RantAgain

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Surf... I Start Ranting Again

    Children are little bastards. Let me rephrase that. The majority of today's children are little bastards. No I'm still wrong. All of today's children are little bastards. Now I know what you're thinking. She couldn't possibly have anything to rant about our perfect little angels that society has molded into greedy little sons-of-bitches. Well I do, so here goes.
     Toys today suck. When I was a kid I had actions figures and Barbie dolls. If the arms and legs moved on either I considered myself forchunate. Today action figures and Barbies both come with thier own remote control car, say 5 differant phrases, and have 12 million sepratly sold accessories. Oh and as if things wheren't bad enough they actually have gangster (or gangsta, depending on how far up your ass your head currently is) style fasion dolls decked out in baggy pants, g-strings, and mini-skirts. I don't know about anyone else out there but if I had a kid between the ages of 3 and 17 this is not an item I would indulge them with. Children today lack creativity and most of them have an attention span that doesn't last long enough for their action figure to finish his sentance.
     Legos. One of my favorite toys, now being ruined by children. They have, I shit you not, a Jabba the Hutt Lego figure. Molded green plastic with a detachable tail and life like face. Now when I was a kid half of the fun of playing with Legos was that if I wanted a Jabba the Hutt, a Spider Man, a dork wizard, or a robot I had to build it out of little brightly colored blocks and it would most likely hurt if you tripped over the cat and landed face first on it. If I wanted a Jabba the Hutt with that much attention to detail I would buy the action figure that says 5 phrases and comes with it's own working starship. Oh and another abomination by Lego, what is with these PINK fasion bags, paper punches, jewelry, room de'cor and stationary? These items have absolutly nothing what so ever to do with building... So why the fuck is Lego selling them?! Imagine if you will my surprize when thumbing through my Lego catalog I stumble apon these items and hope to dear God that someone misprinted a page from the JC penny catalog into my Lego Shop at Home catalog and find to much horror that it is not so. Lego now sells hand bags. This is going to take me some time and about 3000$ worth or counceling to accept because I can find no logical reason for Lego to be selling pink flower covered plastic fasion hand bags. After a moment of staring into the pages of my once beloved catalog the hypnotic powers of these new products under took me and I actually conclued to myself that "the blue one is actually kind-of nice". Imediatly afterwards of course, I fell to the floor foaming at the mouth thriving and screaming as my head spun round because the only way that I could still be sane and think such thoughs would be if the Devil himself possesed me.
     Whatever happened to the stupidly plain bliss of toys produced in the 1970s? Sea Monkeys, Pet Rocks, and an oven that can bake a 1/2 thick by 3 inch wide cake in two hours with a light bulb. If today's children where given easy bake ovens after having been so mind numbingly bombarded by action toys with 50 thousand instantly gratifying parts I think more people's houses would burn down. No way could today's children ever have the mental capability nor the patience to use an Easy-Bake-Oven. It's a phyical impossiblity, the thing would set it's self on fire because 3 minutes in the kid would get bored and go play Poke'mon. Four hours later the Easy-Bake-Oven would self implode and set the carpet on fire. Of course a child of today, who has no attention span what-so-ever, would see the fire and get distracted by a commerial (for sneakers that send messages to outer space and multi-task by checking the child's e-mail at the same time) and never make it to the phone to dail 911.
     I blame the media, and more importantly the parents because if the parents beat their children into submission instead of buying all of these fucking redicules toys then the media fat cats wouldn't be able to smoke their cigars or wipe their ass with hundred dollar bills. The bastards would be out of jobs and the children of America would actually have to do some labor intensive play like actually pretend that the super hero doll is talking when really it's the child. More labor intensive play activites might include actually pushing the match-box car to make it go, having to assemble 10 or more lego blocks before being able to play with it, or perhaps if the sky was falling then they would have to read a book. But yes I blame the parents. If your child has never been smacked across the ass for being a little bastard then you're a bad parent because all children are little bastards and deserve to be smacked at some point in time.
     Oh and another problem with children. The next 8 year old I see wearing a mini skirt and titty shirt is getting smacked regardless of which air head asshole actually owns the child. Eight year olds are not suppost to give men erections because they look like Britney Spears. I don't mean to sound like one of these muscle bound pervert assholes who frequent bars and pinch women's asses but if you let your child dress like Britney, or Christi, or Eve, or any of these other media sex sybmols then don't come crying to me for sympathy when your kid gets raped, abducted, or molested. You where asking for it! In no way should any child ever be alowed to dress in a manner that is more sexualy segestive than anything ever worn by it's parents. Children where made to be dressed in blue jeans, overalls, and boy cut tee-shirts. Not hip huggers, miniskirts, hot pants, baby doll tees, or g-strings... and yes they do make g-strings for PRE-teens now. As if having a 13 year old flash their ass crack at you everytime they take a step wasn't bad enough now 8 year olds can join the fun of yeast infections as well. Oh and if I ever see another 10 year old with a belly button ring in Wal*Mart I am going to beat the parent to death with produce. Yeah, sure get your ears peirced little kid, fine, fun, whatever. In no way is it apropriate for a 10 year old to have body jewlery that can leave scars and become easily infected on any part of their body. Ears are not a high action area of the body. Eyebrows, noses, lips, tounges, and belly buttons are. Children should not have needles stuck through any of the previously listed areas.
     On one last quick note, I saw something on Discovery channel yesterday about people trying to make their children more intelligent by bombarding them with images of rocks, dots, words, and objects while they're still young. I pitty any child submitted to this sort of cruel and un-usual tourchure and firmly belive that any parent who sends their infant to a "hot house" (which sounds oddly enough like something from a prison film) should be dissembowled through the painful process of being repeativly cut open by means of flash card paper cuts while being told what the object on the card is. People like this are the reason children grow up and use drugs like Exstacy. E is a drug that makes the user love every simplest thing it sees for the longest period of time imaginable. A person will litterally focus on a pin hole on the wall for 3 hours and think it's the most beautiful thing in the world. All parents, I feel are pushing their children to such exstreams because mind blowing hallucinagens are no longer needed, the same effect as dropping acid can be aquired by simply watching Poke'mon.
     Obviously i've lost all faith in American culture and parenting skills and should now move to India where beating a child with a cane publicly is still acceptable.

Beat them while they're still young.