| Kneicesby Idle
edition |
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"We have nothing
better to do." |
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is pleased to present the fifth in a series
Hearth and Home by Hastings,
dealing generally with topics of home, hearth,
This week: The
Importance of Early Moral Instruction
Sponsored by
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continues!
This week:
Next week:
Table
of Contents for our Adventure So Far
This space paid for by Mrs. Titus W. Trout and friends. |
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Dear Editor: Recently I puchased a copy of your Gazette at my local newsagent's in Cheese. As I recently moved to the Idle Valley, I was anxious to read news of the valley and I perused your newspaper with certain expectations. I expected, Sir, to be educated and informed. I expected to read news of notable families and the valley's leading citizens, or edifying essays exhibiting a high moral standard. But what did I behold? Frivolity and a complete lack of dignity! Letters from nudist camp directors! Scandalous goings-on involving a duel! Essays, purporting to be on "etiquette," entirely unsuitable for impressionable young readers! Even the column written by your local clergyman showed a sad want of gravitas. Shameful! What is worse, when I indignantly returned to the newsagent who sold this offending rag and demanded recompense for returning it, he *laughed*, claiming that the paper had been thoroughly read and was no longer in a saleable condition. He allowed as how the whole valley read the Bee's Knees Gazette, and no one else had ever complained. Such impertinence! I demand, Sir, that you compensate me for the price of that dreadful paper. Furthermore, I fully expect to see a higher journalistic standard in forthcoming issues. Sincerely, Mrs. Georgene Grundy
[Editor's reply: The staff of The Bee's Knees Gazette was unanimous
in the desire to give a full year's gift subscription of the Gazette for
Mrs. Georgene Grundy of Cheese. Enjoy, Mrs. Grundy!]
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by Mrs. Titus W. Trout |
The Literary Institute will be discussing T.H. White.
The Literary Institute highly recommends a visit to the The Knave of Hearts Club: Online Rocambole Weekly. Tune in each week to read these thrilling adventure stories. |
One of our intrepid watercolourists captured two gentlemen from the Idle having a jolly time on Cheese Hill. Could that be Mr. Fortinbras and his friend Lord Tony?
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Advice and Problem-Solving
The death of my spouse has left me in lonely and with somewhat straitened means. Sadly, invitations from friends have become few and far between. One does not like to complain about one’s troubles, but, have you any solutions or suggestions to offer? Signed, Bereft Dear Bereft,
Next week: Mrs. Mintmoney will continue to dispense her invaluable pearls of wisdom. |
| Dear Dr. Nostrum,
I feel worn out even before I rise in the morning and I barely find the energy to complete my household duties. Ever since the birth of my sixth child last spring, I've felt inexplicably tired. Could I be suffering from an iron deficiency? Exhausted in Bassington Parva
Dear Exhausted, What you are suffering from, Madam, is no more or less than magnetic deprivation. I am seeing more and more cases of this insidious malady, and no wonder! Do you realize that the magnetic fields of the Earth are blocked by concrete, masonry, pavement, and other human structures? Your cozy home is depriving you of vital forces essential to your health! Humans evolved in the presence of the Earth's magnetic fields, which balance the body's energies and help promote growth and healing. A healthy person's organs and blood are tuned to characteristic electromagnetic waves that resonate with the Earth's natural polarities. An person who becomes out of balance with these forces, however, soon exhibits signs of imbalance, manifested in its early stages by fatigue, headaches, backaches, lethargy and poor blood circulation. Eventually the magnetically-deprived person develops more serious ailments such as gastric ulcers, circulatory diseases, arthritis, heart disorders, and even cancer. It is essential that you undergo some form of Magnetic Therapy in order
to restore the imbalances in the electrical currents of your body. Fortunately,
there are a number of devices which I can recommend to do this. Magnetic
boot inserts can mimic the magnetic effect of the Earth's surface, putting
you in direct contact with healing waves of magnetism. Similarly,
some patients find a magnetic caps, magnetic belts, or even magnetic mattresses
beneficial. Sufferers from lower back pain swear by the device shown
in Figure A, while the device shown in Figure B has been shown to be effective
in the treatment of headaches. For the quickest and most reliable
treatment, however, I recommend Dr. Nostrum's patented Magnetic Cape, with
over 300 magnetic inserts. These high-strength magnets are all positioned
northward, thus placing your body in optimal
Don't delay, Madam, in seeking treatment. To order a Magnetic Cape, send a cheque for 12 pounds sterling to: Dr. Nostrum's Magnetic Cape
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Woad Possetting - Climnestra League Second Round
A report by Barrington Carruthers of our sporting
staff
The recent spell of bad weather has done nothing to cool the enthusiasm of local Possetters, indeed, the incessant rain has increased the general will to win!
