Before she leaves on her caravan, Paige arranges a meeting with Martin at the Sundering Monument with hopes of clearing the waters…
Paige is dressed in heavier split skirts in a dark green with and ivory under tunic and matching green bodice and oversleeves, laced with gold, matching the gold ribbon braided through her hair, she's leading a dappled nag. This is noticeably more casual than Paige has been wearing about the city. Actually, it's Solange's look in Paige's colors...
Martin is dressed casually, which probably means jeans and a nice shirt and jacket -- think sort of a 18th c look with pants instead of breeches
"Thanks for coming." Paige says.
"You're welcome," Martin replies. He's obviously going to let Paige say whatever she wants to say.
"You look lovely," he says, never one to pass up a chance to offer a lady a compliment.
"Thanks, I could almost get used to all this, but I'll admit, there's entirely too much involved in doing it everyday..." She takes a deep breath before starting and then looks for a place to sit, ushering him down next to her.
He smothers a laugh about the price of dressing up and sits down in the spot she indicates.
She turns and takes his hand in hers, "It seems I get entirely too much practice doing this..." She smiles, "I'm sorry."
"I ambushed you, and in doing so we never did anything other than get defensive. Well at least I did, and it was wrong."
Martin takes a breath and pauses. (If Paige has more to say, she gets first crack)
"This is hard for me. I think I'm getting a grip on myself, but to go any further, we had to have this talk. I'll understand if you want to go, this isn't making me too comfortable either, and like the Castle, while it still stands, I know there's a crack that runs through it's very core, just like me. And once the foundation is destroyed, the building, or relationship built on it is always shaky."
Martin nods in a sort of "go on" way, not sure if she's finished yet.
She looks to the ground, obviously not sure how to continue.
There's an awkward pause, then Martin says, "You know the only thing I want out of all this is for you to be well."
She looks up at him, a smile in her eyes, if not on her lips. "I know. I'm not as sick as everyone thinks, though. Can you tell me you've never gone off on a bender after one of our arguments?"
"I thought you'd tried to kill yourself, you know," he says quietly.
"What?! Oh my God, Martin, no. I can't tell you that I've never had those thoughts, because one of the small pleasures I take is I've tried not to lie to you."
"You left me that note, and I didn't get it until after I'd heard what you'd done, after Jerod had fetched me -- you scared the hell out of me, Paige."
"The note? I was apologizing and figured I'd try to distance myself from you, why would you think I would be trying to do something like that?" but the answer hits her as she asks, "Your mother."
Martin doesn't say anything.
"Martin, please believe me. I never meant to hurt you. I know I've become rather good at it, but it's never been a goal." The laugh seems forced
"It's OK, it's all in the past now. It's all over. You didn't, and we're past that, and it's all that matters now."
"So it's the past, and the in present we're 'past that'." She muses, absent-mindedly running her thumb over the back of his hand. "What of the future? There's no easy way to say this other than..." whisper, as if it's hard to admit to herself even, "I miss you."
"I didn't think my being around would make things better," Martin says, very quietly now.
"Why would you think that? Martin, I care for you deeply, maybe more than you'll ever understand, but no matter what, you've always been my friend." She wants to reach out and hold him, but the venue restrains her, possibly why she chose it...
"I haven't been a very good friend to you, Paige. I don't know how to give you what you seem to need from me. Everything I do seems to make things worse." He shrugs. "I don't know what to do any more."
"No that's not it. I don't want to argue, but know this... I'm the one who wasn't a good friend. I attacked you for problems *I* had with Violet, not with us. I was wrong. You've never done anything to make this worse, in fact I'm amazed you've put up with me this long... Hell, I'm amazed you even came today."
Martin runs his fingers through his hair with his free hand, pushing it back out of his face. "No point in hiding from it. You always say I don't talk enough, well I guess I figure I owed you ... I don't know, something." He shrugs helplessly. "I don't know anything any more."
"Martin, it was never you. How can I make you understand that? I didn't need you to talk more. I needed reassurances that someone cared for me, no matter who they were, no offense. It wasn't your lack of communication, it was my insecurities."
