The Nuts and Bolts Of Romance
April Hackett and Susan Field
........... Jules was feeling frustrated. Work was getting to her, she couldn't seem to pull her next slant together, and to top it off, no one seemed to remember her birthday! She sat in front of her computer and stared at the blank screen as 'Tainted Love' softly played in the background.
"*!@#$%$#@," Jules, UF slant-master exclaimed and shoved herself away from the computer. "I need a break." Suddenly, there came a tapping, not so gentle rapping on her apartment door.
"Damn, good timing," she muttered under her breath and rose to see who was banging on her door.
"Who's there?" she asked, looking through the peephole.
"Delivery, ma'am," was the muffled reply.
"Delivery, are you crazy? It's nearly midnight!" She wiggled her head around, trying to see the shadowy figure more clearly through the little hole. Following a vague reply about special delivery service, she muttered, "Well, at least they do have a box," and opened the door. (Yes, yes... I know you wouldn't 'really' do such a thing, but play along, okay? (g))
The tall, shadowy figure stepped closer, revealing a second, really small person who had been initially blocked from her view. The tall figure handed Jules a card as she began to demand, "Now, who the hell...?"
The brilliantly articulated card proudly proclaimed, 'HACKETT AND FELD', pair extra-ordinare. Right under that declaration in smaller print it read: 'Special Delivery Service'.
"HMMMMM! Okay, what is it, who's it from, and how much is it gonna cost!" Jules demanded as she watched the pair turn and disappear round the corner of the walkway. Hearing a lot of huffing and quietly muttered curses, she waited as this strange pair moved her delivery up to her door.Jules' eyes grew large and her mouth dropped open when a huge box slowly rounded the building and approached her. "What... I didn't... Where did it... For me?" she finally managed to utter as the box was manhandled to a stop in front of her. She just loved surprises!
"It's really big, isn't it." She looked from the tall delivery person to the package and realized the box had to be nearly 6 feet tall.
"Here you are ma'am. You want us to bring it inside for you?" asked the shorter delivery person.
"You never answered me from before. I don't want to be stuck with the bill for this, whatever it is!"
"No ma'am. There's no charge," purred the sexy female voice with just a tinge of a Brooklyn accent.
The pair shoved mightily, maneuvering the large box into Jules' tastefully decorated, printer paper strewn living room. "Put it in the corner over there," she directed, waving her hand vaguely to the right.
Her ever-faithful companions, the 'Rat Pack', eyed it with wonder and delight. Now, if they're blonde headed owner would just forget about closing their cage, this new object showed definite possibilities for exploring and burrowing. (g)
"Sign here," said the small attractive woman with the green eyes and raven colored hair. (g) "Hey, that was supposed to be my line!" the tall one muttered to her partner as Jules grabbed the pen and scribbled a signature on the paper. With that, the pair hurried out the door, a muted argument starting concerning who was supposed to get the next stop's spoken lines.
"I didn't get to say anything!" the tall one huffed.
"It *is* my story..." the short one began.
"But, I'm doing the writing," the tall one retorted.
"All right. All...right! You can delivery the spiel at the next stop," the short one relented, as they disappeared around the corner.
Closing and locking her door, Jules turned somewhat anxiously toward the box. She slowly circled round it, looking for something that would identify what was inside. "Man!! This is one huge box!" {Jules is always astute, you see! (g)} She noticed an envelope attached near the top corner, so she jerked it loose and took out the card it contained.
It simply said: Happy Birthday to Da Jules Hugs and Love from A Nonymous
"Is that a person I forgot to add to the loop?! This was really strange. With her curiosity finally overpowering her, she attacked her package, slinging the packing material over her shoulder with a gleeful giggle.
"Oh my G-d!" she sputtered. It was a genuine *Love Babe* {copyright pending, some assembly required}. Peering further into the box, Jules laughed happily, "It's a 'Robot Nick'. Kewl, though I would have preferred a 'Robot LaCroix' if I was only getting one." She pulled a fistful of papers out into the light and started thumbing through them. There was a catalog enclosed, with yet another note attached.
It read: Dear gift recipient This is but one half of the gift ordered for you. We are temporarily out of stock on the companion piece, "Robot LaCroix". We will be shipping that order out as soon as possible. If you're ever in the vicinity, please visit our headquarters 'When In Rome', California,
"Oh Goody!!! Jules was beside herself with joy, (cause there wasn't anyone else around her, she had to be beside herself, or she would be alone in the room! But you knew that right?) Concentrating on the next problem, she began to pull her new toy out of the box, including the 10 bags of nuts and bolts and screws that were supposed to hold him together.
Hours later, she was still sitting on the floor with a gazillion pieces of 'Robot Nick' spread all around her. She picked up the assembly instructions again and looked through the pages, cursing the company, the delivery persons, and especially who ever had designed to send this knightmare her way. "I can't believe this!" she fumed in frustration. "I don't *know* anyone who reads Japanese."
