UF: "Surviver UFfers" 1/1
By: Susan Ellen Field
Date: 7/24/00 4:22:11 PM Central Daylight Time
From: [email protected]
FK characters are the property of James Parriott and company.I am only
borrowing them for this,perhaps!!! poor things!! :)
All Uffers as usual are used without any permission at all!
permission to post to any list you like :)
*********ARRIVAL ON Uffer Survival Island!**************
"Hello folks!! I'm your unseen host Dickie D Dicks, speaking to you, while we
prepare to launch the UFfers into another ridiculous story Susan has
written!, so without further Adeu or even a'dont, lets get started!"
..............................
The boat carrying the Uffers to the remote Island where they would have to
spend weeks in order to win a *big* prize (alot of UFfers at this point in
the story might have a few guesses as to what the *big* prize would be)
neared its destination.
They were divided into two groups.The "Thong" tribe(who wore purple) and the
"Shlong" tribe who wore(well, nevermind what they wore!)
"Okay!!" Shouted the game show host. "Everybody off!"
"What! We didn't land!!" Shouted Julia.
The host said, "Yes, thats quite true! you all have to swim all the way to
the Island from here, gathering as much of your stuff as you can, it's all
being dumped in the ocean now to take with you".
One by one the Uffers were made to dive into the cold water,(Susan who
couldn't swim,Was dragged to shore by Gail who came in and out of the waves,
with some Dolphins)!
Finally they all reached shore, they lay sprawled on the sand pooped out
.(Literally!) you see, way back before we got to this part of the story,
Susan had prepared gift baskets for everyone on the boat, which included clam
*shell* dip.Unfortunalty, it was not until the groups were in mid ocean and
had eaten the attractive dish with chips, did they find out that the clams
were really made from shells, sans any sign of clams.Seems Susan bought the
shells in a Florida gift shop cause they were colorful!
When they woke up a few hours later, and lighter in weight since the dip had
returned to the sea, the two tribes gathered on seperate sides of the beach.
"Okay" said Julia, leader of the "Thong" tribe said. "Lets organise things
here,first we need to see what stuff we all collected".
One by one the Thong tribe opened the boxes.
"Got my computer and printer!" said Jules.
"Really good Jules, hmmm, just one thing, where are you going to plug them
in?"asked Janet.
(a resounding *SHIT* was heard, as Jules sat trying to figure out a plan B!
The rest of the Tribe began to open thier boxes.
Lora's contained all her leather goods.There were several boxes of honey
sticks and hunyglide,and one box with several pairs of handcuffs.
"Is that everything?" Julia asked.
Everyone shook thier heads yes.
"Okay, well, no problem then, we seem to have all the essentials except for
food,clothing, water and shelter!"
***********************************
Meanwhile on the other side of the Island, The "Shlong" tribe was doing the
same thing.
Susan was appointed leader since she was the one that wrote this story :)
"Okay guys, lets see what we all managed to bring."
April opened up her box first.It contained the first fifteen chapters of
"FEARS" along with several notebooks of half-finished chapters.
Shan opened up hers which had several cans of Tofu,which only SHE would eat!
Susan brought KtK flyers and a guidebook on how to tell all the chat room
Kellys apart.
"Okay then,looks like we are all set!" Susan said.
Just then, or well, actually just now, A camera crew appeared along with
thier island Host, he made the trip to both teams.
"Welcome to Uffer Surviver Island" .
"And who might you be?" Jules Asked.
"I am your very tan and not so shabbily built host Dick D Dick.but you can
call me Dick! Myself, along with a camera crew will be over there in a really
nicely furnished tent Eating McDonalds while you all search for inedible
,disgusting,crawly things."
"Okay, *Dick* anything you say!" said Lora smiling. :)
The host continued."As you all know, for the next two weeks,or how long it
might take Susan to finish this ridiculous take-off on a fairly decent show,
which is actually popular with fans and gets to remain on the air, unlike
certain *other* shows*! you are here to starve, struggle, fight with each
other and make fools out of yourselves on camera because your all after the
*big* prize.
(not to be confused with a certain prize patrol that only shows up at certain
folks houses in the midwest after UFO's land on thier roofs and the only
thing they need/want is money to fix thier roofs, and /or buy tractors.
"You will have a little bit of time to set things up, and then I will come
back later to leave you a challenge in a bottle that will *hang* off of a
tree".
With that, Mr.*Dick* went away, leaving the Uffers with the task of setting
up thier island (Paradise).
Over at the Thong tribe, Realising that April was on the other side of the
Island with unread chapters of FEARS, and that Susan who wrote this story,
needed them all together to write dialog for this tale that made *almost*
sense in a strange way, they all decided it would be a good time to team
up.So they packed thier stuff, got into a canoe and sailed over.
Finally the Uffers were all together again, The Tribe,now renamed *PENIS* Set
about organising themselves.once settled in, they hoisted the flag, with the
picture of Well, you can guess, right? LOL!!! (BIG HINT)...... (check out the
new tribal name!)
and two large balls! (They would have hoisted a petard, but that was left
behind on the boat!)
The tent was set up.made from rattan and Lora's leather, it looked pretty
sturdy.
Next, they got a make-shift cooking area set-up.a mutual vote was taken,but
ignoring that, Susan(knowing how much they all enjoyed her previous
meals,elected herself tribal cook.
Jules set about chopping alot of rattan, as she couldn't type out what was
going on on her computer,she needed to carve it all.
And everyone else was going to be used as soon as Susan could think of
something for them to do!!
*******WEEK ONE ON UFfer SURVIVER ISLAND!!******************
"Hello!! This is you host Dickie D Dicks again!
As you can see, its been a tough week for the Uffer buds.