"This has been hard on all of us. We've lost people important to us, and are all worried for others, not knowing if they'll return. Who can help but feel helpless against those odds. We may be Royals, but we're still mortal enough to recognize the wolf outside the door."
"But I do care ... I've always cared ... I'm just not very good at saying it ..."
"And I know you have, and you told me every time you took me in your arms, or listened to my tirades, or worried over my drinking or drugs. I just wasn't very good at listening... I wanted to ask for another chance to be there for you, to as you said, put this in the past and go forward. I'm not sure where I'm going, Martin, but I'd like to know I have friends along the way."
"I will always be your friend, Paige, if you will have me."
Paige is choking back tears, "I don't know Martin. I've done a lot of looking at who I've been and who you made friends with and well... I don't like her."
"Oh, fuck," says Martin, angry at the universe, and gathers Paige into his arms.
Paige falls into his arms like she's never left them, and the tears come, "Oh Gods, I missed you."
"Ssssh, baby, I'm right here, always have been, even when you couldn't see me. Ssssshhhhh."
She tries to collect herself, not wanting to give up the solace of his arms, but obviously concerned for the appearances Martin is obviously not concerned about. "Martin, we should... Please..." She sits up, brushing tears from her cheeks with a handkerchief from her sleeve. "Don't think I don't want, hell... need this right now... But I've also done my damnedest to redeem myself here in this city and with Uncle Gerard. I've got to think of others than just Paige."
"If *propriety* won't let me comfort my kinswoman, then propriety can go fuck itself," Martin growls, spitting out the p-word as it if it were a curse.
Paige chuckles, smiling, "Yes, I'm sure it would, Martin, my love. But others would see it as something else." She's never let go of his hand, softly, "Perhaps we could ride together, later?"
Martin considers, then nods, once, abruptly. Still obviously pissed about public opinion, though.
"Thanks." She smiles, dabbing the last of the tears from her eyes. "Let me guess. Your conversation with the Regent after the fiasco I created involved that word often, didn't it?"
"Which word?"
"Propriety."
Not so much," he says.
She doesn't press any further, but as she drew back unless he moved also, she remained in his personal space, falling into familiar habits.
He hasn't moved, nor taken back the hand she was petting. _Damn, I probably want him more than I ever have._
"For the record, it wasn't Violet. It was me. Somehow, in my twisted world, she threatened us, unlike any one you've ever been with before."
Martin looks reeeeeeally confused.
"I'm still not sure why, and I'm not trying to start a fight, but I wanted you to know. I'm sorry. It silly, but hell... I even felt like I owed her an apology."
"For what?"
"For the dark vile thoughts that a jealous woman thinks, dear."
"Oh." Martin thinks about it. "Um, I expect she's used to it."
A small chuckle, "I know I grew accustomed to it, so perhaps." She tries to explain, carefully, without making it worse, "I suppose it was her profession. It struck too close to home and my insecurities told me you must've been looking for something that our relationship had lacked since we left Heerat. Looking back, I'm not sure how much sense it makes to me, now."
If it is possible for Martin to look more confused, he does so
She shakes her head slightly and squeezes his hand, "No matter. I'm doing better with me, so hopefully, I can do better with others. You're the trial by fire. I'm not sure you can realize what it took me to ask for this meeting"
"I guess I must be pretty terrifying, huh?" But he softens the accusation with a grin.
"No, just terrified that I would start another fight and never have a chance to tell you how sorry I am, and how much I missed you, but you didn't need to hear that did you, not at least in words. You listen with more than your ears."
"You hear with more than your ears, Paige, but you don't always listen," Martin says absently. "Sorry. Didn't mean that the way it came out."
She smiles. "No, you're right. For someone who once prided herself on what she sees, I'm rather blind when it comes to things close to me. So, how do we start?"
"I dunno," says Martin, vaguely embarrassed. "You're all proper these days, and I've never been so good at that."