She looked up as another rap n' tap sounded from her door. "Thank G-d. A break," she mumbled, rising up from the floor with a groan. "I haven't been this busy since the last chat night," she growled to herself. (Jules can throw a damn fine sarcastic phrase when the mood hits her. (g))
Glancing through the peephole again, she gasped at what she saw. Jules straightened up in surprise. "No, it *can't* be!" she breathed in disbelief. Planting her eye back to the hole, she looked again. "My word... A big smile began to spread across her face as he stared at the tall man standing impatiently outside her door. He was tall, his hair was in a buzz cut, and he had what appeared to be the bluest eyes she had ever seen.
"It can't be!!" she cried out.
"You're right. It *can't*," a velvet smooth, masculine voice replied through the door. Jules jerked the door open and stood utterly speechless (yes, I know, but this *is* fiction, (g)) as he handed her a card.
"Again with the cards..." she muttered as she turned it right side up and read it. The card read, 'Appian Way' assemblers, Inc.
"I'm here to assist you in any way possible, my dear," he purred in a gorgeous, seductive voice. Jules felt a shiver of delight run up her back as her rapture shifted into overdrive. "I might have a few ideas about that," she said to herself as he moved past her into the living room. She jerked her eyes off his firm butt when she realized he had spoken again.
"Excuse me?"
"I said," he repeated himself, "Would you mind helping me *bring him across*?" and pointed toward the silent robot and the surrounding mess.
"Me? You're kidding, right?" Glancing at his handsome facade, Jules felt her attention beginning to wander again. With a small jerk, she tried to concentrate on the conversation. "I don't think I can help you. I'm not, well...you know..."
"No, my dear. You must remember this is but a work of fiction where all things are really strange," he replied. Turning toward the robot, he glanced over his shoulder at her and said, "What I meant was, would you help me bring *him* across the room. There's not enough space to work on him in the corner."
"Oh, yeah, I knew you meant that. He does seem to be a bit scattered doesn't he?" Jules replied.
"I have found him to be so at times, yes," the handsome man replied in a strange faraway voice, while a small smirk flashed across his face.
"By the way," Jules began as she swept the nuts and bolts together, "I didn't quite catch your name."
"Just call me "Nightcrawler."
A strange expression crossed her face at the mention of his name. "Nah, couldn't be," she whispered and shook her head.
The Nightcrawler lifted the instructions from the pile of parts and scanned through them. "HMMMM," he said, "I don't know why the company sends the instructions out like this. Most of their clients read English, not Japanese."
"I don't mind at all," Jules mumbled, staring happily at her very welcome guest.
"Well, let's get started..." he paused and looked at the smiling young woman, waiting for an introduction. When he realized that she wasn't going to reply, the Nightcrawler, sighed. "Not another Cousin..."
Turning to the robot, he began to work on 'Robot Nick'.
Several hours later, the two busy assemblers stepped back and gazed upon their efforts.
"He is magnificent!" Jules declared.
"Yes, isn't he?" agreed the Nightcrawler, looking over his handy work.
Jules continued to look over the handsome robot. "Hmmm, this might be fun after all," she muttered to herself. (Does Jules seem to mutter an lot? (g)) However, she couldn't help but feel that something was...missing on 'Robot Nick'. Glancing around, she spied something shiny lying under part of the discarded box. Jules walked over and rescued the unattached piece. It was big and smooth and perfectly round. Grinning, she walked over to the Nightcrawler and handed him the missing part. "You must install this piece."
"Why, I believe you're right, my dear," Nightcrawler replied. "That's one piece that shouldn't be forgotten." Working to secure that special piece of art to its rightful location, he glanced back over his shoulder and teased, "I wouldn't want to do a 'half ass' job, now would I?"
"Argh, that one was awful," Jules complained with a grin. When Nightcrawler straightened up, she asked excitedly, "Is everything fully functional now?"
The Nightcrawler started to pull something out of his trousers in reply to Jules question.
"No! I didn't mean that," she retorted with exasperation. Then thinking better of it, she quickly added, "Not yet, anyway." (g)
Giving Jules an intense look, he pulled the object he had been reaching for out and handed it to her. It was a golden key. "This is for you, my dear."
"What it is?" she asked, turning it over in her hands.
"It's the key to his heart," Nightcrawler replied. He frowned slightly when she continued to stand motionless, with the exception of her hands, which continued to caress the large golden key. "Well, go on, my dear. He is yours to turn on."
Jules looked at her companion in surprise as his voice broke through her unprintable thoughts. With a lurid smile, she slowly inserted, then turned the key. (Place the keyhole anywhere you want, dear readers. (g))
"I did mention he comes with a money back guarantee, did I not?"
"No way!" Jules replied happily. Suddenly the mechanical love machine began to come to life!
"OH NUTS!" exclaimed the Nightcrawler. "I believe we forgot to install something else."
