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Date: 12/25/01 7:38:21 PM Central Standard Time Yeah guys, just in time for the holidays, comes something from Susan!! , I know you were all hoping you could squeeze by the holidays without being tormented by a fractured tale, but no way !! :). And so, curl up by your stockings that were hung with care, in hopes that another UFfish story soon would be there... Disclaimer: Yeah, they dont belong to me and JP and company are at present not using them so there! LOL!! Dedicated to my UFfish bud and writing partner April :) Julia, Jules, and Lorelei, came into Susan's apartment holding a humongeous package. "Susan! April! " Julia cried out."Hurry up and help us get this over to the kitchen counter!". Susan and April ran over and helped the buds carry the very heavy package. Managing just barely to get it over to the table,Julia slowly unwrapped the package for the UFfish buds to see. "Oh my gosh!! that the biggest goose I have ever seen!" "Not just any goose either!" Said Lorelei. "What do you mean?' Susan asked looking it over. "Well, as you know we have just arrived back from a con, and this was one of the auction items!! " "A goose?,Why"? Asked April. Jules continued... "As you know, when Nick arrived back from the Crusades and was staying over in Paris getting drunk and eating away on those chicken wings,turns out that was only the first course!!" "You mean?" Exactly!!" Said Jules beaming."This goose was going to be the second course served before Janette led Nicholas out to have serious sex, and he was brought across by Lacroix! but due to time contraints and budget concerns, the goose was cut out!". "But Jules", said April."That means that this goose is from 1992!" "Boy, talk about an old bird!" Said Susan. "Julia stepped in. :) "Not to worry!" she explained.It has been preserved cryogenically all these years in some warehouse next to the caddy!". "So what will you do with it now?" asked April. "I was thinking of having it framed and hung on a wall" Said Jules. "Wont it go bad?" April asked. "Nah, says here on the certificate of authenticity that this bugger will stay frozen forever unless exposed to super high beamed light!". "Kewl!" Said Susan. "Anyhow, Susan? I was wondering if I could just leave it here for a few hours while we all go to big lots to look for nick Knight on DVD? Jules asked. "Sure thing!! Jules squinted her eyes and looked at Susan."Now I'm trusting you to take care of this Susan!!" Susan smiled."You can count on me bud!" she said with a salute. "Okay then, We gotta go make calls to the Uffers to arrange for our UFmas party. "Oh, yeah, almost forgot!! I have the UFmas Turkey ready to cook!" Julia swallowed hard."Can hardly wait!". Lorelei wispered to Julia."Dont worry, April is here!"... Julia breatheed a sigh of relief. And so with that, Lorelei, Jules and Julia left Susan's apartment.... (I suppose you are all thinking at this point,"Where can this story possibly lead to? I mean does it have a point?, and what the heck does it have to do with UFmas?Well naturally being a story Susan wrote, that is a meaningless question.And so Gentle readers do continue...) **** a short time later**** "Susan, we ran out of cranberrys,I have to go to the supermarket to pick some up,you going to be alright with everything if I go to the supermarket for awhile?" "Sure April,got everything under control!". Suffice to say, April had serious trepidations! (Guess your all sitting there at this moment thinking"Oh my gosh!" Susan spelled trepidations!" But I digress!.....) Now Susan thinking that more is better, went over to the oven."Man, that bird will take an eternity to cook at this rate!"And so Susan turned the oven up to the max... A short time later,and a fast visit from the fire department, Susan had a burnt bird! "Holy Shit!" April will kill me!,what should I do?". She sat down and suddenly spied the large frozen goose on the table. "Hmmmm...That could be the solution!!"... Stepping over to the Frozen goose, Susan took the burnt turkey and placed it under the towel, thinking that she could always explain fast decomposition!" (Susan spelling all these complex words!! whats happening here?) Tying a rope that she just happened to have on a nearby table, she tied it to the goose and hauled it over to the kitchen counter. ""Best get out that bag of giblets!!" she said sticking her hand inside the frozen bird. "Man thats cold!!" she said . Feeling around, Susan quickly discovered that there weren't any giblets!! "Hmm, must have sold them at a seperate auction!". And so she began to slide her hand out.*tried* being the operative word here folks, cause remember! This bird is frozen!! "Oh Shit!!" Thinking fast she attempted to run really hot water up the birds butt to get it warm enough to remove her hand!! After twenty minutes that wasen't working!! Susan looked over at the clock."Hmmm, The guys said they were only going to big lots,sooo giving them time to drive there,allowing at least ten minutes for them to clean out the supply of Nick Knight on DVD ,standing on a long UFmas line to check out,then driving back here, they should be back in".... "We're Back!!" "OH SHIT!!!" "Jules, Julia and Lorelei excitedly put thier packages down. "So hows the bird going?, and whats all this smoke?" "Bird? gulped Susan."hahahah, oh you mean the turkey!" Julia looked at Susan who for some reason had her hand resting behind her back and covered in a towel. squinting her eyes she stepped closer. "Susan? " "Yes?" Susan answered with a smile. "Whats that behind your back?" "Back? hmmm, the