Jules carving knife had given out, and she searched for the past week looking
for another to continue her carvings of the goings on here.
Shan was voted out of the island kitchen because she snuck tofu into Susans
island unknown creature stew.
Jules is still counting all the *pets* she brought along on the trip, after a
mysterious tale was sighted floating in Julia's evening meal.
Lora, deciding that she actually wanted to wear some of her leather,took a
few pieces off the top of the UFfers official sleep tent right before a local
monsoon hit the Island.
Janet, up to now has been a silent Uffer surviver.
April has been enclosing all french paragraphs of FEARS into a bottle and
sending it into the ocean, hoping it would reach anyone in Paris! .
************WEEK TWO ON SURVIVER UFfer ISland!******************
"Well folks! Its down to the last week on "Uffer Surviver Island", Hi there!!
As you might recall, I am your host Dickie D Dicks, and we have gathered the
Penis Tribe together for the challenge that will either lead them to the *Big
Prize* .
Yes!! thats right!! In just a little while or till the end of this story, one
of those Uffers will leave, taking with them,something they will never
forget!).
(unlike anything you are reading here, which you will do almost ANYTHING to
forget!)
"Hey guys!!" Susan ran up to everyone,"Its here!!, our Island challendge!"
"Let me see that!!" April grabbed it out of her buds hands, and after beta
reading it, read it aloud.
"PENIS TRIBE!! you are challenged to find your way to the other side of the
Island,going through,lots of stuff to get there! up to and inklewding the
following! Deadly snakes,extreame heat,and other stuff that most likely was
seen previously on Voyage to the bottom of the Sea" episodes, before being
edited out by the Sci-Fi channel to make room for commercials!
"Sounds easy enough!" said Julia.
"How do you figure that Julia?" Asked Jill who had returned after a long
absense!
"Simple!! at the end of every *Voyage* episode, Everyone was always okay, and
sailed off till the next week!"
*********WEEK THREE ON SURVIVER UFFER ISLAND!**************
I know what your thinking!! your thinking that previously it was said that
this would only be a two week stint on the Island!!
Well to answer that, I can only say this..
Yeah!!!! and Gilligan and crew were just going on a three hour tour!!"!!!!!!
(And now back to our endless Forever. (Well, you
know!).........................
Chopping thier way through the thick foliage(Dang! i spelled that!! aren't
you proud April?) the Determined Uffers took up the challenge with a ferocity
born of strong will, fortitude, a need to know what the heck the reward was,
and a really incredible need to get out of this story already!.
Gads that was so poetic!!
"Guys!! I think I see something up ahead!" yelled out Lora, who was feeling a
bit hot in her leather.
Sure enough! It was the foundation for a Walmart that was coming soon!
but besides that, it was a notice, stuck on the trunk of a tree.
It read : "HA!! well, you have made it this far, have you?
and sure enough, they had!!
Think you missed a few paragrahs of thier struggle through the exotic Island?
okay, here is a quick recap:...............
Lora,using a sword she bought at a Highlander con, chopped through the thick
tree's
clearing the way for the other Uffers that followed behind her!
Gail came in looking for a tell-tale sign of the prize, but was voted out
again by the tribal council .
Jules, finally found out that it was NOT one of her pets that was floating in
the Island Stew, which begged the question, what the heck was than?
During the night,it got really cold, forcing April to toss the newly written
chapter sixteen of FEARS into the campfire,making her to once again delay
posting!
**********WEEK FOUR ON SURVIVER UFFER Island!!!****************
Dickie D Dicks here, and yes! this is finally the last time we will meet!!
You have survived many things to get to this point,and a deprogrammer is
waiting just off the Island to make sure you forget every part of what you
read up to now, because the surgeon general has determined that susan's
storys can be hazerdous to anyones health!
But putting that aside, let us speak of many things. He pulled a pocketwatch
out of his pants and continued..... "of ships and sails, and cabbages, and
kings, and"..
Jules was beginning to get a little suspicious about this *host*!!!!
Julia shouted, "Lets get on with it already!!"
The Host continued......
"The first one making it to that 62' Caddy over there at the far side of the
Island, gets whats in the trunk!"
Well, The Uffers thinking, that this could only mean one thing,prepared to
fight each other in order to get to the prize first!
(Insert a scene from a Star Trek episode where Kirk, Spock and Dr.McCoy would
be going against each other for no reason in particular, except to make sure
Captain Kirks shirt got ripped in strategic places!)
Note to readers: Had to reuse scenes from shows that dont belong in this
story to save writing production costs!) LOL!!!
After the Uffers battled each other, a ragged team desperatly fought thier
way towards the car........
Gasp, cough, ..............
"I made it! Its mine, its mine!! I got the prize!!!!"
Shouted Sandra!!!!.
Now, I know what your thinking!! Sandra wasen't even IN the story till now!!
LOL!!!
She opened the trunk, expecting to see well, basically, Nick in the
see-through Knightie, as usual, BUT!!!. what was there instead was a note
from our beautiful blond.......
It read" To whomever wins and dosen't find me,i just found out that Lacroix
is really your host Dickie D Dicks, and he has ordered me to return to him,
so until next time,
With affection, NICK!
"WHAT!!!" Shouted Jules,"I KNEW there was something about that host guy!!"
"So thats it?" we dont get anything for reading this entire story?"
Just than, Susan came along with a tray...........
"Fellow Uffers! Of course you get something, here is a little repast i
prepared for the trip home"!!!
Screams of agony filled the air, as one by one, the Uffers dove into the
water, thinking that those fins swimming around were safer to deal with than
anything they would eat!!"
The End!!!
Well, thats it for now.......
hope you liked it :)
watch for the next Uffer tale coming to a theatre near you!! :)
HUGS!! Susan