Duncan - in response to "Love" posting.
'Hey Katherine,
I just read your ramblings. Well, I think the tag of ramblings is a little demeaning. They're intelligent, and it's the first time in a long time I've read some words that make me feel something.
And so we reach the topic of love. I'm pretty sure you're not going to appreciate this stuff clogging your inbox, but hey, somebody was going to have to be on the receiving end. Guess you drew the short straw. I'm not sure I entirely disagree with your point of view, but I'm going to rant anyway, because I find it helps me understand and rationalise my emotions when they have a bunch of meaningless words attached.
Love doesn't exist. It's not an absolute. It's not a "Congratulations! You've reached level love!" Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. The reason it doesn't is because it's tremendously oversimplified and incredibly restrictive to use a single four-letter word for a feeling as complex as love. And like all things that affect our lives in drastic and sweeping ways, it's needlessly complicated and out of our control.
Do I love my mum? My brother? My sister? My cousins? My grandparents? Sure. Have I ever loved my ex-girlfriends? At the time, I probably would've said yes. But was I IN love? Hell if I know. I'm not going to argue semantics about love vs. in love (though I'm sure it'd be quite a fight) because that's a terrible argument that nobody ever wins. Like the "do you like him, or do you LIKE him, like him?" tripe that young girls write in notes that are then cleverly folded more than Japanese swords and passed surreptitiously from one girl's scented hand into the polished nails tipping the hand of her closest female counterpart.
Love is a construct, it is like calling all feelings of sorrow, angst, depression, fear, worry, and terror "sad". There is no Love. Love is different every single time you feel it, every single day you feel it, and anyone who thinks they know what it is for everyone is a god damned liar. As much as I love cheesy 80's music, I think love-songs glorify what is one of the most confusing and scary collection of feelings to the point of absurdity.
To risk sounding stupid(er), nobody ever tells you you're in love, you have to admit it to yourself. It's like being an alcoholic. Sure, everyone else knows it, but you won't believe it until you take that first step and admit that your life is out of control and you've got an external issue affecting you.
What was love to me? Love was hearing a silly joke, seeing a stupid face, or even just catching a snippet of a little grunt, and it making me smile for the rest of the day. Love was knowing they'd get my jokes. Love was the tears of laughter that come through playing "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Turtles in Time", and just enjoying company. Sure, we were playing video games, that was fun. So were the impersonations of Scatman Crothers right at the bit where he gets an axe in the chest in "The Shining". But there was just something intrinsically fun and captivating about spending time together, it didn't matter what was going on.
It sounds stupid because it is.
Hell, most of us don't even know what WE think love is. Idealistically, we can all define it. Ideally it's when you would give your life to save hers, and she would unflinchingly do the same. It's when you don't have to be around each other to feel comfortable with each other. It's when a stupid text message sent to a phone like "Salmonella has nothing to do with Salmon?" will make you smile. It's when you can't think of a way to make somebody better, because even the things you hate about her are still part of her, and changing them would be changing who she is. It's when you feel like you have a partner, not an idol. It's when you can imagine yourself in the lead role of Die Hard and fighting through all that shit to rescue her.
It's when you feel like part of something bigger than yourself.
So that's my opinion, to you, love is different than that. It has to be, it can't even be close to mine because mine is mine. I created it, I idealised it, and it's stuck in the back of my brain and until I feel that it's met to some degree by somebody somewhere, I may love multiple people in multiple ways.
But since I was young(er), I always had that ideal of love, that special quirky girl who doesn't quite fit in because she's too funny and high-spirited and intelligent to deal with the horse shit of life. The mundane stuff.
Of course, when you talk about love from now on, it'll still be in your own words. These are just a few of mine, I'm limited by the english language and the fact that it doesn't have words that I know for specific emotions. The only thing that hits home is feeling, and I hope this actually meant something, and evoked a response, and didn't just look like my usual bunch of stupid crap (It contained fewer silly jokes and 80's references than most of what I write).
So, I guess the short answer is "When you find somebody you can call your best friend, but you're also intensely attracted to them. Physically and mentally. And they feel the same way." But the long answer is "Take a deep breath."
Well, now that you've read through it all, this is where I apologise for wasting your time.
