The Ballad of Johnnie Cougar

By Toby Myers

[To the tune of Davy Crockett]

Way back when in the spring of ’82

Johnnie cut a record that he called American Fool

Everyone was set, they saw it blasting up the charts

Went and got a band that could handle all the parts

Hired him a bass man, hired him some singers

Told old Kenny not to ever let it go

The Chief and Larry Crane pounding on the guitar

They ended every show with a song they didn’t know

Well the next campaign was the Summer of ‘83

Johnnie cut UH-Huh down in Jackson County

Little Pink Houses was the one they came to hear

Johnnie Loaded up the jet with the boys and the beer

Went looking for the Englishman who’d stolen all the dollars

Johnnie was as mad as a rabid pack of wolves

He got Billy Gaff and he grabbed ‘em by the collar

And he punched the little pufter in his little English nose

Johnnie made a Scarecrow in the summer of ‘85

When the farmers called and said, John, they’re eating us alive

John, Neal and Willie started up the Farm Aid

Johnnie went and played a song for all the friends that he made

First he fired old Tex and fired Jimmy Collins

A wardrobe man that he didn’t even know

Fired Ed Wynn just for standing by the mixer

When he lost a hundred grand on the New York City show

Well the next hoe down was the Lonesome Jubilee

With the fiddle and the guitar like a happy family

Sean and Madonna watching Johnnie sing his song

For a couple in the crew it wouldn’t be too long

Fired old Stan just for sleeping through the concert

Kicked a hole in the wall and he sent him down the road

Caught brother Ted with his hands in his pocket

holding onto money that was Johnnie's, rightly owed

Whenever Johnny Wanted in the Spring of '91

He had it on a platter while he laid in the sun

Passed out money to the boys in the band

Showed ‘em all the door

And he led them by the hand

So he fired Larry Crane

And he hired David Grissom

told ole’ Kenny not to go out on the road

He hired anybody with a name like Melissa

It’s hard to harmonize when the boys ain’t on the road

Well the next thing you know Johnnie didn’t have a care

Had some houses over here and a mansion over there

Kept cutting records when he raised a family

But they didn’t do the millions that they’d done previously

So Johnnie hauled off and fired Polygram Records

Fired ole’ Kenny and fired Lisa G

Fired anybody whoever cast a shadow

and if we're not careful, gonna fire you and me.