chair?' now it was about this time that Jules went to check on the goose. "What happened to the goose?" "Ugh, gee, imagine that,could have sworn that bird was right there.. maybe he flew the coop?" "Show us your hand susan!" Slowly she showed them her left hand. Now the other one!" Susan twisted around and showed them the other one. "interesting!" you actually seem to have two left hands!" said julia. "Tell me you didn't do anything to that goose susan!" said Jules. "Okay, okay, i wil tell you the whole story!" and with that she did. :). "So how do we get the goose off Susan's hand?" thinking it over,plus susan trying to figure outhow to turn this story into something more ridicilous then it already was, Julia suddenly thought of the solution."You mean go all the way to the North Pole?" said Lorelei. "Its the only way. according to my theory, the only thing that can get the bird off Susan's hand is the beam from Rudolph the red nose reindeers nose!". Well gentle readers, its about now that your thinking"Why am I still reading this?" but you know you just can't tear your eyes away from it all at the same time!. A couple of days later.... "Man Oh Man, so this is the froze tundra!!" Said Jules. "Rubbing various parts of her anatomy,Julia said "Yeah, and thats not the only thing frozen here!!, lets get going!!" "Look guys, its the northern lights!" Shouted Laurie. guess we are sure to be close to the north pole now!" Said April. "How can we be sure?"Asked Marilyn. " I'm Pretty sure, see? said Gail coming out of her parka hood. "it says here with an arrow "This way to the north pole!" "Let me see that" said Julia taking it from Gails hand before she zipped herself back into the parka hood. looking at it,Julia smirked. "Thats not a map to the north Pole!! Its a page from a UFmas zine of Nick and Lacroix, where Lacroix tells him "This way to the north Pole Nicholas" As he unzips... (Well at this moment i bet your sorry some story continuing THAT might happen but....) Guess since they are the only lights on, the South,West and East must have forgotten to pay thier electric bills, huh?" Susan Said. Ignoring that, the dialog continued. "So where do we find Santas workshop anyway?" Lorelei said as her dog sled mushed passed. "Says on this map that its over that ridge,right past the Super Walmart. "They have Walmart at the North Pole?" "Oh definitely!!" said Julia. Where do you think Santa gets all those things to leave for everyone UFmas morning?". "I always thought that the workshop with UFfish elves made everything!". "Nah, they closed that workshop down years ago after the Elves got a better offer to work making Keebler cookies! Said Lora, adjusting her leather coat. "I was wondering why I found a wooden toy train in my mint chocolate chip!"Said Marilyn. April shook her head."Guess old habits die hard!". Battling the harsh conditions,The UFfers made thier way through the storm, finally they saw a light!. "There it is!!" shouted Gail coming in for that moment before going out again. Trekkinn :) to Santa's house took a bit of time as Susan was being carried along by the others with a bandage around the Goose that her hand was stuck in. suddenly the saw HIM!! "Welcome to My home UFfers!! "Santa!! good to see you old boy, but how did you know exactly who we are?" Asked Sandra. "Email". "AHHHH..... they said in unison. "Come inside and warm up , While I go and get the solution to Susan's problem. a short time later.... "Well Rudolph here she is! get to work!!" And so it was the Rudolph the red nose reindeer (By the way, know why his nose was so red? Yup! Rudolph drank the last of the UFfers beer!!)... Aiming his red nose toward Susan,she suddenly shouted when it seemed the beam was not quite where it should be!" "Do you expect me to talk?" she asked.. (and using Santa as translator ,Rudolph said"No Mr. bond, I expect you to..." "Hey wait a minute!! Said Janet."That dialog can't be right!!" Santa, taking a sip of his egg nog, which was more nog than egg, replied"Oh yeah, wrong script, hang on."Hmmm, yeah, here it is!!" Rudolph says"No Susan, I expect you to be quiet, which as we all know, wont ever happen!"... The Uffers, happy now that the dialog was back on course,watched as Rudolphs high beam nose slowly melted away the frozen assets of the goose revealing so Susan was able to free her hand! "Well my work is done!" Said the Reindeer as he galloped away.... "Finally free from the bird, Susan unclasped her hand that had frozen around a strange object inside the goose! "Oh my gosh!!" Said Jules. "Can you believe that?' said Julia. "I am amazed!" said April. "Cannot believe my eyes!" Said Gail unzipping out of the hood again. "Its, Its weird!" Said Lorelei. "How can this be?" said Marilyn. Susan looked down at the card that was in her hand and read it aloud. "May your days be merry and not so bright, and may all your Ufmas's have a knight!". Its signed "Yours sincerly,L.Lacroix!" And so it was that all the UFfers one and all hugged each other in a moment of joy, for not only was it UFmas day, but Susan's story was ending! returning home, they brought with them a happy memory of the north Pole, :) Santa, and yeah even that reindeer ! I only have one question asked Jules. "And what is that Jules?" Asked April. "How did Lacroix get his hand in the goose to place that Card?" And so Lora in a profound moment said "Lubricant?"... And so my friends, this story ends.. I know your thinking that alone is the best gift you can get this season ,right? :) Wishing you all my Love and Hugs for a really fantastic holiday season.. Susan |