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Date: 3/24/01 2:54:27 PM Central Standard Time From: [email protected] "The UFfish Old Stuff Roadshow" By: Susan Ellen Field Dedicated to Lorelei,who's wonderful storys keep us all *Dancing* for Joy! All FK characters that might appear during this story belong to JP and company, i just keep them from time to time for my own amusement :) All UF folk included are as usual used without any permission at all... LOL! Permission to post anyplace.... :) And now to begin, here is the usual Rambling pre-speech to explain this story :) Ever have a time when you are sick with the cold or the flu and want to watch tv but TPTB have taken away everything you love,replacing it with shows you dont like and your just too sick to get off the dang couch to pop a tape in? and then, you just flip a channel, ultimatly finding programs that show ordinary folk bringing in old junk from thier houses to have appraised? Well guys, here is my version of that.. ************************************************** "Good Evening Folks!! As you know, We here at the Old Stuff Roadshow.We travel the world looking for the unique and unusual things people collect,only to look it over and tell them what they already knew, that it was garbage to begin with! Tonights show is coming to you live from UFfish town,where we have a wide array of goodys to look at with distain... "We start off with our first guest, illinois Jules".... "So lets begin.I see you have a matched set of Theatre seats',why not tell us a bit about them'. "Well, I attend alot of theatre, and well, these two seats afforded me some of the best views,so one day I said, "You know? Why not just bring them home, i mean i keep paying for them over and over again to sit in anyhow, right? plus that way whenever my favorite actor returns, I can just have the seats with me, and not worry about trying to get into them before anyone else?" "Wonderful thinking!!" said the host, coughing into his hanky... Well, as to the apprasal,They are clearly numbered #11 and # 12, which raises the value.. there are signs of wear and tear.. which lowers the value..and look here!! I found these honey sticks wedged inside the seats!!" "I wondered where those went!!" Said Jules, grabbing them out of the hosts hand. "So whats your take on the price for these?" "While i think the seats are a lovely example of basic theatre seats, the value is not high... however, i am personally willing to pay a high price for the honey sticks!!". "Wasen't that exciting folks?" and now lets move along... "I see that you have brought a wonderful example of Roman Sculpture " Lacroix sat back."Yes,I was quite pleased with it'. "It appears to be authentic,a clear example of the sculptures that appeared in Pompeii,right before Lava poured all over some brothel,amazing how you were able to find a Sculpture that bears an uncanny resemblance to you!" "Yes, isn't it?" "So I can assume this gentleman was a ancester of yours?" Lacroix smirked... "You may assume whatever you like"... "Well, as to the Value, while it is a wonderful example of the Sculpture being done circa 79 AD,It does show signs of disrepair...The host pointed with his finger... NO!! not that one!! "As you can see, at one point or another, the head was actually glued back on to the neck..the signs of super-glue are clearly visible around the neck area... (Lacroix suddenly started looking at the neck of the apraiser. (THUMP THUMP...) ""Super glue? did I say super glue?" what I meant to say was.. (THUMP THUMP) "This sculpture is Sup....erior!!" "Lacroix stood up and shook his hand.. "Thankyou for coming this evening... you have been a *Prince* of a guest! "Thankyou "...He said as he walked away, Sculpture under his arm. And now folks,lets step over to the table here where we have yet another Unique item. And what have we here?" "Well, said April, displaying the pages... "Fears Of The Knight".. hmmm... Tell us about it please ,asked the host, seeing the noticible aging around the edges,and that was just the two writers.... "It began four years ago, By Susan and me..' "Er, April? shouldn't that be"Susan and I"? ""See what i get for teaching her how to actually speak something other than susanese?" "Shall we continue then?" said the host... "Amazing story!!" please, tell me about these pages to the left of the table".. "Rewrites"... said April. "Well ladies and Gents, what we have here is basically a fine example of writing from the late 20th century.It has actually survived to this the 21st century and continues to be an on-going story in progress!!" April listened, thinking this story might actually be worth the big bucks!! Since it appears to be unfinished at this time,the value can only increase as the years go by,however,my advice is to finish it before this century ends,or it will have to be placed on little disks which can only be listened to thousands of years from now by a Morlock or an Eloi,while the original pages will be just dust grounded up in your hands like so much termite poop.... And so Susan and April collected the story under thier arms, and headed for a chat.... And now folks, we have here what appears to be a pocket watch"!!! Please tell the audience that is falling asleep right about now, a little something about it".. "Well, its something that has been "In the family" for a long time.. "Hmmm, so passed through the generations, interesting"... Yes, Passed up and back and up and back'....can't get rid of the darn thing!"