You dont know what ive been through, but then again, I dont know what YOU'VE been through either...

I have recently been discovering that, in life, there are a few things that are inevitable other than DEATH and TAXES, one of the most important is being judged and criticized. No matter where you go or whether it is right or wrong you are always being judged and criticized, its a fact of life. believe me when i say this isnt directed to any one specifically....or is it specifically directed to everyone???

Usually i keep things inside, i dont like discussing my feelings, or rather, how i truly am inside, what i feel, what i think, what bothers me, not even Pong knows everything, i try to keep it inside. i say that i do this because i dont want to bother anyone or that what is going on is not really important but in all honesty ill tell you the truth for 2 reasons, one is because i discovered that in order to change...in order to be happy i need to get certain things off my chest. the second reason is that i highly doubt that ANYONE is really going to read this, but because its out there im going to write it....technically im letting it all out, to who, if any is a different story. i dont tell anyone the truth of whats really going on because i dont want to feel vulnerable...people tend to use things you tell them against you in times of anger.....and they hurt...so i avoid giving any ammo to anyone....but here it goes....

this is me. im a victim, or thats how i see myself...in arguments i often, while we discuss different points, quietly (in my head) go off on the people who look at me while we argue with judgmental and patronizing eyes.... that

"you dont know what i've been through, you dont understand how it feels to lose the only person you truly felt safe with, who you felt loved you more than anything in the world...sure you can say whatever the fuck you said, but until you've been through what i have been through FUCK YOU...but really i wouldnt wish MY pain, and MY SUFFERING on anyone because no matter how much i can be angry, what i feel is something i wouldnt want anyone else to feel.... "

i dont say these things, because first of all its inappropriate and to be honest its too personal and too angry ive learned in my life NOT to burn any bridges. also i DONT want sympathy or to be felt sorry for....

when mom died, not only did i become sad to the point that i always see myself as the victim but ive also became mad...mad at everyone who doesnt feel my pain, mad at myself for not getting over it, mad at MOM for leaving, MAD at my family ON BOTH SIDES, for turning their backs on me and my sister when we could of used it the most.

**tangent** we could have used support but instead we got infighting
we could have used love but instead we got rumours and bullshit
we could have used a shoulder to cry on but instead we got fake ass people trying to get on our sides or my dads for their own GODDAMN benefit
we could of used a family, but instead we were left alone.....

when mom died it was DEVASTATING not only to me and sis, but to my dad as well NO ONE knows what we went through.....but still we get people TALKING SHIT, trying to tear us apart...why? why would you do that? Dad loved mom, and mom loved dad, he was there when she died, he was there right next to me and sis BAWLING when the doctor told us she wasnt going to last, he PRAYED for her.....probably more than anyone.....but still SHIT IS SPOKEN...WELL YOU KNOW WHAT? fuck it, and fuck you.....and you dont even KNOW how much it hurts ME to say that.....

and dont snicker all you who ALL OF A SUDDEN are my dads best friend.....who do you think ur kidding, and dont think u got a one up on him either he knows....and if he starts to forget I REMIND HIM....because when his wife died, my mother, that was the day i couldnt trust anyone....

***endtangent***

but there i go, saying you dont know what ive been through, well ill tell you its hell, but i dont want to be the victim anymore, sure im sad but i want to move on, im stuck in this never ending rotation of pain and self pity that it sickens me, and this cycle is preventing my happiness. before mom died i was one of THE most religious people, i felt God's presence, i knew he was there...im not even trying to be super religious, im being honest this is what i felt, I felt, no matter how cliche it sounds, that i was never alone...but when mom got sick and passed on, i was devastated.....i nearly lost my religion altogether if it were not for a former teacher who helped me keep what little i had left. but since then i dont feel Gods presence, rather i feel alone, i feel like a child...lets name him Alejandro... in the middle of an empty dark room....all the time....i fill up this emptiness, cover the sadness with everyday things but at the end of the day im still that little boy, little Alejandro... in the middle of that dark room....

i read an article i was sent yesterday and it got me thinking...one of the best quotes from it is "the spirit of religion is the spirit of thanks"..or something along those lines....and thats why i dont go to church anymore, thats why i dont follow the sacraments....because im not thankful, because im angry...you dont say thankyou to a person your mad at....even though u know you should....

life is a gift...everyday is a gift...rather than saying as i often do....why not me instead, i should be saying thank you...thank you for the time i spent with her, thank you for having a chance to make her proud, thank you for not letting her feel the much worse pain of losing a child....

im selfish. i know these things, ive had spiritual, logical and reasonable debates in my own head for 4 years.....i know that ishould be thankful, i know i should be happy for still being here but rather my head says:

"id rather be the one dead than mom, id rather we both died, i dont want to be here, its not fair, i want to go home."...etc...etc...etc...

its selfish, and even right now i have the urge to say 'well i have the right to say this, ive been through so much'.....but this kind of attitude is whats keeping me from being happy, from letting go, from not being so angry any more...

