"I am the bubble gum that sticks in your hair!"
"I am the ingrown toenail on the foot of crime!"
"I am the itch you cannot reach!"
"I am the paper cut that ruins your day!"
"I am the parking meter that expires while you shop!"
"I am the plot-twist in the 2nd reel!"
"I am the terror that flaps in the night!"
"I am the weirdo who sits next to you on the bus!"
"I am the winged scourge that pecks at your nightmares!"
"I am the wrong number that wakes you at 3 am!"
~Darkwing Duck likes a dramatic entrance
How boring is life in the Antarctic? People in one group wintering at the South Pole in the 1960s watched the film "Cat Ballou" 87 times. People in another, after tiring of the westerns, Disney features and pornographic films on hand, spliced the movies together into their own production and adopted a vocabulary based on their creation that was so strange that relief crews arriving in the spring could barely understand them.
"Don't ask me questions before eight in the morning, particularly silly ones. I'm grumpy then, and I'll probably make fun of you."
God does not play dice with the universe: He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
~Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
~Deep Thoughts
It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.
~Prairie Home Companion
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
"Is there a number higher than infinity?" "Oh yes- infinity plus shipping and handling"
~Johnny Carson (The Tonight Show)
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 15, one to change it 14 to grumble, "I could have done that part, I was up to it"
~Suzanne Parry
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
~Rita Mae Brown
I like my sugar with coffee and cream
~Beastie Boys
I used to be with it, then they changed what it was. Now what was it isn't it, and what is it is weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you too
Having a good boyfriend is like having a good bra, its all about support!
The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other poor bastard die for his.
~General George S. Patton (WWII)
If they could send one man to the moon then why can't we send them all
Fat girls are like mopeds. There fun to ride, but you dont want anyone seeing you riding them
If a man says something in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Thanks to modern chemistry, sleep is now optional.
~Coffee shop wall
God gave man a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to work one at a time.
~Robin Williams
There's too much blood in my caffeine system