"You mean this?" she brushes her skirts with the off hand. "This is color for the tourists, me boyo. Beneath it I'm as naked as ever." A hint of a wicked smile that's quickly hidden by her handkerchief, but dances in her eyes.
Martin smiles a little at that -- can't help it -- but Paige has the sense he's a bit disconcerted by the sexual inference, as he's not on sure ground here.
"Uncle Gerard never said I had to become lady like, just learn the appropriate times for it. He hinted that Lucas's mother has the same problems, and truth be told, I'm sure he's tied a few on himself when on liberty. The trick is knowing when it's appropriate I suppose." She's obviously not suggesting they jump into bed again, just joking. She seems just as uncomfortable with the idea herself
Martin doesn't seem to be taking it as an invitation."I never meant to worry you, Martin. And I've always wanted to be there for you."
"I know."
"I think that's the hardest thing I've had to deal with, distancing myself from you, not able to be your shoulder, not that you ever really needed me."
"You have to think of yourself first now, Paige."
"I am, and *I* would like you to be part of my life. It's greedy, selfish and was decided without your feelings on whether you wan to be part of it."
Martin laughs.
She smiles. "To further complicate matters, I want to set some ground rules, if for no other reason than to avoid some of the problems I had before..."
Martin gives a go-on look.
"I'm going to try and listen better, not just to your talking, but to your actions. It doesn't mean I won't ask for clarification, but I'm also not going to ask for anything more than you're willing to give." She looks to the ground, _Damn this is hard._ Deep breath, "No matter how primally I *need* you, I know I'm not ready for that yet, and hell... if I were you, I wouldn't want to be sleeping with a crazy woman either."
Martin looks at his boots. "I wouldn't think that was wise right now either."
"Not willing to call me crazy, Martin? Well, I think it's the appropriate word." She laughs.
"High-strung was the word that came to mind." He pauses. "Red-headed."
"Drama queen? High maintainence?"
"Sometimes, but not always."
"I think, and mind you I'm not sure about any of this, but... sex has been a key factor in many of my relationships and it came to a point where I couldn't separate it from our friendship."
Martin nods to indicate he's following the tone of the discussion.
"I've done my best to rip it apart and I'd like to rebuild that, fix my proverbial foundation, before we cross that bridge, to really mix my metaphors." A wry smile, "If we cross that bridge..."
Martin looks at his boots again, but he's smiling this time.
"It's a new journey for me, Martin, one who's decisions at the crossroads I have to make alone, but it doesn't preclude having friends along the way. I'd like you to be one of those friends. I can't promise I won't ever go off the deep end again, I don't know that. I can promise that I'll try to respect our friendship and well... let's start there, before I just keep rambling." She lays her other hand over top their clasped hands and looks at him.
"We'll just take it one day at a time, and see where it goes," Martin says reassuringly.
"I've got short term goals, but well... I'm not sure where I'm going, Martin, not beyond that." She swallows hard. "I want to settle down once this is all said and done. I want to make a commitment to one person, I think. I want a child and I want to be there when she grows up. "
"You've always wanted that," Martin says.
"Yes, but I don't think I've always been clear about it. I guess I was."
"This is going to sound harsh, but -- don't you think you'd better worry about yourself for a while before you worry about having a child?"
"Right," she says. "I'm talking about long term. I'm not ready for any of that now. I'm sorry. I'm rambling aren't I?"
"I think," says Martin, "that you've thought about what you want in the future a lot, but not about what you want today. Maybe you should worry about today and tomorrow and let the next few decades take care of themselves."
"What do you think I've been doing for the last year and a half, Martin?" she seems to be getting a bit defensive, but is fighting the urge to argue.
He says it gently, but what he says is: "How long is that to one of us?"
