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It’s UFferween Time by Susan Field Time: A cold, dark and dank UFferween night!!!!! They had all received Susan's invitation to a party she was throwing to celebrate "Ufferween". One by one the friends gathered at Susan's apartment in costume, until they were all assembled. "Geez!" said Julia, who was the last to arrive. "I haven't seen these many sheets since the K-mart January white sale!" "Seems like everyone decided to dress up like LaCroix, " said Lora, also in a toga like sheet, wrapped around a leather bustier. "Well, April and I are dressed like Nick!!" Susan said, pointing to her small Crusader outfit, and then to April's. "Well, where are all the Ufferween decorations? And the beer?" asked Jules, looking around. She had noticed that there were absolutely no signs of anything party-like in the apartment. "Oh, I forgot to tell you guys!" said Susan . “The party is being held in a mansion!!" "What?!! said Rae, who was dressed as Vachon. "What mansion Susan, the WAR is over with, we are back in the real world now!!" said Julia(who was starting to feel nervous at the very thought of FKWarlocks return!). "It's this ad I saw in the paper I bought in the supermarket. Anyone willing to spend the night in a really creepy mansion may have a UFferween party there!" "Sounds a little suspicious to me!" said April. "Well, I for one say let's go, cause I'm getting just a tad drafty in this sheet, " said Shan. And so all the Uffers piled into the rented van Susan got. Miles and miles and more miles later............... "LOOK!! There's a sign up ahead!!" Julia rolled her eyes around. "Don't tell me, it says'you are now entering The Twilight Zone'!" "Can't be that, " said Gail, getting in and out of her Halloween mask. "Susan has been there for years!" April read the sign aloud. "Hmmmmm... it says"Blair Witch Sequel to be filmed here maybe'!" "Thats it?" asked Julia. "No, underneath it says, "This way to the creepy place to have your party in! with an arrow pointing to the right!" April added. "Okay, lets go!!" And so the UFferbuds drove on....... at last they saw the place. "Ugh, Susan, I dont know about this, " Jules said as she saw the shadow of a woman holding a big knife flash across the upper bedroom window. "Oh, come on guys, she must be the housekeeper!" said Jill. The now weary group unpacked their stuff out of the van and went up to the front door. Lora rapped the knockers! (Had to make her happy!)..... Anyway................ The door creaked open.......... no one was there! "Hello?" April called out..... No answer........ “Anyone home?" Suffice to say, no one wanted to be the first in, so they all jumped in at the same time falling into a big heap on the cold hard floor! At that very moment, a strange chill was felt in the room. (Could have been because everyone now had their togas over thier heads, and some didn't bother to wear anything under them..... BUTT......let's move along, shall we?).. "Did somebody forget to turn the air-conditioning off? I'm freezing here!" Julia said. "Doesn't look like anyone is here!" April said. "But look over there!! It's a table and it's full of UFferween treats!" shouted Jules. The group, collecting themselves and what was left of thier dignity, walked over to the table. Sure enough, it was loaded with stuff! Beer, and green eggs and ham, and honey sticks in every flavor!!!! After muching and drinking, everyone was pretty satisfied. Just then, they heard a sound.... "Dont look at me, I didn't have the second helping of bean pate, " said Shan looking over at everyone that was looking over at her! "Bean Pate? I thought it was chopped liver!" said Becky. "Actually guys, I dont think that sound emanated from the table, I sorta heard it coming from that way!" Susan said pointing to the door at the end of the room. (Susan said that, because # 0ne, SHE wrote this story and could say what she wanted, and # Two, she wanted to distract everyone from the fact that there actually wasn't any bean pate on the table, but that Cujo had been walking on the table near an empty bowl a short time earlier!! :) Everyone got up and headed towards the strange door....... Sure enough there was a sound coming from there...... "Okay, who goes first?" said Jules, trying to print out everything as they walked. When no one offered, April spoke up. "Okay, I'll go first!"