, but are tied with Montgomery (4-3) for tops in the division. North Dallas sits at 3-4, while the defending champs St Louis (0-6) are mired in last without a win to their credit.
PANIC IN ST LOUIS
Disappointed fans rioted in St Louis as the defending champs have yet to win a game. Below are the stories as the came in across the wire.St. Louis Bubonic Plague fans have set fire to management offices at Sportsmen Fields. Eye witness say that several hundred fans tried to storm the stadium and head groundskeeper LeOtis Sanford directed his crew to spray the mob back with on field fire hoses. Sanford, is reportedly in a St. Louis hospital with a head injury. After being repulsed, fans tossed Molotov cocktails into Plague offices. Fire officials report roughly half of the offices were burned. Police have made 13 arrests and are seeking several suspects.
At the home of Harry the Blackfish Jackson the site was uglier. Seven of the "bourgeois" homes, as one fan describe scene, were plundered and set afire. Several stores in the area were pillaged and burned and the state police have taken up defensive positions. April 5, 1931
Despite the heavy rioting that have left scores dead and missing, we expect a happy and safe opening day at Sportsmen Field. Replacement fans from the Negro Leagues will be on hand to give the A-Holes and Pawtucket a warm welcome. April 6, 1931
To ensure a happy opening day, Amish ushers will working as to not provoke the crowd. In addition, the fans will be separated from the field with chicken wire and barbed wire will ring the perimeter of the field. Firearms, bottles, clubs, and long knives must be concealed.
Both the A-Holes and Pawtucket will arrive and leave by Wells Fargo armored cars. The Douglas Air Craft Corporation will provide crop dusting of any protesters. April 9, 1931
A high ranking A-Holes has acknowledged that Harry The Blackfish Jackson, A-Holes General Manger, has been rescued by LeOtis Sanford. According to the official, Sanford's highly secretive SS located the Blackfish late yesterday. From his hospital bed, LeOtis organized a rescue mission. At about 5 am this morning LeOits, still on his hospital cot, was parachuted into the second story room where the Blackfish was held (Unconfirmed reports indicate that Charles Lindbergh piloted the Douglas aircraft). The cot severed as a battering ram to crash through the roof and LeOtis quickly dispatch the terrorist fans with his ground keeping rake. The SS stormed and secured the home.
The Blackfish is in good condition and LeOits is now reportedly working to restore the diamond and field at Sportsmen after this weeks antics. April 9, 1931
At his first press conference since his rescue, The Blackfish Jackson denies that management is enjoying the season.
"Of course I and management are upset," said Jackson. "Do you think we like what those A-Holes are doing? Hardly, do you think I enjoy seeing civil unrest and watching my home and neighborhood burn?", an angry Jackson yelled. However, rumors persist that Management is really enjoying the streak of bad luck the Plague has seen and are very curious to see how long the team can go before a victory. April 9, 1931
INDEPENDENT COUNSEL'S REPORT
A recent player transaction wound up causing all sorts of turmoil. North Dallas tried to sign Wally Gilbert, who according to the 40 should be a free agent due to roster restrictions with Gilbert's club, Montgomery. Below is the findings of the Counsel.The following is the findings of the Independent Counsel regarding the matter of Walter J Gilbert of Oscoda, Michigan.
The counsel, convened on the 6th day of April, in the year of our Lord 1931, have found the the above said individual, W.Gilbert, is the property of the Montgomery Burns Baseball Club. All ownership proclaimed by the North Dallas Baseball Nine is null and void. W.Gilbert's employment with the Montgomery club is uninterrupted, and not found to be any violation with the by-laws of the Dead Ballplayers Society. W.Gilbert was signed to a valid contract in March of 1931, and was the 24th man on the roster.
A week prior, a document stating the roster of the Montgomery club was submitted, listing the 40-man roster, 24 of which are position players. 23 players were listed. After which, W.Gilbert was signed, making 24.
Evidence and testimony have uncovered a clerical error which in effect terminated the contract between Ernest E. Swanson of DeKalb, Illinois and the Montgomery club.
Had E.Swanson appeared on the roster submitted, W.Gilbert would not have been signed to the Montgomery Club due to roster limits imposed by the governing body(ies) of the Dead Ballplayers Society.
These are the findings of the Independent Counsel, and are not permitted to be appealed on any level of the judiciary, federal or otherwise, as permitted by the Coolidge Counsel Act of 1917.
PLAYER OF THE WEEK
Rube Walberg
Player of the week for week number one (April 3rd � April 9th) is Starting Pitcher of the Freemont Furtraders Rube Walberg, who for the week compiled a record of 1-1 with an ERA of 1.04 allowing only 2 earned runs over 17 and 1/3 innings completing both games. On April 4th Rube became only the third pitcher in DBS history to pitch a no hitter. He did this on his first start of the year, walked three batters against one strikeout and had nineteen groundouts. In his second start Rube went the distance but received the loss allowing only two earned runs while striking out one, walking five and allowing three hits.POWER POLL
The Homer Simpson Version1 HARLEM Woohoo!!
2 MONTGOMERY I am so smart S-M-R-T- I mean, S-M-A-R-T.
3 PAWTUCKET Just blame it on Tibor
4 HATTIESBURG Hey, everybody.... I'm Peter Pants-less!
5 SAHARA Let's try something new, Homer.... I never heard of a poison pork chop.
6 NORTH DALLAS Weaseling is what separates us from the animals....except the weasel.
7 FREMONT Mooching war widows....
8 ST LOUIS That team just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
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