"I've been focusing on every waking moment, of today, not the future... I didn't say I was better yet. I know I'm not, and I didn't ask you here to remind me of it," the tears flowing freely. She hasn't raised her voice, but isn't meeting his eyes anymore
"I'm not telling you you're doing the wrong thing, Paige," Martin says, sounding upset himself. "But look how much everything has changed in just the last couple of years. I don't mean between you and me, I mean everything." He pauses for a moment to gather his thoughts. "Everything is very new and very, I don't know, scary, even? to us all right now. A lot of people have died, the Pattern's busted, we still don't know when Benedict and the rest will be back, and we're all stretched thin dealing with this crisis. It's not the time for any of us -- you, me, Folly, Gerard, anybody -- to be making life-changing decisions. As temptiing as it may be." His grip tightens around her hand, not painful, but supportive.
"But if I don't have a focus, Martin, something more than tomorrow, it becomes harder to meet each day. The idea of settling down isn't tempting, it's scary. It's a challenge. It's maybe a pipe dream, like the throne was... is to my father. Something to keep him striving, to stave off the ennui. Do you understand, Martin? You, Folly, Liam, you're the only things holding me here. This isn't Amber any more unless you believe in the 'home is where you hang your hat' philosophy. We've spent the last two years trying to keep a Shadow alive."
Martin shrugs a little helplessly. "Amber was never my home, Paige."
"I guess I don't think of it all that way. Grandfather wanted me to hold the fort with Gerard, and that's what I'm going to do. Maybe that's what gives me enough drive to go on. But I don't think any less of my work just because Amber doesn't have a Pattern any more."
"I'm not trying to start an arguement. You're right, Amber's never truly been my home either, but what else could I count on? And now that's gone. Striving for the future, it's all I have, Martin. To keep myself from becoming a mindless drudge, living day to day, I have hope for the future. Is that a bad thing?"
"What about striving for the future when your father comes home?"
"Returning to what, Martin? To a daughter who's disgraced the family? To a Castle that's lost the Pattern, the semblance of Order?" She shakes off the darkness falling on her. "This was a mistake, I suppose."
"Do you really think Bleys cares about propriety more than you?"
"No."
"And do you think he'll give up and curl up and die because the Pattern in the basement is busted?"
The anger is apparent, "No, and you can't accuse me of doing that either. I've given as much as anybody here, Martin. I'm not a child to be coddled and patronized. You know grandfather's gone. I live in fear everyday for my father." She realizes what she said and whispers, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way."
Martin shakes his head, "No, that's all right. I know you didn't. I don't think you're a child, Paige, but I think a lot of people -- you among them, but by no means are you the only one -- have a very short-term perspective on all of this. You've never really come to terms with the idea that a couple of years is nothing. I have -- I grew up knowing it was no time at all -- and so I look at this as a temporary hardship. Whereas I think you and some of the others see it as perpetual."
"I don't see it as perpetual, I see it as a change. A major change. You don't just up and move the center of Order and expect things to go on like nothing's changed. The minor hardships I'm not worried about, it the long lasting ramifications. If you want to really get mind-fucked, what about the idea that I'm not Paige, but some Shadow, too. That I'm striving for nothing."
"If you can shift Shadow, you're not one," Martin says, dismissing that theory out of hand.Changing the subject back, "But we won't solve Amber's problems by immediate frantic scrabbling. It took, what, 50 or 60 years from the point where Brand brought his aims to fruition to now. And he was planning for a long time for that, or he'd never have been able to make the Trump." Martin's angry, now, but that's more to cover fear than anything else. He figured out a way to fuck things up so badly that Grandfather had to die to fix it. And we're supposed to clean that up in a year, two years, three years? Paige, this could take decades. It's not a short-haul problem. But we'll live forever, so we have time to fix it."
"We don't live forever, Martin. Uncle Eric's dead. Reid's father and uncle are dead. Uncle Caine is dead. Grandfather is dead." She looks at the ground again, "So many times I was afraid you were dead when you went off for Grandfather. I'm not looking for a quick fix. Hell, how did we get on this? Martin, I care for you. I love you. It hurts to be apart from you like nothing I've ever known in my life, admittingly not yet 200 years. I can only fix one problem at a time. Today's is *us*, and before you say it, I know it won't be fixed today, but I have to start someplace, and it's part of my attempt to fix *me*, because I'm not the amount of help I should be until I'm better."
