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Date: 4/19/00 11:34:56 AM Central Daylight Time
From: [email protected]
UF: "MAll UFfers"
By: Susan Ellen Field
This is a extra birthday gift to the best writing partner and most wonderful
bud anyone could ask for, namely April Hackett , who has the exact same
birthday as GER! (April 20th)
So its kinda for him too , as am I :)
Permission to post anyplace :)
Disclaimer:the FK characters belong to James d Parriott,I am just using them
for a bit.
All UFfers featured in this story are used and abused without permission as
usual :)
Beta Read? LOLOLOLOL!!!! YEAH, RIGHT!!
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"Damn!" exclaimed Nick going through his closet.Although he loved being a
detective, it was awfully hard on his clothes, not to mention all the
sex-filled nights he was having with Lacroix lately!
He looked over the Silk shirts layed out on the bed.Every one of them had at
least one bullett hole in them, and buttons yanked off, and of course those
*stains* that just wouldn't come out in the wash!!!!
"Well, guess its time to buy some new clothes!".
Nick remembered seeing an Ad for a new exclusive mens shop in the mall that
had just had its grand opening a few days ago.
Since it was his night off ,he put on his leather jacket and flew out the
window.
..............................................................................
.................................
Arriving at his destination a short time later,Nick was greeted by a sales
clerk.
"Yes sir?" How may I help you?"
"I'm interested in the silk shirts you advertised".
"Oh yes, we carry only the very best, in every colour,and size."
"I actually would only be interested in red and black,perhaps a dark blue,and
oh yeah, a pink one!"
"Pink?"
"Its for wearing while I play my VR game."
The clerk shook his head and added in,"Would you perhaps be interested in
trousers to go with those sir?"
"Yes".
After taking measerments of Nicks impressive inseam,The clerk hurried off and
set about gathering the items, with a huge smile on his face.
It was at this very same time, that Uffers were walking through the mall.
Susan needed to find just the perfect gift for her Bud April, and had asked
her fellow Uffers, who wanted to purchase gifts for April as well, to go the
the mall with her.
After walking through about fifty stores,and eating thier way through the
food court, the UFfers were passing a exclusive mens shop.The Mannequins in
the window were very impressive, and The group could not help but notice that
they were anatomically correct!
(Of course, being UFfers, its written in the bylaws that we all must notice
things like that!!!)
Just As Lora was about to make a remark about plastic peckers, the group
could not help but notice that Susan got a strange look on her face, (even
stranger than the one she usually has.)They watched as she stepped closer to
the store window.
"GUYS!!!" OH MY GOSH!!!! exclaimed Susan."LOOK!! its NICK!"
Julia snickered."Must have been something you ate at the food court
Susan,Everyone knows that Nicks clothes through the magic of television
magically regenerate themselves after every bullet hole, blood stain, and or
wear and tear from sex that we write him doing!".
"I'm telling you guys it him!"
The group, disbelieving, but curious,decided to cave to Susan's obvious
delusions and see for themselves.
Lora, Julia,Jules Janet and Gail huddled against the shop window , and
watched the exchange between a tall blond man and a salesman.
"OH SHIT!!" shouted Janet!!! It *IS* Nick!!!!!
"This calls for plan* B*!" Susan said, squinting her eyes.
"Er, what was plan *A* Susan?" whispered Janet.
"Um, Er, Well, Nevermind! plan B is much better!" Susan answered (who in
writing this, actually never thought up a plan A, or a plot for this story!).
"Gather round guys, we have plans to make!"
Since the hour was becoming late, the few customers that remained in the
shop left one by one, leaving Nick the only customer. There was a tingling
sensation in the back of his neck,something he only felt when another Vampire
was around. (or worse!! UFFERS!)He started to concentrate and focus in on it,
but was distracted by the clerks return.
"Here we are sir,I am sure you will find these to your liking,please, follow
me to the changing room".
"Okay everyone, this is ,lets go!!"
Nick followed the clerk .The changing room was elegant.it had a four
cubicles, a few inches away from each other.He was shown into the one marked
# 11 and handed his collection of clothes to try on.
The sales clerk came out to find he had another *unusual* customer.
"Er, may I help you, er, *SIR*?
The person before him was tall.VERY tall,seven feet at least......... wearing
a long overcoat that seemed to bulge in odd places!
A voice emerged from the head that peeked out from the over-sized hat.
it was a strange deep voice.
"Yes, My friends and I,...er what I mean is, *I* would like to see what you
have in silk shirts'.
"Pardon me sir? but wouldn't you be best served in a large and big *MAN* shop?
A whispered voice hollered from deep down in the coat,"Oh shit!!" ran out of
printer paper!"
"You said something sir?"
The head smiled nervously."No, I mean, I think that the clothing here will be
just fine.May I see some shirts please? '
"Very well. i'll just be a moment".
A short time after that, the strange customer was led into the changing booth
marked # 12 !
Secure inside, the coat was unbuttoned, and several Uffers stepped out into
the small space.
"Well? do you see Nick?"wispered several voices in unison.
"Do I look like I can see through wood?' said Lora.
"SSSSH!!! he is in the booth next to us"! said Julia.
Suddenly the clerk reappeard and spoke through the changing room door.
"Here are the shirts you asked for".
Susan lowered her voice," Oh thanks!'she said,snaking her hand through the
wooden door and grabbing them from the perplexed clerk.
"Would you care to try on trousers to go with those?"
Lora, crunched down on the floor, and shook her head frantically to make
Susan say *no*
"Sure! Why Not?'
"Oh gads! We are doomed!!' said Gail, coming in and out of the coat.