Glancing at the handful of gold the Nightcrawler held, she laughed and replied, "Yes, I believe they are." "Can you handle this problem okay?" she asked with a mischievous gleam in her eyes as she stared at the golden nuggets in his hand.
"Really, my dear. Not 'those' nuts." The Nightcrawler lifted a large bag into view. "I meant these nuts," he continued, as he shook the bag to demonstrate all the extra pieces that were left off in the assembly of 'Robot Nick'.
"Since he's running, I supposed they aren't really needed," the Nightcrawler murmured and tossed the bag aside. "Time I gave your 'Nick' a test run. Can't have him performing unsatisfactorily later one."
"Yes, please do, Mr. Nightcrawler," Jules said as she made herself comfortable.
The Nightcrawler stroked one hand down the cool chest of robot Nick before moved behind him. He placed his hands against Robot Nick's hips and attempted to hold him still.
"Now hold still," the Nightcrawler commanded. "I need to make sure you're screwed firmly." (Oh Susan, that was a stinker. (g))
A slightly mechanical voice that sounded a bit, Welsh/Canadian/Shakespearean replied, "I was hoping you would say that!!"
The Nightcrawler went about his task. He inserted his long rod into Robot Nick and gave it a slight push. You had to be firm with these new models after all. Robot Nick stopped fidgeting as his programming began to kick in. With the sensations flooding the Nightcrawler, he dropped the balls he was still holding, causing them to roll toward Jules.
"OUCH!" she cried when the balls banged painfully against her foot. "I didn't realize they would be so heavy," Jules stated, surprised.
The Nightcrawler stepped away from Robot Nick temporarily and picked up the golden globes. "He wouldn't be as effective if they weren't," he said with a smile and a wink.
After making the necessary adjustments, the Nightcrawler made sure everything was nice and tight. Moving back into position, he humped and pounded into the willing robot, until they both were close to fulfillment. Just as things were about to eclipse, Robot Nick thrust back against the Nightcrawler, knocking them both to the ground.
"Wow, that's what I call a hard on," Jules declared, laughing.
Nightcrawler climbed out from under Robot Nick and staggered to him feet. "You're not kidding," he sighed as he helped the robot back to his feet.
As the shiny body walked by, the Nightcrawler reached out and slapped Nick's butt. "Ow!" he yelled, shaking his hand in pain. "I've got to stop doing that. One of these times, I'm going to break my hand."
"Well, is everything working all right now?" Jules asked.
"Hmmm, once I've tightened the last loose screw, he'll be all yours," Nightcrawler replied.
Jules, feeling a bit flushed by the sudden turn of events in the slant-quarters said, "I need a beer. Would either of you care for one also?"
"No thank you, my dear. I provide my own refreshments!" Suddenly the Nightcrawler's fangs descended. Advancing on Robot Nick, he pulled the handsome, golden robot into his arms and sank his fangs in for a quick drink -- or tried to anyway. There was a sickening crunch, followed quickly by a sharp pain as his fangs shattered against the hard metal encasing Robot Nick. The Nightcrawler looked down and frowned. "That's another thing I have to remember not to do!"
Stepping back, the Nightcrawler turned to Jules. "I believe he's just about ready for you. All that's ended to finish up is apply a bit of lubrication.
"How about honey sticks?" she asked.
Glancing down, the Nightcrawler looked at Nick's groin, then frowned as he looked back at Jules.
"No, I mean these honey sticks!" Jules said, showing him her collection of the sweet confection.
"Ahhh...no. I don't think so, but thank you."
Hours later the deed was done and Robot Nick was all finished.
There was a loud knock on the door. Jules yawned and stretched back in her chair. Had she fallen asleep writing again? The knocking sounded again from her door.
Looking through the peephole, she realized she knew the couple on the other side of her door. "This night is full of surprises!" she exclaimed as she opened the door. It was the strange delivery persons that had appeared in her dream.
The tall cerebral one handed her a card. Taking it, she read what was printed there. It said 'Hackett and Field', pair extra-ordinare!"
Jules felt just a twinge of deja-vu. She looked up just in time to witness the pair as they broke into an elaborate tap dance number, which led into a really great rendition of 'Happy Birthday'. When the last note died away, they pushed in a really huge birthday cake. The decorations represented the timeframe of Pompeii, including a spectacular lava flow when the candles were lit.
Hackett and Field then presented their beloved Jules with gifts. Field nudged Hackett forward so she could present Jules with a completed piece of fiction. "Here it is...," she said with a smile, "In spite of all the rewrites," she informed her friend with a laugh.
Field stepped up and gave Jules a book entitled "A Thousand and One Song Lyrics you can apply to Slash."
Da Jules, overcome with emotion, hugged them both as they tipped their hats and tapped out of sight. The pair was heard to say, "Happy birthday, dear Jules and to you a "Forever Knight!"
WE LOVE YA JULES!!!!!
Finis