**tangent 2***
when people start to argue with me about my ideas and beliefs, i get instant opposition, which in all honesty i really dont mind, i dont mind being argued with because i learn more....but what TRULY pisses me off is the fact that its not that they hear what i say, understand where im coming from and then argue...NO it right away i am seen as not knowing what im talking about....and dont BULLSHIT me i know i can tell from the expressions on you faces...all i ask is to not be patronized....i try to argue intelligently but when i get those eyes that say "hes so stupid" i lose it....it pisses me off and i end up just arguing, i lose it...emotion takes me away and then i go back to me saying in my head ...fuck you you dont know what i've been through, your life isnt so hard, dont tell me shit like you know better than me, have YOU experienced what i EXPERIENCED? no the STFU"....so im letting it out now...although i doubt you would read it...
dont look at me like im stupid, when i speak i dont try to make shit up, i speak from what i know from how i see things, and i also try to see YOUR points too....so at the VERY least give me some credit...

***endtangent 2***

anyways im angry.

im angry because im alone, im alone because im angry....if that makes any sense...
im angry because I keep making myself a victim, i keep feeling so fucking sorry for myself and hell probably because i like it, because if i feel sorry for myself, if i pity myself i wont have to move on, i wont have realize moms gone. or maybe i like feeling special...if thats not too fucked up...but hell if im letting it all out now, might as well not keep anything back.

im mad a God, im mad because i see so many people out there ( i was tempted to write "everyone" rather than "so many" but there are people who do appreciate, ill at least try not to over exaggerate...at least not too much) who have so much.....but dont appreciate it, rather they take it for granted, they look for problems to BITCH AND MOAN....i just want to tell them FUCK OFF...you have your mom still stfu.....appreciate what you got...

BUT im being hypocritical AND im reverting back to my old cyclical ways....

i dont want to be mad...i dont want to be alone...i want to be able to go to church AND want to...i want to be able to pray regularly....in a way i want to make things go back the way they used to be....although i know mom's never coming back....i could at LEAST pray for her, say the rosary for her......she would have done it for me....

part of me says that i dont do it because its lip service, its a formality....and its true..if i dont believe it then i refuse to do it.....

in that article the writer says only when you realize that EVERYTHING is a gift and NOTHING is a right or owed to you....that is when you start believing...because...."the spirit of religion is the spirit of thanks".....

right now i believe that because there are people out there who hasnt felt what i felt God owes me, i feel that i believe in a world that is skeptic, i defend in a world that attacks....

i feel that God owes me...for still having faith...

i want to be thankful....so im writing this blog to get everything off my chest....if i stop going in this cycle of self pity MAYBE..just maybe ill see the world as it is...a gift..

if you've read this remember im not pointing the finger at anyone but myself...im wrong...im stupid... but i had to say everything...

im angry because i miss my mom so much that id rather be dead then have to feel the loss, but its selfish....

its selfish and its disrespectful...i like to think that mom killed herself by not thinking about herself but about me when i was sick...i like to think this because then i can blame myself...then i can blame myself and pity myself at the same time....

i was told after i got out that all my mom asked was if i was ok....but there is NOTHING i could have done to stop her....if i wasnt in there she would have worried about sis me and dad being in quarantine.... she loved us...she worried....theres nothing that would have stopped her....

also, to sound like a religious freak, it was her time to go, her visitation rights ended.

mom loved me, she loved her daughter, she loved her husband...

and i have to stop feeling sorry for losing her and start feeling happy for the time i spent with her....

i have memories, and im happy that i have them...even tho part of me still thinks and wants to say that other people have more memories....and other people have less....either way the time i had with mom was a gift....

i know she would want me to be happy, i know she would be intensely angry to know that at times i feel like ending my visitation rights....

its selfish and its time to learn how not to be so selfish........

i can keep writing but i think my battery is about to die....either way i dont know if this is going to work but its an effort.....

i admit that i pity myself, i admit that in a sick way i like it, but i also admit that its wrong to see the gift i receive everyday from God is precious and that everyday i had with mom, sis and dad as a family was a gift to be cherished and not be looked at with anger because there will be no more of those....be happy for what you had, what you have...everything is a gift.

i will keep working towards happiness....everything is a gift...

- Ken