... "As we open it up, we see it is engraved with the word "Forever"... Nicholas wispered into the hosts ear "How about you smuggle me out of the country in one of those antique trunks, away from Lacroix and out of Susan's story in exchange for the watch?" "Wait till after the show and we can discuss it!"... And now we come to the part of the program that we like to call"Looking over really old stuff that we had to talk about , in order to fill blanks in Susan's story".... Folks, what we have here is a really fine example of medieval armor.. It has the chain mail, the Email, the.. well, you know.. lots of stuff!! but lets get a closer look, shall we?" upon further investigation, we have what appears to be actual medieval pee!! That's right folks!!! Some unfortunate guy back in the dark ages, didn't know how to put together the armor in the right order,which as you can tell by the dark stain, presented our erstwhile knight with a dilemma!! fight in the Crusades, or look for a good locksmith!! dontcha just love history?' The host walked over to the next table.... And here we have another example of medieval wear...,a long sheer knightie... that one could imagine the knight wearing as he walked across an ancient landfill,leading with the left leg... hair golden, streaming down the back of his head,.. Beautiful of face and form...heading towards a light... calling him,calling him to the light...and to a guy that looked like Lacroix wearing alot leather on a hot day! The host got a glazed look on his face as he watched the previous guest walk by, with another previous guest... "How dare you attempt to give away that watch again!" "Geez Lacroix, relax, it was only going to be a loan till i got to LA!!"... "Really Nicholas, you have to stop running away to the very same hotel all the time! "Oh like I can help it that i'm reduced to only running to places in reruns? " You will come back to me Nicholas!!" "Yeah yeah, Dad,i know the speech"... "Yes, well folks, lets continue with the program, shall we?" "So what have you brought to me, my good woman?" "Well, said Natalie,"Its a Black Buddha,thought to be in the ships safe of the Titanic"! "Fascinating!!" "And you came to it how?" Well,a friend of mine that well, frankly forgets special occasions and when he does, only gifts me with really cheap flowers and cards that are written with no emotion at all,had it in his place'.. "Yes?" "Well, i figured, after the last time we were together and he was suppose to bring me across but didn't,and then just gave me a peck on the cheek.. i figured he owed me something..so i took it"... "Ah, i see!!" "So is it worth something?" Well legend has it, as i am sure you have heard, says it grants wishes!".. "kewl!! Said Natalie, then i wish to be let out of this story right now!!".. and with that she vanished!!! It was at this exact moment that Gail popped in and out trying to make a bid on an antique Harp in the next room..... but some blond guy in the back distracted her and well... the price went up too high... The host continued... "Lets just peruse the room a bit an listen to snippets of conversation ,shall we?" "I must say Lorelei that this sled is wonderful"!! "Yes, isn't it? I especially love the "Rosebud " printed on it!"! "And you say that this television only recieves old programs like Barney miller, Vegas, and Starsky and Hutch?" "Yeah, plus thousands more!!" said Laurie... "And you say that this is actual remnants of foods Susan made you consume in previous storys? It's amazing, i thought they were leftovers of a meal served during the Jurassic era...' "Actually, said Julia, i think they were, Susan knows how to recycle old S....T!!!! as evidenced in the references to many things preciously used and abused in earlier storys!! :) "And you say that this particular DVD player can find Nigel anytime, anyplace on any channel?" sure can!!" Said Jules, printing out the entire story as she perused the satellite tv book... "And so folks, that brings us to the conclusion of yet another episode of "Old Stuff Roadshow".. I dont know about you, but I have seen enough here.. LOL!!! We hope you will join us next time, when our program takes us to a place truly filled with useless things... you guesssed it! The offices of the Powers that be!!! Hope to see you all there! The End... Hope you enjoyed this little repast folks... Love and Hugs to all my UFfish buds that actually tke the time to read this stuff!! |