| I've given you enugh control, as God, as Satan, as a spleen loving Austrailian... now you can do nothing but sit back and read. So here's a sick and twisted saga for your viewing pleasure. Check back once a week or so and watch the insanity unfold in- The Real World And the crack wore off, the smell of beer and blood covered me like a dirty blanket. I was lying on a sidewalk. I had hit rock bottom. I began questioning myself- Is this why I'm here? Is this my life? What city is this? Why do I feel like I had wild sex all night with an arabian mule? I didn't have the ansers to any of my questions... how pathetic. I looked over to the video tape box lying next to me, porno. Yes this is life. I got up, did another line and walked to the nearst circut city to watch my porno. I was amazed. The people at circut city didn't catch me until after the good part. Of course I fast forwarded throught the thin plot line of boy meets girl, boy wants to fuck girl, I skipped right to boy fucks girl. The faces all strained out screaming "Oh Ricky!" The newest sales person asked me to remove the video tape from the VCR and exit the store. The newest sales person... what a coincidence, Ricky. It's amazing what people will do for money thinking no one will ever find out about it and then bam out of nowhere someone shows up at work and then the secret is out. So what happens now? Well Ricky wanted to confiscate my porno. But luckily enuff for me he was getting in more trouble with his manger than I was for being in the store. Eventually Ricky and I both got thrown out into the street. "Thanks alot... I've lost my job now because of you!" Ricky was pissed. As he screamed feriously and kicked at the trash on the side walk. I sat down to do another line. "Here you go, sniff this it'll make you feel better." I said after doing my own line. "What is that, Coke?" Ricky said still mad as ever. "You know you have the same facial exspresstions when your mad as when you're... happy." Ricky sat down on the cement beside me and began going off about well i don't know what really I was'nt paying attention. Half way through his sentence I inurupted him, "Hey man, you gonna do this line or do I have to." "Might as well" Ricky muttered befor taking the porno box and my straw. "You know...." Ricky kept talking and I zoned out on the thin line of crack that was, well on his crack. "Hurry up man and get that crack off the crack of your ass, I want my straw back." "Oh sorry man." Ricky stammered befor inhaling the crack off his ass. "Here ya go." I took back my porno and my straw. "Not to sound queer or anything but that's a really good picture of your ass." "Thanks." Ricky said as he stood up. "Where the hell going man?!" I asked. "What did you just say?" Ricky stoped suddenly. I repeated myself- "Where the hell ya goin man?" "I don't know!" Ricky burst into tears. "It's ok... man, it's ok." "But I lost my job." Alright so telling him it's ok didn't work. "Look... uhh... vaccume cleaner!" I screamed and pointed that strange box like thing with the flaggy thing sticking out the side. And dear god it was even sitting on a post! "Dude it's a mail box not a vaccume cleaner." I scurried as far away from the strange object as I could "Come on man let's get out of here befor it eats us!" "It's not going to eat us man it's a mail box!" "Oh... well let's get out of here just in case you're wrong." Ricky finnaly gave in "Alright man so where are we going?" We started walking west... or maybe it was south... east? Either way we started walking. My supply was running low. "We need money." I said as I lit up a cigarette. "Dude, why are you trying to smoke a piece of rolled up newspaper?" "What are you talking about, for shit sake man?!" The crack was really doing a number on this poor kid, Rick. "Look we need money, how much do you have?" Ricky pulled a strange black box out of his back pocket. "What the fuck is that, man, a bomb or something!" I screamed. "No it's my wallet... " Rick said. "I've got 23 dollars." I eyeballed the 'wallet' from a distance. "23 dollars! Who do you think you are Marlynn Monroe? That won't be enuff money..." I trailed off in thought. I thought up a plan and I thought it up quick. We needed to find a priest and a virgin. Oh yea, and a porn director. "This could work! We need to find a church, quick." Rick quickly replied 3 minutes later "why?" "Because, we need money." "So what's the plan?" asked Ricky as we waited outside the church. "You'll see." I replied. We waited about 15 minutes for the porn director to show up. "Good you brought a cammera." I said as the director stepped out of his staion wagon. "Alright, so how are we going to get a nun to sleep with a priest?" he asked as he... did something. "Dress her up as and alter boy!" my plan was genius. "That's genius" Ricky exclaimed. The porn director sifted the weight of his camera's shoulder strap and said "Well how do you want to do this?" I thought for a moment. Five minutes later I wispered "YOU GO GET THE NUN AND RICKY CAN GO FIND A PREIST AND I'LL FIND AN ALTER BOY!" "Stop shouting!" Ricky said "allright so i'll get the alter boy, you get the priest and the porn boss will get the nun." "No, I'll get the alter boy, Ricky gets the priest and you get the nun." the porn guy started turning green and purple snakes crawled out of his eyes. "Dear God!" I tryed not to shout. "What?" Ricky asked as he took another hit of my acid. I thought for a moment... 'the alterboy doesn't have to be alive and I really do think that thouse snakes are poisonius.' Alright, "Porn-man gets the alterboy, I'll get the nun and Ricky get's the priest." "But I want the alter boy!" screamed Ricky. "Don't shoot, i'll marry your daughter!" The third snake that was crawling out of the porn boss' eyes hissed. "NO Ricky, go get the priest." "Fine i'll go fuck the priest." Ricky said as he walked off silently. Later that night in the front of the church after we had everything set up perfectly the movie magic started. "If you are what you eat then i'm fast cheap and easy!" shouted the preist. "Amen!" the nun cried. I can't handle this, oh dear god, no. Is that and elbow?! No don't put that their. Ricky began to puke. "Shh... Ricky you're ruining this perfect porno" the director hissed out of his third eye. This continued and then eventually everyone got sick of watching Ricky puke on the priest. That poor alter boy has got to be really sore though... Anyways. "Here you go, another perfect idea from my favorite little freak" the porn director said as his evil second head handed over my 500$. "Now what?" Ricky asked as the evil second head of the porn director ate it's own body befor driving off. "Now we go find ourselfs some..." shit what is that shit called that i've been snorting for the past 7 years... "um... that shit i've been snorting." We headed west tward the sun rise. Check back next week. |
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