Little Chudley, who won their last match, were hoping to maintain their record by beating Bassington Parva and Kneicesby Idle; alas it was not to be. The Idlers fielded a far stronger side than in the first round, due entirely to the return to form of Wilbery Eggerton, who was, as you will no doubt remember, last year's 'Possetter of the Season'. He savagely bagged 17 possetts, not letting anyone else get a look in, and the increasingly dejected Parva and Chudleyonians were left at a standstill. Only a last minute effort from The Chudley Grammer, Bert Scarthdale, prevented the Adjudication panel being called in to decide the 2nd and 3rd place results in this match. If the Idlers maintain this kind of form (and, barring mishap or injury to Eggerton, they will) this could be the year that the Idle team wins the championship.
Final score; Little Chudley 2, Bassington Parva 0, Kneicesby Idle 17.
The other match of the round was far less eventful. Bassington St. Bartelby were hoping to break their possett duck this time round, and, by jove, they very nearly did! Unfortunately for them, they were up against a pair of rejuvenated sides in St. Aethenstan-in-the-styx and Bassington-cum-Worthold, who had obviously been practising hard. The Wortholdmen took an early lead, with Digby Fairley-Abel getting a touchtip within 3 minutes of the opening scrander! (One of the fastest on record, if this correspondent is correct!) Bartelby's men made a number of excellent attempts at possett scoring but they were well marked by the Styxians, who beat them to the line just before the end of the first chowdat and then proceeded to block every move. Eventually the Worthold Grammer, Stig Messingholm, was subjected to a quite nasty fussock, and a penalty was awarded to the team; Messingholm converting this into a decent drag.
Although this was a low scoring match, it was nevertheless an exciting one, and I very much look forward to seeing if the Bartelby side manage to get that elusive possett in their at their next attempt.
Final score: Bassington St. Bartleby 0, St. Aethenstan-in-the-styx 3, Bassington-cum-Worthold 5.
(Correction: Unfortunately, due to a typing error on the part
of this correspondent, some of the scores in last round's table were incorrectly
calculated; this has been rectified in this round's table. Apologies
for any confusion caused.)
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 Keats and Chapman took a vacation once in the lovely town of Victoria
in British Columbia. As they were in funds for once, they splurged
and stayed in at the Empress Hotel, where they spent many a happy hour
downing Soft Thuds in the Bengal Lounge. One morning following a
particularly festive evening, Keats and Chapmen sat in the lobby of the
Empress, nursing their hangovers and drinking coffee. Suddenly, a
large motor coach pulled up before the venerable hotel and a throng of
animated, gesticulating men disembarked and poured into the lobby of the
hotel. It was a group of chess enthusiasts, gathering for a tournament
to be held the next day. A particularly obnoxious group of chess
players parked themselves near Keats
"But why?" asked Chapman. "Because," Keats responded, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an
open foyer."
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The Right Reverend Bartholomew Sponge The PUBLIC DINNER to be given to Rev. SPONGE
Tickets to be had on applying at the Green Man.
THEATRE DU PETIT LAZARI DU PARIS,
In the Large Room, Waterloo Hotel, Kneisceby Idle
The Bee's Knees Gazette Classifieds are a FREE service provided to the villagers of Kneicesby Idle. Send in yours today! |