"If I may? I need to come in and measure your inseam".
Susan thought quickly,she jumped on top of Jules and her printer and replaced
the coat around them both.securing the hat,she grabbed the hanger that was
left on the hook inside and stuck it inside the coat in a strategic
spot,then Jules ,with Susan's head sticking out the top with the hat
on,stepped outside the room slightly.
The clerk wrapped the tape measure around ,and got a quzzical look on his
face.
Susan came up with a fast explanation."Yeah, well, wife and I had a fight the
other night.
Must have taken a thousand stitches to get the dang thing back on.
Still not sure if its hanging quite right!"
Man those plastic casts itch!!"
The clerk quickly pulled away making a face that was best left to the
readers imagination!
He mumbled something about being right back with the trousers".
A collective gasp of relief emanated throughout the dressing room.
Susan moved her head slightly over to the left and saw a pair of bare legs
sticking from the bottom of the next changing room.
"Oh My gosh!!' its Nicks Legs!!"
Her excitement made her topple backwards, and both she and Jules and Jules
printer, fell into the changing room the Uffers were in, crashing down on top
of them.
"Quiet everyone!! the sales clerk is returning!" said Janet.
The clerk returned with the trousers and not wanting to really see or *touch*
this strange customer any more than he already had, simply layed the pants
down in front of the stall and announced they were there, moving along to the
next stall.
Nick stepped out wearing the new clothes and went over to the mirror to see
how they looked and fit.
"These are wonderful, i'll take everything", he said to the salseman.
"Will that be cash or charge sir?"
"Cash". i'll just get dressed and be out in a moment'
"I will have your items bagged and waiting for you"
Nicks vampiric hearing allowed him to hear the strange voices from the next
stall.....
He decided to just pay for his items and leave as quickly as possible, as
whoever,or *whatever* was there was more than he needed to know!
"Did you hear that?" sais Susan to the Uffers. "Nicks leaving!!"
"Well we can't do anything about that Susan!' Julia said trying to squeeze
herself back into the overcoat.
"Hmmmmmm, well there just might be something"!!"
The group wasen't sure about the expression on thier friends face. Susan at
her best was insane... at the full peak of her brain power, she was
frighteningly maniacal!
"You all know that even though we spent this entire story walking through the
mall, and hiding in this cubicle, we still haven't gotten April anything for
her birthday,right?".
Well everyone had to agree with that for sure!
"Well, gather round, while I introduce plan D!".
"What happened to plan *C * Susan? Gail asked, coming in and out of the
dialog.
"It got bounced from the story, you all know how unpredictable AOL can be!".
"Okay UFfers lets go!"
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Later on that evening, a tapping, gentle rapping, came upon Aprils door.
(Could have been a *Raven* but that was someone elses story, and we all know
about copyright infringement, right? LOLOL!!! oh yeah, like we care!!!! LOLOL!
"Hm!! wonder who that could be this time of the *Knight*.
Dressed in a bathrobe, she opened the door up, and found herself staring into
a giant load of multi-coloured balloons that all had "Happy Birthday April"
written on them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Oh my!! April was overcome, she was so surprised!!"
(yeah right!)
After hugs and kisses were out of the way, the Uffers brought in the birthday
cake that Susan had managed to bake a few weeks back!!! :).
Susan thought what the heck, green was an Easter colour, right? and it had a
soft layer of fuzzy stuff, just like a bunny!
After the candles were lit, (and the fireman were put on standby),
April blew them out and made her wish.
(Since it was exactly the same wish as Susan always makes, it didn't count!)
GEEZ!! what a birthday wish thief that woman is!)
Anyway, after the cake was eaten, and everyone made the thousand or so trips
to the bathroom to remove it from thier stomachs and reach for pepto,
(HEY!! *pink* is an Easter colour too!.)The gang was ready to present April
with her gift .
(No, wasen't the little nightie that Grace gave Nat !) even though,lets face
it guys, Natalie was never, ever gonna use that! LOLOLOL!!!!
"Okay guys, you can bring it in!!!" said Susan, who didn't lift anything,
since she wrote this and felt that was enough work for one story!
April stood agast. The UFfers carried in what appeared to be a large
over-sized coat tied with leather, donated by Lora.! muffled sounds emanated
from within........
Okay April, you can unwrap it now!!"
April went over and swiftly untied the leather..........
The coat opened up to reveal...........
"NICK!!!" OH MY GOSH!!!"
Yes, thats right folks, as you may already have guessed, Uffers presented
Nick to April for one evening.....
After that, he reverted to becoming Susan's again!!!
(Due to the mature subject matter, we are unable to show you what April did
with her gift.Also what the rest of us did after she was done.)
Just how did the UFfers get Nick into that coat? just how did they, despite
his vampiric strength keep him in the coat?
Why did Lora allow Nick to be brought to April instead of her?
Why was Susan so generous? :)
Just how many bottles of pepto did the Uffers consume after eating the cake?
And What the heck did Jules use to do the rest of her print-outs on once she
ran out of paper?
well, I *can* answer that one! seems Jules used the roll out toilet tissue in
the ladies room. in the mall,leaving may unsatisfied or thorouly wiped folk
wandering about!
Just how did you all manage to read this entire story without gagging and
screaming to the computer screen, "Why can't Susan leave us all alone?"
Well, these and other questions might never be answered, except on
*Sightings* which currently airs in the timeslot our fave show used to be
in!!!
So thats it for now folks!!!!
was it dumb? oh yeah, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway :)
{{{{{{{{{{{{{APRIL}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Happiest of B-days Oh gifted one!
The End
Susan ellen field
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