... One by one they all descended the long creaky winding staircase that led almost to the very bowels of the earth!! (Speaking of bowels, notice how no one went to the bathroom after eating all that S.........T!!!!!! But lets carry on.................) At last they found themselves THERE!!!! A strange glow filled the room. (NO!! That kind, remember? That kind comes "AFTER!") A tall figure stood in a room filled with all types of lab equipment... Strange fluids churning :) and electric sparks sizzling through the air through wires and blue balls that strung every which way... A tall figure walked ever so slowly to meet and greet them. He extended a long thin arm, on a small finger was a familiar ring..... Susan looked at Jules. "Could it be?" she asked. "Nah, everyone knows that the original was auctioned off! But look! I have one almost like it!"...... "Oh, okay, " said Susan... "I see you all decided to answer the ad in the cheapo supermarket tabloid I placed!" the figure stated in a soft voice with an English accent.......Hmmmmmmmmm!!! "Say, before we all get bumped out of this room, or story if we are all lucky, could you please tell us what this is all about?" said Julia, growing impatient. "Cast your eyes at the table over there!" the strange figure stated. "I have created something wonderful, but it lacks something only an UFfer can provide!" Everyone looked over at the table . Something was on it. Something long........ It was covered by a white sheet..... Wires led from under the sheet to the equipment that was all over the room...... "How can we help?"asked Lora. The figure walked over to the table and lifted the sheet in one swift motion. "OH MY GOSH!!" the Uffers said collectively as they beheld what indeed was on the table!!! IT WAS THE WORLDS LARGEST PENIS!!!!!! Several feet long..... "But its just lying there!!!" "Alas, yes, I am at a loss to get a "Rise' out of it, d espite repeated attempts!" "I hate to ask this, but where did it come from?" said April. "You mean besides Susan's twisted imagination?" he asked. The question left just hanging there, as were a few other accouterments. The tall figure continued.... "Where do we fit into this?" Julia asked....not realizing that the comment had major uffish undertones! "We won't have to donate brains will we?" "Of course not! Since this is a male penis, the brain is already in place there!" the tall man said. "All I need you to do is sit around and pretend you are all in a UF chat!!! Carry on a regular conversation ........That will surely bring it to life!" A collective understanding brought the UFfers to thier knees.at which point Lora whipped out her handy camera and snapped a few extra rolls of the tall mans can........ Then, one by one, they began........ "So it was at that point that he turned and LaCroix took Nick in hand and raising the whip he................................... “ said April. "Naked lust filled bodies joined in an everlasting union............. “ said Jules "Throbbing Manhood..... “ said Shan. (And so it went on for at least two hours)........... Gail came in and out of the chat, Jules got bumped several times, Julia went to do e-mail, and April needed to get to bed....... Suddenly the strange tall man screamed! "IT'S ALIVE!! ALIVE!!!" The buds got to thier feet which was okay since Lora ran out of film! Sure enough, it was moving, twitching!! "Its Amazing!" "Its Outstanding" "I can't believe this!" The tall figure stepped forward....... “We need to give it a name, " he said in his soft voice. "Er how about 'DICK'?" .................................................................... Just at that moment, the UFfers all seemed to wake up! "What happened?" said Julia in a sleepy voice. "Seems we all fell asleep in the Friday chat!" "MAN!! I had some dream!!" Lora said. "Yeah, me too!" said April. Jules looked over her print-outs, sure enough, the dream had been recorded. "I wonder where that giant penis went after it left the table?" said Gail. ...... "'It' could be in a really "tight' spot!" said April. "Could be 'IT' had the 'balls' to leave the dream before it got worse!" said Julia. "Yeah, Susan was 'squeezing' every little bit she could out of that story!" said Becky. And so the Friday night chat continued into the wee hours of daylight.......... Well, that's it folks, I wish you all the very best UFferween!!!! HUGS!! Susan THE END!!!! |