| Wouldn�t it be wonderful if finding your future spouse was as easy as it is in Disney movies? Little girls dream of one day finding their Prince Charming, falling in love, getting married, and living happily ever after. Unfortunately, life isn�t always like that. It seems we go through a number of broken relationships before we find our Prince Charming, and once we�re in love and married, there�s no guarantee we�ll live happily ever after. In fact, one out of two marriages will fail. These statistics aren�t very promising. Where have we gone wrong and how can it be fixed? I believe the main problem is dating. I also believe that if we�d start to use courtship as our method to find our future spouse there would be a decline in the divorce rate. Courtship has become a current movement though the use of it faded earlier in the 1900�s. Two of the most popular books on courtship are by Joshua Harris, �I Kissed Dating Goodbye,� and �Boy Meets Girl.� Joshua Harris was a man involved in the dating scene, but later gave it up looking for a better alternative. He decided upon a modern approach to courtship; he eventually married in October of 1998, and currently has two children. Joshua Harris, among other authors (Eric and Leslie Ludy, �When God Writes Your Love Story,� Elisabeth Elliot �Passion & Purity�) explores the main concepts of courtship and how it can be incorporated into today�s society. I will call this method �contemporary courtship.� Before we go any further, let�s define the terms �dating� and �contemporary courtship.� Dating is when two people who are interested in each other come together to enjoy each other�s company, but there may not be a real commitment until later. Courting is when two people, seriously interested in the possibility of marriage, come together, under the guidance of their parents (or elders), to see if there is any reason not to get married. The reasons vary as to why people date. Some date for companionship, fun, to find their future spouse, and sometimes out of peer pressure. Often encouraged and expected by society, many people enter the dating scene starting in their preteen to early teen years. Countless times I�ve had relatives, fellow employees, and friends of the family asking me if I have a boyfriend yet. I, of course, always told them no. I�d give them a little speech on my viewpoint if they probed further. I hold to the viewpoint of contemporary courtship that states you should only enter the courting scene when you are of the age (or maturity level) to get married. Contemporary courtship�s main goal is marriage, so it doesn�t make sense to start a relationship too early when marriage isn�t a viable option within the near future. This answer usually satisfied people�s curiosity when they asked why I didn�t have a boyfriend, but since I�ll be turning 20 soon, my answer is no longer a reasonable explanation. Now, I usually state that I�m waiting for the right guy. When it comes to contemporary courtship how do you find the right person? There are two elements, friendship and knowing what you want. As the phrase goes, �It�s hard to find something if you don�t know what you�re looking for.� In general, people have a fair idea of what they want in a future spouse. An interesting method I�ve seen used is a �Future Spouse Profile.� The future spouse profile is an extensive list of what an individual would like to see in a future mate. I�ve made my own list, and it�s been a helpful reminder not to get sidetracked in waiting for my own �prince charming.� People ask, �How do you know extensively what you want if you never date?� I have met numerous guys with admirable qualities. Through meeting these guys and even becoming friends with some of them, I�ve recognized what I�ve been looking for, and this brings me to the second element in finding the right person. In contemporary courtship, before any romantic relationship is formed, the two individuals are friends. Like most friendships a foundation is formed as two individuals get to know each other. The first feelings of attraction are based on knowing that person�s personality, and seeing that they could make a good life partner. The friendship will progress into a courting relationship if the feelings are mutual. Because the two individuals know their relationship has a good possibility of leading to marriage, most relationships end up on the alter of matrimony. In dating it seems the complete opposite. Most dating relationships began within a few hours or weeks of meeting some one, and attraction is based on �chemistry.� However, many relationships end once somebody gets to know the person they are involved with, and by then the couple may have already emotionally invested in the relationship. One of the disadvantages of starting a dating relationship before friendship is that people have a tendency to put their best foot forward to impress the other person, and the other person involved doesn�t realize what they�re getting isn�t the whole package. The other person may not consciously mean to deceive, but it does happen. Not to say all dating relationships are like this, but I�ve noticed a change of character in people and even my friends when they�re out with their significant other. Another important aspect of courtship is community. The two individuals involved pick their parents or a respected couple in their community to guide them through the courting process. The parents (or respected couple) are like accountability partners making sure the relationship is heading in the right direction. They�re there to impart knowledge and to help the couple through any problems that may arise. As it�s been stated �When you marry somebody you marry their family as well.� A good part of courtship involves getting to know each others family members personally. In the dating scene couples often come isolated, left on their own to figure things out, unless they go to somebody for advice. I�ve noticed the isolation when my friends started dating someone. I often times felt ditched, because they were always hanging out with their significant other. A lot of couples are inseparable, so when I did see my friends, they were usually with their significant other, and I basically felt like I didn�t exist. I was waiting to be their friend if things didn�t work out, but I still have friendships that suffer to this day because there were months that went by when I barely got to see my friends because they were to wrapped up in their significant other. Once my friends romantic relationships were over, they�d usually come running to me with broken hearts stating how fortunate I was to have never had a boyfriend and how they wished they could be more like me. Seeing my friends go through numerous breakups has validated my position, and reaffirms the fact that I don�t want any involvement in the dating scene. Holding hands, kissing, making out, and sexual intercourse is a normal part of the dating scene. Physical contact is unlimited. These things are used as a means to show love to your significant other, but can be very misleading. Just because there is intimacy in a relationship doesn�t mean there is commitment. I�ve heard enough stories from former coworkers about how their significant other cheated on them. In contemporary courtship there is little to no physical contact with the person you are courting. Boundaries are set down to guard each others heart. It�s believed there are other ways to show your love for somebody than physical contact. If there is physical contact the best policy is to never do anything with the person you are courting that you wouldn�t do with your friends. There�s varying reasons behind this, here�s mine: The first kiss I give is going to be to my husband up on the altar on my wedding day. The reason I don't want to hold hands or kiss a guy before I'm married, is because I want to share that only with my future husband. I believe there is one person out there for me, and there�s an exact date when I'm going to marry him. So to a point I'm already "engaged." Sure I don't know the guy, but I believe he is out there. So if I'm already "engaged" why would I go around holding hands and kissing other guys? That would be cheating. In conclusion, as I�ve stated, I believe through dating we have adopted a pattern that�s been incorporated into our marriages. People have been taught when things get too hard it�s best to break things off, and when times get too hard in a marriage it�s best to get a divorce. Most dating relationships skip the friendship stage, become isolated and involve intimacy, but there isn�t always a commitment there. Dating in many ways is a game that plays with people�s hearts and emotions, but there�s no guarantee that you�ll win in the end. Courtship, I believe, provides a better alternative to finding your future spouse. It may not make finding your future spouse as easy as it is in the Disney movies, but it can save yourself a lot of heartache, and possibly a future marriage. |
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| Matrimony Sustained: Courtship & Dating |