"Paige, what you want is faith, and I don't know how to give you that."
"What?"
"You want something bigger than yourself: your Dad, me, a baby, Amber, *something*. It's hard to be bigger than what we are, Paige. I don't know what to tell you when you come looking for that."
Paige's eyes flash with anger.
"I'm probably out of line saying these things," says Martin, gazing bootward, "but, well, you've been asking me for years what I think. This is it."
"You're not out of line Martin."
"You're mad."
She seems to have been defused a bit by his bootgazing, "At myself."
Do you want to know what else I think?"
She looks him in the eye, lifting his chin to face her if needs be, "Yes. I suppose I'm just a glutton for punishment." A grin softens the comment.
"I think I'm not big enough for you to pin that faith on. I think a baby certainly isn't. I'm not sure Grandfather would have been big enough. In the end, you'll have to find what you're looking for in yourself, Paige."
"And that's been my focus, but I'm not looking to put faith in those things, I don't believe. But I suppose you have a more objective point of view than I do. I'm looking for those thing to become part of the me that I'd like to put faith in, do you see?"
"No," says Martin, "I really don't. But I will be your friend, no matter what."
"The Paige I am can't support that faith. I have to grow, I have to mature. I have to pass through winter into spring and be born again."
"Don't leave it at that Martin, else we'll both feel this was all for naught."
Martin looks troubled. "I don't see that at all, Paige. You always want me to talk, and so I did. It's nobody's fault that we disagree about these things. You're the one who insists we have to agree. That's not important to me."
"I never said that, damn it. Hell if arguing's the only way we can relate I'll take that over the pain of being apart anyday. What's important to you, Martin?" She starts to tear off on a spiteful tirade, he's seen them before and knows when one's coming, but suddenly stops, controlling her breathing and waiting for his response.
"That you be healthy and happy, even if I don't agree or understand how you get there," he says after a moment in which he was clearly waiting to see what she was going to do.
A pause before she asks,"Why did Uncle Gerard suggest that I would've been interested in marrying you, Martin?"
Martin looks bewildered. "Huh? When did he say that?"
"When I was lectured after the fiasco. He was very clear that he wasn't condoning any marriages for either of us. Did you ever say anything that would've given him that idea?"
"Not that I know of ..."
"Did you tell him about Alain?"
Martin looks at his shoes and doesn't say anything.
"I'm not angry, I just need to know. I thought I had been fairly discreet."
Martin mutters something about "... called me out ... had to kill him ... you'd never forgive me."
"Some day I might like a man in my bed again, and for Amber's *propriety* I need to know how my secrets make it to the Castle."
"I wouldn't have told him if I didn't think the consequences were worse than the not telling."
"As I said, I'm not angry. You were probably correct and definitely thinking straighter than I was at the time."
"Alain probably would've done something that stupid and not only ruined his life but that of his lovely wife's, and for that I couldn't have forgiven him, either."
Martin's look suggests that he agrees about Alain doing something stupid.
"And I never insisted we agree."
"I just feel like I can't ever explain to you where I'm coming from."
"That's funny. I feel just the same way. I feel like you want me to 'understand' but you mean agree when you say it."
"No. If that's what my words or my actions say, it's my own frustration getting in the way. I'm sorry."
"It's OK, it's water under the bridge now."
"Not if I keep doing it, it's not."
"Then," he says with a small smile, "you'll have to stop, I guess."
"Thanks. You're a big help." She impishly sticks out her tongue at him.
He has to bite back a reflexive comment about not sticking it out unless she plans to use it.
"Martin, this is me. You don't have to behave differently around me. Being healthy doesn't mean being chaste."
"I thought we were going to cross that bridge later."
"That doesn't mean you need to bite your tongue every time you want to made a rude comment to me. If anything that only accentuates the differences in our current relationship."
"I don't need to be reminded regularly of how I've hurt you," she says.
Martin shifts uncomfortably on the bench. "It's not like that, Paige. But things have changed, and I don't think there's any point in arguing that they haven't -- or behaving like it."