Duncan.'
Duncan - in response to: "Attractive" posting
"I don't honestly believe that many people think that attractive people are kind, and honest, and all the other good stuff simply because they're attractive. I'm pretty sure there are people who think that way, but your experience seems to be more or less universal.
As the old "joke" goes. Your son/daughter can be: Intelligent, Attractive, Sane. Pick two.
Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but generally people grow into certain moulds simply because of the way society works. A lot of traditionally beautiful people will be very grating. Don't you hate that phrase? "Traditionally beautiful". It implies that there is something wrong with not having blonde hair, huge breasts, and blue eyes as big as dinner-plates. There isn't. This is the kind of ideal a pre-pubescent boy has.
I'd say that we insist on judging people based on their appearance because you don't have to put any effort into looking at somebody. There's no involvement on a personal level. You don't get to know someone, and care for someone by looking at a picture. It's very passive, and, coincidentally, we use our eyes to gather an extremely huge amount of information that we process extremely fast. It's superficial. That's what we are.
Interesting side-note. Have you seen the movie "Gattaca"? It approaches this very thing, from a genetic perspective. It also has Xander Berkley in it, which should be reason enough to track it down.
Bein attractive and being a good person are not mutually exclusive properties. Being attractive does not automatically invalidate you as a person. At no time was a dice rolled that determined you, as a person, may only possess certain qualities.
I follow your definition of the word attractive, too. It makes sense. Being attractive isn't having huge sacks stapled to the front of your chest like some kind of cruel joke. That's the way boys think (more on that later). Sorry to say that even us men can find beauty in things, and not "try our luck". I'm really trying to think of a non-insulting analogy that doesn't portray women as objects. The closest I can get is that I don't try and steal or buy every piece of art that I like. Hardly a wordsmith, eh? Imperfect, I know, but it's a little late.
"Pretty" (doesn't that word sound childish?) isn't a universal concept. Please, don't feel insulted if you happen to fit somebody's perception of what that particular word means.
People who attempt to live off of their looks, by and large, will be vapid husks of human beings. I'd like to try and say that I'm not swayed by appearances, and try and pin that on my chosen career, but I can't. Things that are pleasing to the eye are pleasing to the eye. I'm not ashamed to admit that.
Ok, so now it's just about time for the only part of this that had any thought put into it. You're young. I'm young. The people we associate with are young. Men and women do not judge people solely on their appearance. That's what boys and girls do. There's a huge difference.
Again, physical attraction isn't universal. I have "a thing" for short girls with short hair. As far as I'm aware, there's no particular genetic advantage to this, nor is there some sort of sinister motive. Oh, except for the fact that they're easier to dismember and fit in suitcases. Hoho, there's a little pre-3am serial killer humour for you. Thanks for playing along.
I'm not at my most verbose right now, so I've saved a copy of this message to read later. We can both feel embarassed for me!
Hope this didn't fill you with too much murderous rage, and such.
Duncan."
Conversation with Ed in response to "Love":
Ed: I read your "random rantings" page
Me: Oh?
Ed: I dont go with your argument though
Me: Fair enough
Ed: that there should be no such thing as love but just lust
Ed: seems a bit funny to me!
Me: I think you're misunderstanding me
Me: I'm not saying lust it all we should have. But I think too many people confuse lust with love.
Ed: go on
Me: I think far fewer people have experienced true love than claim to
Ed: well how would anyone know?!
Me: I suppose it's just some deep thing
Ed: (sorry if thats lamentably scientific)!
Me: It is
Me: But I think TRUE love would last forever, whether it's unrequited, requited, improper, or anything else
Ed: probably
Ed: but... I wonder if I can remember this line
Ed: "falling in love is easy, but love is whats left after that"
Ed: or something along those lines
Me: Yes.
Me: Exactly
Ed: surely that means you'd have to think you were in love before you felt true love?
Me: You'd perhaps have the symptoms of love. But that, as you've said, isn't love.
Ed: yeah
(At this point Ed couldn't think of a better argument, so gave up!)
Neil via text message in response to the "racist" post:
"I completely agree with everything in your latest post."
Also - look at Ben Puyenbroek's website - contains some interesting ramblings that seem to have been inspired by mine....