Paige looks hurt, and shakes her head slightly, "Yeah. I suppose it was foolish of me to think otherwise."
Martin shrugs. "What did you want me to say? I won't lie to you. And I'm not sure it's not better that we step back. Where were we going before this?"
"I was trying to step back apparently. I was apologizing and trying to get rid of the awkward silences between us that drive me crazy. I never knew that quiet could be so loud, but apparently I was wrong. I'm sorry to have wasted your time Martin. Thank you for coming."
"Paige, have you *ever* considered that there's an option in our dealings that doesn't include kicking me or kicking you?"
"What do you mean? Blame the world?"
"Don't blame anyone."
"The universe doesn't work that way, Martin. To quote, 'Life is pain. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something.' Sounds silly, but rather a truism as I've seen."
"My experience," says Martin, "is that if I look for pain, that's what I'll find. But I have the power to change reality. If I look for happiness, I can find that too."
"Very poetic, Martin. Then tell me, what did you come looking for today? What were your expectations of this ill-fated meeting?"
"I came to find out," he says, rising to his feet, "whether a woman I care very much for, who has been very ill, and who has apparently forgiven me for my sins, is willing to forgive herself for hers yet."
"Is this an illness? I suppose." Paige looks up into the trees of the monument park. "Martin you have no sisns to forgive, and if you had I'm not the one to look to for forgiveness. I wronged you, by throwing away our friendship over petty jealousy." She laughs, a dark chuckle, "Kind of like asking the devil to forgive you, don't you think?"
"I suppose I have the answer to my question, then." He shrugs. "The truth is more complex than that. What we had was probably doomed by my mishandling -- my *lie* about Brand. Poisoned from the beginning, as it were. Things were on the skids for most of the time we were together. Jealousy over Violet was only the last act."
"No, you were right to act as you did. You defied Grandfather to tell me that, and protect a friend. How can that be wrong?"
"Right and wrong and friendship aren't all black and white, Paige. I'm your friend; I care for you and wish you well, and I always will, but I know perfectly well we can't go back, only forward. You're not really ready for that yet. Maybe it's too soon. I don't know. But until you can look at things -- at me, at you -- more realistically, I don't know that you'll ever be ready to make room for me in your life again."
"Tell me what's realistic Martin? And who the hell are you to tell me what I'm ready for? It's *you* making that choice to not be part of my life, not be infected by my sickness."
"Paige," Martin says, "listen to yourself."
"Apparently I'm having problems doing that. Tell me what I'm saying Martin." She looks lost.
"Everything's not all black and white, Paige. Both of us screwed things up a lot. It's not all my fault and it's not all your fault and some of it is no one's fault at all. Neither one of us meant to hurt the other, but that's what happened. It's not a story, there are no heroes and villains, it's just life. And it doesn't always have a happy ending, but that doesn't mean it's a tragedy."
"Right, so why can't you get over it either? You're just as afraid of this as I am. I asked you here to tell you I loved you and no matter what an ass I made of myself that I'd always be willing to be your friend. That's apparently what you wanted to say, too. So why the hell are we arguing?"
Martin stops to think about it seriously. "Because I'm not willing to pick things up just where we left off, I think."
"I never asked for that. I asked you not to treat me like a leper. I asked you to respect our friendship enough to not hold your tongue."
"Can't you let me be the best judge of my conduct?" Martin says gently.
"I suppose I have no choice, do I? This, as I said, was a mistake. I'm sorry for ruining your afternoon." She stands herself. Throwing the reins over her dapple, she turns back. "I suppose it was good to know we wish to be friends." The words are tortured and halting, as the tears come again. "I'll have to take a raincheck on that ride, I think," she says as she mounts.
"As you wish," Martin says quietly.
Paige leans forward as she starts off, low enough to kiss the top of his shaggy blonde locks. "I... I..." and she can't control it anymore, the sobs wrack her body and she kicks the horse forward, riding out toward the outskirts of town.
Martin stands and watches her as she rides out of sight.
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last updated 09/26/01 - The thread that won't end...